I wish I was better at communicating. Learning is taking so long and i hate making mistakes
I cant continously hold up this flimsy world of lighthearted joy without a tremble in my arms or the needed shakes of the ground rife with seriousness and uncomforting words. Sometimes they get so strong I have to set it down, for my own good, but it never really feels worth it.
I was always a crybaby. From sad commercials to being told something in a tone other than what I expected. I used to be able to handle seriousness until it was the first indication of trouble. Of pain. Of panic. At least it can be fought on good days, when I embody my mothers will, her stubbornness.
On those days a fights bound to happen, a fight that could cost me 20 years without someone i consider family. How my tios could do that at all is a mystery to me. Actually, the mystery is how they did it without tearing that memory of each other from their heart. I know i got it from my mothers side the skill of cutting others off with ease. Sometimes im tempted. Angered by something childish or irrelevant in a long term. I can feel my head ache as though it was convincing me to leave them all behind. But i didnt and i wont and i dont want to ever do that. Not anymore. Haven't since i became an adult still wearing their childhood shoes. I hope to grow into them someday
you ever know someone and you think “god i love you. i wish we could’ve known eachother when we were carefree and 11. i wish we could’ve played together as kids”