vulnerable-yovth

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

bad mom

The words and parenting styles you have used on me are now my inner voice. It’s how I was taught to think and feel. For the past 5 years I’ve struggled with how I feel about myself and can only trace it back to how I was taught to think and feel about myself. I was never told to love myself, I was never taught to be nice to myself. I was taught to beat myself up over my depression, over me school work, over my weight. Last year was probably the worst. Though you might not have directly said I was fat or over weight. It was all about how I looked. Never about my internal health that you feared. I hold a lot of hatred in my heart over that. I hold a lot of hatred in my heart for things you have said to me. I have hatred in my heart because I feel completely unloved by you in every way. I have hatred in my heart because you think you can buy my love. I have hatred in my heart because sometimes in the moment it feels like you love me, but when we get home from the store or when I wake up the next morning I see that I am no happier with my new things. I have hatred in my heart because I know how hard dad works for this entire family and such little appreciation is shown to him. Though you say that it’s none of my business, it actually kind of is when neither of you address or even try to fix it. It’s like you don’t want to be happy and think that you can fake it with us, but it just doesn’t work that way. I have hatred in my heart you never taught me what a marriage should look like. I have hatred in my heart that you showed me that verbal abuse is normal. I have hatred in my heart at myself that I’ve tried to fix it when I now know I have no control over you or dad. I have hatred in my heart when I would go to a friends house and feel the love in the home. No tension. No judgement. Just pure love. I have hatred in my heart that mental health isn’t a priority. And neither is clean eating and a clean house. I hate walking into the bathroom and seeing pee all over and around the toilet. I hate seeing poor hygiene. I hate all the half assing you do. The half ass cooking, cleaning. I’m angry that I try and help you with what to get at the grocery store and I come home and it’s like your back to your old ways. I resent coming home because of that. You say the junk food is for Andrew and Sarah, but really that’s just the saddest excuse I have ever heard. I really think you resent me because I have a brain that’s starting to surpass yours. I think you resent me because I’m going somewhere and doing something with my life. I think you resent me because I refuse to marry anyone that doesn’t love and support me 100%. I refuse to have a mediocre and sad life. And I think you resent me for it. But that isn’t my problem. That is all on you.

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

no offense but I’ve never gotten over anything that’s happened to me in my life

[vulnerable-yovth]

things i’m good at:

not answering texts/chats

getting my hopes up 

daydreaming

being awkward

pissing people off

sleeping

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

[vulnerable-yovth]

“r u taken?” yes bitch taken for granted

me

[vulnerable-yovth]

I wrote my suicide letters

[vulnerable-yovth]

“I just wanna die”

[vulnerable-yovth]

I’m not where I used to be but I still would rather die

[vulnerable-yovth]

sometimes this world sucks so I go to my own

[vulnerable-yovth]

I’m so whipped for her

[vulnerable-yovth]

always follow what raises your vibration. anything that sets your soul on fire, makes you excited and gives you those goosebumps is in alignment with your higher self. that is your destiny, everything else will fall into place after