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villainoir · 6 months ago

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𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕘𝕚

“If I can’t have that huge ass happiness, then let me hold on to those crumbs in peace,” I said to a dear friend during a typical midnight breakdown.

I was left by many in 2023, and every time I had a new reason to smile, it turned into tears. A time stretched arduously looong as though I was forcefully flown through multiple lifetimes in the span of a year. Birth, death, birth, death, birth, death. I was tied to this roller coaster of emotions, actions, and misperceptions. Hell is like that, or so I heard.

Sure, this year, I was rejected by Oxford, Cambridge, and the first round of LPDP scholarship. My apartment handover was postponed and my career faced a significant block. But anyone close to me would know those were not the reason. Despite my efforts, I never care too much about achievements.

In contrast, I bend over backwards for relationships. All or nothing. Ride or die. You name it. A recipe for disaster knowing this paradox of love: if we let someone be the reason for our happiness, we also give them the authority to hurt us the most—eventually.

While sweeping my eyes to admire each laying dog and how cute their wagging tails were, I paused between laughs to ask myself, “Am I ready to take that chance?”

I lied when I said I wanted to meditate. I recited a silent prayer for the happiness to last a bit longer. My mind was on a parade despite the serenity of that afternoon. The scars opened and screamed, “Come on, we can’t take another ride around the loop! You are happier when you are alone!”

Once and for all, it is time to rip those flashes of moments that are etched deeply in my skin and form them into boxed fictions, putting a distance between where the book ends and the new one begins. Shelved. Or burned. A necessary step back. This one is a storm to drench the fiery parade that will no longer be part of the tickling clock.

---

Neo-Noir

My last post on Instagram was dated October 23, 2021, before I took a 15-month hiatus from social life—every kind of it. A review of “Minor Feelings” that marked the autopilot mode devoid of all feelings. This was when I wrote fiction on apocalypse, psychopathy, and starcrossed lovers to ease the pain, hiding behind a femme fatale from The Seventh Victim or Scarlet Street.

This is a neo-noir because I brought the malady to myself. Mother taught me love means sacrifice. Compromise, at the very least. Something that is far from pure happiness as I believed and would always rebel for my right to believe. Because I should know my relationship with Leo would not work the moment I proposed an open relationship as a solution for an untamed desire. One night stand never intrigued me, so what the hell was I thinking?

But I also believe the foundation of long-term love is friendship. I was not a perfect partner either, always swaying around agnosticism and mysticism while dodging those who wanted to tie me down into something too small for my being. Spiritual freedom is the pinnacle of my self, so I gladly traded it with someone who was beyond supportive of my strange journey. If that was the price I had to pay to be unapologetically me, then be it. On top of that, Leo took care of me very well. Until he went to Bali and met someone. The forgotten agreement was suddenly set into motion.

Without reminiscing the excruciating details, I was soon overwhelmed by another foreign concept: a polyamorous marriage. Breakup or that. He invited me to Thailand to met his partners—yes, plural—and showed me how joyful that arrangement was. We finally did meet over dinner. I stayed and conversed well. Laughed occasionally even with a lump on my throat. But the moment I arrived at his apartment, my tears flowed like a river in rain. I did not sleep to sit at the balcony until dawn, wondering how futile life was then praising myself for not jumping from that height.

He opposed the idea of settling down in Indonesia, refused to “kiss his parents’ asses" by being fake, and clearly dumped the responsibilities on me. “I did not have the heart to leave you alone,” he pledged, but he did have the heart to do all of these?

I hugged him goodbye for the last time, never met him again, and spent all the money I save for marriage to do something extremely out of my comfort zone: signing up to the gym.

---

Psychological Horror

The nightmare with Aries started of spite.

I wanted to prove I could get a man in a snap to replace Leo—as he always said to be honest. My first relationship with Scorpio conditioned me with a doctrine that I was unlovable and no other man would want a melancholic/sensitive woman like me except him, so it was natural I got carried away to desperately crawl outside the hole I thought I left years ago. However, anything that started with ego would not end in sincerity. Honey, it was not “Oh, finally someone like me after all these years,” but you were never single! No sane man would steal a glance at someone whom they thought was in a wholesome relationship.

