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Life drawing

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Trans Day of Remembrance post

content warning for suicide

Today is Trans Day Of Remembrance. I've felt a very strange mix of emotions leading up to today. Sorrow, melancholy. Duty. It's my first TDOR as someone openly trans. My first TDOR after starting transition and HRT.

And it's my first TDOR after having lost someone in my life.

The person I want to honour on this day is Lilith, or Lily. We weren't friends for very long, but she was sweet and adorable. She was a fan of 40k, she was a puppy girl. She was short, shorter than me even.

She started HRT on the 29th of March, 2024. One month before her birthday. I was so fucking happy and excited for her. I'd seen her be sad often, and struggle often, so that was like a ray of sunshine amidst a not so sunny world.

She died on May 8th, 2024. So shortly after her birthday. So shortly after starting HRT.

That was my first time experiencing what among us trans folk is a sadly way too common experience. My first encounter with that dark shadow that looms over us constantly. A grim reminder of a dark reality.

Grief has been a constant companion for me throughout this entire year. I'm not going to make this too much about my suffering though.

Because besides grief, there is hope. After what happened, I picked myself up with an invigourated energy. One week later, I went to see my doctor. I was committed to succeeding. No more waiting to be in a "better" or "ideal" place. If things can end so abruptly, I want to cherish my time.

45 days after her passing, I started HRT. When I did, I cried. I cried for myself, and for her. Despite the hurdles, despite the obstacles. I almost didn't get my shipment. I spent a large chunk of my savings on this stuff. I had to come out for the first time to a person because I needed blood tests.

But I felt a responsibility to Lily, and to myself. A responsibility and a duty. A duty to take something so horrible, something that shouldn't happen to anybody, and to find drive from it. To find drive instead of despair. To allow me and others to look forward instead of getting stuck looking backward.

I will always remember you Lily. You've given me strength I could not muster for years. I will honour that forever.

If any of you ever feel despair, no matter where in your journey you are, you are an inspiration to others. Others want you to succeed in life. I want you to succeed in life. Remember those who came and went before us. Let the past inspire our future.

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Hi everypuppy, I don't have the energy to tag anyone so I hope that's okay

last song: if god didnt want us to snort worms he wouldn't have made them cylindrical!

favorite color: Purple... in all of its shades. (Hi my full name would be Violet Indigo Amethyst)

last book: Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie, it's for one of my classes but still interesting (@ prev I have neuromancer sitting here but I havent read it yet!!!! It's so alluring though)

last film: Deadpool & Wolverine (through the seven seas)

last show: Last completed show was Gravity Falls? I think? And my most recently watched was the first episodes of Dandadan (So fucking good btw, incredibly stylish) - and I am right now watching Arcane

sweet/spicy/savory: hmmm... sweet probably

relationship status: Absolutely yes

last thing I googled: Oignon french dictionary

current obsession: ... Certain people. I'm sorry, I can't help being gay...

looking forward to: Taking my HRT this friday... and christmas gifts... I have a few christmas gifts in mind this year

Sorry chat I didnt have the spoons to think of people to tag ;w;

it's tag game time, thanks @castallurspells :)

last song: never met! by uhh. lemme look that up. cmden and glitchgum. a cool amv came up on youtube and i got blasted back to like 2021

favourite colour: every green ever

last book: a lot of random chapters of academic papers

last film: i genuinely cannot remember

last show: dandadan....episode 7 made me cry

sweet/spicy/savoury: savoury all the way

relationship status: In One! im arospec myself but ✨ it works ✨

last thing i googled: acnh reactions list. i wanna get every emotion

current obsession: honkai star rail lives rent free in my head

looking forward to: hopefully getting sushi or a nice sandwich after class today

tagging: @fightingtrim @sneeg-snag @aceofstars121 @its-me-ej and anyone else who wants in 👍

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sometimes i think about the golden record and i want to cry

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i love this tweet so much i think about it weekly, i structure my life around it its so crazy how much one tweet changed the way i view neopronouns for the better

