venthouse

[venthouse]

I've been having suicidal thoughts lately. I won't/can't act on them because I'm thinking of drowning myself and there isn't a clean body of water that's big enough to really drown in around here, I'd have to settle for a waterway that's stewing in 80 years of duck shit and I'm not going out like that. And honestly, I fear death, and drowning is apparently one of the most painful ways to die.

I feel like I'm never gonna be happy again, and I know that's not rational. I know happiness is more than a fleeting, hollow sensation, and I have enough time to find it again. But the sheer depths of despair I'm going through right now invalidates that. It's just me and the godawful dogshit state of affairs that my emotions are going through. I've been preaching that for a while, the difference between knowing and feeling. I'm past the point where rational thought can quell my emotions.

I'm just so hurt, so stunted, so depressed. And I don't know how to feel better except for short, violent bursts of hedonism, where the feeling doesn't last.

I just had an internal monologue where I pretended I was speaking to a counsellor, and I broke it down like this.

Before I seriously contemplated killing myself, I had a goofy catch-all routine I'd go through to put a smile on my face when I felt awkward or out of place. It's like, imagine if a caveman wanted to kill himself with a gun. I think to myself in a caveman voice "me put gun in mouth and pull trigger, and then me die" - I'm never going to shoot myself for physical, ideological and availability reasons, but going through the whole caveman routine really helps calm my nerves when I'm on edge. It's something of a mantra at this point.

Now, the reason that actually is mired in depression and a conscious desire to not be alive any more is drowning myself. And there's no funny affect or routine to it - it's a blatant statement of how I want to end my own life. I want to go to a beach, swim out as far as I possibly can, and either be taken under by a predator or wait for my strength to fail. I want to go under and drown.

And it has the same list of reasons why I wouldn't want to do it. Availability, painfulness of the death, that sort of thing. But it's not a playful affect to express a general discontent with the state of my life, a far-flung novelty I'd never consider going through with. It's just the conscious, painful scenario of me killing myself stemming from a genuine desire to die.

And the thing is that even if I had the availability to make this a reality, I don't think I'd ever act on it consciously. Like I wouldn't drive all the way to a beach to drown myself. It'd be a call of the void type situation.

I know that there are people in my life who care about me and love me, and if I died there'd be dozens of people who'd say nice things about me and miss me and feel grief and all that.

The issue is that there isn't anyone in my life who I'm comfortable enough around or who I trust who could save me from that call of the void.

Rationally, I know there are people who care. Emotionally, I have no-one to turn to.

And that's why I need counselling.

[venthouse]

I am Despondent

[venthouse]

I am in an incredible amount of emotional pain right now, and I don't have the privilege of having someone to go through it with

[venthouse]

Sometimes I really want to act out this fantasy where I put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. When I'm going through something I'm always like "I want to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger". In that fantasy it's obv. to die, but it's an exaggeration - I don't really want to die. But fuck, sometimes I do want to fucking waste myself to get away from the shit I out myself through. Like holy fuck.

[venthouse]

I hope I drown in my own spit while I sleep

[venthouse]

I've been thinking about drowning myself a lot lately. Like for some reason or another I'm at the beach with my friends, and I get in the water, and I just swim out as far as I can go. I swim until I can't see the beach, I swim until I'm confident I won't be saved. And I float on the surface of the water until my strength gives out, or until I'm attacked by a predator and dragged into the ocean.

[venthouse]

Why am I even alive?

I don't have a job, so I'm doing nothing all day. I have a people-pleaser attitude, but I also crave attention, and I keep slipping into parasocial relationships with people and come off as a crazy person.

I've lost so many online friends over the years, and I feel like I'm on the verge of pushing away my real life friends next. Every year, life gets worse and I stay the same - insecure, self-sabotaging, manic-depressive. And it never gets better because I barely even try to get better.

I feel like all I do is hurt and alienate people. I don't contribute anything to anyone, in fact I spend my entire life taking from others. I take food, money and resources to be kept alive, and I don't give any of it back. I'm a drain.

I don't deserve to be alive at 25, I should have died a long time ago to prevent the waste I create. I should not be alive.

[venthouse]

I don't think I like my best friend of 8 years any more.

