velvtrix

[velvtrix]

Bittersweet notes

Aaron Hotchner x child!reader

TW: angst, mentions of violence, guns, knifes, glass, Foyet, trauma??? neglect(I think), death, mentions of panic attacks(past), little bit of yelling, ooc most likely.

wc- maybe over 500 i forgot

a/n: trying out a new writing style, really slow in updating. Lmk if I missed any warnings I should add. Reader should be around 11-12. Gn!reader

"Music expresses that which cannot be said on which it is impossible to be silent on." -Victor Hugo

You stood by the musical hall, on your phone trying to text your father before you had to put it away. It was finally the day of your performance and no sign of him showing up. Restlessly you pulled your phone again while clicking on the contact;

Dad :)

Out came out messages only sent from you.

Leaving home soon!

Are you gonna pick me up?

Nvm babysitter offered to drop me off

Dad? You there????

Hello?

Saving you a seat, the usual

Are you gonna come?

I have to enter the building soon, won't be able to text

Dad?

Going inside, remember it's stage 4, seat 20, love you

Your finger hit the erase

You're still coming right?

"Hey y/n ! Hurry inside you have to change, you're the closing musician."

You looked up at the sound of your name, "mhm I will, I just need to make a quick call, I'll be there in a bit." The person simply shrugged and left as you clicked dial.

A few seconds passed by and as you were about to hang up the call connected.

Hotchner.

Dad?

Y/n? Why are you calling did something happen.

A sudden pang ran through your heart, you ignored the feeling before answering

Uh no I just thought you were- anyways are you doing a case right now?

No I'm, I'm with Beth, are you sure you're alright? Is Jack alright?

Jack's fine! He's with the babysitter and I'm- I'm at-

"Aaron is everything alright? They've already called our table."

You could hear Beth's voice linger with a bit of worriness, whether it was something bad happening or their date being ruined.

Listen y/n I have to hang up now, I'll check your messages afterwards if that's okay?

You choked back a sniffle,

Y-yeah no that's fine by me, have fun.

Love you y/n

Mhm

When the call ended you only shoved your phone in your bag and walked into the hall. It was filled with people, you pushed your way through and made it backstage with moments to spare; walking into a dressing room.

Sighing you decided it was time to change. You pulled out a dress shirt, vest and pants, before adjusting the red tie, the one your father gave you. You sat in the room for a bit before you pulled out the piece you were supposed to play. It seemed like almost yesterday....

You were just a small child who picked up the violin as a hobby. Your mother, Haley, had been playing the piano as a young girl but never really pursued it. Rather than wanting to follow her steps you wanted to be closer to her, and you learned that violinists have an accompanist. Your first lessons consisted of learning the basics, and the years after that was learning how to be in sync with your mother, which was easily accomplished.

You wouldn't say you were a prodigy but according to the public you were, and a good one at that. Haley would take you to small competitions and when you won them, she'd take it a bit further, but she would never make you do anything you didn't want to.

However during the events of Foyet you were in witness protection and dropped the competitions completely, only playing small duets with your mother. It was after Foyet had targeted your family, where you lost Haley, your one supporter, your accompanist, your friend, and most importantly, your mother.

bang bang bang

When those shots were fired you wished. Wished that your father had gotten here early. Or maybe your mother took the gun and shot him instead. Or perhaps that you had been shot instead. Instead of being dragged by Foyet. Instead of his knife greeting you. Instead of the stairs you were thrown against, the glass shards that had entered your palms. Right when he had finally finished tossing you around, he was about to step on your hands, the one thing a musician would care about most, your father broke the door and the fight commenced.

You grimaced at the memory, while you pulled out your brown case. Opening it you were greeted with the slight smell of pine.

"Hey kiddo how's practice going?" Your mom stood by your room frame.

"I'm almost done with the piece! I've been thinking if we could do this one together." You pulled out a sheet, ' Liebesleid (Love's sorrow)- Fritz Kreisler' "Love's sorrow? Why do you wanna play that piece?"

"Cause you used to play it a lot when I was tiny, and this time we can play it together!" You giggled while Haley sighed happily.

"Alright, I'll get ready, don't fall behind now." She walked to the common room, where the piano sat. You ran after her, violin in hand, along with a wide grin.

As she sat down, you stood by the open window, a small breeze flowing through. "Remember, when you play, don't feel forced to follow the tempo. Music is to express yourself, I only hope you don't force yourself to play, my love." She gave a smile before starting to play, you playing right after. In the original piece, both instruments begin at the same time, however there was this small pause when your mother started where you managed to catch her soft smile. It was the only time you got to see her properly before you focused on your playing.

