vancouverismydivision

[vancouverismydivision]

It had been a simple letter. Only a few words. But he'd rewritten it so many damned times he'd had to take a moment and go outside and calm down a bit before he could finally string together the words he wanted. Rupert was steadily making progress. The activities of daily life were falling back into place and once he and Nate agreed that he was dealing well with reality again, he'd sat down to ask his wife to come home.

She was staying away for both their sakes, but he missed her. In his conversations with Nate, he'd come to realize that, having relied on his mum for so long, that he hadn't really made the transition to relying more on Katie than on her. They weren't even married a year yet. Normally that would have happened over time but with his mum going so suddenly, it threw him off more than it would have if it had come at a later time.

His mum was gone. He couldn't bring her back and instead of clinging to the past, he had to look forward to the future. One of the things he'd done was put the information on the table about adoption. He wanted something concrete to look forward to, something hopeful.

Hearing the doorbell, he walked over and pulled the door open. He didn't speak, couldn't speak in that moment when he laid eyes on her. Rupert wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close to him. He never wanted to let go of her again.

Going Home (Katie+Rupert)

It had been a little over two months since Katie had moved out, however the last month Rupert had shown a lot of growth and improvement. They’d had several date nights since he “woke up” as she was referring to it (since she didn’t really have any other way of describing what had happened), and Katie was starting to see hope in their future again. Rupert had been seeing his therapist fairly regularly, and she’d even managed to go back to hers periodically.

She came back from work one day and stopped at the concierge desk of the hotel she was staying at to gather her messages. He handed her a small envelope and she smiled kindly, thanking him before heading upstairs to her room. Once she was inside, she set her things down and opened the envelope, recognizing her husband’s familiar handwriting immediately. It was a note she knew must have taken a lot of effort for him to write, simple as it was. 

“I miss having you here, Katie. This isn’t home without you. Please…come back. Xoxo Rupes”

Tears immediately stung Katie’s eyes, and without a second thought, she began packing. She was more than ready to share her bed with her husband again. 

A little over two hours later, Katie was sitting in the car, staring at the front door. She eventually took a deep breath and climbed out. Reaching into the boot of the car- damn Rupert’s influence on her vocabulary- she grabbed her suitcase and walked to the door. She lifted a shaky hand and rang the doorbell, waiting for Rupert to answer.

[vancouverismydivision]

"Tonight's fine by me." Rupert replied. She obviously did want to see him. In his mind, that boded rather well. There was no reluctance there or a "maybe in a few days". He found his slacks, which hadn't seen the light of day in some time and he laid those out next to the shirt. "I'll give them a buzz and make a reservation for six, if that gives you enough time to get ready."

He knew his wife, knew she'd probably want a bit of time to get gussied up. It was still unnerving, to realize that he'd just been sitting about for almost two months. That was time he was never going to be able to get back. All he could do was try to press forward and make whatever came ahead as full as possible. He was going to try his best, that much was certain.

If I Needed Someone (para)

[vancouverismydivision]

Rupert thought for a moment. He wanted somewhere familiar and a thought occurred to him. "How about Busara?" It was the Indian restaurant that Katie had taken him to for their first date. They hadn't been back in some time and it would be nice to start picking up the pieces of them in a place they both enjoyed.

He still needed to shave and get ready, but that was easily done. As he waited for her response to his proposal, he got up and went into their room. Rooting around, he found a shirt that she'd gotten for him not too long after they'd gotten married. It was cool enough outside to wear now so he set that out to wear.

If I Needed Someone (para)

[vancouverismydivision]

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Katie. I checked out on you. I was a zombie for almost two months." Rupert sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. "I'm surprised you even still want to speak to me. I missed so much and that wasn't fair to you. I didn't know how to deal with Mum passing and I instead of treading water or trying to swim, I sank like a stone."

