venustransiens

[venustransiens]

This Blog is Now Defunct

I’m making this post because I don’t want to delete this blog but I won’t be updating it any further either. I created this to serve as a blog for the first half of creating my master’s thesis as required by the course. Now that I am writing the actual thesis and everything I do not need this blog anymore. But I want to look back on this blog later to see what I thought in such a messy time of my life and career.

The thesis will be shared in some form after it is completed next month, however I am able to share it. My advisors have also told me I should aim to publish at least 2 journal chapters and/or a book from the research I have done. Depending on which of those happens I will surely post about it on my main blog @keepthisholykiss

For now I am also working on a research proposal to, possibly, begin my PhD later this year. My PhD research is not on lesbian literary history but instead is on theatre and psychology via Hamlet. You can learn more about it at @hamletscalamity where I post about what I can regarding that project.

If there are any updates to my research or things you can find from me I will edit or reblog this post, otherwise this blog will lay dormant. Soon I will be announcing the journals and books I am currently in process for publishing in, but I will say more on that when they are available for purchase.

[venustransiens]

Week 14

hi thesis blog i am so sorry u have met this fate. i think back to the beginning of grad school where i was suddenly so excited about the future again and was so sure of what i wanted. i deviated from that plan and learned so many lessons about what academia means to me and what i want to do with my learning and hey at least it took me back to why i originally went to grad school. in a blink this will all be over and then it'll only be my phd from here, assuming i get into a phd program but i don't think my odds are too low.

i will archive this blog once i know i don't need it anymore but for now i will just keep posting weekly as needed. i am entering the last week of spring semester so i believe i am done with you for now but I'll probably be back in the end of may to start up my last semester of ma studies.

til then I'll be reading up on tons of performing arts theory and checking out plays to write about for my last two classes to keep me sane before the end

[venustransiens]

week 13 uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’m so sorry @ past me I think we just found the WRONG niche entirely. I am working on some of my thesis stuff but I am doing WAY more for my phd prep and i am so excited about it. I really am just a drama and poetry scholar after all. Gonna work on finishing up the semester soon and then hopefully I don’t have to keep this journal anymore because my thoughts really are just ‘oh okay so i dont really love this anymore but i need to finish it to graduate so’ oh well!

[venustransiens]

Week 12????

I am working on my intro chapter! And that's uhhh all I have to say really. Unfortunately I just do not see myself having the same motivation for this topic again. I am so exhausted and the way this is being treated by so many around the world I just don't have the ability to continue. I'll finish my thesis and then we'll see but for now I'm dragging myself to the finish line.

I am SO excited about the preliminary research I'm doing for my next thing that I have to stop myself from researching it now to make sure I do my thesis work. Guess that's just how it goes sometimes.

[venustransiens]

Week 11: woof

I don’t even know what to write in this blog anymore??? I feel like I say that every week but especially now. After looking more into the subjects/research/making strides toward my potential phd work it has made me realize that while I care a lot about my thesis it really isn’t my passion in research. And that’s fine, that’s okay! I just... feel so much more alive even tangentially working on my phd work. I have 3 months left in this program and with this thesis, I’m going to enjoy them as much as I can but I’m going to continue to make strides toward my phd because it has reminded me I can enjoy research again.

If you want to follow my phd work it’s @hamletscalamity

[venustransiens]

Week 10: Delusions out of a bad apocalypse novel

These entries are going to be so entertaining for me to read once I finish my degree + a few years later when I inevitably get my phd. Which, I know, is shocking for me to write considering about a month ago I wanted to throw away all of academia itself. To be fair, I still do.

This week I finished my Review of Literature, please clap. I also got one of my abstracts accepted into a conference, which is always nice. Oh right, I have a conference in like three weeks... time to work on that too I guess. For my thesis though, now it’s time to start my introduction, which I should have finished before the end of the month. At this point I’m not really that worried about if I can do it or how I can do it, I just know that I will do it. This thesis (and this degree) has thrown me through the ringer so at this point my plan is to just exist until it’s done. And honestly one of the things saving my sanity (ironically) is my plans and thoughts for a phd.

From the start of my studies postbacc I have continually said what I enjoy is the study of identity in literature and art. I still stand by that and I think exploring lesbianism in literature was something I needed to do and really enjoy. When this is all said and done I will still be happy to write papers and give talks on the subject, it’s something really important to me. But really the wide net of “identity” is much more exciting for me when considering analysis overall and I hope I get to explore that in the years between my masters and phd.

