vousdouschild

[vousdouschild]

Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now

I just started watching ‘Dark’ on Netflix and decided to google it:

The supernatural elements in the year 1986 made me think of the song I was listening to two days ago.

I got that familiar feeling that I was listening to this song for a reason, like it was some kind of foreshadowing:

Portugal. The Man. “Feel It Still”

Lyrics

Can't keep my hands to myself

Think I'll dust 'em off, put 'em back up on the shelf

In case my little baby girl is in need

Am I coming out of left field?

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

I been feeling it since 1966, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

Let me kick it like it's 1986, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

Got another mouth to feed

Leave her with a baby sitter, mama, call the grave digger

Gone with the fallen leaves

Am I coming out of left field?

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

I been feeling it since 1966, now

Might've had your fill, but you feel it still

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

Let me kick it like it's 1986, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

We could fight a war for peace

(Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now)

Give in to that easy living

Goodbye to my hopes and dreams

Stop flipping for my enemies

We could wait until the walls come down

(Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now)

It's time to give a little to the

Kids in the middle, but oh 'til it falls

Won't bother me

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming?

Is it coming back?

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, yeah

Your love is an abyss for my heart to eclipse, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

I've been feeling it since 1966, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, now

Let me kick it like it's 1986, now

Might be over now, but I feel it still

Might've had your fill, but you feel it still

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Asa Taccone / Brian Holland / Eric Andrew Howk / Freddie Gorman / Georgia Dobbins / Jason Wade Sechrist / John Baldwin Gourley / John Graham Hill / Robert Bateman / William E. Garrett / Zachary Scott Carothers / Kyle O'Quin

Feel It Still lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

What happened in the world in 1986?

I googled what happened in 1986. Here is some of what happened in 1986 across the globe:

Interestingly, the Human Genome Project started then. Funny coincidence since I’ve been thinking and talking about that project lately and have admitted to feeling paranoid about having my DNA analyzed. The reason I’ve felt paranoid is because I feel like there is some kind of trait in my DNA which is being tracked by some agency, and I don’t want any people coming after me to test me (again) ( I feel like I have been experimented upon and/or something in me has been altered).

What happened to ME in 1986?

I was 11 in 1986. I feel like something horrible was done to me, something outside of what my parents did. Wasn’t I watching Jem on television then?

Yes, I was:

I know that I was severely traumatized in 1986, when I was 11.

I was dissociating daily, shaking that towel and very interested in Jem and the Holograms. I wanted to be a hologram like Jem. She was the inspiration and base model for the other world I created for myself.

I couldn’t bear to see and hear and smell and taste what was going on around me. This was a period of time in which my father dragged us all across the United States, from Youngstown, Ohio, to Atlanta, Georgia, and down to various places in Florida, moving from one roach motel to another. All six of us lived in a single room with two beds (if we were lucky) and smelly carpet. I used to lie down on the floor between a bed and a wall to try to get the most privacy as I could, and I used to used my Jem doll as a sort of totem which I would shake to take myself to the world I had created inside my mind. I would focus on her hair dangling past her shoulders and it was like I was teleported out of the hell my bruised, three-dimensional body was in. Unfortunately, I no longer had Jem in 1986.

My father had thrown away all of our things, saying they were “from the past” and therefore “evil.” My Jem doll was included in that group. She was especially bad because she had breasts and dad said that breasts were evil. I needed a way to transport myself to my alternate reality, so I would take a towel and wrap it around my left fist, hold it over my right forearm, and shake it. The towel became hair falling upon shoulders which had seconds earlier been my forearm. When I shook that towel while holding my left foot in my right hand, I was a hologram in a world in which I lived in a beautiful home and the majority of my experiences were shifting gears in a very fast car (the gear shift was on the dashboard) and hearing the acoustic delights of opening the heavy wooden door of my home and the click of my heels upon the various surfaces. I wrote songs and sang and helped underprivileged girls with my sisters.

The number 11 seems important.

I know that that 11 means “illumination” in Tibetan numerology (according to Kryon); however, I recall the number 11 being associated with me in a very detailed numerology reading I’d had done whilst living in Shepperton.

I located my Deluxe Numerology Report in Google Drive.

It seems that my Soul Urge is 11:

Seeing this number makes me think of that book I am just beginning to read, ‘The 49th Mystic’. The protagonist is called number 49 by an interdimensional being in the book. The protagonist has the ability to exist in one dimension while sleeping and the third dimension while awake. The being she communicates with in her sleep begins to interact with her in her waking life. I used to solve everyday problems in my dreams and often had dreams that came true when I was a little girl and teenager (less frequently after the age of 15).

What does it mean to have a number 11 Soul Urge?

According to my Deluxe Numerology Report, 11 is a “master number”:

These are the two pages from my numerology report which describe my 11 Master Number soul urge:

These pages state that the soul is a combination of the physical and the spirit, or what the Greeks called Nous. My Soul Urge is a master number, and that label of “master number” seems to imply that I naturally possess some kind of mastery. Perhaps this makes me similar to the protagonist in that novel I just mentioned.

An interesting coincidence is the mentioning of trauma and dissociation. I had just written about my daily dissociation and Jem, and now I see that my numerology report also mentions trauma and dissociation. The numerology report claims that trauma and dissociation can cause the soul to stop participating in everyday life. Is this why I do not feel like a real person and an empty shell most of the time?

Looking at ‘trauma’ and ‘11’ also makes me think of the character “11” on ‘Stranger Things’. She was a victim of the Montauk Project because she was psychically gifted, and if I recall the series correctly, she was traumatized to activate her gifts. The Montauk Project was real. I have always felt that something similar happened to me. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe it happened when I was 11. Maybe I was called “11.” Who knows? Stranger things have happened.

[vousdouschild]

Who am I?

This blog is about who I think I am.

     MEMORY: “Just who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba? The Queen of England?”

     I remember being asked that quite often by my parents and later my grandparents and generally accompanied what they referred to as a “whipping.”

To be honest, I really have no idea who I am. I know that, according to my birth certificate, I was born at 10:50 PM on Monday, October 20, 1975, at Perry County General Hospital in Richton, Mississippi. That would make me 44 years old at this current time. I don’t feel 44 years old. I feel much older than that.

The memories I have of my life don’t feel like me. They feel like stories I have heard (or told myself) many times over and have therefore memorized. I cannot really feel myself in them. Rather, they are memorized facts that I should know and believe are me.

My life turned upside down in 2017 and everything changed for me. I was married then and doing a PhD in research in applied linguistics. I had a lovely house in a quaint little English village. I had a beloved cat named Ignatius. I had a beautiful garden in which I spent most of my free time. I felt like I knew who I was and I sometimes felt like a real person. All of that is now gone, and I feel like some kind of imposter, an interloper.

This primary aim of this blog is to analyze myself, my memories, and things which occur in my life.

It is an effort to figure out who the heck I am.

     ASSOCIATION: “Who are you?” [the Caterpillar in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll, 1865) and Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney Productions, 1951)]

My consciousness tends to be peppered with often overwhelming memories and associations, so I shall endeavor to mention the ones which seem salient or particularly persistent. I feel that this will be helpful in creating coherence and cohesion for myself, as both the researcher and subject, and to any reader who may exist.

My sister reminded me only two days ago that I seem to be lacking in empathy for others. She would perhaps roll her eyes at the primary aim of this blog and utter something like, “Of course it’s all about her and she is sharing this publicly to get sympathy!” While it could certainly be interpreted this way, it is incorrect. As the flight attendants tell me each time I fly, I must put on my own oxygen mask first before attempting to assist anyone else.