He sucked in a steadying breath. "I want to see you. Only if you want to, though." He was hoping like hell she would say yes. He didn't want her memories of him to continue to be him sitting on the couch watching mindless television while she was still having to live her life. He'd abandoned her in his grief and that wasn't okay.

He understood her walking away. If she'd stayed, he only would have brought her down too and he loved her far too much to ever want that. At least now, with Nate's help, he was dealing with what happened to his mum in a far healthier way. He had some new tools now, new ways to think of things. He just hoped he wasn't too late to save his marriage.

If I Needed Someone (para)

[vancouverismydivision]

"I'm not perfect but I'm a lot better than I was." he answered in his usual honest and straightforward fashion. "Martin got me to a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. He put me on Lexapro and it's like I'm in a completely different world now." He was quiet for a moment before a sentence came out before he could even think about it. "God it's good to hear your voice..."

He had to breathe for a moment before continuing. "I thought about calling sooner but I was still so spacey and you'd already been through enough of that. I wanted to be in a place where I could really talk to you." Rupert had to reach up, brush a few droplets of water from his cheeks.

"I have no idea how to even begin making this up to you." he said softly. "I don't even know if you ever want to see me again, but I still love you. Even if you weren't able to feel that. I'm sorry, Katie."

If I Needed Someone (para)

[vancouverismydivision]

He had almost chickened out as the phone rang, every ring adding to his tension. Rupert was about to hang up when she answered. It caught him off guard for a moment, but he was able to collect his thoughts and speak. He didn't know how this was going to be received.

"Hullo Katie...it's me." he said softly. His left hand was clenched into a fist on his knee as he waited to hear what she had to say. Even the sound of her voice was making his eyes water a little bit. It had been too long since he'd really been present enough to appreciate it.

If I Needed Someone (para)

[vancouverismydivision]

If I Needed Someone (para)

Today...had actually been a relatively good day for Rupert. The sun was out and he'd actually voluntarily left the house, walking around the backyard. The plants would be on sale soon and there was a back garden to figure out. But in order to do that...

He needed Katie. From what Martin had said, she was staying in a motel. If she couldn't face the sight of him, he could understand that but he needed to talk to her. At least try and attempt to find out what she was thinking. He'd checked out of the world for so long that he wasn't really surprised she wanted to go.

If that was what would make her happy, he would let her go. Sinking down on a chair on their balcony, he fiddled with his phone. He'd cleaned out so many voice mails, texts, e-mails...it was frightening to realize just how out of it he had been. It was almost like it had happened to another person. 

Swallowing down any nerves, he scrolled through his contacts, selecting the number he needed and hitting "call", wondering if she would even pick up or not.

[vancouverismydivision]

The Ice Is Slowly Melting (self para)

The alarm buzzed and Rupert sat up slowly, blinking. It had been a few days now since Martin had burst into the house, making him get into the shower before taking him to meet someone called Nate (a therapist). They had talked and Rupert had been referred to a psychatrist who, upon hearing his story, immediately got him on some medication.

But he and Zoloft hadn't gotten along too well, so he'd been switched to Lexapro and little by little, the fog around his world was lifting. He'd found Katie's letter and for the first time in weeks...he'd actually cried. Nate had called it progress because before, he would have been too numb to even feel the pain of his wife not being there.

He didn't hold that against her, though. He'd been a zombie and he didn't know how she'd held on as long as she had. He wanted to call her, wanted to ask her to come home but he still had some work to do. 

Shuffling into the kitchen, he turned on the radio for the first time in months, actually whistling with the song. It was one of his favourites, "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles. He got himself something to eat, aware of how silent the house was and that he was lonely. Feeling something was progress and he hoped that he would be able to keep moving forward and putting this behind him.

[vancouverismydivision]

Just One Step (Self Para, tw for suicidal thoughts)

He pushed himself up off the sofa, knowing that he hadn't showered in at least 3 days. He should. That was what normal people did. They did things like get up and go upstairs and use the shower as a civilized human being. The steps from the basement to the kitchen felt like a thousand and by the time he'd reached the second story where their master bedroom was located, it felt like he'd been going for a million.

