vndon3

[vndon3]

📕 han junxin 韩俊欣.

📍 beijing, republic of china.

💉 trigger warning: mature themes ahead. 

Thursday, February 25th; 10.00A.M.

I am Han Junxin, and that he was, at least to most. But not to himself, no. There were a series of events that had led to that very specific moment, and most of them, he’d rather not reminisce upon. Was this salvation? There was no way of knowing. It was the beginning of something new, something he longed for. That was enough.

I am back, he thought. A thought that lingered as he walked down the unfamiliar streets. But was he? How could he be back if he had never been there, to begin with? Going “home” was quite peculiar in that sense. There was nothing to remember fondly, no places he used to visit, no memories created or whatsoever. So, this is it, he looked around the busy street, and then, a squeeze to his hand.

Sehun showed him a reassuring smile. One he so desperately needed. His thoughts ceased as he gazed at the male’s face with a smile of his own, a way of letting him know that he was okay. Slightly overwhelmed, perhaps. But okay. Thankful, he was. With a gentle nod of the head, he took a step forward. It was time.

His zealous best friend followed suit. If there was one thing to note, it was how the younger male would never leave his side, no matter the situation. And there they were, fully prepared for the change that was about to take place. Was one ever ready, though? Jun couldn’t make sense of the thoughts that filled his busy mind.

Once inside the building that would give him the tools to free himself, Junxin reached for his wallet, retrieving his I.D. His eyes landed upon the name on the card, an internal battle, something that didn’t belong to him. It never would. A deep breath was all it took, and a few signatures later, he was himself, unapologetically.

Although seemingly insignificant, this moment held a lot of weight for the young doctor. He had questioned himself, pondered, for hours. Considering his troubled past, it was the kind of decision that took courage, one that would require strength. Thankfully, he was feeling particularly bold.

The blowing wind tasted like freedom. A strange feeling. Reborn, he was.

Thursday, February 25th; 03.15P.M.

Visiting a graveyard wasn’t something particularly pleasant, not in any circumstance. Yet, there he was, gazing at the grass with a closed fist, holding onto the thought of him. A face he would never cease to remember. How unfortunate it was to be standing there. How unfair, how cruel it was that he had ended up right there, buried six feet deep in the soil.

He was left with guilt, the type of feeling that consumed him, little by little.

He couldn’t remember much from the evening when it all happened. He remembered the taste of blood in his mouth, flashing lights, and a sight that would haunt him for as long as he lived, that of his lifeless brother. There was a possibility that the body had been moved, perhaps he was long gone. How could he voice his apology? His heart overflew with regret, the kind of feeling he still did not know how to handle. Unlike before, he wasn’t alone. The man standing a few steps behind was a solace he never knew he needed, up until the moment they met.

Not wanting to take the risk of being seen by the wrong people, and for the sake of Sehun’s safety, he decided it was time to leave. Back to the hotel, they went. The ride was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Recomforting, in a way. Another step in the right direction, he believed.

Thursday, February 25th; 11.30P.M.

“I’ll be right back”, were the last words that he said to his best friend as he walked out of their shared hotel room, making his way downstairs with the promise of buying them a few snacks from his childhood. Once he stepped outside, he took notice of the small convenience store across the street. A smile spread on his lips. That would be his destination.

A car stopped right before him as he was about to step forward in the direction of the store, something which caused him to instantly step back. Two tall, strong-looking men wearing black suits rushed in his direction, quick to take hold of his arms to force him into the luxurious vehicle. Jun knew better than to try anything stupid, especially since he could feel a metal object strategically pressed to his lower back.

He knew who these men were, he knew exactly who they worked for. Gutless and dead inside, emotionally indifferent, sidekicks to evil.

He felt frightened, helpless. The gun that had been pointed at his head was a reminder of how ephemeral all things were.  

Suddenly, pitch black.

Saturday, February 27th. (unknown hour)

A day had passed since the ambush. Jun had been discarded in an abandoned warehouse of some sort; he couldn’t quite tell. The grief that he felt was enough to sink the mighty, but his heart was holding onto anything that kept him sane.

The rings on his father’s fingers had left imprints on his body. He was the kind of man who wasn’t afraid to get blood on his jewel-encrusted rings. With each hit, Jun’s head jerked back, and he tasted that familiar copper tang in his mouth. He hadn’t aged, not one bit. In the distance, stood his mother, emotionless, cold. Although the doctor’s blood was rushing in heat, he couldn’t find the strength within himself to stand up to the man.

