wafflingtrash-blog

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Running & Falling

I was a sprinter, not a marathon runner. But with you, I was ready to start a marathon. I think I was sprinting in the beginning, you were running, but always behind me. At first I thought you were taking it slow, taking your time so I always had to slow down and wait for you and maybe I even made you try to go just a little faster. Then you started walking, again I tried to give you a little push to go forward. Every time it worked, you continued running again. So one day I decided to leave you running on your own pace while I continued sprinting ahead. I looked back and I see you started walking again, you were so far behind. I was tired of always trying to push you forward when you didn't have any effort to do it yourself, so I just left you behind to see if you would catch up with me. I continued running but I kept looking back to see if you're there, you seemed to be further away every time I looked. One day, I looked behind but I couldn't seem to find you. I stopped, swallowed my ego and turned back to look for you. I ran and ran till I’m back to the starting point, I still couldn't find you. This time, I knew I had to call out your name and I left the tracks only to find you running steadily in your old tracks. You told me we haven't gone that far in our marathon anyway, so it’s fine if you left. I didn’t know what to say, so I just left without saying a word. I walked back to the tracks we ran, but as soon as I started, I fell to my knees. I couldn't bring myself up so I just lay there and curled into a ball of sadness. My heart felt like it was ripped apart from me, I was wondering why I wasn't enough, why wouldn’t you stay? I remember you told me how much you hated running in your old tracks and how glad you are that you left it. You said you haven't even been to your old tracks for months. Were the tracks that we ran so terrible until you decided to go back to your old one? How is it only when you started the marathon with me you suddenly want to go back? I wasn’t sure which ones were lies you told me. All I knew was couldn’t run anymore. Every time I tried, all I did was fall. I fell and you left me fallen.

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these days you’re rolling all the time, so low so you keep on getting high

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it feels like the end of the world

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is this town worth livin in

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“but now she’s always wasted, a total looker but she’s jaded”

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i need someone to tell me this

🖤🖤🖤

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i rmb my first cig

Smoke

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Mirrors, Plates & Scales

To the bone. Ever heard of that movie? Lily Collins, Netflix, Eating Disorder? No? Okay well I was having my midnight movie ritual a couple of nights ago, and picked this movie because I saw the trailer a few months ago and I thought it looked pretty damn good. And I shit you not, it really is. It was also, relatable. So i thought like wait, why can i relate to someone who has an eating disorder? I obviously don't have one right? I mean tracking every single calorie you eat is pretty normal isn't it. Loving the pang of hunger. Getting satisfaction from starvation. Regretting eating something because you feel you're fat and you don't deserve it. Followed by self hatred and starving yourself, again. Constantly looking at yourself in the mirror, looking at the flaws, loathing it. Stepping on the weighing scale like 5 times a day. Isn't that what all the skinny girls are doing. I don't know. I don't think i have an eating disorder. I’d be skinny if i did right? Wrong. After the stage of denial, i go to one place where i get proper education from the internet, YouTube. Typing in eating disorders, anorexia in the search tool and clicking on video to video. Oh. Why is this me? Damn another mental illness adding to the list? I mean its not severe, obviously just, mild. So i don't need to worry about it right. Who cares if all i see is calories and numbers when i see food. Who cares if i only drink water when eating out or forcing the food down my system because i don't want to be rude or weird. Who cares if my face looks like death, pale, shadows under my eyes. I’m losing weight. Isn't that a good thing. Isn't that what I want. Even if no one noticed. Maybe they will if I continue this and get skinny. Maybe I’ll be content with myself. Maybe i’ll fit in. Maybe life wouldn't be as shitty. So isn't all that worth it. 

Just like depression, its not something i just immediately fell into. It transitioned from wanting to be healthy to being obsessive about being skinny. At the beginning of my ‘fitness journey’, (heh I’m nowhere near fit) I started meal prepping. Gotta hit those macro goals. Broteinss yeah bruh. My calorie deficit was healthy. Starvation was something I’d stay away from. Because losing muscle mass, lower metabolism blah blah blah. Yeah, I know its bad. But i was losing weight way too slow. I thought, this isn't enough. Eat less. No, don't eat. More calorie deficit = more weight loss. That equation is what i have in my brain now. Don't really care about macros. I’m still doing strength training but i can feel the difference. It feels like death. Like i wanna throw up when i work out. I got weak. But I don't care. All i care about is seeing the number on the scale drop. Fuck it if it’s muscle mass. The goal is being skinny now, not fit. I like being this way. If i really do have an eating disorder, I'm fine with it. Maybe this is a blessing. A tool that might help me feeling less shit about myself. For the first time, this is something wrong about me that I don't want to fix. I just have to make sure I get out of it before it kills me. Easy.

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Anxiety

It’s like I feel fine, I’ve had a good day then I start to over analyse every single thing. Every conversation I’ve had. Everything I’ve said/done. Do people not like me because of stupid stuff. It’s uncontrollable I feel like everyone hates me.