But still. Here he was. Everest had been scaled for the moment. He got into the shower, scrubbing his hair and body hard as though physically trying to cleanse himself of the malaise that pervaded almost every waking moment. The familiar sense of despair began to settle in. He was useless. Just a lump, a shell that was shying away from the pain that he was trying so hard to avoid thinking about or feeling. Katie deserves more than this he thought as he hung the towel up on the rack. She deserves a better husband, a better man than me.

A clean tee was pulled over his head and he actually opted for a pair of sweat bottoms instead of just his boxers as had been his fashion for the last few days. He was scruffy but shaving was something he couldn't muster any enthusiasm or energy for. That would have to wait for another day.

He glanced out toward the balcony, a feature of the house they'd both loved and the little voice in Rupert's head taunted him. Why not make things easy? You know anything would be better than this. Why not do it now while she isn't here to stop you? Maybe she wouldn't even try. Just one step. That's all you need to take.

His hand was on the doorknob leading out before he sucked in a sudden breath, shaking his head slowly as though the physical action would clear it. No. He wasn't going to do that, no matter how tempting it was. He couldn't do that. It went against everything his mum had ever taught him and even now he wouldn't dishonour her.

Shuffling back to his place in the basement, Rupert pulled a blanket over his head almost like a cowl to keep his head warm while his wet hair dried and he reached for the television remote. He'd almost watched all of Corner Gas.

[vancouverismydivision]

He closed his eyes for a moment, his right hand cradling his head. Decisions. His head was a mess of thoughts and he couldn't sort them out enough to know what he wanted. He knew that Katie needed him to answer and even that small amount of pressure was making him anxious. Was there a right answer? Something he was supposed to say and might get wrong? He took a sip of his tea before his left shoulder rose and fell in a shrug. It was a nonverbal answer, but at least it was some kind of answer. Silence was an old friend by now, something that didn't bother him like it used to. There were different kinds of silence, he'd learned. The silence when everything had just been turned off and there was still a faint hum of electricity in the air. There were also silences of pain, and regret, and loss. Rupert was an expert on those now. The kind of silence now, with Katie, was tense. She wanted to fill the void with words but there weren't any that fit. So there they sat, him locked away in a stone tower of darkness and she the person who didn't have the key to the door.

Say something (Katie+Rupert)

[vancouverismydivision]

Rupert ached. Inside and out, all the time. It wasn't even anything he could explain to someone. So when Katie's hand settled on his hip, it was like someone pressing on a bruise and he shrank away slightly from her touch. He knew she didn't mean to hurt him though. Some dim part of his mind knew this wasn't normal. Knew he shouldn't be up all night and sleeping during the day. It was like there was a shadow over his head that he couldn't get out from under, no matter where he turned. He gave her a weak smile as he accepted the tea. Food wasn't that appealing but she'd gone through the bother so he could force it down. The mug was warm against his chilly hands and he savoured it. He froze slightly when Katie asked him how was he. A simple question and he couldn't even begin to answer it. What did he say? What words were there? He didn't know. He didn't have any answers and he looked at her for a moment, brow furrowed as if he'd been asked the equation for nuclear fission before shaking his head wordlessly, turning back to his tea.

Say something (Katie+Rupert)

It had been several nights since the Speed Date event with Karen, and Katie still found herself feeling guilty, even though she’d not had a clue what was happening. Drawing a breath, she climbed out of bed and saw Rupert’s side of the bed was still made, which meant he’d spent another night in the basement. She pulled on her robe and put her slippers on, making her way down to the kitchen and started to make a light breakfast.

She figured if Rupert hadn’t joined her in bed, chances were he hadn’t eaten, either. She made toast and eggs before brewing some coffee, carrying a tray with two plates and two mugs down to the basement.