“How dare you show your face here, after destroying our family.” The kind of words that caused more pain than the relentless jabs he received.

Jun felt his father’s fist in his gut, the once hard bones along his body now crumpled like cereal. In the middle of the one-sided fight, Jun could feel his anger fading, replaced with blankness, all at once. He took the beating; perhaps he deserved it. He gagged on his blood as he finally fell on the floor, and then, silence took over. His chest rose a few more times before he gave up. 

“Next time you decide to set foot anywhere near us, I’ll fucking kill you...”

There was a halt.

“…Just like you killed your brother.”

Monday, March 1st. (unknown hour)

“…Just like you killed your brother.”

The words lingered in his mind up until the moment he was found. Tired, too weak to even move. The spreading purple with yellow blotches was only the surface wound. The real one was within. That feeling of guilt, the realization that he would never lead a peaceful life, for as long as those people lived. Was he ever loved by his parents? For what we love, we protect, right? There was no love there. None.

Sehun’s face felt like home. And he smiled. His muscles had seized up, body struggling to recover, to repair the damage that had been done. His movements were ungraceful, still, he reached for the other’s cheek. 

“Do you reckon I won the fight?” He asked.

Tuesday, March 2nd; 05.00P.M.

Perhaps the trip hadn't been as liberating as he thought it would be. The bruises all over his body were proof of that. Was it worth it? Was he the one to blame, or was it all an unfortunate circumstance? If there was one thing he knew, it was not to step foot in that city anytime soon.

He smiled at the thought of his friends telling him to stay out of trouble, it seemed like trouble followed him, even when he wanted nothing to do with it. He gazed outside his window; the sky was bluer in Seoul.

I’m home, he thought.

I am Han Junkai. 

[vndon3]

📕 han junxin 韩俊欣.

📍 seoul, south korea.

💉 trigger warning: mention of blood/death.

It was October 21st on a Wednesday, and the days had been getting colder.

Jun had gone through his morning routine, waking up, eating some breakfast—which usually consisted of whatever he could find in the kitchen—brushing his teeth, and finally, getting dressed for work. This day wasn’t like any other, something which he would only realize days later.

For starters, he knew his plans differed. Instead of getting in his car and driving to work, he had stayed home. His feet felt heavy as he made his way down the stairs that lead to the basement. The clinic. Since he knew what he was in for, Jun started to gather the medical equipment needed for the surgery he would perform that afternoon. Five P.M. sharp, Valentino had said.

It didn’t take long for him to find himself alone in between the metal walls that seemed to swallow him, little by little. Perhaps it was the anticipation speaking. Perhaps there is no reason to feel this way, he thought. What the hell, he knew what he was doing.

5P.M.

They had arrived on time, as expected. Valentino was a man of his word.

The procedure took at least a few hours, but the surgeon’s focus was elsewhere. This man. Presumably a big name in the medical field. Jun wondered about the motives which had caused him to request his illicit work. But discretion was part of the deal. Whatever thoughts that crossed his mind had dissipated, making room for the real question: Would everything turn out okay?

This thought had been there since the moment Valentino had reached out to schedule this appointment, but as he dug into the man’s ribs, he felt at ease.

Although he wasn’t the only person in the room, that is, for safety reasons, he didn’t feel observed. Perhaps it was because he was used to being put in such a situation. Perhaps it was just because he was completely fixated on what he was doing. This man was paying him good money, after all. Jun, oh Jun. You greedy man.

His illicit work was something that had been following him throughout the years. His clients were usually corrupt in a way or another. Some would argue that the prices imposed were high, but Jun knew his worth. Who else would be able to do such delicate work outside of the hospital grounds?

He was an intelligent young man. Exceptional for his age. The world knew about this, and Jun took advantage of that. The truth was that he enjoyed a certain lifestyle, and people like this man, well, they helped him reach higher heights.

His latex gloves were coated in blood, the coppery smell filling his nostrils and causing him to breathe deep. And at that moment, everything felt just right. It wasn’t difficult to hold back at this point as Jun had full control over himself, well, mostly.