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Basically 

via DA Twitter

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Fading

Hey it’s me, I’m back. Do I sound a bit depressing? Oh sorry, can’t help it. This feels weird, writing again. I forgot how much i loved this. I guess it’s true, depression makes you stop enjoying doing the things you used to love. Like reading, I can’t even finish a book anymore. But I'm trying, I’m trying to pick up books again, although it’s taking forever but its progress i guess. Because I'm tired. I'm tired of laying in bed wallowed in self pity with my earphones stuffing my ears and drowning myself in depressing music. Tired of crying myself to sleep. Tired of wishing i was dead and hoping the pain would go away. Tired of the fucking monsters in my head whispering how worthless i am, how everyone is better off without me, how no one would care if I died. Anyway, lets not talk about that depressing shit and just throw in some self depreciating humour. Its still unhealthy, and depressing, but it’s like a defensive/coping mechanism I guess. Tell someone how fat and stupid am I before they can even think about it in their head. Yeah, I hate how i fucking care about what people think of me. Anxiety, you’re doing well sweetie. So how did i fall into this pit of despair if you may ask. I'll tell you, it isn't like jumping into an empty dark well. Its more like quicksand. You don't know how or when did you step on it, you don't really know you did. But you could feel it slowly dragging you down. Your feet sinking in, and moving becomes so fucking difficult. So you just stay there, let it consume you. Oh fuck sorry i took another depressing turn again. Gotta add a dash of irony and sarcasm to lighten up the mood a little right haha. (me irl) Whew i need to take a breath because fuck I'm so rusty. Was writing always this hard or is it just the D making it. Lmao innuendo unintended. I don't even know where this post is going so i guess i call myself wafflingtrash for a reason.

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http://iglovequotes.net/

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@danisnotonfire moodboard

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Anecdotes: The Airplane Incident

Two words. Horror movies. If you haven’t known already, I am definitely not a horror movie kind of person. Judge all you want, but there’s no way in hell you can ever make me watch one. Call me a wuss or whatever, I just don’t care. You might think it’s ridiculous, but watching scary movies traumatizes me, big time. When I was about 9 I watched a pretty basic horror movie about a banshee. Oh you don’t know what I went through after. I had hallucinations, I kept picturing it was there. I cant even look at the wall without seeing flashbacks of ít’. Bathrooms at night are the most horrifying. Even showering in daylight, I cant close my eyes when I’d wash my hair. Needless to say, the aftermath of watching the movie gave me a hard time for about 2 months. Only after 2 months I was able to live my life like a normal person. The last time I watched one was when I was 12, with my cousins. I did it out of curiosity, it was voluntary, I knew what I was getting myself into and I definitely knew the consequences. We were watching in my aunt’s bedroom it was about 3.00 pm in the afternoon but of course, for the immersion ,all the curtains were drawn, the lights were switched off. The tv was the only thing that gave illumination to the room. We were all sat on the floor with cushions on or laps, I was definitely using it as a shield ready for jumpscares. I’d rather not elaborate the storyline of the movie but it was pretty shitty. I was holding up my cushion half of the time. Blood, violence, gore everything was there. The movie was obviously rated PG-13, and I was 12! Why didn’t anyone stop us from watching?! Heck we definitely did not have any adult supervision other than my 15 year old cousin if that counts that is. Fast forward till the end of the movie, I was absolutely traumatized. I had to go through the same thing I did when I was 9. Idk if that counts as ptsd but it was totally harrowing. Post trauma and everything, I finally came to a conclusion that horror movies are not for me. Scratched that off my list. I mean I feel like its stupid to watch something that makes your life miserable after.  Why would I want to make things difficult for myself? I’d rather live my life happily and normally. So it had somehow became a life principle for me to never watch horror movies. All the movie hangouts with friends I missed, it was probably because it was horror. In fact I don’t really like going to the cinema tbh. I’ll explain that some other time.

Coming back to the topic, what was the airplane incident? So the other day my family and I went back to our hometown for the weekend. Yes, it involves flying. During our flight back home, I decided I wanted to watch something instead of dozing off or listening to my iPod as usual. I browsed through the flight entertainment on the small screen in front of me. There were a few good movies to watch but, now the problem was, it was a 1 hour and a half flight. Which means you can’t watch an entire movie before you land, unless you’d go for a Disney movie or something but I wasn’t up for it at the time. So you know I watch a crap load of dan and phil videos right? I had some of their videos downloaded in my phone from the offline feature on the YouTube app. It so happens that I have a video of them playing Silent Hill. So basically it was video of them playing a horror video game. Now you’d think I’d never watch it because of my fear of horror movies, but no, horror games I can still tolerate. I even played slender man once with my roommates. Accompanied by a lot of screaming and me actually weed my pants. Yes, that actually happened to an 18 year old scaredy cat haha. But I had no ptsd or whatsoever after that so I thought I could handle scary video games just not movies, yet. I had also watched dan and phil play five nights at freddy’s before so I thought silent hill was like the same thing. I was wrong. The game definitely is much scarier, it was no child’s play. There were a few jumpscares but I managed to hold it in. Not for long that is. There was one part where I was so immersed that I was caught off guard. Out of nowhere a freaking bloody long haired ghost appeared on the screen, and I screamed. I screamed in the middle of the airplane with hundreds of people in it who could definitely hear me. I finally pulled myself out of the immersion and back to reality. All heads turned to me and they were like ‘’wtf is wrong with this kid?!’’. They were judging me hard, giving me cold stares and shaking their heads. At that moment, I felt like engulfing myself into a black hole and disappear into thin air. I could hear the sound of my dignity flying out of the window. It was the most embarrassing awkward moment in my entire life, I think. So yes, that is essentially my life and I hope you will feel better about yours knowing the disaster, that is my life. Another lesson that I learned this time is, do NOT watch a horror movie/video/game/clips on the airplane unless you’re not a wuss like me or you don’t mind experiencing what I did. The irrelevant conclusion for today is, at the end of the day, although I know I may have lost all my dignity that night but it is another anecdote that I can look back in my life to laugh at or tell other people about it for their entertainment haha. What is my life.

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