Aries was my personal trainer. Being naive, I did not know the dynamic of the gym and how naturally flirty these trainers were. Since I was recently single, I was open to getting to know everyone even if this man was totally out of my ideal type. Much younger, use TikTok, can’t speak basic English. But I was alone, and I enjoyed talking to someone, including through the phone. I ignored all the softer flirtatious remarks as long as I could laugh during the sessions. Strictly friends, I often reminded him.

It went out of hand as fast as he offered to marry me in less than five meetings. Lately, I understood he was just a pathetic half-baked religious man who was dying to have sex. If marriage was the way, then be it. Screw the simple math: Could he pay for my needs? Could he make me happy? People did not take an oath just because they were horny, stupid. I was stunned but not impressed.

One damned night, I laid in my bed after taking an allergy pill. I itched all over my body because of bed bugs at my house in Bogor. Although a bit drowsy, I received a call from him. The next thing I knew, I froze in time.

I should know “What are you wearing right now?” was not a decent conversation starter. I could hear everything clearly. The stroking, the moaning, the friction between skin and sheet. I wanted to throw up but I could not.

We do not talk enough about how victims of sexual abuse tend to rationalise their experiences due to feeling ashamed. Questions like, “Am I responsible for this by leading him the wrong way? Do I deserve this?” occupied the mind. Furthermore, I did not trust anyone at the gym. I was afraid my complaint would not be taken seriously. My hunch was apparently correct when later on, I found out the Fitness Manager made WhatsApp stickers using the photos of staff and members, including mine which was taken without consent.

Regardless of the obvious red flag, during March, I tried to forgive what Aries did and continued the session. It was a one time mistake, I convinced myself. I decided to observe the situation and dropped some enticing baits to secure text proof since the cursed call was not recorded. Wrong moves. I only put myself in danger.

Not including what he said right to my face, some of the texts sounded like this:

“Kapan badan kita bisa menyatu?” (With a shirtless pic) “Aduh aku lupa udah minum hormon apa belum jadi aku minum lagi. Kayanya udah deh, jadinya aku tegang banget gimana ya.” “Aul aku udah ga tahan banget nih. Kok kamu bisa tahan sih?” “Aku mau tanya tapi jangan marah ya, punya mantan kamu segede apa?”

But the most hurtful is this remark:

“Aku nerima kamu kok, tapi aku yakin suatu hari kamu akan balik ke agama yang bener dan jadi perempuan soleh. Aku akan selalu doain.”

Come on, had he seen his text?! I might not be religious but I have a high moral standard. It came from the heart, not holy texts or pretentious preachings.

Aries believed what happened was simply a couple’s misunderstanding and we had a love story in the making. Hence, he only changed for two or three weeks. Afterwards, and I was only cognisant of this after I rewound the scenes backwards, he took every chance to touch me, performed exercises in the empty corner of the gym, called “sayang” and endlessly flirted to the point I burst into crying. For god sake, shut your filthy mouth up!

But there was someone who noticed my frowns.

“Kak, kenapa? Kalau dia ngeselin pukul aja,” Taurus said while offering a boxing glove to my clenched fist. And the protective, “Heh, tangan lo jangan kemana-mana tolol,” every time Aries tried to hug my back. Sometimes Taurus interjected the workout by showing an alternative form, sensing his friend did not do a good job.

I assumed I had found someone dependable at this gym just in time after I had that meltdown.

“Kamu kenapa? Udah ga enak banget mukanya. Kemarin aku denger kamu ada keluhan tapi aku lagi cuti ke Bali. Gapapa, cerita aja sama aku.” “Boleh minta nomor kamu?” “0857xxx. Nanti telepon aja ya. Aku selesai ngajar jam 8.”

I can’t believe that 30-minute hate-fueled complaint call in the last day of March is the longest we ever talked on the phone until this day. Like a true madman, Taurus like(d) me despite that unremarkable first impression.

