veva-thechaosgremlin

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

I'm looking back at random things I was taught as a kid by various adults and media and. did nobody bother to factcheck anything? was that just not an option or

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

convinced that people who don't like europapa, cha cha cha, windows95man, or rim tim tagi dim are allergic to fun and whimsy

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Literally gave me goosebumps

the crowd singing WHOOOOAAA all together is so cool

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

leave your laundry on the floor for them

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

agree with me that "welcome to the internet" by bo burnham is tumblr's theme song

This site is theater kid-coded enough, no fucking thank you

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Reneé Rapp in Saturday Night Live peforming—

Not My Fault ft. Megan Thee Stallion

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

“I watched Mean Girls for the plot.”

The Plot:

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Everyone heals at their own time…

Now this is something that I knew at the back of my head. But it is also something that deeply annoyed me, because why am I not healing fast enough. The fallout of my first broken heart, my first breakup meant I can’t do my job properly, I can’t be happy I’m general, I struggle to be with my friends and teams because all I want to do is be in bed and sleep/cry the pain away. I took a massive step and I took my time. The think about healing is that everyone who has gone through what you’ve gone through will tell you what they think you should do. They will pressure you to do it, even though you tell them you’re not ready to do it. The best thing about living away from the people that say these things is that you can take your time. Because you can ignore them. My therapist told me I should listen to my body and my feelings. So I did. And on Thursday something clicked on my head. It was something so urgent, something in my head told me that this was EXACTLY what I needed to do at that moment, even though I’m sick and tired. I needed to get his stuff out of my flat. It had finally clicked in my brain they needed to be out. He wants what we had to be over, so over it shall be. I needed to fix my bed, I needed to get his stuff out and I needed to clean my room. And I did that. I boxed his stuff up and booked a collection for the next day. I kept a few things (my therapist approved too): a few T-shirts I liked, a few things that were too big to box up, and his travel bag because it’s big and I’m not about to pay an insane amount of money for shipping (and because it’s good storage as well). I fixed my bed after a year. I put up my medals on the wall <33. I put my degree certificate on a frame and on my wall. I cleaned my shelves. I took most of the things from my floor. I’m halfway through cleaning my room. And I feel a sense of relief. But I’m also overwhelmed in feelings. I’m allowing myself for the first in 3 times to accept or at least acknowledge it’s over. Even though I never really wanted it to be. Because I still miss him. He was such an important person in my life. I loved him so much. But now he’s gone, his things are gone and I’m just here trying to process and understand it all. Maybe one day it will all be okay. Who knows. I guess only time will tell.

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Today I am sick…

My head and body hurt, my throat is dry and sore, I just want to sleep. I wish I had someone to take care of me, just give me a forehead kiss and tell me to lay down, they will take care of things. Maybe just even a hug and some food even when I said no. He used to do it for me. I just hurt everywhere and life just seems to suck especially a lot lately, most of all because there’s no one to make it better or take me out of this depressive state.

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Last night, my little cousin was born…

A little girl to follow 4 others. It got me thinking. I was on the bus alone going back home. I messaged my friends. Got a response. And then I got home. We don’t live in the same country, so I was alone. No one waiting for me as usual. No one to share the good news. I am so excited. I love being the eldest cousin and seeing them grow into wonderful people. But no one to share this with. No one I could talk about it. Just me and the silence of my home at 11pm on a Tuesday night. I wish I had had someone there I could share the news. Someone who would be just as happy. Guess I have to content myself in celebrating alone.

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Today I realised that being positive all the time was damaging my mental health…

I thought that if I was always happy and putting up a front to the world, I’d be okay. That everything would be okay if I was just strong enough for everyone. And then I broke down. Because he made break down. I was finally forced to face all the feelings I’ve been repressing all these years. Maybe that’s what’s left me so broken. I wanted my siblings to see me as a symbol of strength, someone they could always count on, someone who was strong for them when they most needed. But who would be strong for me? Who would hug me and say everything was going to be okay and just listen to me when I needed? I thought I had found that person. But all it got me was a broken heart. I realised that maybe they didn’t really care that much for me and I was just too much for them to handle. It just reinforced what I felt my whole life. That I’m just too much for people to handle. Because who wants to deal with a mess? Who wants to deal with the fall of the happy person who seems to have it all together? I feel so stupid for failing, for letting people see me fall and crash to the ground when I was supposed to have it all together. But I don’t. I’m not even sure I ever did. And that’s okay.

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

Today I cried…

And I’m not sure why. I haven’t cried in a week. But I was watching something that triggered me. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately, like my life has just gone down hill. Losing my relationship, my job, my mental health severely declining, my anxiety coming back… it’s all been too much and I just want my mum. I’ve had several mental breakdowns and cried like I’ve never cried before. I’m really low rn. But that’s part of the process and I have to trust my therapist. I want to believe everything will be better. That I can get through all of this alone like I’ve always done. It’s so tiring to have to do it alone again. But I’ll get there. One day I will. This is my journey to recovery. And I need to document it. To let all my feelings out.

[veva-thechaosgremlin]

I can live with or without you… but it doesn’t mean I miss you

I feel like I’m mourning a death

The death of what I thought had been the best thing to ever happened to me

The death of an illusion

You ran and I tried catching up

But I was never good at these games

I stayed behind, mourning and crying

And you kept on like I was nothing but a discarded piece of paper

I miss you

I hate you

I still love you

You make me angry

I can’t bear to see my life without you

I don’t know if I could let you in again

All I needed was a hug

All I need is a “you’re going to be fine”

Pain is temporary but this took my heart out

I will be able to live without you

I didn’t want to

But I will

And I hope one day you regret that I’m able to

I hope one day you regret throwing me away

Because I was the best fcking thing to happen to you

But you weren’t the best to happen to me

[veva-thechaosgremlin]