'I just hope that with this, you'll get used to sorrow.' Haley thought sadly.

You sighed as you picked up the instrument and bow, slowly placing it on the desk before closing the case. This competition wasn't supposed to be as big as those you've attended before, but at the sight of your name a few people were interested in seeing your reappearance, and your music.

You walked out, heading for the recording room, where you watched the current person on stage play. They seemed nervous and they were off tempo, it seemed that the accompanist was trying to let the violin shine.

"(Y/n) Hotchner? Right after this person you're up." A worker announced, as everyone's head perked at the last name. "Hotchner? They came back!"

You nodded at the worker before turning back to the multiple screens. Even though there were multiple people attending, you weren't able to spot your father, maybe the camera couldn't reach his seating.

The person on screen ended their playing, a few scattered applauses could be heard. They sheepishly bowed before quickly running backstage where their accompanist followed.

"It's your turn Hotchner, be there in 3." You heard the worker as you turned to walk on stage. Once you felt like you were ready you walked through the curtain and onto the stage, your accompanist following behind you.

You finally stopped walking, faced the audience and held your violin in its rightful position.

"Oh wow it's really them! I thought they dropped music completely!"

"I bet they're going to take this competition just like others, did you hear there's judges here!? This is a lifetime opportunity."

"Let's just enjoy the show, I've missed their music so much!"

You closed your eyes, and took a deep breath.

"Elohim, Essaim... Elohim, Essaim I implore you."

You struck 2 chords before starting the actual piece, Introduction et Tarantelle Op. 43

A minute into your playing you could hear the people murmuring.

"This is their playing? It's so plain, its like it's lost its spark."

"I expected the song to stand out, if they continue like this it's going to be just like everyone else's, painfully average."

'Their words don't matter. I don't care what anyone else says,' You brought your gaze on the audience, slowly looking for a certain spot. Seat 20! And just as you found said location, [video stamp 2:04] you slowed down your tempo, as if you were going to stop playing mid song.

Of course, it was empty

You felt your vision cloud and you repeatedly blinked, desperately trying to stop them from falling.

"(Y/n), kiddo, you know you don't have to do this." Your mother had a sympathetic look as she crouched to your height. "You're free to tell me you're not ready you know, it's brave to go on stage, but it's also brave to say you're scared."

You shook your head, "Nuh-uh! I've been practicing all this time. This is my first as an orchestral solist!! We've practiced and I'm ready, I promise mama!"

At age 9 you were already behind stage, waiting to play the assigned piece, Winter (L'lnverno) Op. 8 No. 4 F minor: Allegro Non Molto

You could say people envied you, being a young kid, and already being able to lead an orchestra. It was all fair, you managed to get into various competitions in such a short time because you practically devoted your whole freetime to practicing the violin.

Of course you enjoyed school, but not as much as the violin. You strive to get better, not only because of your enjoyment, but because you felt like you could connect better with your mother.

"Alright, remember, you're going to kill it kiddo. Enjoy yourself and play the way you want to be known as, not like a machine." She left a small kiss on your forehead as you turned around and went on stage happily.

Your felt the grip on your bow loosen and you immediately regained your composure. Whether it was the people's ill words or your bottled up emotions you took a deep breath and immediately sped up the tempo, catching the pianist off guard. [Time stamp 2:22]

"There it is!"

"Their playing is back!"

"They are gonna do it again, she's going to make this composition belong to them and them only."

"This is what I've been waiting for, the clash of an accompanist and a violinist."

You heard the audience cheer but you only shut them off. You glanced back at the accompanist, who only held a confused gaze, but at the sight of your smirk, they immediately regained their posture and chased after you.

So what.

So what if he's not here, you don't care.

You felt the tears fall and closed your eyes, your tempo neither increasing nor decreasing.

You never needed him, only her!

As your turn came to the end you finished the last note and strummed the violin, dramatically holding your bow in the air, panting out of breath. There was only a slight pause before the audience erupted into applause.

"WOOOOOOOO"

"THEY'RE BACK! THE (Y/N) HOTCHNER IS BACK"

"WE MISSED YOU!"

"YOU'RE AMAZING!!"

You were still out of breath when you put your bow down to your side before walking forward, bowing your head and walked to the exit.

"I've found the one."

Once you were out of the audience view you managed to place your violin on the bench but dropped your bow and fell to your knees, workers and competitors approaching you.