Everyone has told me, since I started grad school, that I should not pursue a phd unless it’s for me. And like, I thought that just meant I qualified automatically for wanting the title of Dr. and it really does not mean that. People meant that you need to pursue long-form in-depth research if it fuels you, feeds your soul, and is the only thing you can think about every waking moment. I have workshopped like idk 5 phd ideas throughout my time in this degree and my giagantic hamlet project is the one thing that has made me lose my entire mind and want to stay up for 36 hours straight just to consume more of the concepts. So... I think that’s what people meant. Anyway I have a meeting with a possible phd advisor in september so I am excited for that, hope anyone reading this doesn’t think I’ve mclost it (i have but that’s besides the point).

[venustransiens]

Week 9: Distracted Boyfriend dot PNG

This week started really great! I was doing my reviewing of materials, creating plans for my introduction chapter, finalizing the resource list for my lit review. I was even getting excited about my research again and feeling comfortable in my writing.

I have started to find and create the exact connections and flow for my first drafting stages. I found some writings by Natalie Clifford Barney that really helped guide some of my ideas. Everything was on the up-swing it seemed!

My wife and I were set to attend a fun and immersive Hamlet production yesterday. I thought that would be a great break from my research and get me a break. Well!

Never did I think that my two beloved niches of lesbian writing and identity study in Hamlet would fight for my attention so intensely. The production was absolutely amazing and all this did was remind me that ‘oh yeah you have that Hamlet research in progress and lying around.’ The very same research that I have been told by a few folks I could turn into a dissertation quite easily.

Needless to say this has scrambled brain and reminded me that there are ways for me to enjoy Hamlet research without putting myself in the Shakespearean research realm. I am putting myself back on track for my thesis but this all made me reconsider PhD opportunities because I really would love the excuse to complete that research.

Anyone back to being mostly faithful to my lesbian literature research, if only to save my sanity for the next four months.

[venustransiens]

Spring Break Week

Currently Reviewing: Lesbian Decadence by Nicole Albert and Mary A Robinson by Patricia Rigg

Spring Break was when I had intended to re-review all texts prior to finishing my Literature Review section. However I, say it with me folks, did not do that! I didn’t do anything at all. I sat around, dreamed of the days I will no longer be doing my thesis work, and played some Stardew Valley.

I’m now back at it and reviewing two books at the moment. My Literature Review is due in about two weeks and sometime before then I will keep at my text reviews.

From here on out I am not putting any pressure on myself. Whatever I get done I get done, as long as the whole thing is tied up with a bow by graduation then I don’t care. I need a break from academia like... a million weeks ago. I’m so long overdue for some sort of mental break from this stuff. But I cannot get to that break until after I finish this degree. So to whoever is reading this and continuing to follow I will hopefully just be providing more chill entries and updates.

[venustransiens]

Week 8: Midterms

I’ll keep this short and sweet since I don’t have much to say. This week was midterms and I’m exhausted! Spring break starts tomorrow and I will be attempting to read as much as physically possible so after break I can hit the ground running on writing. For now I sleep.

[venustransiens]

Week 7: Is it September yet?

This week I............... did not work on my thesis at all. Are we surprise? No? Great I’m glad expectations have been set appropriately. 

Instead, I worked on my plans for after graduation: getting the hell out of the US. I booked a plane ticket for a trip to Ireland in September as well as a ticket to London to see the English premiere of Rebecca and that’s kind of related to my studies? The Ladies of Llangollen were from Ireland also? So I’m on topic enough here.

Really my trip is a gift to myself for finishing this damn thing (the end is IN sight) and also an opportunity to meet with some universities and talk about options for enrollment in a few years. We’ll see how that turns out!

This week is midterms (kind of? I think? I never really understand in grad school it’s complicated) and I have a good deal of prep and writing to do. So I don’t think I’ll be working on my thesis very much. But during Spring Break I plan to finish up my lit review final draft and get started on my introduction chapter. It will be a lot of reading and I will want to scream at anything that moves so I will enjoy the next week of not-that while I can. And also think about my trip, that will keep my sane.

[venustransiens]

Week 6: Draft One (not my thesis) Submitted

This week I did not work on my thesis at all despite what my rant earlier this week indicates. I did, however, turn in my first finished draft of my essay which will be published in an upcoming collection. I still don’t know how much I’m allowed to say (or if I’m restricted at all) but the essay is about Bly Manor and can really be summarized by this gif I have made with my now melted brain.

This essay utilized a good number of the resources I am using my thesis as well. Given the content and analysis I am doing it’s not super surprising but I did find myself going over to my bookshelf and pulling from the same groups of books. Here’s my physical stack of references!

There were a lot more digital pieces obviously but still, a pretty fun stack of info!

