victorienne-vents

[victorienne-vents]

TBH

this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me

i revisit this blog post sometimes to feel a little better about myself. thank you, r :)

[victorienne-vents]

to my distant daydream: part 2/n

(11/21/2024)

I'm not even surprised at how I left this letter unfinished for more than a year. Life happens, I guess. I also think I've been putting off writing the rest of this because it's kind of heart-wrenching for me to do. It almost feels like saying goodbye to an old friend.

Let me pick up where I left off — the first time I ghosted. Honestly, it's been far too long for me to remember it clearly. All I have left is a blurry recollection of how I just stopped talking to you after a few weeks of talking and/or hanging out after class. I gotta hand it to you though, you're really good at this courting thing. I still think you are, with how your current relationship is going (congrats, by the way).

From what I recall, I mostly veered away from you because of all the rumors that I heard: from friends, from orgmates, from classmates. They made you sound like such a flirt around every girl you find attractive. Maybe it was the case, or maybe it wasn't. I was really counting on it being a farce because I liked being the special one in your eyes. You're a Leo, too... maybe you'd understand? The way attention can be so empowering, especially when it comes from someone you like. It was unfair for me to feel this way when I was distancing myself from you. I am such a confusing person, and that's just one of the many reasons why I felt like I didn't deserve your affection.

All the other times I ghosted you over the past 7-ish years, I think it was partly because I was actively against my own happiness. It's so dumb to even think about, but I just let it happen. Sometimes, when I look back at all the opportunities I missed, I sort of wish my past self would take the chance.

One other thing, I'm sorry if I completely messed up the order of this letter. I initially planned to go over every single time I didn't meet your expectations, but I figured it would be efficient if I just ripped the band-aid off quickly. I disappointed you so much that a letter won't even cut it, but here is my pathetic attempt at doing one. I feel like I'll carry the regret of not choosing you for a long, long time.

L, I didn't really think you were a bad person. I'm sorry that I chose to believe the things that others said about you. You're so full of love, and to be on the receiving end of it for such a long time was an honor. It filled me with happiness and pride, but it also brought feelings of insecurity. It's my fault. You thought so highly of me and gave me so many opportunities to just take the leap with you. I failed you over and over again. I can't imagine how hurt you must felt. I can never take back those years you probably felt like you wasted on me, but I hope you know that you were one of my secret comforts during times of doubt (and believe me, those things happened a lot). Your unwavering love and appreciation of even the smallest things, your attention to detail, and the way you tried your best to get to know me... where and when would I find someone who would do the same for me?

I regret not even trying to learn about you... like:

What's your favorite TV series?

What's your least favorite color?

What's your favorite thing about traveling, and what are your dream destinations?

When did you feel the proudest in life?

What are your dreams?

Do you want to have kids, and how many? At what age do you want to start a family? Do you have any names planned out?

When do you want to get married?

Are you scared of horror movies?

Are you a coffee or a tea person?

Do you like the mountains or the beach? Or both?

If you could learn another language, what would it be?

What's your favorite food, snack, and drink?

What are your hobbies?

What's a song that you'd recommend to everyone?

All these questions left unanswered... then there you were, trying your best to get to know me — the foolish, insecure, imperfect me. I'm so sorry I let you down, for disappearing on you, for thinking that I would never be enough for you.

Unfortunately, this letter won't even reach you. It's just another cowardly attempt of mine to voice out these thoughts. So I guess I can share how I used to have dreams of you. There's a saying that the dreams can reflect your conscious desires, and perhaps you were mine. It just took way too long for me to realize. I dreamt of being happy together, of me finally accepting the love I think I deserve. Your love.

Us, together? Maybe it would have been great, it would have been all we ever wanted. But it's just a maybe, always a maybe.

You were the best I never had. The one that got away. My almost. It breaks my heart to think that I would have found both love and friendship with you if I just had the courage to look past all my insecurities to notice how you've been such a constant thing in my life that did nothing but give love, send encouragement, and show how much you cared. You set the bar high. I'd like to thank you for that.

You were too good to be true, and that is an understatement. You went above and beyond all the time and I just couldn't compete with that. Or maybe I just didn't let myself to out of fear. It's confusing for me, too. The bottom-line is, you didn't deserve to be kept hanging, to yearn for someone broken, to be left unreciprocated.

