valotar

[valotar]

here's the picture:

a piano bench that's too small for two and the rain outside that doesn't exist.

the idea you have of me is so different from who i used to be that for a moment, there is only this one version of me and i am singing.

i don't know if i'm any good at this but you lean on me anyway.

[valotar]

there's always been something dislodged in my chest and i'm not sure i know how to be a person like everyone else, my heart's just always a little to the left of it, you know, and i'm used to it, i know how to navigate this, but i'm alone in here and it's getting tiring and i just want a break, i think. i want things to feel okay.

[valotar]

i know! i know we're all just human and learning to live but i don't want to stumble and crawl through this! i want things to be easier and clearer and lighter to hold! i don't want to feel like this, i want to breathe my lungs full and be okay!!

[valotar]

do you get it. do you understand. we're all here living for the first time ever and it's all so big and so small at the same time.

i want to just be here. just be a person for a while, part of this earth, and not think too much.

[valotar]

i don't think i'm a perfectionist, but there's this dark gaping hole just under my lungs, caving in, and i can't feel my fingers, and will they still want me if i mess up? if i don't get it? i've made mistakes, and i know we all do, but what if this is the one that breaks the camel's back, you know? what if it's all just waiting to snap. and maybe i'm comparing myself to the wrong people but what if i'm still just struggling to stay afloat. and i swear i'm trying i'm doing the best i can at the moment but what if that's just not enough? i know it doesn't make sense when i type it out but what if i make a mistake and they decide they don't want me around anymore. what if i just disappoint everyone. what if i'll never understand? what if i'm just never good enough. and i know that's not really a thing but i still feel like my chest is caving and i don't know if life is supposed to be this hard and i just want to be better

[valotar]

fine. i thought that maybe this year i could keep the herbs alive through the winter but it's barely october and they're all dead. i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong. i got a special lamp. i'm trying not to overwater. most days i'm still struggling to be real, i think.

[valotar]

i've been mistaken for being siblings with some of my best friends and i think that's the highest compliment i've ever gotten. see, this is the life i wanted; warm-lit house with the door open and enough soup for everyone. naturally falling into step next to each other. breathing at all the same intervals when laughing. it feels familiar, like my soul knows this. like this is how it's supposed to be.

[valotar]

this month, my apartment smells like apples from trees that i've never seen. a friend brings over a bag of them, saying i got you a few. i get a message from this-one-relative-i-haven't-seen-in-ages asking if i want any, she has trees in her garden that are overflowing. a friend-of-a-friend gets some from her neighbor and leaves them in the office for everyone to take, and i make a pie of them the next day.

and i just. i know the world is sort of falling down around us, but i have this bag of apples now. and everyone i know gets some and we trade them over the coffee table and for now it's okay, you know? here, want some squash, too? you can make soup. we can listen to the rain fall.

i just think this is how it's supposed to be, you know? my friends around the table for soup and fresh bread. herbs fresh from someone's garden. apple pie from apples someone's friend-of-a-friend had too many of and just wanted to share.

[valotar]

my friend comes back with a cancer diagnosis and i make her tea and cut her hair because that is what we've always done and what else can you do? it's just another tuesday. time keeps moving. the leaves are turning red again. we both have trains to catch and the water is getting cold.

[valotar]

it's the way we start moving as one entity without saying anything or even looking at each other the second they hand us the puzzle. of course this is what we do; this is what we do. we're each thinking half the thought.

it's the way we know where to meet without agreeing on anything. it's my oldest friend still being able to guess what i'm thinking from half a glance and me knowing what she means before she's even started the sentence, even when we haven't really seen each other in years.

it's being sent pictures of every wild animal any of my friends see. it's the you won't like that so i got this for you instead. it's your roommate throwing me the keys from the kitchen window in the middle of the night and me knowing where you keep the extra sheets. it's being able to breathe in a way we never could in that small town and realizing that we don't have to hide anymore.

i think i spent my childhood in a shell. and sometimes i'm worried about what if none of my friends really know me, you know? but they do;

they do.

[valotar]

you clean the blood off my hands and i don't think this is a metaphor.

you don't flinch.

you sit with me.

and you wait.

[valotar]

i don't really know how to wrap my hands around the ache of i didn't know what i was missing before but this is so lovely that it hurts.

it probably shouldn't feel this big, and i think that's a part of why it hurts.

because now there's this hole in my chest. because i didn't know people like this existed, not really. that homes like this existed. that anything could be this simple.

and now i want it, and it feels like my outlines are caving in.

because i never had anything like this, and now i can feel the void of it.

[valotar]

every year, i forget the light. the never-ending summer nights and golden sunsets and the warmth. the birds. the wildflowers. i forget how alive it all is, how sweet the fruits get, how much time we have.

and then it seeps in like honey over my bones.

like-

oh. here it is.

welcome home.

[valotar]

the sunshine is starting to slip in again. the birds are back for the summer, we inhale at all the same intervals when laughing, it's calm here, and

everything comes alive again.

[valotar]

here,

see,

this is what it looks like,

behind my eyes.

can you see it?

do you feel that emptiness between each heartbeat, that echo?

do you understand?

[valotar]

listen.

this far up north we only get fresh produce a few months out of the year. i look forward to fresh-corn-season more than any national holiday, or my birthday. all the fruit is soggy most of the time, it comes from across-the-ocean, so what did you expect? everyone knows all the grapes in the store are rotting this time of the year. all the imported oranges were dry this year, and i don't know why.

i did not realize how bland our fruits were until i spent a week in france.

stuff tastes like so-much-more there, you know? like the sun.

i did not realize

how little i've been thankful for.

i did not realize how low the bar was.

you never really know what you're missing until you know, you know? the this-here flavor instead of something hollow. the sudden spot in the world you didn't realize was there for you. sleeping well. being wanted. being seen.

you don't know what you were missing until you get a taste for it. and then -

and then you never stop wanting it.

[valotar]

i want a house with moss on the roof and time to sit in the sun. i want a warm bed and someone to drink tea with. i want wildflowers and thin curtains and fresh bread in the mornings.