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I'm up to the "I dunno maybe children working 13 hour shifts is bad, guys" part of Capital and it feels important to inform people that haven't read it yet that capitalists in the 19th century were not by any means wringing their hands and twirling their mustaches about employing children to squeeze out profits, they were hiring "experts" to write newspaper articles for them, explaining how "well, the socialists have these big demands about an 8-hour work day, and taking Saturdays off, but it's actually just so complicated, it's too complicated for most people to understand, we just NEED to hire children for night shifts because the stamina of their strong, youthful bodies is the only way we can survive as a business! It's science, you see. Economics doesn't work like that, just ask our economics professors at Oxford. You CAN'T turn a profit only working people 8 hours! Trust the experts, they know. It's just so complicated..."

That exact infuriating cadence that you read in New York Times articles, in the Atlantic Monthly, in the WaPo and all the other bourgeois rags where "everything is so complicated, and it's actually a lot more complicated than you think.." that has been around since the beginning. It is nothing new. So the next time you see some op-ed from Matt Yglesias or any of those other guys huffing their own farts about how "complicated" everything is, and how "unrealistic" a 30-hour work week is, remember that Marx was dealing with that exact class of "intellectuals" "explaining" how working 13 hours at age 10 was "vital" to the "moral fibre" of those poor kids.

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every writer knows the pain of having an idea that’s “too good” to write because you know you can’t do it justice

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hades explaining that he’s the god of the dead, not the god of death

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adhd paralysis sucks bcuz im just sitting there and my brain is like

YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU ARE WASTING TIME

no work done no rest gained. literally no point of this at all

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Sorry I left you on read for 3 months, I was stuck in an endless self isolation and self destruction cycle bc I thought I deserved to be alone. (It will probably happen again.)

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For those wondering what's happening in Amsterdam right now and hearing media bullshit about 'pogroms', let me break it down for ya:

Sunday, November 3rd: During the weekend, Israeli fans of Maccabi Tel Aviv arrive in Amsterdam in advance of the soccer match against Ajax to take place on Thurday. On the first night, a man wearing a kufiya is attacked and beaten up so bad that he is hospitalized. The incident is ignored by the media and the police.

Wednesday, November 6th: Maccabi fans remove Palestinian flags from buildings, burn the flags and intimidate the inhabitants. A taxi driver is attacked with metal chains. The police watch and do nothing. Fellow taxi drivers have to come to the victim's rescue. The incidents are ignored by the media.

Thursday afternoon, November 7th: Maccabi fans hold a pro-IDF rally, carrying IDF emblems and shouting 'destroy the arabs' and 'we will fuck the arabs'. Fans also return to further intimidate the inhabitants of buildings that they had targeted on Wednesday. The incident are ignored by the media and the police.

Thursday evening, November 7th: Maccabi fans are shouting the same slogans and intimidating people of color while moving through the Amsterdam metro, while other fans simultaneously disrupt a vigil for the victims of the floods in Spain. The incidents are ignored by the media and the police.

Thursday night, November 7th: Amsterdam youths successfully fight back against the Israeli's that have been terrorizing their city. Maccabi fans that had gathered for another night of violence are driven off in all directions. Some find shelter with the police.

Friday morning, November 8th: Ignoring everything that has happened before, the city council and the media go wild, declaring that a 'pogrom' has taken place against 'Jews' and that 'violent antisemitism' is making Amsterdam unsafe. Maccabi fans that were shouting 'death to arabs' a few hours ealier are giving teary-eyed interviews claiming they were afraid for their lives and were targetted for being Jewish. The city council bans all forms of protest for 3 days.

Saturday morning, November 9th: a group of Amsterdam antizionist Jews is forced to cancel their Kristallnacht/Novemberprogromme 1938 commemoration because of threats of violence from Maccabi fans. This is ignored by the media and the police.