---

Romantic Comedy

“Kalau aku mau ganti PT pilihannya siapa aja ya? Agak takut.” “Kamu maunya yang gimana?” “Ga tau. Kamu lebih tau tim kamu, jadi kamu aja yang pilih.” “Sama aku aja ya?” “Kamu advanced trainer, kan? Harga kamu beda ga sih?” “Gapapa, kan aku Team Leader-nya. Aku juga yang approve, yang penting kamu jangan sampe berenti gym, oke?”

Taurus was my saviour. He made me feel safe in the most alien place I had ever been. We connected effortlessly as if we shared the same frequency. Not a single joke landed flat. He even praised me for leaning towards agnosticism since he thought it was a brave decision. He also told me he identified with one religion but did not care about the rituals. Great, someone who would not make a big deal out of my situation. On top of that, the workout program worked well. This body is his masterpiece—yet wrapped in “do not touch” from now on.

On my end, I never planned the relationship to blossom, especially after the traumatic experience. We agreed to keep the offender's job out of kindness and only gave him a warning letter. “Just focus on me, all right?” Taurus soothed me every time my anger burst whenever I accidentally crossed paths with Aries at the gym. His patience shined in responding to my rage-fueled question, “Kamu pernah semarah itu sampai pengen bunuh orang ngga?” He laughed and replied, “Pernah kok. Sama, orangnya juga masih ada disini. Yuk, sekarang kita ke mesin…”

My feelings shifted to be more than a good friend after Eid. I invited my younger brother for a trial session and they connected so well despite my brother being an awkward introvert. They magically bonded over their love for Japan. I never thought having someone who could be close to my family to be a determining factor in choosing a partner, but he showed me I was more of a family person than I acknowledged.

And we? We bonded over broken hearts, broken homes, even deaths. I would never win the pity party, though. I lost a cat, he lost a grandmother. My father left me to the Netherlands, his left with a mistress he met at Neverland. I admired how he grew from adversities, standing tall in his own feet when life seemed to move against him since he was just a child. If I had to submit to a man, it would be to someone with that overflowing resilience.

We had this type of half-flirting, half-insulting.

“Nanti kalau kamu nikah mau adopt anjing ga?” “Mauu, kamu suka anjing apa?” “Aku apa aja sih. Kamu aja udah kaya anjing.” “Ih. Coba liat fotonya, menurut kamu mana yang paling lucu?” “Kamu jenis apa?”

And this type of joke.

“Gimana sih anjing gerakannya.” “Sekali lagi nanya aku bunuh kamu.” “Yuk, pisau di apartemen aku gede-gede loh.” “Ih serem Ardista.” “Lah?”

Still, we were alike in one path: a cancelled marriage plan. Apparently, like mine, his Bali trip is a breakup trip. After being drained from having two failed long-term relationships, I told him I was not interested in another one. I was against wasting time on something that would not work. And he, also fed up with his past three girlfriends who cheated and used him for money, subtly agreed. Jokingly, I said I only wanted to engage in a taaruf-style relationship; knowing each other through a series of in-depth discussions and then straight to marriage. That set the tone for our conversations.

“[…] Nah dari situ, jujur aku agak ngeri sama pernikahan. Kayanya malah merugikan buat perempuan.” “Tergantung pasangannya si menurutku.” “Tapi di keluarga besar aku sendiri […].” “Ya semua hubungan dan pasangan gitu memang ada masalah ga sih? Makanya pernikahan itu ibadah, memang jalaninnya sulit.” “Iya lagi. Pinter banget kamu. Terus orang-orang yang malas ibadah kaya kita gimana? Wkwk.”

On his end, it was a blurry line. Since the beginning, he never called me “Kak Aulia” as everyone else at the gym, speaking volumes about how he saw me as a potential god-knows-what but not solely as a gym member. He asked about my type, my idea of an ideal relationship, my monthly wage, my future plan, and many other things as if counting what he needed to prepare. To put it blatantly, if he could afford me. I did not know the answer, but he carefully crafted a facade that he could.

