velehemelsbovendezevende

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Focus on your breathing. An anonymous fear submitted to Deep Dark Fears - thanks!

There are two Deep Dark Fears books out now, collect them both!

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

I wish it could be as easy to ignore you in my head, as it is to ignore you in real life.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

stop checking up on people who hurt you and are fine with never seeing you again. stop reopening old wounds just to see if they still hurt. stop pressing down on the raw sore parts of your heart and wondering why you’re still bleeding. you deserve so much better than what they done to you and how they made you feel. let them go and let yourself heal. you deserve to be happy and you will be, but you need to let go of the past and people who hurt you first.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

explore everything. paint messy paintings, write sentimental poetry, watch a new series, start singing or playing a musical instrument, delve into arts and crafts, read a classic, learn an ancient language, explore secret gems in your neighbourhood and city, remake your daily routine, go to museums, learn the secrets of baking delicious cookies, learn to identify flowers and trees, meet new people often, join clubs and events, study astronomy and old movies and science and history and obscure subjects. there’s so much out there for you in the universe, you’re bound to find your hidden passion.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

I just deleted the messenger and Facebook app from my phone

Like every ordinary day, I woke up and checked my phone. Usually, I immediately go to messenger and/or Facebook and/or Instagram to see if I have any messages and what I missed. The habit of doing this sneeked up on me, and slowly became an addiction. Because not only do I do this as soon as I wake up, I also do this multiple times a day, at the table when I'm having dinner and before I go to sleep. I watch people living their lives and I try to fake one for myself sometimes, too. But the truth is, I haven't been enjoying my life for a very long time now.

I feel lonely so often. And I feel so empty it's almost like I have zero purpose anymore. I tried to fill this hole by checking social media, so I'd feel "more connected", "inspired" and "motivated". I never did. Because as soon as I would lay away the electronics, I would return to my own, old life again and had to realize nothing had changed. Because, instead of doing something actually improving, relaxing, exciting or instead of going outside and meeting new people, I chose to escape in a fantasy world where everybody lives, but no one really stays or connects.

I was always jealous of that friend I had who could stay offline for 19 hrs in a row. So, instead of checking my social media this morning I decided to delete it. Now I'm about to become that friend I was jealous of. Time to jump back into the real world.

Friday, August 16th, 2019

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Ik zie nog steeds geen waarheid

In de ogen waarvan je zegt dat ze

Me graag zien

Een lege blik

Beantwoordt mijn vragen met magere antwoorden

En een ingehouden snik

Alsof je ze liever wilde bewaren

Voor iemand die zoveel anders is

Dan ik

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Change

I think I just changed from a "could be"

To a "could've been" to you

Just like you changed into a "once was"

From a "will be" to me

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

im so ready to be in a relationship so whenever the universe is ready hmu with a keeper

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Day 353

I think I finally started to heal and become more myself again.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Before and after

Before someone once told me they fell in love with me, I was convinced I couldn't be romantically loved.

Not because I thought I didn't deserve love. I had love in my life, from friends and family. I was just always convinced that I wasn't the kind of person people actually could fall in love with. I was the person you either liked, or you either felt "meh" about. I didn't have haters, and so I felt like I couldn't have lovers either.

At 17, a guy told me he fell in love with me. And I ridiculed him. Not because of his feelings, I just couldn't believe he meant it. I even accused him of not knowing what love is and I told him his hormones were playing games with him.

After that, I dated a few guys, of whom I knew they liked me, but didn't love me.

When my current s/o told me he loved me, I didn't believe it. He said it too fast in my opinion, and I was convinced he was just being overwhelmed by our relationship.

Five months after he told me, I started believing him. Not because he acted different, but because I did. I finally started to feel like I am worthy of love, and that other people actually could have those feelings for me. I finally allowed myself to be loved, instead of only loving others without a return from it.

I'm still convinced it's rare to find someone who means it. I don't think there's a line of people waiting out there to love me. But I appreciate the few who would and who can.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Ge gelooft me niet

Als ik u zeg dat ik er altijd voor u zal zijn, zelfs tijdens de zwakste momenten van uw leven.

Ge zegt dat ik daar niet zeker van kan zijn. Alsof gij nu ook al in mijn hoofd zit.

Ik zeg u dat ik het weet, want ik heb mezelf al verschillende keren uitgesloofd,

Voor mensen die me een pak minder waard waren dan gij.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

“I am in the process of becoming a better version of myself.”

—

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Ik liet jou mij loslaten

Ik denk dat ik mezelf ook maar eens toelaat

Jou los te laten

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

I almost lost you today

I asked you why you decided to flee. You told me, that's what you thought I wanted you to do.

I got confused. I asked you why you would think that. I asked you where you got this message.

You answered that I never really said it out loud, but that you could read it in my silence.

That's when I realised. Not only did you allow your insecurity decide for you, you let it speak for me, too.

I love you. Never do that again.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Day 217

Today I got accepted into college. After finally getting my bachelor's degree in social work, I've decided to study sociology next semester.

I imagine telling you all this. I imagine how you would convince me to celebrate, get a bottle of wine and some snacks, and how you would dance with me all night.

I tried to find you recently. I wonder where you are. What you are up to.

I'm not sure if you're still with him. I'm not sure if you still hate me.

I miss you. And I beg you to get out of my head. Or maybe get back into my life. Please stop this torture.

[velehemelsbovendezevende]

Day 198

I still think about you.