ventjournal

[ventjournal]

Sunday april 19th 2020

Wow i really can't keep any of my promises huh.  It's almost laughable how i thought i would ever be able to handle anything.  Even something as simple as keeping up with a journal.  Something that might honestly help me I don't know.  Anything is better than living like this.  I cry the whole time I'm awake and when I can finally sleep I'm too exhausted to even dream. This is the worst my anxiety has ever been. I can't breathe and my heart is constantly beating out of my chest.  I can hear it pounding in my head 24/7 and it wont leave me alone.  I  want to be left alone but feeling alone is killing me.  I want to die. I want to die so bad more than I want anything.  I keep thinking how much easier it would be.  There is such a big disconnect between me and everyone i care about and i don't know if i'm just imagining things or if it's real.  I'm the only commonality so it has to be me.  I'm the problem.   Sometimes when i cry i think about the bottles of pills i have, all the ones to make me sleep.  If I take too many I might not wake up. They told me not to do that but i want to sleep so bad i want to sleep forever.  If I die I won't feel guilty about it because I'll be dead.  But thinking about wanting to die all the time makes me feel bad.  If it's over then the bad feelings will go away too.  I won't have to worry if me being gone would make people sad because i'll be dead it wont be my problem anymore.  I won't have to think ever again.  I dont want to think i want my brain to shut up just shut the fuck up forever.  I had to hide the pills because I couldn't stop thinking about swallowing all of them and finally getting some rest.  No one came to check on me all day so I could do it if I wanted to and no one would notice until I was gone.  I could die.  Anyone who would actually be upset would get over it eventually.  They say it only takes 2 generations to be forgotten, it might be even less for me. I've never accomplished anything that would be worth remembering.  Everyone I love could find someone else, someone who doesn't have thoughts like mine and someone who isn't broken.  They all deserve so much better than me but i'm still here so they haven't realized that yet.  If i was dead they would.  I wonder how much different my life could be, there's no real point wondering because it's not possible but entertaining the thought for a second is nice.. Maybe in a different world I could be happy.  I should be happy.  I have friends and my brothers and an amazing partner i love so much but i'm a selfish piece of shit and i can't be happy for them.  They all deserve better than me.  I'm struggling to put on a happy face for them and they deserve someone who doesn't have to try.  It feels like everytime i find something to make me happy it's so short lived.  I can't hold onto anything I care about.  It leaves and then I have nothing.  I'm writing this to no one no one is going to read this or care but still writing it out is making me want to scream no no no no no you shouldn't do this.  God my brain wont shut the fukc up how can someone so stupid habe so many thoughts.  Its nothing of substance im an idiot but fuck just SHUT UP stop thinking stop stop no more i hate this.  I hate it so much.  I should be asleep it's 6am i just need sleep i need to sleep but instead i'm writing this.  Putting all of my shity thoughts out into the universe and for what no one cares i don't even care what i have to say.  If i don't care how can i expect anyone else to.  I already know what they would say right now “it's my job to care and i love you.”  i'm very sorry that's the case.  I love you more than you will ever know but i dont deserve any of that love back.  I'm selfish and mean I don't even want to be alive right now.  Loving me must hurt.  I'm sorry to anyone who does.  I wish I could change that. I wish I had never even existed. Everyone's life would be better for it.  I would get my wish and no one would be hurt.  I just really hope i don't wake up today when i do finally go to sleep.  I haven't been taking care of myself at all, maybe I'll die since I can't even get out of bed.  I could get a blood clot or die of malnutrition maybe maybe maybe.  I'm a coward and can't do it myself so that's my only chance.  If I died of something natural that would make people less sad right. Me being alive just wasn't meant to be they would see that.  They would see they deserve better.  All of them deserve so much better than me.  I'm a bad friend, a worse sister and a terrible girlfriend i dont deserve any of the happiness I've been given. 

[ventjournal]

Saturday April 11 2020

I started this after midnight so technically its the early morning i guess.  

I feel euphoric right now.  I haven't updated in a while because it's hard to get time to myself.  But tonight I finally did.  Not completely by myself anyway.  I spent the night with my favorite person.  I miss them so much all the time and tonight they made me feel so good.  Is this what it's like to be loved and safe with someone? I'm not used to the feeling…  I don't really want to make myself sad but i do think i need to get it off my chest.  Sex and i dont really have a good relationship mostly because it was forced on me from such a young age and i never had a choice. I didn't have control over my own life and my own body.  But with them i do, i know i'm safe and they would never hurt me like that.  I still have trouble allowing myself to feel good because it brings up lots of memories I would prefer to forget. I want to but I can't.  Tonight was different though, I was comfortable and I legitimately felt good?  We have done stuff similar to that before but today i was a lot more exposed and i loved it.  I loved it so much I am so happy.  I can't wait to be with them everyday, I forget the bad things when we are together.  Maybe I won't have to remember the bad things anymore.  Everything is so much better with them.  I hope they feel as good as i do.  I'm finally comfortable with someone, and I don't have to force myself to do something I don't want to do.  I trust them SO much, I've never trusted someone that much.  I'm just really happy.  Maybe more overcoming trauma shit later right now i'm just happy and i don't want to lose that feeling anytime soon. 