Now I go back to my thesis work, which will I guess be my draft of my intro? We’ll see. I also have a number of other essays to write and some conferences to prep for. Hopefully next week will be better and I will have more fun things to bring up. For now I’m resting and celebrating my first draft completion.

[venustransiens]

Week 5.5: We interrupt this broadcast

I was going to quietly post this on another blog/format and keep this blog “clean” and free of my complaints but it’s my thesis blog to show all the highs and lows of my last 6 months of grad school so why the hell shouldn’t I put this on here?

I don’t know if I am happy in academia in grad school or in anything like this. Every day I get on the internet(TM) and see someone talking about their work, studies, life being removed from syllabi or plans of study. I see students talking about entire degrees being dissolved or administration of liberal arts schools being literally fired by a governor??? or the collegeboard (the beast I hate so much) removing curricula from AP courses that is important for just basic human decency. 

None of this is new and I know that. But it is getting worse and every time I try to be a part of the “change” or functionally fix aspects of academia it all blows up in my face. I have been invited to speak at conferences about public discussions on education only for the conferences to be paywalled, invite-only, and in person. I have submitted work to journals at the request of conference organizers and been rejected on minuscule criteria in, what I believe, is an attempt to justify rejecting my field of research. Every day I come across new takes and bullshit that is being uplifted by these same academic institutions that rejected or belittled me and quickly I learn that what they really want to focus on is sterilized, white, cishet, ablebodied stories of academia, history, literature, everything.

And what happens when we try to change it? In the US, at least, we get pushed under a rug, develop health issues over the stress that we cant afford to take care of, and die far too young either due to stress, poverty, or a field that doesn’t support us. 

I love my studies and field so much it’s ridiculous and I want to stay connected to academia for my life and career (whatever career means now) but how can I want to do that when I am seeing the horrors of education at all levels in the US? How can anyone be expected to work in this field or study at these institutions now? 

I will finish my degree because at this point its out of spite. But what I do after is genuinely unclear to me. I entered graduate school ready to take on a PhD after and help change academia but I am soon to leave it more hopeless than before. I don’t know what the point of this post is, partially a vent and record keeper for myself later, but if you make it to the end of this then I guess it’s a warning about the education system currently and how you need to prepare for the absolute worst before accepting admission to an advanced degree in the united states.

[venustransiens]

Week 5: What the hell is a literature review?

This week is going to be short, sour, and to the point because I have way to much to stay on top of and not enough time to do it. Is anyone even grading or reading these at this point? I really don’t know but the blog is keeping me sane so I’m going to keep at it.

I’m working on my literature review right now and realizing that I have no idea what I am doing with writing this thesis. I hope that this is just the stress but I really find it hard to do much this week or at all when I feel so lost writing this thing. I’m looking up articles on Google for christsake to figure out how to get this section done and I still don’t feel comfortable with it. If nothing else this is once again partially curing me of my desire to pursue a Ph.D.

Apologies to anyone who is actually keeping up with this, we’re in the portion of graduate school where your brain just starts melting out of your ears and nothing is enjoyable.

I also quit basically all of social media because the stress of my studies compiled with the stress of doomscrolling was too much for me. I’ll be on tumblr, dreamwidth, and weird niche websites only now.

Anyway bad week bad time, don’t read this anyone I’m just writing because I have to.

[venustransiens]

Week 4: "And they were roommates”

This week has involved a lot of reading of articles and criticisms of lesbian academia and lesbian literary criticism as I prepare for my first review of literature draft. And it’s left me with even more interest in my topic, a potential line of research for a Ph.D., and a lot of frustration.

It’s amazing to encounter discussions of the emerging niche that is lesbian history and literary criticism in the 1970s and 80s. Many niches disregard criticism or analysis from older decades but to me this perspective is so important to understand where we go from here and how far we have come. I’ve read articles that describe hopes or aspirations that are directly correlated with what I am doing with my research. It feels really cool to have the unspoken connection with lesbian scholars of the past. 

Reading all of these articles can be fairly frustrating however. I come across twice as many writers that are happy to erase the true history of lesbians and queer people in general. Many researchers across decades are more than happy to wave away the validity of these relationships, rewrite definitions of terms, and just generally disregard this field of study altogether. It’s an issue I’m facing with my own journey in publishing research, queer studies get people talking in all the right and wrong ways. This both discourages and encourages me, oddly enough. On the one hand I truly do not want to fight for my place in academia, a fight that feels pointless and not mine to take on. I just want to do my research and publish my work in a generally accessible way, not according to some board’s idea of what research should be, which usually does not align with my own views. But on the other hand it makes me want to keep trying and make something happen. I’m sure some day I’ll find a middle ground there.