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For those wondering what's happening in Amsterdam right now and hearing media bullshit about 'pogroms', let me break it down for ya:

Sunday, November 3rd: During the weekend, Israeli fans of Maccabi Tel Aviv arrive in Amsterdam in advance of the soccer match against Ajax to take place on Thurday. On the first night, a man wearing a kufiya is attacked and beaten up so bad that he is hospitalized. The incident is ignored by the media and the police.

Wednesday, November 6th: Maccabi fans remove Palestinian flags from buildings, burn the flags and intimidate the inhabitants. A taxi driver is attacked with metal chains. The police watch and do nothing. Fellow taxi drivers have to come to the victim's rescue. The incidents are ignored by the media.

Thursday afternoon, November 7th: Maccabi fans hold a pro-IDF rally, carrying IDF emblems and shouting 'destroy the arabs' and 'we will fuck the arabs'. Fans also return to further intimidate the inhabitants of buildings that they had targeted on Wednesday. The incident are ignored by the media and the police.

Thursday evening, November 7th: Maccabi fans are shouting the same slogans and intimidating people of color while moving through the Amsterdam metro, while other fans simultaneously disrupt a vigil for the victims of the floods in Spain. The incidents are ignored by the media and the police.

Thursday night, November 7th: Amsterdam youths successfully fight back against the Israeli's that have been terrorizing their city. Maccabi fans that had gathered for another night of violence are driven off in all directions. Some find shelter with the police.

Friday morning, November 8th: Ignoring everything that has happened before, the city council and the media go wild, declaring that a 'pogrom' has taken place against 'Jews' and that 'violent antisemitism' is making Amsterdam unsafe. Maccabi fans that were shouting 'death to arabs' a few hours ealier are giving teary-eyed interviews claiming they were afraid for their lives and were targetted for being Jewish. The city council bans all forms of protest for 3 days.

Saturday morning, November 9th: a group of Amsterdam antizionist Jews is forced to cancel their Kristallnacht/Novemberprogromme 1938 commemoration because of threats of violence from Maccabi fans. This is ignored by the media and the police.

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posts about the alt-right pipeline being compassionate towards young men while radical leftists shun and shame them are not fucking saying "the men are becoming violent because feminists are too mean!" and if that is your takeaway you need to get off tumblr until you've better honed your critical thinking skills.

those posts are talking about how effective the language and approach you take in your activism can be. this is literally cult deprogramming 101. if someone is being taken in by a violent or dangerous group, that violent or dangerous group is usually offering them compassion and solace while working hard to convince them everyone else in the world is their enemy. you are under no obligation to coddle or act compassionate toward these men and their violent ideologies, but if you have the means to try, it is something that you can do to make a tangible difference.

radicalized people are often only one loving friend or family member or external voice away from being de-radicalized. of course that is not always the case, but it very often is. a lot of y'all rightfully understand that you do not carry the burden of being that voice, but a lot of y'all also have a lot of internalized ideas about morals and punitive justice and have simply written off these people as deserving of only the worst and not worth saving.

ten years ago, my grandmother was a fox news watching republican who voted red in every election and very well could have fallen down the qanon rabbit hole if not for me and her daughter challenging her compassionately, walking her through hypotheticals that validated her feelings & proving why they were false, & being patient with her despite our extreme division in political ideology. it was frustrating fucking work! but i decided i wanted to do it, because i could see the horizon and i could see me making a difference!

"misogynists have been saying feminists are too mean for years, get new material" that is not the fucking POINT. the point is that you, feminist, can be the compassionate voice that guides your brother, your father, your cousin, your grandfather away from fucking becoming or staying a nazi. you can show them compassion and companionship. you can be the woman they think of when their alt-right bros try to convince them that women are the enemy. and you can choose to crystallize that image of yourself so wholly in their mind's eye as worth protecting that they may very well choose to reject those harmful ideas.

it's not saying you HAVE to do it! it's saying you CAN do it! don't you 'firebomb a walmart' people all love taking change into your own hands? where the fuck is that energy right now, huh?