“Kalau nikah, kamu pengen tema apa?” “Princess.” “Mantap Princess.” “Barbie & Ken.” “Dih kocak. Terus kalau honeymoon, kamu pengen kemana?” “Astagaa berat banget obrolan kaya udah pacaran 2 tahun padahal baru kenal 2 bulan.” “Yaa sesuai potensi juga sih.”

I was happy whenever I received his text even at 23:00 when he had arrived home safely, tucked in a blanket. I was always excited to meet him. I was always one call away. I laughed the most from April to July thanks to him. Not even once I thought about my breakup or my ex.

It was so easy to get me under his skin, consensual this time, but he protected me like a crown jewel despite his wild tales of a foursome with his ex or a drunk sex after a random girl gave him a lap dance at the club. Those were only measurements of how much I could accept his past as he tried to be a softer man this time. Though he was experienced in nude, he claimed ours was his first interlude to emotional intimacy. He never shared his side of stories with anyone before me as he was never proud of those. He was afraid of being rejected for having imperfections. I wondered how could he build relationships out of pretense when I always love deep talk more than fancy dates.

But perhaps honesty was too scary for him.

The unconditional acceptance could feel overwhelmingly unfamiliar after twenty years of abuse, so he ghosted me in the end.

---

Melodrama

I personally do not approve of a relationship between a personal trainer and his client as it would be stained by a conflict of interest. It is very opportunistic for a man to flirt within a time slot paid by the woman. She deserves professionalism.

Still, as a leader, Taurus must know that too. His team looked up to him. Not when he gave a presentation on “manners.” The middle ground was for him to be promoted from Team Leader to Fitness Manager and stop being my personal trainer.

After Eid, I already knew he would leave to Bali by the end of 2023. But I did not know how messed up things would be in August.

Being exposed to the source of trauma messed my brain up. I finally exploded after knowing Aries was awarded for winning a national competition held by the gym, and the warning letter was not for sexual harassment but for poor sales performance. Out of anger for the situation and how it was handled, I shared screenshots of Aries’ shameless chats in Instagram close friends after inviting all the gym staff inside the list.

A furious moment of truth.

“Aku ga tau kalau aku jadi nyamperin kamu ke Trembesi nasib aku bakal gimana.” “Kita beda. Ini bukan tentang kamu." “Tapi yang megang kamu sekarang tuh aku, Ardista. Kamu itu tanggung jawab aku. Aku yang ditanya sama General Manager kalau ada ribut-ribut. Puas kamu? Udah dapet perhatiannya?" "Ya aku teriak-teriak karena kalian ga dengerin!" "Aku cuma mau kerja dengan tenang, Ardista. Aku kaya pacaran.. punya hubungan.. sama anak kecil tau ga.” “Kamu ga ngerasain inner battle aku setiap harus ke gym!" "Kan udah ada aku!" "Aku tau, tapi kalian pernah ga sih mikirin posisi aku pas tau sexual offender dibiarin gitu aja? Korban dia banyak, ga worth it dipertahanin. Karena kalian ga seriusin complain aku, makanya aku kasih sanksi sosial sendiri!” “Terus aku harus gimana? Dia juga team aku. Kamu privileged, ga pernah tau rasanya susah cari kerja. Please stop.” “Kenapa kamu selalu belain dia?” “Aku ga pernah belain dia. Aku ngatain dia tolol tiap hari. Aku bully dia, tanya aja yang lain. Tapi ga semua harus sesuai apa yang kita mau. Ga semua punya safety net kaya kamu."

The rest I wanted to forget. A traumatic conversation with the Fitness Manager who blamed me in the smoothest way he could. Two visits each to a psychologist and a spiritual healer. In the end, Aries resigned out of shame. As he should have months ago. It was the true experience of being a woman: we must take matters into our hands before change happens.

Before lashing out, I was torn between fighting for myself or securing my situationship with Taurus. I chose myself in the end, ready to never set a foot on that gym again and lose everything. But despite our arguments, Taurus stayed. I already signed up for 50-session, so I continued it after taking a break for three weeks.

