viinsecure

[viinsecure]

Tf am I supposed to feel?

[viinsecure]

Bro im such a waste of space, waste of money for my mom, for my dad, wtf am I supposed to do with my life? I have no clue no idea of what I should be doing.

I’m not even enough for myself, how am I supposed to feel enough for someone else or for the rest of people that I care about?

I just want to disappear and forget about everything and everyone to forget about me.

Life hurts too much, I want it to stop, I’m too weak for this, too stupid to keep growing and going. I don’t understand it, I’ve been trying to understand it all my life, I’m not made to keep going. I’m a failure, I can’t see a life where I’m an adult and have everything I want, I don’t want to keep suffering, all I see is suffering, pain and hurt. I don’t want to keep going. Everything is so hard for me and I don’t know why. I hate me. I can’t live with myself I’m so stupid.

[viinsecure]

If I killed myself I wouldn’t be thinking all these things, just peace honestly. I hate living rn. I can’t do anything right, nothing. I’m useless. I should’ve just done it when I was 18 I continued as if I had a plan. I still don’t. I feel so bad, I waste so much space and time from people. I’m a useless adult. I don’t do anything right, I want to not exist. It only gets harder and I’m weak.

[viinsecure]

I don’t know why I torture myself wondering who is he going to marry, how nervous is he going to be when he proposes, how is he going to do it. He’s going to be so happy and an amazing husband.

[viinsecure]

It’s unfair, why do I have to get used to a world where cheating is normalized? Why do I have to wait for it to most likely happen? Why is it so normalized?

For me the lowest type of people are the ones who lie, who do things that know that are wrong and still do them, the ones who don’t care about other people feeling bad just because it doesn’t really affect them, people who betray the trust others have in them. It’s so low, lame, stupid.

I don’t want to get used to this. Everyone around me has a story about that, I don’t want to be one of them, tbh I rather die than get used to it.

My boyfriend knows this, I hope the only thing that makes us breakup is me going to Spain but still I’m scared. If we ever breakup it’s going to take me years to have another relationship, it’s so hard to trust people, I can’t do this again, I know he’s good but still I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.

It’s sad that the world is like this. I hate it here.

And I can’t even blame it only on men, women do it too, why? I seriously can’t get it through my head, am I the one who is wrong? Why? Am I putting up an act? Is not being faithful part of human nature?

I know I sound dramatic but I really don’t get it.

I hate it here.

[viinsecure]

I’m tired of knowing that I want to die just to not feel like this and not because I actually want to die.

[viinsecure]

I’m really struggling trying to find happiness, I’m not happy with how I’m living and I’m constantly reminded that I can’t base happiness on relationships because they end and if I do that I’ll die. I can’t base happiness out of Luca, I need to find something that really makes me happy but really the mess in the house is what stops me from doing anything. It’s a mess like my head and I can’t put them both in order. I do notice that when I’m in a clean space I’m happier and productive but I can’t find myself to do anything about it and I hate that. I hate the way I am.

[viinsecure]

I honestly want to die but I don’t even have time to feel like that, I have too many things to do and I can’t rot in my room in peace.

[viinsecure]

Am I asking too much? I feel like I am.

Do I need to get used to how he is? Will he ever change? Do I want him to change? Idk I feel like I’m too much, like I’ll never be happy with anyone. Everyone will find someone better than me, I don’t think anyone will ever think of me as someone special, someone they don’t want to lose, no one has ever shown me that kind of love, and no one will.

I need to learn to be okay with that not happening but it’d be nice.

[viinsecure]

Tbh I’m so tired of seeing couples on the internet posting each other, because if I don’t post about him he doesn’t post about me, I feel like he doesn’t value me like he doesn’t know what he has, I know him not posting me shouldn’t mean anything but it would be nice, tbh I don’t think we are meant for each other, but there’s so many things I want to experience with him, I want to go to new places, I want to show him stuff, but idk maybe I’m just weird for needing to feel loved every second we’ll not every second but like idk those acts of love people do when they’re not together.

Which makes me remember that when we celebrate each month I try to give him a gift or a card, he hasn’t given me anything on those special days, of course he has given me one note and I’m very thankful, but idk I just wish I didn’t care so much about what he does or doesn’t.

[viinsecure]

Ok i need to chill a bit.

I love him so much I want to kill myself.

Idk why I care about him so fucking much.

I’m scared of him leaving as always, and he says that he doesn’t do or say certain things because he’s distracted or he doesn’t know what to say.

Idk if I should believe that or accept that hrs not willing to do or say those things.

Or idk if I’m idealizing him too much. Idk which is the truth.

Idk I feel so in love, anxious, heartbroken and all at the same time but I know or hope that he isn’t thinking like this at all. Maybe he’s just vibing and I’m here worrying over nothing. I’m so scared because there’s a lot of things I want to experience with him and I want to love him for a long time. I’m scared.

Idk what to think.

[viinsecure]

Not me fucking crying because I decide to not eat today just to stay skinny, tbh I’m not even hungry, but I want to eat because I really love food. I want a burger, sushi, pizza, coffee. I hate myself rn. And I have to pretend that I’m okay but I’m pissed. Like mad asf.

[viinsecure]

I AM favored. Everything goes my way. Life and the universe spoils me on the daily. I lack nothing because I am given everything. All of my desires are the universes command. The world is mine and I am highly blessed.

[viinsecure]

I find it sad, that people and me associate skinny with attractive or healthy. When most non naturally skinny people eat less than they are supposed to or don’t eat at all some days.

I hate that I think this way. But I don’t remember a time when I didn’t think like this.

[viinsecure]

me 🤝 telling people ‘i’m good’ when i’m having a bad breakdown bc i know they won’t really care and me and my feelings are an inconvenience anyway

[viinsecure]

[viinsecure]

Something about being at the absolute bottom feels like home