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vendiangelo · 6 months ago

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🎃🐈‍⬛Cat Burglar

Halloween shenanigans with minor Garreth/F!Reader [T-Rated, 3k words]

“What the hell are you wearing?” “What?” said Garreth. “It’s a pumpkin costume.” “You’re taking a girl, you knobhead! You’re meant to dress sexy! Like me!” Tight trousers, a long, leather coat, and the criss-cross of belts over his bare chest… “You’re barely dressed!” “Exactly!"

A/N: This was written for @garrethweasleyfest! My prompts were Garreth POV on a major holiday, Garreth gives MC a new potion with some unintended side effects, and Modern AU coffee shop, and because I like chaos I decided to (loosely) mush all three, resulting in the most crack thing I’ve ever written.

Very grateful to contribute to the Garreth fandom in whatever small way I can. Special thanks to cuff and Elli for organising the fest. Make sure to support all the other amazing Garreth content using the hashtags #GarrethWeasleyFest and #GarrethWeasleyFest2024! And, as always, please enjoy <3

[read on AO3]

Officer Ruth Singer sinks into the chair opposite with a sigh.

“All right, Mr Weasley, let’s cut to the chase. Where’s the Ferrari you stole?”

To be quite frank, Garreth’s not entirely sure how he got here. He’s not sure why he’s wearing half a pumpkin costume and cinching-on-his-private-area orange tights. Hell, he barely knows what a Ferrari is (just that it’s expensive. And bad to steal).

He does know, however, that he did not do it.

“I know it looks bad, ma’am,” he says, trying to raise his hands – they’re handcuffed to the desk with less wiggle room than a finger up an arse. “But I’m innocent. You’ve nabbed the wrong man.”

Officer Singer has a round, childlike face, but in all her riot gear she looks barely contained in the tiny interrogation room. One swoop of her glower almost makes his orange tights brown.

“Look, kid, you were clearly out for Halloween. Want to look cool for your mates and fancied yourself a new ride, doing doughnuts or whatever.”

“I don’t need to steal anything to have a doughnut! Please, Officer Singer. I know I’m innocent. In fact, I was framed.” The detail comes back to him sharply. “And I can tell you what happened.”

Sort of. He’ll remember the specifics along the way. Hopefully.

Singer gestures vaguely. “Go on, then. Let's hear it.”

Garreth sits up.

“It all started three weeks ago…”

“Froth the milk, Weasley.”

Froth the milk. Right. Garreth turned to the countertop he’d wiped clean of droplets two seconds ago. The monstrosity taking up most of its surface was supposedly called a masheen, a big metal box with loads of buttons and a pipe stuck out the middle. He’d been working at Aesip’s Coffee House for a while now, but this contraption was so complicated he hadn’t got the hang of it yet.

“Yes, Mr Sharp.” He grabbed a carton of milk from the cool box and poured it into a jug, which he stuck under the masheen and whispered, “Heatus Upus… Ventus Milkus… Incendio? Work with me, please.”

“You have to steam the milk.”

He turned sharply. You were about his age and wickedly pretty, wearing form-fitting clothes under a long, black coat, and leather gloves accentuating the slender bones of your fingers. You nodded to the jug, brow sloped in quiet exasperation.

“Put the steam wand in.”

“Wand?” he said. Then he remembered the long pipe. “Oh, right, that thing.”

“Now pull the leaver. That activates the steam.”

You were right; the milk frothed nicely. Even Sharp seemed mildly impressed Garreth managed not to explode anything, when he took the jug with a raised brow.

“I will brew you the best drink as thanks,” Garreth said to you, when Sharp was gone.

“Just a black coffee is fine.”

“Takeaway?” You nodded. “And does my illustrious saviour have a name? To write on the cup, of course.” He winked.

You pursed your lips. “Prim will do.”

Prim. Oh, he liked that.

It became a routine. Every day you came in and ordered the same thing. He’d chat and flirt, you’d giggle and smile. Sometimes your visits coincided with that of Sebastian Sallow’s, Garreth’s annoyingly handsome, annoyingly charming, and annoyingly annoying acquaintance who through full fault of his own made Garreth look bad – but you hid when he was close, gaze flickering to Garreth under low-lidded eyes. Obviously his humour, good looks and handsome fit in Aesip’s green apron was enough to win you over.

“Hello, Garreth!” piped a voice from behind the counter. “Can I order a cappuccino?”

October cold had webbed the coffee house windows with frost. Garreth rolled his shoulders. The girl was vaguely recognisable, with glasses and pigtails. What was her name? Something stupid, like Gabble.