The once broken ribs had been repaired. The doctor finished his meticulous work by stitching the man back together, his glasses standing on the tip of his nose as he punctured through the skin, again and again. Almost like therapy, this kind of work provided him the inner peace that he needed, but at the same time, a feeling of power, control took over him.

That was it. The deal was done. As he removed his mask, some blood was smeared his cheek, without him even realizing it. His gloves went next. As he stood before the small mirror in the basement, he noticed the tint of blood he had previously imprinted on himself, one that he washed away, just like any worries he could have had regarding this procedure. 

At that moment, all was well.

24th of October, Saturday; Trouble Begins

Just another Saturday, or so he thought. Jun slept in and woke up beside three cats that seemed to cling to him, perhaps because they were waiting to be fed. The day seemed normal; he did all the things that he would on a weekend.

Later that day, he was supposed to meet with a friend for a meal together. And he did. It was strange how things could change from a moment to the other, and one wouldn’t even realize it was coming. One thing about Jun was that whenever he was to spend time with his friends, he would rarely touch his phone. Why would he need it?

The sky had turned dark as he finally sat on the driver’s seat of his car, reaching for his phone and unlocking it. And oh, no. Who would ever believe such a perfect surprise? Plenty of missed calls from Valentino, but as it seemed, the model had left him a couple of messages as well.

Something is wrong, Jun knew this even before opening the texts, but once he did, his heart sunk.

Perhaps his initial gut feeling that he couldn’t explain had been right all along. Jun felt angry. His lips parted only to allow a loud scream to leave them, punching the steering-wheel a couple of times. Frustration. Since when was this how he dealt with troublesome situations? Fuck.

He had to call Valentino right away. They had to find a solution. They simply had to.

28th of October, Thursday; Decisions

Now that Jun had a man threatening to expose his illicit work, he had to take the needed measurements, and one thing was for sure, he wouldn’t be the one to lose. He felt so angry that he couldn’t even think straight, all he knew was that they had to do something, and quick.

All the things that the man had said to him were running through his head. How had he not realized that this man—a surgeon—had reached him out, only in the hopes of exposing him, because he couldn’t stand the thought that someone as young as doctor Han was suddenly a big name in the medical field. How had he allowed himself into a situation like this?

On a very concise phone conversation with Valentino, a deal was struck between the two.

And at that moment, it was clear as day that death was the only way out.

31st of October, Saturday (Halloween Night); Dead Man

What goes around comes back around. Isn’t that what they say?

Jun would never risk losing the life he had built for himself in Seoul. He wouldn’t go behind bars because of a man whose purpose was to watch him sink. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, no. He had worked too hard for something like that to happen, and he would do whatever it took for things to fall back into place.

How ironic was that? Causing the death of a man, on Halloween night. Well, for all he knew, the man had brought death upon himself.

Once they had successfully lured him into his clinic with the false pretext of negotiation, Jun stood before the man, staring him dead in the eyes. That was when Valentino, a man of great strength, stood behind him and slit his throat. In a situation like that, anyone would look away, but the doctor didn’t. He just kept his eyes on his face as the blood gushed out, emotionless, disassociated.

The man seemed to struggle for a couple of seconds, and when Valentino finally dropped him, he was lifeless, bleeding out on the floor. Jun’s face was now covered in blood, and his clothes soaked in it as well. The doctor wasn’t himself. Or was he? That was the version of Jun he would never want anyone to see. The darkest side there could be to him.

Later that same evening; Here I am

He found himself knocking on Sehun’s door, the blood on his clothes was still fresh, and that was something which the younger male noticed as soon as he opened the door. Here I am, he said as he walked past his best friend without even acknowledging his presence.

Junkai wasn’t there. That was something which he realized as he made his way down the hallway of his friend’s home, drenched in blood. Halloween seemed to be the perfect disguise. No one looked at him weirdly, well, except for a couple of friends who had noticed the look on his face, and that just knew that something was off with him.

Sehun tried to ask him what was going on, but the truth was that Jun hadn’t even heard him, and the first chance he got, he locked himself in the bathroom.

After a few punches, the mirror had been shattered into a million pieces. His hand was shaking, and now, blood drops of his own fell on the bathroom’s floor, one after the other, creating a small puddle where he stood. Did he regret what he had done? No, he knew it had to be done. Still, he hated himself for it.

