velociraptor-detective

[velociraptor-detective]

Anybody who says cats only play along with human nonsense in order to obtain food has never seen a hungry cat completely ignore a full bowl of food in favour of giving you shit because you did not correctly perform the Dinner Ritual.

[velociraptor-detective]

[velociraptor-detective]

[velociraptor-detective]

So, I read the entire A Court of Thorns and Roses series series when I was sick.

This world has so much potential but the fics on average are kind of blandly heteronormative. Where's the Feyre dickgirl or Tamlin mpreg? They can shapeshift ffs. (Not together though. Rhys getting pegged and Lucian topping Tam is objectively superior.)

Where are the hilarious scent descriptions for OCs? I need a Modern Girl in Prythian that smells like Iso Super E and asphalt and plastic whose arousal smells like petrichor.

The fandom needs 100% less shipping bullshit and 1000% more crack and whimsy. At least there is some grade A political dramas on AO3.

[velociraptor-detective]

[velociraptor-detective]

The Four Sacred Artistic Motives:

-what if this bad thing was good instead

-how about Make-Believe Land can have whatever I want

-would that be fucked up or what

-I think that shit's hot

[velociraptor-detective]

Dwarves are short, powerfully built, with presumably a strong circulatory system and a culturally strong warrior ethos as well as a cultural tradition of strong and intricate craftsmanship. All of these factors make them ideal jet fighter pilots.

[velociraptor-detective]

Vampires when they sip on your blood and catch extra strength Tylenol, at least two psychiatric meds, two cups of coffee, weed, and microplastics 

[velociraptor-detective]

Hm, I was pondering about the recent-ish trope of Adventuring Guilds (effectively trade unions for protagonists in fantasy rpg-inspired settings, which I’m sure I’ve seen in a bunch of things but the main example that springs to mind is Goblin Slayer to my annoyance but the Hero Association in One Punch Man has a similar albeit superhero-slanted deal), and how mechanically in the setting they exist to ensure x reward is provided for x amount of work/danger involved but in a meta sense are there so the characters don’t have to go looking for heroing gigs on ye olde Craigs Lyst or something.

It’s an interesting idea, similar in a manner to the many fantasy trope-tinged guilds in the Discworld novels of the late great Terry Pratchett, although an amusing idea occurred to me with the idea of trade unions for fantasy heroes.

Like, if there are unions to ensure employment and fair pay for folks clearing out dungeons, getting gnolls out the cabbage patch, stopping gnomes from going through your bins, and so on, then, logically, there much exist fantasy hero scab workers as well.

Folks that the local king or something brings in for lower pay on more dangerous jobs. Folks who are, say, completely new to the setting, out of their depth, and are thrust into a dangerous situation by a seemingly benevolent authority figure because said authority figure is too cheap to hire someone who understands the risks involved and asks more suitable wages for the role…

Y’know…

[velociraptor-detective]

Worldbuilding tip for aspiring fantasy authors! Give that swordsman a bigger ass

[velociraptor-detective]

I’m paying to force seven thousand strangers to see a photo of my late husband having fun with his dog. Tumblr Blaze is totally worth it. XD

[velociraptor-detective]

[velociraptor-detective]

Sometimes reading Arthuriana feels like reading Alice in Wonderland.

“Well,” said Alice, “these are a dreadfully strange assortment of objects!”

“They all symbolize different aspects of Our Lord’s martyrdom,” said the Fisher King, casting a line into his teacup.

“Indeed. I am sure everything symbolizes something else, for if everything was only itself I should be very confused. Might I ask what the point of the bleeding lance is?”

Alice regretted asking the question as soon as she had done so, for she saw the pun that would likely be made about the word point. Instead, however, the room erupted in applause and shouts of “The Grail! She has achieved the Grail!”

The next castle she visited, Alice resolved to herself as the inhabitants of this one danced for joy, would be more sensible.

[velociraptor-detective]

I’m paying to force seven thousand strangers to see a photo of my late husband having fun with his dog. Tumblr Blaze is totally worth it. XD

[velociraptor-detective]

the dark urge is smart and all but I think it might be funny and slightly canon if gortash had the hots for them first and went about it the usual gortash way, flowers and chocolate, and the dark urge was just like what in the fuck is this. are there bombs hidden in these or something?

and then Gortash would be like... do you... would you prefer I send you bombs?

and the answer is yes

[velociraptor-detective]

okay so picture this.

You're a man named Jim Steinman. You are one of the most prolific songwriters of the 80s. In your spirit, output and essence, you are eternally popping a wheelie on a motorcycle while a hot half-naked woman clings to you and bats wheel in the sky above.

You wrote a song in which Meatloaf plays a hideously disfigured hunk who steals a nubile lady back to his crumbling manor and introduces her to the pleasures of magic lesbian group sex.

You wrote a song in which Celine Dion sings as Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, dancing with Cathy's corpse on a beach in the moonlight; a scene which you, Jim Steinman, believe should have been in the book. (The moors of Wuthering Heights are landlocked, but you, Jim Steinman, are too fucking real to care about that.)

You wrote the song for the opening scene of the movie Streets of Fire, in which evil leatherdaddy Willem Dafoe leads his malefic motorcycle crew into a concert to abduct Diane Lane while she's wearing a skintight satin jumpsuit.

You wrote a song in which Bonnie Tyler wanders a haunted boarding school as literal demon twinks gyrate at her out of the fog.

There is no peak of goth camp that you, Jim Steinman, have not summited, no horny energy you have not tapped. They say that Alexander the Great wept when he saw there were no more worlds to conquer. But you, Jim Steinman, are not Alexander the Great. You, Jim Steinman, are better. You, Jim Steinman, have vision.

You take your most successful song, the song everyone knows, the most big-haired, white dress, gothic arches, doves flying, possessed choir boys chanting, bombastic song you have, and think: what if this, but with vampires.

And so you change the lyrics to be about death and infinity and a powerful bloodsucking lord seducing a girl who is ALL ABOUT IT, and then toss off a whole musical for this song to be the centerpiece to, and the musical is bad but it's also a weird hit that's been staged in fourteen countries and revived seven times, because nothing has ever whipped as campily, as ridiculously, as perfectly as this:

It never takes off in America. A prophet is without honor in his own land. But that doesn't matter. How could it matter? You are perhaps the most creatively self-actualized man who has ever lived. Look at that vampire. He's coming in hot and a hundred Venetian nuns gave their lives to make his ludicrously capacious lace sleeves. Look at that girl. She was born in a fog machine. She wore her best red velvet cape. She's down bad. She's singing Total Eclipse of the Heart the whole time.

You are Jim Steinman, and you have reached apotheosis.

[velociraptor-detective]

So I recruited Minthara for the first time and. I'm in love.