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It was me, an American staff member, 15 high school students, 2 chaperones, 30+ hours, and 3 flights from San Francisco to New York to Nairobi, and finally, to Lilongwe, Malawi.

The travel was brutal, and when we arrived we met with my colleagues- the Trek leads, coordinators, translators, cooks, and driver- who would then take us on a further 2 hour trip into the town of Kasungu to stay the night. Our hotel was crisply landscaped with trimmed hedges, palms, and draping trees. Each room opened to the outdoors with an old heavy key. I mercifully had my own room - a few hours of still calm in a mosquito netted bed with a chorus of frogs echoing into the night.

The next day would be our welcome ceremony in the village surrounding the Bwanyundo school.

In the morning we ate a hearty breakfast and changed money. Each American came into the room one by one and sat in a chair next to Austin, our money changer. They looked like a pair of throned monarchs, counting small piles of kwacha and dollars.

Across the room, students were carefully picking a chitenje (brightly designed rectangles of fabric). The girls then brought the new, stiff nsalu (fabric) over to Vitu and Yankho (a name meaning 'Answer') to carefully wrap into a skirt that drapes to the ankles.

In a circle, we learned Chichewa phrases from Yankho and how to squat over a pit toilet from Robert ('Be a sharp shooter, or it will be disaster'). And then we were piled sweaty in a bus, headed to Bwanyundo.

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The 3 Ws

Tip from Laurie Santos, Yale cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Project podcast, when asked: Would quitting social media be the most important thing your students could easily do to increase their happiness?

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"I teach students — this comes from the journalist Catherine Price — the acronym W.W.W.: what for, why now and what else?

When you pick up your phone, what was that for? Was there a purpose? Then: Why now? Did you have something to do, or were you bored or anxious or fighting some craving? And then, what else?: actively noticing the opportunity cost."

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quote and image from NY Times, photo illustration by Bráulio Amado

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Anxiety came on suddenly. I started developing some strange symptoms - patches of hives behind my ears and on my wrists and joint pain that came on suddenly when I was trying to sleep. It came with symptoms that (I only found out a year and a half later) came from panic. Shortness of breath, quickened heartbeat, loss of feeling in my fingers. The ever present fear that I was dying.

Finding out I have anxiety was life changing. I wasn't dying, and I can develop strategies. Unfortunately, there were some true losses that came with the onset of anxiety. One of those losses was my relationship with the ocean. I couldn't go into open water without having a panic attack, and this meant I had to give up surfing, and along with it the identity I formed around being fearless, strong, and down for anything.

I started therapy then went on antidepressants (lexipro) and 6 years after the onset of anxiety my life had truly become so much more like my former, panic attack-less, life. A month ago I felt ready to try being in the water again- in little baby 2 footers- in a protected cove I used to surf in Santa Barbara. And it was wonderful. My anxiety was still present but manageable, and slowly, wave by wave, I was able to start paddling for waves. And for 2 glorious seconds, on a tiny mushy beach wave that broke instantly, I surfed.

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Sunrise from inside a tiny home where I stayed in Abiquiu. Wish I was an early riser! The morning quiet offers motivation and energy pulled like a thread deep in my soul, and resonant from the earth.

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"But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape."

bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions

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2022: Day 1 // Todos Santos