He's been super generous with me, both in the past and to this day. When my mother needed a laptop, he and his family let her have one of theirs. He covers dinner for me some nights, which I try to get back to him as soon as possible. He's given me stuff for years, and I know most of my social circle through him. I owe him a lot, for taking a chance on me in high school when I needed it.

But lately I've just felt so sick of him. He has a very brash personality, which was great when I was content to just slip through the cracks and be in the background of everything - even today I still feel kinda like that. But his language and behavior come off as aggressive sometimes, I can never get a word in when I'm hanging out with him in a larger group, he gets very hyperactive sometimes and just start singing songs at the top of his voice for no reason and he'll play these fucking head games with his mum where he pretends to get mad at her until she leaves him alone. His whole thing at home is to fuck with his family's emotions for fun.

Something that happened recently is that I was building myself up for a job interview. Applications open near the end of July, so I want to get my shit together. He sends me this ad for our local McDonald's - at which I had a fucking terrible interview a couple years ago that still haunts me to this day, when the guy interviewing me had to stand up and start serving people. Realistically, I need a job, so the help should be appreciated - but I have my eyes set on Bunnings, this national hardware chain that's about to open a massive store in my town.

The next time I see him, the topic comes up. And he makes some points I don't disagree with - start at McDonalds, interview for Bunnings, quit McDonalds if I get the Bunnings job. Okay - I'm feeling averse to McDonalds because of my prior experience and because my heart is set on Bunnings, but I understand that he's a friend just trying to help me out. I'm being stubborn here, and he's trying to help me.

But then he starts talking McDonalds up over Bunnings. Saying that McDonalds would be a better place to work at, talking about two of our high school friends who would go to work high during university and that it reflected badly on Bunnings that they were able to get away with that, and by saying that since I would be older than most of the people at McDonalds I would be eligible for management sooner than anyone else.

First of all, McDonalds is a high pressure kitchen environment, and I'm always tripping over my own feet. I think the pressure would get to me, and I don't think I can do that job. Bunnings is a retail store - not a walk in the park, but somewhere I think I would thrive in. I can get a passion for lumber and power tools and shit, and I can adjust until I'm great at that job - McDonalds seems like it would quicken my descent into alcoholism. It's a hard, stressful role that I interviewed for in the past and bombed at, which has left me with some baggage, and while I appreciate my friend's good intentions, I disagree that it would be a better place to work than Bunnings. To just say that like it's a fact felt kind of demeaning, like how could I ever think otherwise.

The second part - not my problem. Some stoner dipshits did a stoner dipshit thing in a university town. I don't think that reflects on the business, especially this new store that's about to open and staff dozens of people at once, and honestly - like McDonalds has never staffed druggy burnouts before. This shouldn't define whether someone gets a job there or not. The implication that McDonalds is a career starter while Bunnings is a dead end career felt especially pointed, and I really began to disagree with his larger point.

That last part I really doubt, just because I'm older doesn't mean they'll consider me for management over some younger kid who's worked there longer. It's at this point that I stop him, and I ask him why McDonalds suits me better than Bunnings. The resulting conversation involved him telling me I felt like I was "too good" for McDonalds. I understand it could have been an instance of tough love, but the way he was putting down the job I was building myself up to in order to frame his option as the better one just didn't sit well with me.

This is the first time in ages I've actively challenged something he's said. I don't always agree with him, and I make my own pithy comments from time to time, but for me to go "I don't agree with what you're saying, and I don't understand why you think this would be better than that" is fairly rare. I try to take everything in good faith and be open minded, but I outright disagreed with him here and it resulted in him trying to undercut my thing - a huge hardware store the size of a warehouse that's about to hire dozens of people at once - in favor of a MCDONALDS that has ALREADY REJECTED ME. I feel better applying for Bunnings, because it's a clean slate in every regard, but apparently that just makes me look stuck up.

Something that's a little more recent:

I've been talking to this girl. She lives in Canberra, which is a couple hours away, and she was back in town for the week. I have a good reason to believe we have a mutual interest in each other, but this week has been a fucking rollercoaster. She's been sick, so she cancelled on lunch twice before getting back to me later to try and make new plans, and of the two days I saw her around, I was too nervous to say anything of note. We messaged and snapchatted, including a talk about ghosts and religion at 2am, and I think we got along fine. This week didn't go as well as I was hoping, but circumstances were bad. Even now I'm pretty bummed out, but I got to say some stuff and have a conversation over text while she was here. I think I did the best that I could, given the circumstances, and under the same circumstances I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm walking home from another friend's place last night with my best friend. He asks me how I felt about the week and how I feel about this girl.

