volleyballdoll

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various updates and facts about my family

my mother huffed raid bug spray and ate wallpaper paste as a child. my grandfather believes my autistic sibling is an alien and is asking him to provide the winning lottery numbers. my sister tried to kill her boyfriend recently.

My dad is getting married to his seventh wife.

And my little brother Jayden is smelting pawn shop jewelry in efforts to make silver bullets to load in .22 casings

My grandfather swears he was abducted by aliens and they modified his cum.

In 2009, he attempted to trade firearms for an alleged crystal skull which he believed contained the blueprints to rebuild Atlantis.

In 2012, my family created a convey of six cars all loaded with guns, ammo, canned food, etc. in order to prepare for the apocalypse. In December of 2012, my grandfather led us to where he believed our family would hold off the forces of evil, a last bastion for our bloodline- A fucking Super8 motel in Forsyth GA.

My mother used to drink blood in the 90s and beat the shit out of football players as a hobby, so she could beef up for roller derby. She raises baby animals, and has more than once attempted to kill a man during intimacy.

All if my dad's ex wives have tried to kill him. He's had attack dogs sicced on him, beaten with a crowbar, chased with a hammer, run over with his own car, and pushed out a vehicle. His new wife was a pen pal he met when she was in jail.

My aunt believes she convenes with the angels when she's hopped up on ambien and percocet, so she's like the goth version of Mama Murphy from Fallout 4.

I was conceived in a crack den in North Carolina. My mother's organs don't like having kids, so much so that both me and my sibling Jayden were born dead and had to be resuscitated. In both cases it was due to the umbilical cord playing a game of Hangman.

My little brother Jayden taught Igor, our Vulture, to vomit on command. Nobody knows how.

He has been using the infestation of rats at my family's cabin to do... something. He's been running a rat cannibalism fight club, in an attempt to fish out a Super Rat which he plans to do... Something with?

My little brother Michael spends his spare time firing at passing cars. We have managed to make sure he's using BB guns, is the compromise. Jayden went through a similar phase when he was an early teen, and would shoot a bow and arrow at the neighbor's house. I did the same with a potato cannon in my youth. It's a tradition.

My dad is missing his appendix. He has no idea where it went and has no record of it ever being removed.

My grandmother reluctantly admitted to having an affair with a ghost in her 40s.

My brother Michael used to love botany. By the age of 6 he could tell you anything you wanted to know about the flora of southeast GA. He had a garden. And he also grew weed for my step-dad until my mom found out. After that he was banned from gardening and picked up junior robotics as a hobby after i gave him K'nex and some Lego Mindstorms stuff years ago. He took apart an air conditioner in a motel once. To this day we don't know what he did with the screws. He builds airsoft guns from scrap and is a mechanical prodigy. He is almost illiterate.

My brother Ashton disturbs me. He was raised by the internet and YouTube. He is whatever this new generation is personified. He's frighteningly... Normal.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to reveal some darkness to him never before seen in my family.

He's just. A normal kid. A little zoomer that watches Mr. Beast and YouTube long plays. He's also the straight man to most of all my family's bullshit. He's dangerously genre savvy. He also has a weird interest in law???

My sister Heavenly is your average country girl. She's attempted to kill more than one of her boyfriends, has totaled three cars and always walks away from these nightmarish accidents unscathed. She was found on the side of the road last year hitting her vape and flagging down a car, while her own was stuck five feet above a ditch in a tree.

She has a job and plans to go to New York to "see what them city twinks got goin' on"

My little sister cookie is the only other queer member of my sibling roster. She's a lesbian, and enjoys shooting things. Sometimes living things. She, like Ashton, is dangerously genre savvy and doesn't play into my family's religious fanaticism. She wants to be a firefighter because she is also a pyromaniac and wants an excuse to see "big things burn".

A bit more about Jayden- He claims to speak to the dead, and has used this to become my grandfather's right hand man, and the beneficiary of his estate. He is an autodidact, self taught with blacksmithing and metalworking. He dresses well, and also has a hidden laboratory in my grandfather's shed where he has taken a fixation in herbal tinctures and remedies. He knows they're bullshit. But my family buys his potions, and he uses the money to buy pawn shop jewelry and scrap metal to build stuff. He believes firmly in werewolves, and is convinced Furries are a psyop to prepare the general public for their emergence in society. Which is why he's making silver bullets.

I wish to stipulate that not a single word of this is a joke. This is on god, IRL bullshit I have to contend with.

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YES its a knife in my pocket, AND im happy to see you. both can be true.

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I arrive at the yarn store and grab a skein off the shelf, the exact same brand, type, weight and color of the one I bought a week ago. Everyone in the store immediately knows that I miscalculated the amount of yarn I'd need for a project. They start booing at me. They are throwing crocheted tomatoes at me. The old lady giving knitting lessons in the corner is shaking her head. She had such high hopes for me. The cashier spits at me when I pay for it.

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Cannot Stress Enough how important it is to read Howl’s Moving Castle written by Diana Wynn Jones immediately after watching Howl’s Moving Castle directed by Hayao Miyazaki. When he made the movie he was of course upset with war and thus included it in the film, but you gotta understand. You really Gotta Understand. Every time in the movie where Howl turns the door dial black to travel to an absolutely hellish warscape? You know where that same dial takes him in the book? The Real World Country Of Wales

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"Yeah but were you like born a boy or a girl?"

I was born against my wishes and have spent the past 30 years figuring out how to make everyone else regret it more than I do. Next question.

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When someone tells you its okay for them to have an outdoor cat because theyre european

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"you're mine" yes yes i am now repeat it please

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a mask for the warden of the substation

(paper mache pulp, air-dry clay, acrylics)

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A rabbit-shooting gun from Kris Kool by Caza

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garrus's romance is sooooo funny like. u approach him like "hey let's blow off some steam together" and he's like "yes let's blow off some steam. because that's all this is. anyways im going to agonize over how to get this right because i want this to be really special. what kind of champagne do u like." and then u act like a married couple for the next game and a half

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A setback or a relapse doesn't mean you have thrown away all your progress. Sometimes, going forward with recovery has its bumps on the road, but you can still overcome them, move past them and keep healing. Healing is not a linear process and it can take time, please be patient with it. A relapse doesn't mean you will never heal. Keep going on your recovery journey. It is worth it. You are worth it.

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😂😂😂 that’s me Tag your Tiger Friends https://www.instagram.com/p/Cbr8MsttQbp/?utm_medium=tumblr

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dreamt that jack black was a vampire and me and a few others were gonna have a vampire orgy but none of the others wanted to fuck vampire jack black and he gave me the saddest most defeated look and it was honestly heartbreaking

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tumblr trying to shorten posts is so funny it’s like the well-meaning gentleman in a period drama trying to offer a lady his hand to step over an obstacle and she just plows through it. like good sir I’ve never once filtered the “long post” tag in my life, I’ve handled every “don’t you love the color of the sky” ripoff you can imagine. I’m battle hardened. step aside.

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