However, we were never the same again.

Although we still had great conversations at the gym, he stopped texting me regularly, probably out of fear of being screenshotted and shared. Technically, I was already dating the busiest man who worked six days from 6 to 22, but before, we sometimes had dinner together. It was devastating, knowing he would leave soon yet we lost chances.

The first time we went out together was to have a drink at Chakra because I lost a stupid English day challenge. It took place after two or three times of failed plans. On the first failure, I rescheduled a meeting with my friend, bought a new dress, styled my hair, beaming with excitement...

only for him to cancel two hours before.

I understood the first because he had to accompany his late grandmother in the ICU, but it became a habit to the point I was always anxious whenever he made plans. Because most never happened. To this day he still owes me a drink, a proper dinner, and a visit to my apartment which I booked so that we could talk after all the restaurants are closed at 22:00.

Even our farewell dinner almost did not happen. At least he managed to reschedule it earlier.

“Sampai ketemu 4 tahun lagi deh kalau gitu. Kamu udah PhD, aku juga udah naik lagi jadi General Manager. Target aku umur 30 tahun kok.” “Tapi kan aku 34.” “Gapapa, kan? Nanti kita sama-sama udah santai. Udah tenang.” “Hmm, mungkin kita ketemu lagi, tapi aku akan gendong anak dan sama suami.”

So, this was it?

I was upset because he said he would consider finding a job as a personal trainer abroad where I would be finishing my PhD. I added Sydney to my university list because it would be easier for a dependant to find a job in Australia. That was my train of thought. Not to equate women with objects, but was I worth less than a property? If you wanted to buy an apartment you never simply said you wanted it.

But what else can we do? Fate had not been the kindest to us except for letting us meet. Two people with opposing backgrounds who would not cross paths in a million chances. If moving on would be the next chapter, I wanted to make him happy for the last time so that my upcoming path would be smoother. So, as he wished, I cut my hair short, made a day in my life video, and scheduled a visit to Bali. I wished him good luck. The last thing I wanted was burdening him.

“Dulu aku selalu nunggu Leo sebelum ambil keputusan, tapi sampai akhir dia ga pernah ada kejelasan. Gara-gara itu, beban 4 tahun aku pepetin di setahun ini. Aku tuh baru menata hidup juga, tau. Mulai Maret, lah. Kamu paham maksudnya?” “Paham. Jangan mengorbankan sesuatu yang pasti untuk sesuatu yang belum pasti?” “Semacam itu. Jadi, semangat ya ke Balinya. I will be okay.” “Aku rencana kesana cuma sebentar kok, Ardista. Paling lama 3 bulan. Habis itu aku balik lagi kesini untuk gantiin X sebagai Fitness Manager.” “Emang bisa kamu ngatur kaya gitu?” “Ya harus bisa. X juga udah proses naik jabatan dan pindah, jadi nanti bakal ada spot kosong. Tapi aku harus ambil ini dulu biar naik. Kalau ga bisa ya aku cari kerja lain hehe. Aku kan lulusan SMA, jadi aku perlu jabatan terakhir as a manager supaya itu yang diliat saat ngelamar.” “Oke, aku doain ya meskipun ga pandai berdoa. Aku akan disini-sini aja.”

I expected we could at least spend the night together after that conversation. More talking, cuddling, and showering each other with affection. But no, we did not. Taurus was a champion at restraining himself.

Until the end, I was never sure of what he wanted. In our last PT session together, he still asked:

“Ardista, kamu suka mobil apa?” “Jeep wrangler.” “Kamu nyiksa aku namanya.” “Lah aku ga paham mobil.” “Pilih yang ada di bawah aja. Yang warna apa?”

We spoke in riddles. Subtexts.

Taurus said he did not want to be sad seeing me saying goodbye. But I did not expect I would know he left from a mere Instagram story. Was I not worth a farewell in flesh and bones? How about a goodbye kiss like in a movie? Even my friend was baffled knowing we never kissed after the kinds of conversations we shared.

