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“Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for your happiness.”

(via naturaekos)

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#81:200 - Mångata by  If You Leave Showcase

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Quaranthings (Deinycole)

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I made a cover! Have a listen!

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i fuckin see u there dexter go back to ur own goddamn show

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Breathless

I always ask myself, “Is it just a season of depression that will end next year?”

I actually never thought I would be experiencing these things. A lot has happened before in my life that have made a huge impact on me, but this year is just too much and it’s something else. Everything that I’ve been through this year definitely masked out the pain of what I’ve had before, but not in a good way. What is being shown and offered to me now is definitely more worse. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but I will try my best. I’m not sure if it’s just because of all the negative and painful things that’s been happening in my life right now (since 2019 started) (I really hope so), and I’m already losing strength and patience.

There are nights where I just sit in my room, and get weirdly confused by the fact that ‘silence’ could actually be really loud. That tingling ringing sound in your ears, is still ‘unexplainable’ to me. Every morning, I’m no longer looking forward for something that will keep me up and sane, and will make me stand from lying down. Am I just not motivated enough? Or just completely lost interest in what I’m doing? To the fact that I just stare on the ceiling and become so unaware of the time that’s been continuously wasted. I no longer have any appetite at all. I get hungry sometimes, but not like before that I really take the time and effort to find for food that would satisfy my cravings and my hunger. I could honestly go on days without having any proper meal prepared for myself. I get so anxious and insecure about how I look and honestly, I just stop trying. Silence scares me more lately, to be honest. After work, I know and I’m aware that I have to get myself in the shower and clean up myself, or at least brush my teeth, wash my face with soap and water and change my used clothes, but everything just feels so heavy. I always take hours to get myself inside my shower room. Having my own pacing from 10pm ‘til 5am in the morning, before I take a shower so I could already fall asleep and be ready for the morning, is pretty normal now. I don’t know why taking showers before going to bed could be a huge burden to me now. Having chest pains could be so painful. Literally my chest feels so compressed and heavy most of the time. I’m not really sure anymore if it’s an anxiety attack or I’m just panicking, but because of what?? But why though? I don’t know why. I’m not sure if I already have a heart problem but because of what? I also cry most of the time by myself, soooo so so easily without any reason at all. It’s crazy and ironic because for my family and friends, it’s most unlikely to happen to me. Everyone knows me as someone who is funny and  dramatic, but not like this.

I’m not happy. I’m not happy of what I am. I’m not happy of who I am. I’m not happy of where I am. I’m not happy of what I’m doing. I’m not happy. I don’t know if I’m doing things for myself that will serve me goodness and purpose, or I’m already/just being forced to live? Omg that’s sad? I no longer feel like I’m living anymore, but I’m just being pushed and pressured, so I could live. I also don’t want to bother anyone with how I feel right now, and of what I am right now, because to be honest, this is my own battle that I should be facing alone.  I feel numb most of the time. I could still move my joints and my body, but this kind of numbness is like a feeling of not being able to breathe normally or properly. I feel like I need a suction that could suck out all of these unnecessary  pain and compressed pressure in my chest and in my heart. It’s sad because in times like these, I automatically come to the Lord’s presence, but even that, I’m already having a hard time to look up to Him in times of such tortures. A lot of people have already left me, and about to leave me, and I don’t know anymore if it’s because of me, of who I am right now, or they can already see how dark and empty my life is right now. I’m not happy.

I lost interest on all things that used to give me happiness and excitement. Like going to the gym, and getting fit? Before, I was so motivated to reach my goal, but now I just lost complete interest about it and I just completely ignore anyone else’s comments/opinions about how I currently look.

To end this note, I really thought after graduating from college, I could finally be free and I could feel this genuine happiness because all of my sufferings can finally be flushed away, but man, I’m wrong. What I’m experiencing right now is much much worst and I hope I could still go back to having minimal problems before THIS. I really thought I already had it worse, but I’m definitely experiencing far more worse now. I try my best to be someone else’s strength and anchor, but I don’t know if I could still do it and last long. Maybe if someone could sympathize with me or at least be there when I just want to feel like I’m at least being needed, maybe I can make it. I honestly don’t know where to get my strength from anymore. It’s completely draining me. I really hope I could find my purpose soon. The reason why I’m here and what this is for.

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It is a lonely feeling when someone you care about becomes a stranger.

Lemony Snicket (via goodreadss)

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Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

Robert Tew (via amargedom)

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by Mojo Wang

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