[ventjournal]

Tuesday April 7th 2020

I don't really know what to talk about right now. I just feel kind of lost.  Since all this self isolation shit has been going on i dont have a job and i feel like i don't have a drive or focus.  I need money obviously but more than that I need something to do with all my time.  I've ruined my sleep cycle, now I can't go to bed before 4:30 in the morning. Before I had to be awake at 7 to take the boys to school and at 10:30 to go to work.  And when i went to work i had to be awake, i had to be focused and i had to not be a mess.  Now there is nothing to keep me from being a human disaster.  I can't focus and I can't think. My brain feels like mush.  I keep applying to places because I need money and I need something to do but no one will get back to me.  I know we're in the middle of a global pandemic and all that but I need to get out of the house and I need a purpose again.  I got up today and cooked for my family which i haven't done in a while.  I made a chicken marinade from scratch and cooked them in a skillet to get some color before throwing them in the oven.  I made broccoli and green beans and baked potatoes.  It turned out really good so I'm happy.  I might make a habit of doing that more often so i feel like i have a purpose.  Maybe if someone needs me it will be easier. 

[ventjournal]

Tuesday April 7th 2020

It's 3:40 am now, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep but if I'm being honest I didn't think it would be that bad tonight.  Im exhausted but my brain wont shut the fuck up I made a tumblr to put all this on, it will be safer there.  I'm going to work on that tomorrow when i feel alive again.  RIght now I'm too tired.  It's 4am now, it took me 20 mins to formulate a thought.  Hehe I dont know whats wrong with me.  I need to sleep . I need to not wake up but I know that would make people sad so I can't do that. I can't. I can't snap out of it. My cat  Killua is sleeping so peacefully next to me. Why can't I be like her?  She is loved, i love her why cant i love myself like i love her.  She sleeps so calmly next to me and she trusts me.  I want to be at peace like she purrs when I touch her. I love her so much. She is so good and pure and perfect.  She's been with me her entire life and she loves me so much.  She's a good girl. I want to be like her one day.  I think i'm going to sleep now if i can.  I need to be up early to take care of my brothers. They need me too. I'm trying. I really am.  It might not seem like it because i don't do a good job but i am trying 

[ventjournal]

Tuesday April 7th 2020

It's 1:30 in the morning right now but I kept my promise a lot sooner than I thought I would.  I just finished writing a love letter and i'm really happy.  Maybe some things are worth fighting for.  Even if it's just for little moments of happiness like this.  I miss them but in this instant it hurts a little less.  I should try to sleep but I don't think I can because my brain never shuts up at night.  I want to know how i can go the whole day without a critical thought but as soon as the sun goes down the thinking cap goes on.  It's annoying but it is what it is.  I can't be mad, I don't really have it in me.  I guess i can talk about the reason i started doing this to begin with.  I was listening to a video about the disappearance of Susan Powell and in that their entire family kept very meticulous journals.  It was interesting to know exactly what they were thinking at any given time.  She kept them so her family could learn from her life and experience her wisdom.  Now i don't think i have any wisdom to share but it would be nice to look back on these when i'm in a better place and maybe one day i'll share some of my writings with the person i love most so they can get experience my thoughts as well.  Since i'm not really good with words and verbal communication, it might be easier.  I don't want to ruin the good mood im in so maybe i'll continue this in the morning.  I have plenty to talk about.  

[ventjournal]

Monday april 6th 2020

I have wanted to start journaling for a while but i'm afraid that if i do it in my notebook my stepdad would go through my room and read it like he does with all my stuff.  I'm 20 years old now and I don't feel like I've ever had any real privacy.  Not once in my life…  I guess my hope in this will be that no one will see it unless I want them to.  The only thing I don't like about doing this here is the computer keeps highlighting all my grammar mistakes and it feels like it's taunting me.  Thats probably ridiculous but i hate feeling stupid. Its happening more often recently, i used to be so confident in my intelligence but now every little thing makes me feel stupid and worthless.   At least spell check is easy.  Im laying in my bed right now and watching my cat try to eat the snake. I trust that she can't get in the tank so i'm not worried about it, i actually think it's a little funny.  Smokey trying very hard and i don't know if she thinks it's actually possible but she's trying anyway.  It's pointless but still.  I like to see them happy because even if i'm not at least i can facilitate their happiness.  Scarlett doesn't seem to mind being watched, if she did i'm sure she would go into one of her hides.  She was born and raised in captivity and has never experienced a predator so i'm really not worried she's afraid.  My stepdad comes home tomorrow and I'm kind of afraid of what that means for me.  He's mad at me right now which is fine i've been mad at him my entire life.  I just wanted to be left alone and now that I hurt his feelings or whatever I guess I got my way.  Fucking finally.  I've put up with too many years of letting him have his way and do whatever he wants.  I'm 20 years old now and I don't want him controlling every aspect of my life.  I'm allowed to be happy and I might not be right now but I want to be.  Getting away from all this is the only way that's going to happen.  If by some chance he sees this because he's snooping through my things again i woud just like to say fuck you for everything you have ever done to me.  When I was a child I didn't know that I didn't deserve to be treated that way and i didnt know it was wrong.  But I'm older now and I know better and I can't let it happen again.  I owe that to myself.  If reading that is upsetting then don't go through my stuff, it's quite simple actually.  I would like to devote some time to myself everyday to write and try to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper, or computer in this instance. But i don't know if i can actually keep that promise so i wont bother making it.  I have a lack of motivation to do anything right now.  Maintaining any relationships I have is the only thing I can manage right about now.  That and staying alive.  I'm not very good at either of those things and I'm definitely struggling.  There isn't much i can do to fix it right now but i'm going to focus on being okay.  I dont know if i am really but fuck im going to try.  I don't actually care what happens to me but I have people I can't disappoint.  People who mean more to me than I do to myself and that's going to be my motivation.  If it were up to me i would have given up by now but i cant i can't do that i have to be okay.  I need to be okay for them.  I don't really have a closing statement. I just hope I can keep this up and maybe it will help.  Who knows…