Settling the tray onto a coffee table, she gently sat next to Rupert, her hand on his hip as she gently shook him, hoping to wake him up. “Rupes?” she asked in a quiet sing-song voice. “It’s morning time, time to wake up” she said, leaning over her husband and kissing his cheek softly. She felt him stirring and smiled, sitting up slowly. 

"Good morning handsome," she said, trying to have an air of normalcy around her. "I made breakfast" she said, reaching for their coffee mugs, handing him one after he’d sat up properly. "How are you?" she asked, hoping he’d actually talk to her for once.

[vancouverismydivision]

Cupid In The Dumps (Self Para)

It wasn't until Rupert was watching the 11 o'clock news that he realized what the date had been. Valentine's Day. The 14th. Fuck. He'd really dropped the ball. Seeing the presents Katie had left for him when he left the basement and made his way upstairs made him feel even worse. He'd claimed the downstairs as pretty much his domain when they'd gotten home. He'd taken some of his mother's things down there as they'd arrived and now he spent the evening and early morning hours watching tv and then falling asleep on the couch, wrapped in one of the afghans she'd quilted. Getting up, wanting to do anything was hard. Had he even showered today? He couldn't remember and it was late. Katie needed to sleep. He would do that tomorrow. His glass was sitting where he'd left it and once he'd gotten a drink of water and filched some Pop Tarts from the cupboard, he went back downstairs, rewrapping himself in the blanket. He'd failed miserably at being a good husband. Tomorrow would have to be better.

[vancouverismydivision]

An alarm cut through Rupert's slumber and he sat up obediently. It was half past 9 and they would be leaving soon. Slowly, he shuffled off into the shower and got himself clean, not bothering with shaving today. Wasn't that important, really in the grand scheme of things. While Katie got prepared for the day, Rupert packed up his things and made sure everything was zipped up and in place. He took a seat on the bed while she showered. He'd walked a lot more television and read more books in the last few days than he had in ages. It just seemed to be about all his mind could handle and he couldn't believe that he was actually enjoying Coronation Street for once. It was ridiculous and high drama but almost oddly engrossing. He wondered who the father of Caroline's baby was and if he was going to be able to finish watching this online when they got home.

Homeward Bound (Katie&Rupert)

[vancouverismydivision]

Homeward Bound (Katie&Rupert)

The last of his mum's things had been boxed up and it was time to return to Vancouver. Rupert didn't know that he'd ever really want to come back to the UK again. He would if he had to work there, of course but as far as it being home? He wasn't really too sure. His feelings might change in the future and they might not. He would have to wait and see. He was looking forward to being home. His sleep patterns were starting to get off. He'd be awake until the early hours of the morning and then sleep in quite late. It wasn't normal and he knew that. Hopefully being back at his and Katie's home would be good and he could get back to his usual routine. She'd been a rock for him, his wife and he appreciated it more than he could ever really tell her. Several boxes would be arriving in Vancouver and he'd need to figure out where to put the things of his mum's that he'd kept. Feeling the familiar pressure behind his eyes as all of the things that he still needed to do when he got home started tumbling around in his head, he shut his eyes. He only found peace in sleep these days.

[vancouverismydivision]

Time To Say Goodbye (Self Para)

The dirt was still slightly damp in his fist and he could feel it clinging to his skin even when he tossed the handful on top of the coffin that held his mum's body. It was traditional, that gesture and as her only child it fell to him. Rupert didn't have any brothers or sisters, any one he could really expect to understand. Katie had been fantastic with helping him get the arrangements taken care of but this grief was truly his burden to bear. Stepping back, he gave a nod and the workers began to fill the wide hole in the ground in. If only it was so easy to fill the gaping void in his heart. He'd known for a long time that his mum wasn't going to live forever. He was in his early 50's and it was to be expected. But if there was one thing he'd learned from all this, it was that death could never truly be perpared for. The day was surprisingly clear, something he knew his mother would have appreciated. No rain today on the day he said goodbye to her. His eulogy had gone over well, and he'd been pleased to see so many people show up to pay their respects. Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss had shown up, something he hadn't been expecting. Rupert was grateful for their support though. The retirement village where his mum had spent her last few months had sent two busloads of her friends and neighbors over and after the service itself, they'd shared their own memories of her with him. She had been a special woman and seeing all of those people there reminded him that his wasn't the only life she'd touched. The darkness he felt at the edges of every waking moment was there but for right now, he could fight it. Keep it at bay. Keep the waves of pain from sucking him down into the undertow and holding him there. Today was his mum's day and he wasn't going to forget that.

