vczcv

[vczcv]

stupid vent tjing idk

balahslsjhasj

so like

the stupid sad thrill of having a 100 percent focused and motivation for a video game again is so fun. it's satisfying but it drains me alot. the last time this happened was with wils horse islands, i had stopped playing for 2 years then came back, and now its jailbreak, but like 5 years. i play it from 12pm ish up to 4-5am ish. that feeling of your throat hurting from sleep deprivation, but youre not tired at all. my brsin temporarily has a very good distraction from all the bad stuff in it. its crazy. just a month ago i would get on jailbreak for just a second and then rage quit and now i cant stop playing. this rarely happens, once every few years. i dont play ant other games for a long time and if i do its very brief. Before this i would play at least 20 roblox games going very fast through them, stressing out cant find a good distraction to distract me from the fact that i want to die haha. i still wake up rberyday and want to die. i still have my stepdad being evil, but having somwthing im SO actively invested in is just so amazing. i reallt do wish it was sosmthing real. like a person or a place you lnow i dont want to rot in my room like rveryone thinks i do. my stepdad said the only thing i care about is video games. i cried alot about him sauing that earlier. i play video games because my brain is most of the time unbearable... im sereverly mentally ill and everyday in trying not to cut myself or pleasure myself, (deppression/did/hypersexuality shit) it does get really deppressing yhough. just playing a game im so invested in, all alone, playing with no one, not replying to my exs and bestfeidns texts like i want to. im just scared. i dont know how to explain it. i dont wanna be human i wish i were a mosasaur 66 million years ago right now. i want to get better i dont want to always be like this. after awhile of one game being 90% of rverything i do on a daily basis, itll pass and ill loose interest and them ill have to deal with no active enetertaiment for my brain. my brain is so cooked. i wish i could get a new one. hey brain heyyyyy hi brain isnt that so wsird saying hi to your brain? like saying hi to yourslef but what if your brain has its own thoughts you dont even know anout? im just kidding!!! i need to stop hsving wisrd ninivhtmares rverynight. seriosuly. they be gettint eeird and esoed and woerd and now im going to sleep and i hope i sleep good it is 5am agsin and im sleep m sleep i dont wnat to sleep i miss people i miss ky ex i liss my bestfirne i miss going outside im ok but im not ok i literaly cant but you know im fine im literally fine im not fine im literaly not fien lolololol i cant see mt mags rn im just trying im so tored im so tordd of mybrain hehao! ok goonishgt

[vczcv]

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle

[vczcv]

[vczcv]

I hate being me I wish i was a differnet, better person.

Every tuesday, I get out of my house and go to horse riding lessons. I dont deserve to go at all. It's not really fun pretending im a good person. I try to pretend to be a good person but I just feel like shit in the end. I have problems with people and I just feel so stupid riding a horse with better people watching. I love horses but i dont deserve to be around them. I feel like a piece of shit. Many of my classmates have been riding for a much shorter amount of time than me and can do things a lot better. I'm always the one whos doing the worst. I try to pretend to have confidence when im riding because i want it to be fun because i want to enjoy it because i love horses and i love the horse i work with. But i just do everything wrong and i want to do better but i feel like i shoudlnt even be riding horses cause i dont deserve to. I dont deserve to be able to pretend to be a good person who does honest things. half of me wants to do good things but the ofher half wants horrible things. i just wana be a normal person for fucking sake. and its so goddamn embarrassing when there are people trotting correctly and cantering when i cant even trot for 5 seconds correctly. i try so hard to calm myself and realzing what im doing wrong subconsciously, i just hope i get better at riding even though i dont deserve to at all. i just have to pretend everything will be okay in my brain because my horse is a horse who is cute and sweet and funny and crazy and old and scared and fussy and hes just an amazing horse i just wish i could have a better mindset. so today i will go and think *even though im a bad person, tommy deserves a good person, so be that good person today for his sake and your own. hard to say for your own sake but seriously just- pretend like you have a chance at being good and just do it because maybe just maybe theres a sliver of a chance you csn change. dont just do it for yourself do it for tommy too*

for the few people seeing this along with the rest of my page or even one other post along with this one, do not fear, animals are my weakness and they have no part in the bad in my brain