In other news, I think I accidentally discovered what I want to study for my Ph.D. dissertation even before I’m done with this degree. In my research I keep running into lesbian or queer women in general who spent a lot of their time researching ancient times and ancient instances of lesbianism. Anne Lister, Sophia Parnok, and Renée Vivien are just a few examples. I think the next step in my research, after this master’s, is going to be honing in my research and finding ways to look more into this topic specifically. We’ll see, of course, I also want to dabble in some folklore studies and generally older than modern literature. But this may be a good Ph.D. niche for me after all!

[venustransiens]

Week 3: Finding my place in my topic

We’re already three weeks into the semester??? I swear graduate school makes time fly 800x faster. This week I have been doing less intensive research for my thesis because I have a draft due for a big project outside of school in three weeks. But that doesn’t mean I stalled on progress altogether! In fact I think taking weeks like this and approaching everything slower will benefit me in the long run.

All of my books are here (yay!) well except one but it was on someone who I’m not entirely sure I’m including so oh well! tbh I think that book is lost in the mail so at this point my only concern is getting a refund as it was pretty pricey!

This week I also applied to present at a conference that would be a pretty big deal for me and an amazing post-grad opportunity. So let’s all cross our fingers I get in, I’ll update on what it is if I get accepted!

I have been reading about a few different topics this week but the most illuminating to me is the story of Marie Madeleine a Jewish German writer who helped pave the path for queer women writing in the early 20th century and was heavily addicted to morphine. Her poetry, story, and impact are a great reminder to me of why I’m doing the research I do. I love my research niche so much and uncovering more and more previously erased or hidden stories is a large part of why I study it.

My goals for the upcoming week are to (hopefully) finish my draft for my publication or at the least get into my last round of edits. I also want to get an outline of info for my lit review. I think those are solid and achievable goals or at least I hope so!

[venustransiens]

Week 2: Even More Books

This week five more books arrived for me! I am still waiting on... 2? 3? more books but it’s safe to say I am basically done finding all of the books for my thesis! I don’t even want to consider the final number but I’m actually making great progress in my reading. Each day I skim through at least 1 or 2 books and seriously read in-depth when I find the relevant sections for my topic and time period. Here’s what I’ve been digging into this week:

A lot of what I’m reviewing this week are direct pieces of writing from these folks and it feels so great to analyze and complete close reads on these writings. I was familiar with almost everyone in my thesis before starting the research process last semester, but truly understanding them all feels so important. I love the research and writing work that I do and working on this just confirms that.

I am also working on a number of drafts for publishing and conferences (and my other class work) so I’m definitely busier than I originally planned but I’m enjoying all of my work thoroughly! Starting next week I’ll be working on my literature review and I’ll share some more direct research in-depth here.

“A Decade” When you came, you were like red wine and honey, And the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness. Now you are like morning bread, Smooth and pleasant. I hardly taste you at all for I know your savour, But I am completely nourished.

- Amy Lowell, written shortly before her death

[venustransiens]

Week 1: That’s... a lot of books

After getting my bearings I started right back in on my research. Since I’m aiming to get this thesis wrapped up by the end of Summer, that involved making sure I had all books for my research as soon as possible. My book count before the start of the week was: seven. However, I have placed an order for seven additional books and picked up six more books from the library. Assuming I use all of these books (and it looks like I might) I’ll be referencing or consulting at least twenty books for this thesis. My final article count is far from decided but that will probably be in the 10-20 range as well. I guess it’s a literature thesis for a reason! 

This weekend I am consulting these books here, mostly just the new ones but also the ones I have so far. I’m doing a lot of primary source reading mixed with criticism. Since so many of these archives are hidden away in other countries or just nearly impossible to view I am greatly relying on the work of scholars before me. A majority of the sapphic people I am covering for this research were those who kept diaries or wrote lots of letters, these transcriptions of the letters are very helpful!

For now, I don’t have much else to add since I’m doing so much reading and note taking! But I will end with a translated piece that I just finished reading and is something I found to be absolutely beautiful.

To Living Death I bring strange flowers to your memory, O living Death, who exists and does not exist, who rejoices and sobs outside our amour. I bring you blue orchids, the subtle and pale blues of your eyes, winter roses of a green whiteness similar to the whiteness of your flesh, and gardenias bruised by the slightest contact, gardenias similar to the morbidity of your artificial soul, which everything wounds, irritates and ruffles... I bring strange flowers to your memory, O living Death, who exists and does not exist, who rejoices and sobs outside our amour...

- Renée Vivien, translated by Brian Stableford