You held on to the idea of us far stronger than I could have. I didn't have the guts to even tell you I liked you. I wanted to hug you, to kiss you, to see the smile in your face when I told you I wanted to be your first girlfriend. I grieve over the fact that I won't ever see that in this lifetime. I'm sorry I didn't take the risk. My deepest apologies for not making you feel loved the way you should have been... and for even thinking that you'd be fine with all the ghosting I did. No one deserves to get treated like that. Like a safety net. Like a back-up plan.

I just hid, and hid some more. My feelings and my actions did not agree with each other, and I just withdrew myself from the almost-reality of us together. It felt bad before, but now that you've moved on, it sucks even worse.

It's so hypocritical of me to be doing a long-overdue letter like this at a time where you've actually found someone you would finally settle with. Someone who outwardly communicates their love for you. Someone who gives effort back. Someone who took the time to learn about and understand you.

I've spent so many years trying to transform into a better version of myself that was deserving of your love and attention... and that day still hasn't come. I'm not even sure it will come, but I hope it still would. I want to show myself that I can do it, that I can deem myself beautiful and powerful. I want to see myself in your eyes, or at least your eyes when you still liked me.

By the way, your letters and gifts... I kept them all. I left the last flower bouquet I received from you to dry so I can keep it for longer. The plushies, the wax flowers, the Day of Roses tags, the souvenirs from Japan and South Korea, and all the visits to Makati. I was such a lucky girl. You put out an immense amount of effort every time and I didn't even acknowledge it. I'm so sorry.

Anyway, I'll try to continue this letter when I can, L. I've been listening to sad songs while typing this out, and my heart feels heavy.

I hope you're doing good.

[victorienne-vents]

random tuesday ramblings

so i woke up feeling extra shitty today...

i had a weird dream that ended with me feeling like i was almost in sleep paralysis (couldnt move my arms for a hot second - i felt like someone was holding them down, yikes)

i also realized that my long-time friends have replaced me already with someone else from our elementary/high school class. i saw it coming, but why does it hurt this much? i may have overestimated my importance in their lives... that being said, there is still a part of me that wants to patch things up but they have made it so difficult, they seem to be doing fine without me :') i feel like im the black sheep, the unwanted one, the friend that anybody can replace. it sucks.

[victorienne-vents]

[victorienne-vents]

There are places you haven’t been yet where you already belong.

[victorienne-vents]

gratefulness

God, thank you for all the blessings 🙏🏻 Please continue to guide and care for me and my loved ones.

[victorienne-vents]

as the colder months approach: i wish you all a healthy, calm end of the year. i wish you tasty cups of tea, comfortable clothes, warm beds, nutritious meals in safe homes, good music, new friends and unwavering health. you deserve good things now.

[victorienne-vents]

look at life as less of a race and more of a stroll. you get to set the pace. you get to plan your route. you can divert from the path sometimes, maybe even abandon your previous one altogether. you don’t have to keep up with those in front of you or slow down for those behind you – where they are has nothing to do with you. when you get tired, you can rest, and when you feel energized you can speed up. in any way, it’s a walk you’re on. and it’s your walk to be on. how you get through it and how you accommodate yourself and who you link arms with is up to you.

[victorienne-vents]

does anyone know how to stop the yearning and longing and lingering and the desire and obsession. please. please. please. please. please

[victorienne-vents]

post-massage thoughts

we had a home service masseuse come in tonight and it was a nice, relieving session 💆🏻‍♀️ i hope my janky right leg would feel better in the coming days - apparently, it was sprained!

just a quick note for future me: before you participate in a fun run (anything above 3 to 5km), or do any strenuous/athletic activities after months of sedentary living... please, for the love of god, don't forget to do warm-up exercises atleast a week or a few days before the event 😭 get your body used to quick movements and such so you won't suffer the consequences!

[victorienne-vents]

i want to be loved like the women i read about. like i’m the person they would do anything for. the person they look for in everyone else and everywhere they go because they can’t get her out of their heads. the person their entire being burns for. the person they are patient with, even when she’s rambling, being emotional or sick. the person they go out of their way for, over and over again, because it’s her. the person they love. the person they… love and keep loving.

[victorienne-vents]

[victorienne-vents]

showers are therapeutic

i feel like i have my life together after taking a bath — i guess the frequency of my showers correlate to how my mental health is going

[victorienne-vents]

reminder 2 myself

[victorienne-vents]

anyone else just woke up one day and realized that our time on this earth is limited and that they really really really want to live despite every bad thing that happens and proceeded to have a break down or is it just me

[victorienne-vents]

[victorienne-vents]

reading smut in public without showing an ounce of emotion like the lady that I am