“‘Course! Anything el—?”

“Made ristretto with half soy and half oat milk and three pumps of caramel and half hazelnut, extra chocolate drizzle, crumb topping and whipped cream in a large cup and no water. Oh, and a slice of strawberry cake. Thanks!”

Garreth frantically scribbled it down as Gabble-Maybe skipped off to find a table. Merlin’s nipsicles, how the hell does anyone talk that fast? He went to grab the milk. Did she want almond? Or chocolate?

“Do you need help?”

Your voice made him jump. You were good at that, appearing silently. “Yes, please?”

You recited everything again, slower, and he wrote it down. “You have a great memory, Prim.”

You shrugged. “Practice.”

“Don’t be modest, you’re saving my arse. Thank you.” He scoured the cool box for soy milk. “Although, just saying, if I had my wand I wouldn’t need to do it by hand.”

“What?”

He blinked, not really sure why he said that. “Sorry. Usual?”

“Yes, please,” you said with a cute smile. “Although I was thinking… maybe adding a syrup?”

“Whoa, flying the broom away, aren’t we?” He winked. “What flavour?”

“Surprise me.”

As he concocted the drink, chatting merrily away and discreetly adding a gloop of pumpkin spice, the doorbell tingled. Sebastian strode inside in a loose shirt and pressed trousers, and a peacoat made of some expensive wool. Oh joy.

Garreth slid the drink to you, and your cute smile widened. “Thank you, and, erm… I… I wondered…” You glanced at Sebastian intensely power-walking towards him, and quickly mumbled, “Never mind,” before rushing to the nearest table to avoid getting trampled.

A second later, Sebastian slapped down some gold rectangle and proclaimed, “Coffee as black as my soul, Weasley. Make it fast. I have better things to do.”

Most days Garreth had no idea if he was joking. His sense of humour was so warped Garreth couldn’t tell anymore.

“Latte with cream then?”

“I’m in a good mood so I’m going to ignore that.” Sebastian plucked a key ring from a pocket and twirled it around. “The stock deal went through. Decided to treat myself. Don’t be jealous.”

“What the hell is that? A lighter?”

“It’s a fob,” he declared, “for my Ferrari.”

Holy shit! Garreth thought. What the hell is a Ferrari!

“If you’re nice I might let you look at it. From a safe distance. Behind a window.” Sebastian stuffed the fob into his coat pocket. “Oh, yeah, and Leander’s party tonight, turns out Missy is going, so I guess I’ll deign to go as well.” He fixed him a sharp look. “You are going, right?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“Good. You can hold my drinks. And a date?”

“It’s Halloween, thirty-first, mate.”

“No, you turd, are you bringing anyone?”

“Oh.” No, and he wasn’t likely to either. Everyone he knew was already going: Natty, Cress, Amit and Everett, Adelaide, Ominis and Imelda. He poured a black coffee and slid it over. “It’s not necessary, right?”

Sebastian took it with a roll of his eyes. “God, Weasley, why do I hang out with you?”

“Bothering me at work isn’t hanging out.”

“Do you think I want to go to Leander’s place? I’m only going because Missy is. Just find a date so you don’t look like the only loser.”

“You don’t have a date either!” Garreth yelled, but Sebastian was already halfway out the door. Merlin’s chapped lips. The bloke would be decent, really, if not for the ego bigger than a planet.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Garreth…”

He jumped. You had magically reappeared again, avoiding eye contact but batting those lovely, luscious eyelashes.

“Could I trouble you for a napkin?”

“Yes! Of course!” He grabbed a wodge. “Here you go.”

“Thank you, and the coffee is really delicious.” You looked down at your gloves. “I really appreciate you making it for me.”

“You’re welcome.” His heart did a little triple-twist somersault. “Happy to help broaden your taste buds.”

You gave him another small, cute smile, which made his cheeks warm, before retreating again to leave—

Just find a date. Sebastian’s words decked him in the face. Holy moly. He was staring at the solution.

Like a drunk shotput, he flung himself out from behind the counter, narrowly missing Mrs Hecat taking her mint tea, and hurried after you.

“Wait, Prim—” he squeaked before you stepped out, then coughed out in his very deep, manly voice, “Er, ahem, wait, Prim.”

Your face brightened. “Is something wrong?”

“D’you want to go to a Halloween party tonight?” It popped out like a stealth fart. Merlin’s uvula! “I mean. Would you— maybe, if you want— but no pressure—”

“Yes!” you blurted. “Yes, that would be lovely.”

