uwuhomo

[uwuhomo]

I have been feeling so fucking bad for too long

It was going so well

I know that shaming or blaming myself wont help at all but I am at least a little dissappointed at myself, or life or something idk

Maybe last summers work was too much? Maybe my meds just are bad? Maybe I am autistic and can't handle change so starting uni feels so difficult

It has been getting worse for so long

Now I think about not living everyday I think. I feel so bad about myself and so many things make me feel this way.

I think in a wrong way. I am disgusting and weird and everyone thinks like that about me. I do things wrong. I don't do enough.

There are so many things I need to get done. Too much. I want a break from life. But what would I do then?

Also my self harm thoughts are resurfacing again. It is starting to feel hard to resist them, but I would feel so stupid and bad if I cut myself. But I have had self harm thoughts for the whole autumn. I have wanted to become addicted to drinking or smoking just so other people could see how bad I feel. That's quite pathetic, why can't I just say I feel like shit? Something inside me tells that others wouldn't take it so seriously and that's fucked up

Well umm some life updates haha,,,, don't know what to do

[uwuhomo]

Maybe changes are hard for me. Of course they are hard, but I have always thought they werent that big of a deal for me. I can handle starting high school and university. I am excited for new things, I am willing to learn. But when the changes hit, somehow it becomes almost unbearable. Maybe it's my new medicines fault.

Life just feels, i dont know, hard and not worth it for longer periods of time than before. I dont wanna say that I hate my body, but its fucking hard sometimes. Yeah I can tolerate what I look like but the inside. There are so many things happening and it feels like I dont know anything about that. Its a little weird thing to be anxious about, but its just so fucking depressing to not know why you are feeling a certain way. I know that you just cant know, you have to put in some work to understand your body. Ibdont know if im just lazy or tired but it just feels so impossibly hard to do that. Everything is so complicated and im not sure if im ready for all of this. I dont know what I should do.

[uwuhomo]

Im a boy. I am a boy. I am a dude. I am a man. Im a boy . Im a boy im a boy im a boy im a boy im aboy im a boy im a boy im a boy im a boy i am a boy

[uwuhomo]

I am proud of me for setting boundaries for myself

It feels hard because I feel like other people will be upset because of me setting boundaries

But I live for myself and if I want to do something else or have to do something I need to tell others that I cant hang with them

I dont need to bend backwards for the happiness of others

I live for myself

[uwuhomo]

Me: self sabotages

Also me: now I deserve some sort of prize for this shit I have gone through. Even though it was my fault.

[uwuhomo]

I have so big cheeks because my love is stored there and i have so much love to give

[uwuhomo]

Sometimes thinking of my gender makes me uncomfortable and anxious

Sometimes i just want to be a guy

Is this just something i do beacuse of my insecurities?

I just want to know am i ready to take testosterone

Do I want to be a man the rest of my life

[uwuhomo]

I think I am a boy.

It varies every day but usually i just would feel so much comfortable in a guys body

But i am scared that my opinion will change and i dont know,,,, its just relieving to get some answers but what if i don't feel comfortable

I should remember that I can change my identity and just go with my feelings

I shouldnt ask myself to feel a certain way

I want to just be

[uwuhomo]

Lord,,,, if youre somewhere out there,,, pls take my sweet craving feelings away,,,,,, i just want to eat something sweet all time,,, this is not healthy

[uwuhomo]

I think I realized something about my gender

Thay I really would be the most authentic me when I am in a mans body

I really want to be a feminine boy

But is that valid? It just doesnt seem right to me to be feminine and be a girl

And will I truly be satisfied with testosterone in my body? I don't think I will ever know

[uwuhomo]

Third day at school and the suicudal thoughts are already kicking in😀👍

[uwuhomo]

What if i cant study anymore

I remember when my dad said that everyone has their limits in brains and you cant go over your own limit

What if i have reached my limit? What if i cant learn anything in school anymore

What if I am too tired to study and be in school

What is my future going to be like

What do I want to do

I don't know

Do i have a future

[uwuhomo]

Mä oon nyt kokeilemassa nimee mitte :>

Mulla on vähä mixed feelings siitä mut se varmaan vaan johtuu siitä että en oo tottunu siihen

Mä oon ehkä transpoika, mä en tiiä

On vaan semmonen olo että haluan mun rinnat pois ja testosteroni kuulostaa myös hyvältä

Mutta tuntuu väärältä sanoa että oisin poika

Enkä tiiä onko se vaan sen takia et oon syntyny naiseks

Kaikki tuntuu nyt vaan tosi epävarmalta

[uwuhomo]

Viime talvena mä en yrittäny tappaa itteeni, mutta musta tuntu että mun elämällä ei oo mitään syytä enkä tienny miks mun pitäis elää

Mä olen satuttanu itteeni. Tätä on vaikee sanoo ja myöntää mutta mun on pakko sanoo tää. Mä olen pari kertaa veitsellä viiltänyt käteen. Mä en oo uskaltanu kertoo tästä kellekään. En edes mun psykologille.

Sanoin sille että on itsetuhosia ajatuksia ja mut laitettiin päivystykseen ja sielläkään en uskaltanu myöntää sitä. Sairaalassa käynnin jälkeen jotenkin tajusin miten paskasti kaikki oli ja että en haluu elää semmosta elämää ja jostain vitusta sain voimia yrittää taas. Ehkä en vaan halunnu taas siihen kuoppaan missä aiemmin olin.

Löysin syyn mun elämälle, vaikka se olikin vaan kaikkien mahdollisten oreo makujen maistaminen. Siitä kaikki onneks lähti ylöspäin. Nyt mulla onneks on kaikki yllättävän hyvin enkä ees tunne oloani kovin usein masentuneeksi.

[uwuhomo]

Mä haluan olla poika jonka nimi on Mitte.

Mutta mä en ole varma että olenko mä oikeasti semmonen tai tunnenko olevani poika

Mä vaan kyseenalaistan koko mun olemusta tällä hetkellä ja suunnilleen kaikki tuntuu väärältä ja turhauttavalta

Mut jos mä vaan annan asioiden olla

Kyllä se siitä

Tää selviää.

[uwuhomo]

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

[uwuhomo]

This is why I don't talk about my emotions with people I am not really comfortable with

Now my finnish teacher know how anxious I am an it makes me anxious

I don't know I just don't like this

I want to cry