They all swarmed you but you only let out a happy sigh and laughed. The thrill came back and they all applauded you. You stood up, ignored your knees shaking and walked back towards the dressing room, placing your violin away and walking out of the backstage.

You sat down on a bench, watching everyone else. The other competitors were waiting for their results, just like you. Except they were waiting with their family, or friends.

You moved your gaze towards the floor, you didn't change out of the outfit you were because you had hope, hope that he would atleast be waiting.

You saw a figure loom over you and when you looked up you were shocked to see who.

"Spence?"

"Hey (y/n)! Glad I managed to find you, there's so many competitors I thought it would take me forever-"

"What are you doing here?" You cut off his rant, you weren't annoyed, rather you were happy to see him.

"Well I came here to cheer on my favorite musician, why else would I be here?" He waved a little flag that had, "go (y/n)" written on it.

"I'm honored! They're about to come out with the results, will you stay?" You stood up and hugged him, which he returned.

"Of course! I'm here to support you. A-and I also took a few notes of the piece you were playing. Did you know that-"

A swarm of people crowded the wall where a worker was setting up a paper, you beckoned Spencer to follow you. You walked up and pushed your way through, you could hear some sighs, some cries and even some celebration.

"(Y/n)......."

The letters to the right immediately lit your face.

"Mom-"

You turned back to meet Spencer, his eyes widening and your smile slowly faded.

"Spencer, I did it, I won first!" You declared with less excitement.

"That's insane! You definitely worked for it kiddo, get over here!" You walked towards him as he held you into a hug, surprisingly.

You smiled as you started to walk back to the bench you were originally sitting on. You grabbed your violin case and bag, debating whether or not to tell your dad the news.

Just as the both of you walked out the building you heard a small cough from behind you.

"Uncle Rossi!" You smiled brightly.

"How was my little niece! I saw you kick butt up on that stage!" He held you in a fatherly hug, one you needed. If you were to choose who to run to, Rossi would be the number one person. At the loss of your mother he was the one you'd turn to, as you didn't want to bother your dad, who was now a single father of two.

"U-um excuse me!" You felt a small finger tap on your back and you turned around, looking down at the small kid, who turned back to their, mother, who smiled at them.

"I-i just wanted to hand you these f-flowers! Y-your music was really a-amazing!" You took the bouquet of gladiolus from the kid's hands. You kneeled down and smiled softly, "thank you, they're very pretty." The kid quickly said welcome and ran back to their mother, who picked them up and told them they did great.

If that kid got a parent's recognition that easily, how come your father hasn't seen you yet.

"Looks like that kid beat me to it," Rossi handed you a (quite) larger bouquet of flowers, dahlias and camellias. You smiled, slightly struggling to carry all the items you held, but you were nevertheless happy.

"Did you know that kid (y/n)?" Spencer came up to you, grabbing onto your bag, you thanked him and shook your head. "I don't think so. I wonder why they gave it to me."

"Truth be told, I saw them in the beginning and they didn't have those flowers." You gave him a confused look, "What does that mean?"

He smiled and ruffled your hair slightly, "They probably ran to the closest place they could buy flowers after the show ended, all just for you."

You blinked, still confused but grateful, that atleast some people could enjoy your music.

"So how about dinner at mines?" Rossi offered.

"Are you sure? I think I'd have to ask my dad first-"

"Nonsense! You're basically my relative, if anything I'll just stick up for you."

"Oh then, I'd be honored." You lit up. It hadn't been long since you had dinner at Rossi's place, not that you minded, the food was always amazing.

"Great, it'd be a shame to waste all the food that was prepared already." He let out a small sigh, as he opened the door to the car. You walked in and he closed it, Spencer running to the other side to sit next to you.

________________

Once you arrived at the Rossi household mansion, you walked in and was greeted with a few confetti poppers. You jumped slightly, relaxing when you saw the rest of the bau team there, smiling.

"W-what are you guys doing here?" You smiled, for the nth time this day.

"We're here to celebrate, obviously, come on kiddo use that smart head of yours!" You heard a chuckle as a muscular arm draped over you.

"A little bird told us today was your competition and we watched it, you killed it by the way, and then ran over here to surprise you!" JJ sent a small smile at your way. You saw her as a mother figure, she definitely played a big role in getting over your slump.

Immediately a pink blur ran at you and you were held into a tight hug, which you recognized was Garcia.

"Oh my sweet bundle of joy you were amazing out there!" She pecked small kisses over your face, "I held back too much already you were just- words can't describe what I felt during your performance!" She hugged you tighter, if that was even possible.