I have this thing where I'm afraid I'm not going to be understood. It's not like "this person's an idiot", it's "I'm going to slur my words or use the wrong turn of phrase like an idiot and they won't know what I'm saying". So I speak in the driest tone I can, and I use technical language to try and give the most accurate statement as I can. I also think in more technical language, so when I get kinda fancy with my words, it's because I've thought particularly hard about what I want to say.

So I start talking about like how circumstances and shit have been bad, so I've closed the lid on this for now. She's been sick, she's travelling home in the morning, I got to see her that night - that's it. That was her visit, and I made the most of it, and even if things didn't go as well as I wanted I was just happy to see her because I like her on a basic human level.

My friend has two things to say.

1: I'm speaking like a robot. He says this multiple times as I try to explain how I feel about her and how things went this week. He interrupts me multiple times to tell me I sound like a robot, and he wants me to speak more naturally. I do not know how to do this, since I'm just speaking my mind.

2: I should message her right there and then asking her if she wants to come and play Rock Band with us. If she doesn't want to, she'll say so. If she does, she'll say so. Either way I have a definitive answer.

Here are my issues.

First of all - the reason I "speak like a robot", on top of trying to make everything as concrete and definitive as I possibly can, to make sure everything is being conveyed properly, is because I've been thinking hard about my feelings on the subject. And those words are what I came up with. It hurts to hear him interrupt me multiple times to tell me I sound like a robot.

Secondly, and more importantly - I don't want to pursue her in that hardcore sort of way. She has a life two hours away, and whether we hook up or not, I enjoy her company and I want her to feel good. I'm interested in her, but I'm not going to bother her in the middle of the night to play Rock Band. This isn't "I need to know if you like me or not" - this is "I'm thinking of you, I want you to know that people care about you and appreciate you, and I hope on some level this attention will make you happy". I don't need to have a romantic or sexual relationship with her to like being around her - and I DON'T WANT TO PUSH THINGS TOO HARD. I HAVE MADE THAT MISTAKE, AND I DON'T WANT TO REPEAT IT.

I'm not trying to smash - I just really like being around this girl, and I want to be an adult about this instead of fucking myself in the ass and ruining a perfect good friendship.

Also, she's been sick and she leaves town in the morning. I'm not going to keep her awake past midnight to play head games with her. I'll see her next time - that's fine.

It's at this point I find out he's been snapchatting her to come up - "for my benefit", as he puts it. And he starts pushing me to put it all on the line and get a yes or no answer.

I didn't do it. I did make a goofy Snapchat to put on my story, because the night before we had a 2 hour conversation about ghosts and religion and stuff from a video on my snapchat story, and she saw it and didn't respond. That's good enough for me. She wasn't interested. I feel like my friend's attitude was just really aggressive.

I want to move forward as a person, but I don't like how he treats other people and I don't like how he treats me. I don't like how he behaves. I don't like when I say I want some time to myself, he says I have all the time to myself because I don't have a job, like I'm obligated to spend time with him on his terms.

He's been good to me, he's given me stuff, he's been a good friend to me and others. But it's getting to the point that the bad is outweighing the good. He insults me, he says things specifically to make me uncomfortable, he makes me the butt of the joke a lot. I don't feel good about myself when I'm around him. I feel like I owe him, but if the rest of my life is spent in this relationship, I'm going to drink until the teeth rot out of my skull. I want to have a healthier relationship with him, but frankly I'm beginning to resent him and I don't think he understands me or the person I want to be.

And if I open up to him, that just makes me a bigger target. And of course it'll become gossip, and he'll goad me into telling everyone else or just talking about it because he wants to. He takes this sick interest in shit, and he won't let it die until he's satisfied with it. He was so amazed by my stretch marks that on multiple occasions where my shirt has ridden up, he's like told me to pull up my shirt so he can gawk at them. It's not like a gay attraction thing either, he's doing it because my stretch marks are just such a weird thing to him.

So yeah. I think I hate my best friend.

[venthouse]

After like... a year? maybe more? I'm back with a huge overreaction and meltdown that may or may not be resolved by a good night's sleep and maybe some social media avoidance.