[vczcv]

aa what movie?? it looks cute!

op nvm its terrifer 2 i havent watched it in w long time dont know how i forgot tho

ppl be like: “omg yes time to put my comfort movie on!”

the comfort movie in question:

(It’s me, I’m ppl 🫀)

[vczcv]

dang in that case i watch porn everyday LOL

Murder is sex. Horror movies are porn. Gore sites are hardcore porn sites. Blood is lube.

[vczcv]

trying to jerk off put my dashboard is filled with gentle domming, light slaps and normal sex! where are the terribly disgusting and problematic freaks?? what’s a guy gotta do to get some really gross content? something i will feel horrible about after??

[vczcv]

— Richard Siken

[vczcv]

Favorite drink! :33

[vczcv]

TW vent

go away

why cant i just be normal?

i think of the most disgusting things and enjoy it.

i want to d**.

i dont deserve anything good.

why is it so hard to be good?

no one knows. no one can know.

why cant i just think humanely?

will i really get to do the good things i want to do if i cant stay good?

will i become a different person and be good in the end?

will i become a different person and act on my thoughts and be in hell in the end?

if im like this how will i ever be satisfied?

will i just end it all because im not ever satisfied?

i just want to be good.

but i cant.

instead

i want horrible things.

why?

just why?

thats so horrible.

i dont think human.

im far from human.

so i shouldn't be treated like one.

i have to pretend but for how long?

what will happen next?

what will it be like in the end?

what will it be like tomorrow?

why do i think like this.

why cant i have a human brain?

what happened to me?

[vczcv]

this reminds me of that one nicole dollganger song

[vczcv]

[vczcv]

I HAD IT I HAD IT I HAD IT

Fuck Romeo and Juliet, I want to have what these bitches have

[vczcv]

btw where i posted abt britney in sims i deleted her bc i dont want her to be involved in wicked whims so yeah

[vczcv]

rereading my posts makes me cringe so hard

[vczcv]

[vczcv]

it feels like i was just 12 yesterday. now im looking for an apartment and a job. i hate time i wish it didnt exist. i am excited to be able to live by myself though. just because ill be able to do what i want and make my own decisions. i js wanna cut, cum, or cum, cut, smoke, drink and go to sleep, wake up whenever i want to. i cant wait to spend my days doing those things and being able to go to my apartment complexs roof and lie down to stare and the stars and moon while smoking. i cant wait to get off my meds so i can actually orgasam again. i cant wait to have sex again. its been almost 4 years. i feel like im loosing it, because i am. everything can turn me on and i hate myself for it i so badly crave the feeling of climax. i miss it so much. i miss being able to cut without feeling woozy. it makes me feel like such a pussy. my meds make my senses insane. i cant wait to have freedom from my crazy family. theree so much i want to do when i move out. worst part is, ill need a cover job so i can get an apartment. my planned job is onlyf#ns. i feel like i would be really good at it, and it seems super easy, besides the fact that it slowly ruins ur brain, ive already long passed that line when i went on omegle showing guys my boobs when i was just a kid. i hate myself so much. i feel bad for my kid self. theres nothing i can do about it now. i dont want to get better. sure ill have some things ill do, some times, some moments where ill be able to pretend im actually not a total horrible person, like whenever ill grt accepted into taking horse riding lessons, listeing to mlp music, swimming with sharks, going shopping for lps, hanging out at the book store, and maybe even adopting a dog. i still want to die every day. i dont deserve to live. ive done too many bad things that i wouldnt hesitate to do again. i just want to try everything i want to try so i can experience everything i love to the fullest. im going to sleep now, its 2am, i hope i have no dreams because i mostly have nightmares. goidnight my little ghost account journal.