"Alright baby girl, you're gonna kill her if you continue hugging her." You felt the hug fade away, while you enjoyed her hugs, they could be intense at times.

"I'm thankful for the support, and the surprise!" You thanked everyone, Rossi finally entering his place, with bouquets in one arm and your violin case in the other.

"Now for the best part, Rossi's cooking" Another voice rung through your head.

"Prenti- Emily." You entered into another hug, and you returned it. She backed away and took your hand leading you into the backyard, where a wonderful aroma hit your nose.

Multiple dishes, mainly Italian, sat nicely on the table, a few decorations adored the room, they were probably up by Garcia.

You sat in the middle of a side on the table, patiently waiting for everyone to sit down so you all could eat at the same time. When everyone was eating you sat still, your gaze looking over everyone who was either engaging into small talk or simply eating silently.

You felt the same emotion from the morning rise up, again you held it down, and started eating. Was it the nice atmosphere? Or maybe it was the small talk. No it was probably your imagination, right?

Why did this feel like a normal family dinner.

You finished eating what you could, got seconds if you wanted, and you thanked Rossi for the food, immediately running to the bathroom to wash your hands and ran back to the living room. Everyone looked confused when you came back in, a familiar case in hand.

You were still in your suit so better now than later right?

You stood by the glass doors that connected the backyard to the kitchen, a few small bulbs lighting up your small stage. You unzipped your case, pulling out your familiar instrument.

Rossi, who also had finished his food, stood by the piano, that seemed to almost be outside in a coincidence.

"During dinner, if it's okay, I would like to play a piece." You whispered the rest of your plan in Rossi's ear, who nodded along. He knew how to play the piano, not full protégé but he could follow the music sheet.

You looked at him, who nodded, as you held your instrument in a ready position.

"Elohim, Essaim... Elohim, Essaim I implore you."

You started to play, Rossi following after you.

Nocturne Op.9 No.2

You saw their faces light up at the source of the playing. The atmosphere seemed more cozy and they talked softer, as to enjoy the piece fully.

Your Uncle Rossi was able to keep up, and you didn't do anything out of the norm to keep the nice tone, maybe it was out of your style, but you also enjoyed playing what the composition was intended to sound like.

As the piece ended, you slowly bowed, and the table cheered, especially Garcia, who grabbed Spencer's hand that held the small flag and waved it around vigorously causing him to let out small protests.

You put your violin back in its case and you felt strong arms lift you up in the air, the moonlight shining brightly on the backyard, illuminating the flowers and the gazebo.

"I'm so proud of you kiddo!" Morgan smiled, and swung you around in the air, the cool breeze hitting you.

It was definitely the atmosphere, right?

You can't keep it down anymore.

A small tear rolled down, then another, and before you knew it you were clinging onto Morgan like no tomorrow, sobs echoing through the yard. The team immediately ran by your side, checking if you were injured, but you kept your grasp tight on Morgan, afraid of letting you.

"You're afraid aren't you?"

You looked at Prentiss with a confused gaze, it wasn't too much after your mother's death when she asked you this.

"Afriad of what?"

"Afraid of deep relationships. I know you don't like being profiled but you've tried to stop calling us by our first name. You've closed yourself off and I understand that but-"

"I'm not scared!" You immediately defended yourself, maybe hanging around profilers did have cons, you couldn't hide anything from them.

"I just ask that you try to keep with the first name basis, at least with me. Spencer already knows, I think it'd be easier to try with him too." She held your hand softly but you immediately recoiled from the touch.

"I'm not scared..."

"I know our jobs aren't the safest but, promise me you'll try?" She stood up, awkwardly cleared her throat and walked away, leaving you in shock.

"I'm scared." You sobbed out. You matured way too early, and your own father didn't notice much of it, in fact maybe he was relieved that you did. You didn't require much attention like Jack. Even then you were scared, of losing your father, or even the bau team.

After a few minutes of letting your bottled emotions out, you fell asleep, Morgan carrying you into a spare room in Rossi's house. Emily had briefed the team what you were dealing with an everyone felt sympathy, it was only a bit after 11 p.m when Hotch entered the yard, slightly out of breath, his hair messy, tie all crooked and a shocked expression, rarely ever seen.

"I got a call that, (y/n) is here." He fixed his tie and looked around the yard, just like he would search an unsub's area. His chest rose and fell quickly, lightly panting as he regained control of his breathing. He continued to walk, making sure to scan the area, trying to find something, anything that would alert him that his child was here.