Out of 26 Saturdays in the six months we were together, not a single day he spent with me outside the gym. Aside from occasional meals, he never bought any gift even though he said he used to transfer all his money to his ex on pay day, proving his generousity. Therefore, how could I believe his words or his glorious big plans when nothing happened on my end? Why would I be with someone who never makes time for me and leaves me alone all the time? The message I received was this: I was not the one for him. Whatever we had was not enough to change him.

Taurus and I could be friends with so many benefits but we did not, fixating on the overbearing shoulds. I give you one should: We should have known better. That unfortunately, no matter how much we adore each other, we would not work. The wall was too fucking high. I wanted to tear it brick by brick, he wanted to build an elevator. The thing was, no matter which strategy we chose, it was not supposed to be a one person’s job.

We should stop the story at him being my saviour and nothing more. Because that way, he was a perfect man. Now let me erase the stained memoir and have this fantasy.

---

Memoir

A friend’s boyfriend opened my eyes to the way I romanticise life. I am that man in “American Beauty” who shoots a video of a flying plastic bag and sees beauty in the ordinary. The things I encounter, I put them inside a gallery like Jeff Koons and his urinoir. I somehow possess an ability to turn specks of dust into glitters.

Likewise, without my closest friends, I would easily forget how much I cried during the cancelled date nights, dry texts, and ignored voice notes. I never understood the contrasting duality of a person. Which side was the real them?

“Ardista, menurut kamu aku mampu ga ya di Bali?” “Jelas mampu dong.” “Hari-hari aku pasti sepi banget ga ada kamu. Aku mau fokus kerja aja. Kalau misal aku udah disana, kamu mau ga ngunjungin aku?” “Tergantung, diajak jalan-jalan ga?” “Yaa, kalau pas aku libur sih. Kan aku kerja.” “Ya terus ngapain? Nanti udah jauh-jauh ga ketemu juga.” “Ih gitu… Emang aku ga ada artinya kan buat kamu? Kamu udah pelan-pelan ngehapus aku dari hidup kamu ya? Bentar lagi aku dikeluarin dari close friends.”

My trip to Bali should be the nail in the coffin. Thankfully I went there with a friend for a melukat ceremony. Taurus’ money was tight so he could not meet me outside, but would accommodate a meeting at his kost. This happened after a certain period of no contact. The next morning, I was on the car from Ubud to Kuta, so I texted him saying I would be there in two hours. He did not answer numerous calls, and then texted that he overslept.

As expected, he changed his mind the moment I was that close, never from the beginning when I was miles apart. He said his place was untidy, and then, he wanted to be alone as he was not in the right state of mind—would he ever? He hoped I would understand that.

I was always excited to meet him.

But I was tired of his antics. The hot and cold behaviour and guilt-tripping looked like textbook traits of a fearful-avoidant. This game was a mental torture that left long-lasting emotional damage, even when I started to see a new person. I was unreasonably anxious before each meeting because I had so many of these.

“Ardista, I need your support.” “Eh gimana kemarin assessment-nya? Ke apartemen aku aja yuk ngobrol.” “Boleh kesana? Tapi aku baru bisa malem banget.” “Iya, boleh. Ga ada jam tutupnya. Kabarin aja.” At 00:00. “Kamu ga jadi kesini ya? Aku nungguin…” “Oh maksudnya ngga hari ini Ardista, aku tadi blablabla.”

I was always excited to meet him.

I never once doubted his deep affection for me, but I was not sure if he could manage a relationship in his current state with chronic trust issues. When he was not fully healed from the past, casually dumping the trauma from his exes on me. Being put in the same cluster as them made me furious. When they disapproved his job, I became an insider, befriending all the staff. They were the ones who wronged him, but why was I the victim? His rough past was not supposed to be a free pass to hurt me.

He did not say anything when I was sick. When I was not accepted to LPDP. When I posted a New Year Instagram story thanking the precious friends behind my smiles in 2023. When I gave him a four-page handwritten thank you letter to be read alone once he arrived in Bali. To this day, I still do not know if he ever read it.