It didn’t take long for him to disappear after a drink and a smoke. The fact was that he didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be alone, somewhere he could be at peace. What place was better than home?

And what a sight he was to see, that moment.

Jun closed his eyes and tried to relax.

What a perfect ending to an eventful evening, he thought, sinking himself into a blood-filled tub.

How did he get there?

He was a God. He had fallen from the Heavens.

[vndon3]

📕 han junxin 韩俊欣

📍 seoul, south korea

💉 trigger warning: mention of blood.

Tuesday, 23rd of June, 2020

How was it that something that had happened 13 years prior was still lingering in his head, day after day, haunting him as if it had just happened. It was quite an abnormal feeling. He was imprisoned inside his head, forced to relive a moment that had caused him, as well as his family, great harm.

Perhaps his mother was right when she said that the hardest part of it all would be living with himself after what had occurred. It was indeed difficult, but it went beyond that, it was torture.

Would anything have changed if he had sought professional help, thirteen years ago?

Would it have made any difference?

Back then, that idea hadn’t even crossed his mind. He knew what he had to do instead, he had to work hard, get his degree, and work hard. That was the only he would be able to pay for the pain and death he had caused. Still, no matter how many lives he saved, he would never be able to bring him back. It just wouldn’t suffice.

10:32 PM

It was not easy going through that day at work, in fact, he has thought about staying home. But thinking would do him no good. That was the reason why he decided to go, he did it in the hopes that somehow working would distract him from the thoughts inside his mind. From all of the pain he was feeling. It wasn’t fair, it couldn’t be. He felt as if he was being punished, perhaps the world was restoring its original balance.

Perhaps he was meant for what his parents had always made him believe he was: being locked away, secluded from the rest of the world, from the pleasures it had to offer. None of that was meant for him. He wasn’t made to love and be loved, he simply existed in order to pay for his past mistakes.

That what all he knew.

The last patient had entered his office and although it was late and he was tired, Jun still greeted her with a gentle smile, soon going through the procedures, listening to her complaints with his palms rested over the surface of the desk.

There was clear distress on his features, but he knew she wouldn’t ask. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a couple of days, especially when the light of his computer hit directly over his face, lighting it up. After seeing the said patient, he leaned against his chair and slowly removed his glasses, placing them on the desk as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was time to go.

11:00 PM

He could have sworn he had never left the hospital in such a rush, but at that moment, getting out of there seemed like the most important thing in the world. With his jacket in one hand and briefcase in the other, he walked out of those walls and rushed towards his car, opening it and discarding his stuff onto the back seat.

At that time, it almost felt like he had no control over his own body.

He drove off.

That was when things started to go wrong.

01:16 AM

Time had passed and he hadn’t gone home. Instead, he kept driving, speeding through the streets of Seoul late at night, hands grabbing tightly onto the steering wheel and eyes set on the road ahead. Anger. He felt it all over his body. He felt the need to scream, to let it all out. He slapped onto the wheel multiple times, teeth clenched and vision blurry from the tears that had formed in his eyes.

How had he gotten to that point?

The rage he felt was stronger than him. It consumed him.

He drove and drove. Then suddenly, as he crossed an intersection, everything became light.

The moment he saw the car that drove directly into him, was the moment the airbags knocked him back and sideways. He didn’t have time to react, he couldn’t scream. But he felt it. He felt so much.

His head smashed up against the windshield, while his arms and legs flailed, searching for something to hold on to. He had decided that he would rather be unconscious, simply because whenever he would wake up, he was able to taste the coppery blood pooling in his mouth.

His cracked bones ached, it felt as if rocks were burrowing into his skin. And his lungs… His lungs started to cave in on themselves, making it hard to breathe.

A buzzing noise filled his ears and it seemed as if it was there for hours. But his agony, that was the only thing keeping him alive.

It was the only thing he could feel anymore.

His vision kept flashing from bitter darkness to blinding white light.

01:27 AM

Next thing he knew, he was in a moving ambulance, fading in and out of consciousness. There was so much happening at the same time, that he started to slowly let go. Feeling himself zone out once again.

Would he make it?

Was this it?

11:07 AM

He woke up hours later. His body was aching and he could barely move. He looked around the room, noticing a bouquet that had been left there. He tried to raise his head, but the cervical collar restrained him.

This was the price he had to pay.

He had brought it on himself.

It was hell.

[vndon3]