"Yeah, the kids here." Rossi assured the disheveled man in front of him before crossing his arms and raising his eyebrow. "The real question is where were you?" He speaks in a stern tone, it's almost funny how he's the one acting like a father.

Hotch stares at the older man in disbelief. Why is he being questioned? He's the father looking for his child, can't they just tell him where they are? Hotch breaks from the eye contact, sighing as he runs his hand through his messy hair, removing the strands that fell in front of his face. He sighs once more, knowing he wouldn't win this without answering.

"I was with Beth, we had a date planned. Now where is my child." His voice was cold, but a small amount of panic laced his words. The team around him could only sigh, some seemed almost disappointed. Emily and Spencer sent each other confused looks, both communicating with their eyes.

"What, is it wrong to want to spend time with my partner when there isn't any work?" Hotch asked, almost offended. He too had a life outside of the BAU. Normally he was asked to take a break and now they want him to stay focused?

Rossi could only chuckle while the rest of the team looked at him. Spencer seemed to speak up, "Listen Hotch, we don't mind you spending time with Beth, we're all happy you finally are leaving the shell of yours." His tone seemed to become angrier.

"But when your child, (y/n), is having a competition, and goes out their way to also leave their shell, I expect you to be the first person there, not Morgan, Emily, everyone on this team." His words were laced like poison, and Hotch could feel it crawl through his veins and into his heart. His heart that suddenly felt a sharp jab at it.

"Do you know how much (y/n) stayed quiet about?!" Spencer continued. It was quite rare to see him so agitated. "Hey pretty boy maybe you should-"

"No. He needs to know Morgan!" He cuts off Spencer. "He needs to know how much (y/n) cried, how much they hid that their father never looked their way anymore!" He seemed quite affected by this, his own relationship with his father was also like this at one point. Then he just left.

"(Y/n) has been trying, struggling! They've tried to move on to no avail. Yes they've made a big step in attending a competition, something they quit. It would have meant a lot more to them to see their father there with them! They CRIED while YOU were having an AMAZING time with Beth."

It was quiet. Too quiet. The team stayed silent, the youngest in the team had just yelled at their boss but deep down they all were supportive of his words.

"Do you know their favorite food? Their favorite songs? How about their favorite color, their favorite book? What about their grades? Did you know they had over 6 panic attacks and was sent to the nurse at some point. Did you know that they always woke up after them, asking for their father?!"

Hotch stood there, like a deer in headlights, staring at Spencer as he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. How could he have forgotten? The few times you did speak was about the competition. Hell you even asked if you could take Jack that day but he refused, thinking you were just going to keep him home and Jack needed exposure to other people, even if it just was a babysitter.

"Sometimes, you act like (y/n) doesn't exist, and it shows."

Spencer sighed once more before walking , "I hope this is your wake up call, Hotchner." He bumped into Hotch on the way to the house, most likely on purpose as he went upstairs, most likely to go to your room to check up on you.

Hotch stares in front of him, dazed, in disbelief. Had he really not realized how much time had passed? He assumed you distanced yourself because you were growing up. He was quite happy, seeing that you didn't need as much attention as Jack but was he actually hurting you by allowing you freedom? He feels his throat swell as he clears it, slowly looking up at Rossi.

"Have I really been such a bad father? I-I thought I was helping them by giving them space. Have I actually been harming them?" How he hoped that the older man would dispute, telling him no, that he tried his best, but Rossi simply nodded

Had he really been that absent from your life?

"Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable." -William Shakespeare

a/n: First time actually finishing a post wooo. Any feedback would be appreciated. I do take requests, just not very speedy at doing them. I'll work on a abt me post and stuff. Hope you enjoyed, feel free to support me if you do it would mean a lot<3

[velvtrix]

Spencer reid x reader? Angst??

Once it's lost, you'll never get it back. No matter how much you struggle, you will never get it back.

Maybe it was for both of our interest. Maeve was amazing, there was no way I could be her. No matter the achievements I had, she always had something better to give. Sometimes I despise myself for thinking I could ever be her, replace her.

You must hate me. How could I ever think about replacing her? She was. No, is. She is so amazing for you. It's like you said before, she works in the light, I work in the shadow.

This is my half-assed apology. To be frank, I didn't have a reason to aploigize, but Hotch suggested to 'try and maintain a friendship.' Honestly. I think it's better off with us not communicating.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was at that place.

I'm sorry I showed up for her funeral.

I'm sorry I didn't save her.

I'm sorry I was drugged.

I'm sorry I couldn't untie myself quick enough.

I'm sorry I didn't cry.

But most importantly.

I'm sorry I ever came back to the bau.