Nevertheless, I gave him the last chance. He left in October, so I waited for three months as he promised: November, December, January. No contact except for short Instagram story replies. I went to the gym in the first week of February with anticipation but he was not there. How much longer should I wait? Was that promise next to a leg press still valid? I gave him an extra month.

In March, he was not back in Tangerang.

I was done. I did not need any more closure. I was so tired of being sad that I no longer felt sad. I only wanted happiness, and I wanted it now. Unconditionally. With or without him. PhD or no PhD. Alone or with a lover. I remember watching Vidi on Podhub, and it struck me that people with chronic illnesses are always the happiest because they know it should be the core experience of being humans. Health, wealth, family, and loved ones could be taken anytime, but your happiness is yours and only yours to create, keep, and share.

From 500 Days of Summer to JCSDFF, boys love conjuring heroic things in their minds with their imaginary version of a person. For every grand intention, if you see it carefully, nothing happens on the girl’s end. Only ideas that never materialise into actions.

On the other hand, I knew he could spin this story into a tearjerker depending on the genre you like: I leave him for a richer man even though he sacrifices blood, sweat, and tears by working like a dog. I leave him for someone who owns a car instead of a motorcycle since all women are materialistic. I leave him for someone privileged who does not have to worry about his grandmother's hospital bill because life is always unfair to him.

Those were all wrong. I had my money. I accepted him as he was. I genuinely did not mind working hard to heal and figure things out. But it was no longer my business.

Still, I wish him love. He needed it more than he would admit. And I never regretted giving him what he needed. I also grew a lot after meeting him. He deserved the letter.

In the middle of March 2024, I got typhoid fever. It was as if my body tried to get rid of all toxins and impurities, including the affection that ruined me more than uplifted me. It was the peak that marked a huge shift in my life.

After spending time alone, not contacting anyone except for work and gym, I tried to reconnect with reality. I checked unopened messages on my WhatsApp, listened to voice notes from almost two months ago, and re-installed Instagram. It was not as long as the 15-month hiatus, but still. I scrolled through direct messages from friends, and in the spirit of getting out of my bubble: message requests.

Today, I let go of all expectations. I am already happy, so another factor will only add to my happiness, but not subtract it. What would be the worst-case scenario? Being alone? Then I would move to Bali around 40, buying a house and raising dogs there. I could save a lot from my PhD scholarship. It does not sound so bad. I am no longer afraid of the uncertainties of the future.

Today, I would rather choose someone present. Someone who would choose tough discussions over miscommunications and realistic plans over promises. Someone honest in his kindness.

Today, I would rather be with you.

---

Action

My 2023 prayer is to fall in love, and I am grateful to accomplish it after believing I cannot fall in love again. Unfortunately, I forgot including being loved back in that prayer. So, in 2024, I fixed the wording. I prayed to fall in love and have a loving relationship with that person.

Frankly, because of 2023, I never doubt my ability to fall in love again. I have lots of energy to go on fun dates and am always curious to know someone new. There must be something to learn from every encounter. I do not mind repeating all the stories and narrating my life before him bit by bit. My conversation skill is excellent that no conversation will ever be boring. So, I am in for the beautiful experiences even with a chance of turning them into dreadful memories. In life, we have to take risks.

This whole 2023 experience only shows me what I am capable of. I am loving the way I want to be loved; a love that is freeing. I did my best and regretted none. I have said everything that needs to be said. Now imagine if I direct all my efforts to the right person. My love tank is the size of a reservoir, so I cannot pour it into someone who only has a bucket full of pebbles. Receiving is a part of loving.

This time, I have no goal. Perhaps thinking about marriage and all unconsciously burdens me. I just want to enjoy and explore the connection with good faith. If we are destined to be together for the rest of our lives, we would, even without incessant prayers and grand promises. Please take the wheel, dear God. No questions asked.

So long, 2023. I survived yet left with broken pieces. But I hope you see the golden fixes.

Welcome, 2024. Let’s start anew, shall we?

Ardista, May 2024.

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