I've been following a blog for a few months now, I really dig their content and I leave replies and occasionally reblog with comments. They reblog other people's contributions and snapshot replies, because they're an open, snarky blog. I've been worrying that I'm looking like a creepy reply guy lately - I want to leave dumb jokey replies, but I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome, if that makes any sense?

So last night before I went to sleep I sent this message that was all like "your blog is neato!" where I also mention that I leave replies because I'm too shy to reblog? I feel like it was too much information and it's just a weird fucking thing to say, so when I wake up I start worrying and feeling super gross. Something to keep in mind is that I was drunk when I sent the initial ask, which on its own is bad enough, but the first ask was probably fine. It's what happens next that sent me spiralling.

I send three more asks to explain, rationalise and dissect my initial ask to them, like a fucking psychopath. Three asks of being like "I feel shitty for hiding behind this buttery uwu shit as a shield instead of just being a real person saying what I mean, I think you're cool and I was wondering if we could be friends or something, I now realise that I've dug myself an incredible hole I'm never going to escape from so I'm gonna stop typing". Including my drunk ask - which was probably innocuous enough - I sent this woman four asks. And now I feel like I'm coming across as a batshit crazy lunatic and a creep. I wouldn't blame her at all for just being the most skeezed out person about these asks. I feel so fucking bad.

I've spent all day wallowing in bed because I like following this person's blog. They're just really funny and chill, just a good vibe all around. That's why I wanted to be friends to begin with. And now I feel like I should unfollow because of this. I fully understand this is my overactive imagination at play, the whole fucking thing, but I just feel so shitty, like I put this person in an awkward position. It's like, how can I go back to leaving goofy replies and reblogging stuff now? I'm the four asks guy. I feel like I acted like a fucking psycho by sending three back-to-back asks freaking out over one perfectly fine, chill message I sent last night. I had good intentions, I wanted to be real and try and make a friend, but I did it in the craziest way possible. I poisoned the well here. I freaked the fuck out and acted like my bizarre shitty self, and now I've poisoned the well.

I usually feel better after a shower, but not this time. I wanted to hit my head on the wall, but the walls are too thin and it makes too much noise. I'm calming down now, but for a good few minutes, I was looking for that blunt pain.

The worst part about this whole shitshow is that I'm the one spiralling this shit into an absolute fucking mess. I sent the messages, I felt shameful and gross after mass-sending a bunch of rambly asks in a row, and this entire day of wallowing in my own awful feelings is me stewing in my own insecurities. No input from the other person, which is fine - I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. I'm trapped in a cage I built for myself. I'm sitting here wondering why I'm such a shitty, awkward person, why I thought this was a good idea. It's all self-hatred directed at myself. And the fact that I'm being this crazy about it only serves to make this entire thing weird.

Maybe the four asks are weird on their own - scratch that, I think they are weird on their own. But this scenario is only THIS weird because I'm making it this weird. I'm self-destructing over an earnest attempt to reach out and be friends with someone, and the backlash against myself only goes to show that I am this shitty creepy weirdo I've built myself up to be. I feel fucking desolate. Any positive manic energy I've been riding on is gone. I've knocked myself down a peg, and that's where I'm gonna stay. It's been ages since I felt this bad, this is a massive low.

[venthouse]

I guess this is the sort of blog I update every so often just to throw in some perspective, maybe track my growth as a person or something.

Right now, as in this moment? I feel pretty bad. I’m tired, I can physically fall asleep, but I don’t feel content. So I thought I’d pay a visit to this blog and get some heavy shit out of my system.

First of all, my mum’s alcoholic partner. They’ve been together for 8 years, and he’s still a loud, emotionally unstable alcoholic. He doesn’t like me because I don’t do a ton of chores, which I could understand and respect if he wasn’t a raging cunt about it. Sorry about the curse, but I fucking can’t deal with this dude. He yells and rants in the back room about me, he got so bold as to call me a mummy’s boy and get mad at my mum for always defending me tonight. Not to me, mind you, just saying it out loud and to my mum as he walked around loudly like an asshole.