Quickly you scribbled a string of numbers onto some paper and tucked it into his pocket. What the hell is that? some inner voice piped, but then he realised you were so close he could smell the pumpkin spice on your breath, so you could’ve given him a used tissue for all he cared.

“Send me the details?” you whispered sensually.

“Yeah, already sending. I mean, I will. Send. The details.”

You gave him a cute wave on the way out, and once you were out of view, Garreth did a little dance.

“Don’t quit your day job,” muttered Hecat, rolling her eyes.

With Sebastian’s help, and some sort of portable communication device called a foan, Garreth found himself waiting outside the café five hours later when a sleek, green mechanical carriage roared around the corner and stopped abruptly at the pavement’s side. Sebastian rolled the window down – and his jaw snapped upwards with an almighty clack.

“What the hell are you wearing?”

“What?” said Garreth. “It’s a pumpkin costume.”

“You’re taking a girl, you knobhead! You’re meant to dress sexy! Like me!”

Tight trousers, a long, leather coat, and the criss-cross of belts over his bare chest…

“You’re barely dressed!”

“Exactly! Jesus, just get in.”

Garreth reluctantly slid into the passenger’s side. The carriage was so strange, with an angled front-facing window overlooking the road, plush, leather seats and a wheel that steered itself – allowing Sebastian the chance to snatch Garreth’s pumpkin hat and chuck it out the side. They were going so fast it practically vanished.

“Who’s this girl you’ve invited anyway? Is she fit?”

“I can’t comment on a woman’s weight,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “But she’s a customer. Cute.”

Sebastian hummed. “I’m impressed. Didn’t know you had game, Weasley.”

“I get my meat from the butchers, but thanks?”

Leander’s house was a giant three-storey mansion in the countryside, fed light down the driveway by a string of torches and a collection of dancing skeletons. Sebastian tossed the mechanical carriage into an awkward spot in the middle of the front courtyard.

In the darkness, the shape of you was palpable. With a shiny black one-piece that moulded perfectly to your curves and chest, and a pair of cute ears and eyeliner-drawn whiskers, Garreth’s brain became instant mush. You were… dressed like a cat. An attractive cat.

“I like your costume,” you said to him, once you met on the front steps. “Do I look okay?”

“Errrrr,” he stammered out. “Girl… yes… girl hot— I mean, girl thot— I mean— shit—”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Christ, Weasley. Let’s go in.”

The party was already booming. Rock music was blasting from open parlour, and mood lighting was creating a coalescent effect of red, blue and green marbling on the walls. Bodies were squished together and dancing. The host himself was front and centre, in only a sailor’s hat and a pair of skimpy shorts, getting drunk with Natty and Cress as a succubus and a nun who’d clearly lost the way.

Dragon dung, I really did miss the memo on costumes! Ugh, and his tights were so uncomfortable, too!

Sebastian peeled off his coat and chucked it at Garreth. “Go deposit that somewhere safe. If I find any cash missing, I’ll know which skint bastard to blame.”

He immediately dove into the bodies, probably looking for Missy, leaving you and Garreth with the coat like a plonker. You took Garreth’s hand suddenly – his haunches rose.

“Shall we go put that… somewhere private?”

Merlin’s coccyx. Garreth was about to die. Of glee.

“Leander has a coat room. This way.”

The place was fairly small despite the size of the house, and it was already jammed with a variety of fleeces, bags, capes, elaborate headgear and abandoned props. He tried to find a hook near the back but nearly tripped – you snatched his arm and pulled him close to steady him, and your breath, minty and fresh and enticing, whirled into his nose.

“Be careful,” you whispered in that sensual voice. “Let me do it.”

You took the coat and stretched around him, causing blood to rush up his neck. Pretty girl. Pretty costume. His brain managed only caveman utterances as a strong impulse to crush his lips to yours overwhelmed him. When you reached back, however, your hands wandered, going from the coat to his hair, dragging your fingers through like a comb. His mouth went dry tracing the silhouette of your body, and the look of hunger in your eyes.

“Prim—” he choked out.

You placed a finger to his lip. “Outside?”

He took your hand and marched you out front again. Good grief, it was happening. He didn’t make it one step down the courtyard before you pulled him down, meeting his lips with your own. The kiss was so unexpected and warm and amazing all the hesitation in his chest dissolved. His hands met your waist, his chest your own. You tasted like an addiction, poisonous and unyielding. He wanted more, so much more.