[vancouverismydivision]

The Tide Shifts (Solo Para)

Eulogies. Hardest damned things in the world to write, but Rupert wanted to do this, had to do this for his mother. Nobody had known her as well as he did and he wasn't about to let some stranger talk about her. No, this job was his and his alone no matter how difficult it was for him to choose the words that he wanted to say. His pen moved slowly over the paper as he lovingly transcribed memories of her from when he was a boy up until the day he'd gotten engaged. His mum's hand had been in a lot of the important moments of his life. That was why her passing was leaving such a hole in his life. Rubbing his forehead, Rupert forged ahead and when he felt like he was finished, he was surprised to find that he had filled five pages. Some of the fog seemed to lift. He had been able to do it. A bottle of water was at his elbow and he uncapped it, taking a drink. Katie must have left it for him and he felt a surge of affection for his wife. She had been amazing the last days. The only thing they needed to do now was go through her things and then the funeral. Taking out his phone, he texted her to let her know that he was taking a cab over to the storage unit. The key was in his pocket and when he unlocked it, he was glad to see that there wasn't a lot of stuff in there. Some of it was his father's and he delt with that quickly. His mum's things on the hand...that took more time. She'd asked in her will for a few things to be given to certain people and these he set aside with care. The rest of it would be collected and given to a charity shoppe that his mum had shopped at often. He inhaled, putting a hand on his chest. It felt like there was a physical hole there but he couldn't stop now. He was getting things done and it felt...good. Patting his grimey forehead with a tissue, he closed the unit up for the day. He would be back tomorrow to allow the truck to take the left over things away.

[vancouverismydivision]

Katie knew this was a tough time for her husband, so when he recommended the Vietnamese place, she nodded softly. Reaching for his hand, she walked out of the restaurant with him and towards his car. “I think I remember how to get there,” she said, sliding into the driver’s side. She’d gotten used to driving on the wrong side rather quickly, but the fact of the matter was she didn’t have a choice. Rupert was just going through the motions right now, she didn’t trust him to drive.

She easily navigated through the streets of London, having learned the easiest ways to get from point A to point B whenever she visited with Rupert before. Soon she was pulling up to the car park across from Pak’s restaurant. Climbing out, she waited for Rupert to join her before hitting the lock button on his key fob and headed inside. 

Katie saw Pak’s eyes light up as he recognized she and Rupert, but his face fell when Rupert’s dead stare didn’t even recognize Pak. She leaned closer to Rupert and whispered, “I think Pak’s coming round to talk to us.” Sure enough, the short Vietnamese man rounded the corner, pulling Katie into a hug before shaking Rupert’s hand. Katie returned the hug before stepping away, letting the two men talk for a moment, distracting herself with the menu.

Rupert came out of his shell a bit more when he started talking to Pak. The Vietnamese man offered his sympathies and he nodded. "It's been...a whirlwind." he sighed and Pak clapped him on the shoulder. "You'll be fine." he said wisely before motioning Katie to follow them to a quiet table in the back. Rupert was grateful for his friend's thoughtfulness and as he began to look over the menu, some of the stony expression on his face was melting a bit. "Can't decide what I want." he mused. "Everything looks good and I think I could devour a cow right now." His stomach was protesting at the lack of food and he knew he needed to get brekkie and lunch in tomorrow. "Do you know what you're having?"

Robotic Nature (Katie+Rupert)