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[ventbyellzz]

AGHHH MY FIRST ONE HUNDRED ON PHYSICS QUIZ AFTER GETTING STRAIGHT 80'S FOR A WHILEE!! AHAHA I CAN SEE MYSELF MOVING ON FROM THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN!! YAY!! 🤩🤩

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Let me cry. I'm so fucked up, I just want to stay in bed all day and never get out. This world is just too cruel for me to face. I don't have the mental capacity to face it.

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Yesterday, I cried after forcing myself to go on a 40 minute home-pilates session from YouTube. Ended up stopping at minute 24, because I was facing a great breakdown, and my tears are staining my face. Went to take a shower, cover it up, and pretend like nothing happened. You know what? I'll just sign up for the gym membership next month and use strength training as my new coping mechanism and to numb the pain I've been feeling since I stopped dieting.

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Great. Now I'm realizing that after I'm fully habituated to oreo sundae, I begin to turn to oatmeal and yogurt. I hope I'll be fully habituated to lots of my off-limits food soon.

[ventbyellzz]

Wow. I started intuitive eating almost 2 months ago, hoping that it will not take that much time. Now I realized it's the opposite. You gotta face the emotional eating state, bingeing state, basically everything that contradicts the diet rules that you've made. You know what? I'll just finish that last cup of oreo sundae and I'll wait for another few days to just binge it again. And then, repeat. I wonder how long this will take until I'm fully habituated to the food and be free just like the way it used to be.

[ventbyellzz]

I swear, everyone hurts you at the end of the day. From now on, this will be my only safe space (and you guys too!) to vent and share lots of thoughts. Stay safe and be happy y'all!

[ventbyellzz]

The reason why I hated talking to my dad: He'll just try to find my mistakes (especially my test grades). For example, right at the moment. He straight up scold me after I ask a question that relates to the exam topic. I was already trying my best and faced a harsh mental state and gastritis flare-up during my exam prep ;(

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Trying to do food habituation when you came from a mid-class family is insane.

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From ed, low self-esteem, intrusive thoughts, to jealousy. Honestly, what kind of a mental breakdown is this?

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Reposting my WhatsApp story.

Now I realized my toxic trait: eating trigger foods even though I was sick (which can cause the illness to get worse) 💀💀🤡🤡

[ventbyellzz]

They were right (#1)

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

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I avoided the mirror because I was feeling so ugly. Seriously, I can't even look at my own reflection. I gained weight, and I look the ugliest ever.

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Fulfilling my shop wishlists by watching unboxing videos ;)

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All I wanted at the moment is sleep.

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How bad (#2)

"Uhm, sweetie. Your friends are all active, girls and boys all get along. Don't you wanna be like them?"

LET THEM BE. I AM NOT THEM, MOM.

[ventbyellzz]

How bad? (#1)

1. Sick (Gastritis, sore throat, nausea, etc.)

2. Resting at the school's nurse room

3. Gotta use the school's restroom (horrible.)

4. Ocd (it flares up since my disordered eating recovery)

5. Not being able to enjoy my favorite foods (f**k you gastritis)

6. Not being able to go to school without thinking about my illness

7. Low self-esteem

8. Insecure

9. "Can I just ☆ve myself?!"

10. "Eat less. You're going to sign for a gym membership this month."

11. "How weak, you can't even hold the pain in?"

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I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable with the school system right now. I wish I was homeschooled since the start. I wanna be able to explore my creativities, not being told by my parents to become a 'straight A' student anymore.