The kissing intensified. It was so chilly, yet he was burning up within, throwing himself willingly into the flames of you. Oblivious of the surroundings, he let himself be guided to wherever the hell you wanted. Your tongue skimmed the seam of his mouth and it took all his willpower not to moan. Was this Muggle Heaven? He fell back on something soft, flat out against – a leather seat?

You peeled yourself off as you threw the rest of him into the passenger’s seat of Sebastian’s Ferrari. Garreth yelped.

“Er, Prim—?”

In two seconds you were in the driver’s seat, and revving the engine. The Ferrari purred to life, and when you hit the accelerator, Garreth’s face mashed against the back of the seat.

“Prim! What the hell are you—?”

The carriage swerved left, pitching him sideways until he grabbed the headrest to steady himself. He screamed. Only when you were in some country road did you lurch to a stop. Garreth caught his breath.

“We could’ve just snogged in the courtyard, you know!”

You turned, casting him a sweet, ominous smile, and swung a key ring around your clawed finger. He stared at it, recognising the shape…

“Wait a second… that’s Sebastian’s knob!”

“Fob, Garreth,” you corrected. “And it’s mine now.”

“What? But—”

“I have to thank you, actually. He’s been a target for weeks but getting close to him was impossible… until I met you.” You pressed something on the dashboard and passenger door opened, letting in a rush of frigid air. “I can’t believe you’d break his trust.”

“But— I didn’t do anything!”

With one swift movement, you kicked Garreth square in the chest. He took the blow unprepared, tumbling into the cold and landing on the compacted mud with a thump.

“Sebastian will notice soon,” you said casually. “They’ll find your hair all over his coat. Don’t worry, I’ve confiscated your phone so you can’t contact anyone. Should give me a few hours leeway, but I’m sure he’ll notice you’re gone first. You’re not a bad kisser though.” You winked. “See you next time, gorgeous.”

The door sealed shut, and the metal carriage sped off, churning dust and smoke in Garreth’s face.

“And that’s how I was framed.”

Officer Singer stares at him like he’s become the pumpkin.

“You’re saying this girl Prim used you to steal the Ferrari from Mr Sallow?”

“Exactly right!”

“When she doesn’t exist?”

“What?”

“The number you texted isn’t in service. No record of her at any local business or university. You don’t even have a name?”

Garreth feels sweat drip from head to arse. “N-No, but I swear she’s real!”

“Yeah, okay, and I’m going home to feed my unicorn.”

“Unicorns are real too! And Sebastian saw her!”

“Mr Sallow did indeed see someone that night, but it was dark. She could’ve been any of the other party guests.”

“But she wasn’t—”

“I’m afraid the evidence is stacked against you.” Singer stands. “You’re under arrest for Ferrari-theft—”

“No, please!”

“— where you’ll face trial—”

“No!”

“— and then… Azkaban.”

“NOOOOO—”

“��OOOOOOOO!”

Pain shoots down his head and shoulders. Garreth gulps in a sharp breath and pries open his eyes – everything’s blurry, but he can just make out his legs stuck in the air and the rest of his body awkwardly folded between the foot of his bed and the floor. Except for undergarments, he’s arse-naked. Everything’s spinning, his hair’s dishevelled, and his innards feel like they might quickly become outards.

“Garreth! Are you all right?”

A vague shape above him crystallises into you, staring down at him with a hand over your mouth. You’re barely dressed, just a thin nightgown.

“Prim… what…?”

“I told you that potion was a bad idea,” you scold, helping him onto the bed’s edge. “Enhancing your dreams… try nightmares! I tried shaking you and nothing worked! You just sat there and drooled for thirty minutes!”

“Wait— so…” Everything was a dream? That tavern with the weird masheen and Sebastian’s metal carriage and you being a cat burglar but not the cute kind—

“Prim,” he pulls you into a hug, “Merlin’s nappy rash, I love you. I love you just the way you are.”

“Er…” You pat him on the back. “I love you too?”

“And I will be the best boyfriend ever as long as you never to get me arrested for a Ferrari!”

You fix him a sweet, if exasperated smile.

“You know I would never try to get you arrested, Garreth. Whatever you saw in your nightmare wasn’t real.”

And thank goodness for that. He sags and rests his forehead against yours.

“I’m never drinking that potion again.”

“That sounds like a very wise idea,” you say. “I do have to ask though… what’s a Ferrari?”

Garreth kisses your nose.

“I have absolutely no idea.”

Fin.

My eternal gratitude to CharlesSTBeaufort for fielding all my annoying car questions. Please like and reblog if you enjoyed! <3