I’ve been doing stuff at a cinema since January; it’s April now. I’ve been learning a lot, but I’m not a great worker still. I get the order of certain tasks mixed up, sometimes I neglect duties out of forgetfulness and I work slowly. Just today I think the main admin person started getting to the end of her rope, because two other workers have been neglecting their shifts and me not working at a decent capacity has helped to aggravate the situation more. Their complaints are fair and valid, I’ve had like four months to get a handle on this and I still find it hard to keep up with - mentally and physically. I try my best, and I like to think that I do okay sometimes, at least better than I think sometimes. But other days I just fucking fail. I took way too long today and felt awful - I’ve been keeping away from fatty/overly decadent food and drinks lately, but I got home, ate a ton of chocolate and drank a 1.5 litre bottle of iced tea.

I feel like if I can’t make decent personal progress at this cinema, that doesn’t even pay me, then maybe I’m beyond employable. If I got a job at a retail place, I’d get chewed up and spit out and just fucking fail. I kind of resent working at the cinema, because every day is another reminder that I suck. I’m bad at ushering, I’m a slow mopper (though I’m thorough), and I get weird around people and apologize a lot - if I was getting paid for this, I’d be fired by now. I would have been fucking crucified by now.

I started to move away from social justice stuff a while ago now, because the constant guilt, endless obituaries and rebloggable fluff posts just kinda fucked me up. Since stepping away, I’ve started to feel a little anti-PC. I’ll see a show like Review, about a guy who reviews dangerous and messed up acts in his life and rate them out of five stars, like a movie critic, and when it gets super uncomfortable (the man divorcing his wife for the sake of a show segment, smuggling drugs to demonstrate risk), I kinda strawman a “PC” thing in my head like “There are people who would hate this and campaign to take it off of TV” and get a bit self-righteous. I don’t know where the fuck I am right now. Politically I’m a left-leaning moderate, I guess? I mean fuck Trump, what a crock - even if Hillary wasn’t a great choice either, Trump is a fucking joke. Aside from that, I don’t have anything. I feel like I’ve regressed. I don’t know what I want in life, or how I should think of things. I’ve always thought in a way of framing things through a separate lens, which is why I get pissy about TV shows I like sometimes - there’s always something that makes me think “you shouldn’t be enjoying this”, and I project that onto people and perceived movements. But aside from that, I don’t fucking know.

I actually did have a happy moment recently, I took a trip to Sydney to see a band play. I went for four days, by myself, and I had a blast. I was in vacation mode for a few days, but a few days on the drink and generally settling back into my sedentary, mediocre lifestyle brought me back into the same apathetic mold that I’ve been stuck in for the last five years. I want to say I’d feel better if I had some time with no-one in the house, but my mum’s partner is always at home being a shit lord and he had a friend of his move in. I feel stifled and trapped. That’s why I’m so apathetic, I’d rather rot in mediocrity and filth than have to confront that alcoholic bum on anything. I hate him so much. I hate my life here, and I’ve wanted to just fly away since he started living here. But I have shackles keeping me here, whether they be shackles I can appreciate like friends or shackles that make me want to jump into a river and drown, taking them with me.

That’s about it for now. Hopefully it’ll be a few years before I have to come back.

[venthouse]

It's been a while since I posted here. Things are better, but similar. Still unemployed. Still dateless, and crushless for that matter. Still miss feeling love for other people, but after reading through this blog I've put my current situation in perspective. I'm doing pretty okay. Maybe I'm feeling at my best for the first time in ages. I'm 20 now, 21 in a few months. I recently ran into my online crush, who found a boyfriend - and while I felt a bit isolated because I somehow missed the news through the grapevine and haven't been seeing her a whole lot, I'm not crushing on her or any of that garbage. I hope she's having a good time. Real life crush I haven't seen in a while, but I prefer it that way. My friend never really liked her so that gives me an out if the possibility of seeing her comes up. Again, I'm a shy anti social mute who can't look her in the eye any more, and I associate my feelings for her with feelings of selfishness and general angst. Online friend, the one I kinda flipped out at by accident over a possible crush and made things awkward? They left Tumblr years ago, but I still see them on facebook. He's doing well, I swapped links with him recently about seals being noisy crybabies, it was great. But I don't talk to them as often as I'd like. I got really into mass effect lately. I'm well aware that becoming attracted to fictional characters is a trap that stunts social growth and is preyed upon by certain disreputable game designers, but I knew you could romance aliens and I chose to romance Tali. She's dorky, she has this cool helmet and she's just generally one of my favorite crew members. And romancing her in the second game is some of the cleanest, most uplifting interaction with - for lack of a better term - a person I've had in so long. I've been hyper ever since. I resurrected a fanfic that was 8 months old because my feelings for this character sent me through the roof. I'm calming down now though, I like to think I'm not being weird about it, but obviously I am if I'm paying this much attention to a fictional character and what they make me feel. And I think I've wanted to die less lately. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments, but recently I've felt like being alive more so than being dead. I was having great, vivid dreams until recently, and I've had so much energy lately. I decided to read through this blog just to see where I've been at over the years. I needed the catharsis. This is just an update to say that at this point in time, I feel pretty okay. Not nearly as edgy as I used to be, still sad and self-loathing, but I feel okay. As long as I live, I will need this blog to turn to. I'm very emotional and I need the space to rant and rave away from anyone who might be affected. But right now? I feel alright. Good talk.

[venthouse]

I had a dream about my real-life crush just now. It's the first time in months that I've thought of her in a romantic context. I think the idea is that a bunch of people I know or have known lived in this big block of houses in the middle of nowhere. But there was also the guy who plays Jay in Kevin Smith's movies, Jason Mewes? And Adam West made an appearence. But all that's irrelevant. The part with my irl crush was a bit odd. Having liked her in the past, you would think that I'd have put her on a pedestal and wanted to be with her in the dream. But what happened is that she said that she liked me, and when I wasn't having blood thrown up onto me or trying to find Adam West, I was looking for my friends so I could run the situation by them and figure out what to do. I've spent so long trying to put her out of my head. And then this shit happens. I think it ties into an incident I had this last weekend, where a girl invited me to a party and I stood there like a fucking chump because I thought it was a joke, and I was waiting for someone to jump in. I think that incident and my own indecision and need for advice in my dream just now are trying to tell me to sack up and make my own decisions instead of relying on others.

[venthouse]

When I started this blog as a way to vent my shitty feelings and self-hate about my crushes, I thought I’d feel god-awful and trapped forever. I still feel a bit off about one of my crushes, who I’d just like to forget that I ever developed feelings for (because it was never going to happen), but I haven’t been attracted to anyone in months. Like a significant amount of months, to the point where I miss the feeling of being in love.

I’ll never miss the misery of being stuck in a shitty state of being where I need someone’s atttention to survive, but there’s something missing now that I have nothing to focus my affection on. Like it’s shitty to want someone to obsess over and want to be with (the obsess part is definitely garbage), especially after the grief that I put myself through with my other crushes, but I still miss the feeling of having someone light up my life.

[venthouse]

I keep shouting into the abyss that is tumblr. Aside from some likes and reblogs, which are awesome, no one answers. I want to find more online friends with similar interests to me. But it's honestly just as hard to do as making real life friends.

[venthouse]

Sometimes when I feel lonely, I open up Skype and see if anyone’s sent me any messages.

[venthouse]

More repressed feelings, this time courtesy of online-crush. Y’know, the American friend I got major feelings for due to a close friendship that developed.

I’m pretty sure that I haven’t elaborated entirely on the whole jealousy thing, and I just set up my PS3 so I don’t want to waste much time talking about it, but I will say this: my affection didn’t disappear so much as repress itself, and something just happened to bring it all back up - but it’s not affection anymore, it’s poison. Nothing but ugly feelings.

[venthouse]

I just had some vivid feelings about my former/maybe-not-so-former irl crush.

A lot of feelings are attached to her. There's a lot of jealousy, due to my crush on her. There's a lot of anger, because I'm the one who provided my fuckup of a friend the condom that lost his and her virginities, which makes me feel responsible for said fuckup's total avoidance and neglect of her after the deed.

But it's mostly self-loathing. Because I'm so caught up in once wanting to be romantic with her when I could have a kickass friend who's always around when I need her. Because I was that catalyst that I feel managed to unearth my other friend's fuckboy traits, which he promptly used on her when he got what he wanted. I feel disgusting for being attracted to this wonderful person and pining after her, when I could have a good friend instead of an unrequited crush.

I'm so fucked up over this girl that I doubt I can even be her friend. How messed up is that?

Am I as bad as people who believe in the friendzone? Someone who can't draw an appropriate line between friendship and romance?