user50163539 - Tumblr blog

[user50163539]

YALL I AINT PLAYING OMG

[user50163539]

girl what .. first pic was me 3 years ago & second pic was today ..

[user50163539]

i am eating so much. i don’t know why. i am not okay. i need to fast. but whenever i plan that i don’t want to eat i end up eating more than when i do plan to eat. i cant do this anymore. i have to fast.

[user50163539]

so i have been eating a lot recently & i did not hit my goal weight but my birthday. i have been a lot happier but my relationship with food is still rocky. i am not afraid of food anymore but there are certain stuff that i just can’t eat anymore because it brings back too many depressing memories LMAO. but i am going to do a fruit & veggie week where i only eat that. i also want to keep it under 900 cals for each day. i just really want my relationship with food to be healthy & start eating more nutritious foods. since i cut out sweets for literally a year & started eating them recently, that’s all i eat now. but i don’t over do it. i also want to start working out but i am going to stay working soon & i still have school. i don’t have a plan entirely but i just want things to get better.

[user50163539]

how do i break up with someone? boys ain’t shit.

[user50163539]

my birthday is in 6 days and i not some what close to 105. i need to be 105 by my birthday. time to save my meals for my birthday 💁🏻‍♀️

[user50163539]

i have become so dependent on my boyfriend. i literally don’t have anyone but him. & i feel like he is gonna leave soon. i am so lost. i lost myself. i have nothing to look forward to.

[user50163539]

feeling like how i felt in october 2020

[user50163539]

you deserve to eat. don’t torture your self during the holidays. you will regret not enjoying food with your love ones. everything will be okay.

I wish you all guilt free eating this holiday

[user50163539]

proudest moment :) hopefully christmas doesn’t ruin this

[user50163539]

this is how i looked in the morning but i just ate a affy tapple & beans & i have never felt so sick. i also had boba which made me really nauseous. i was doing so good this week. every time i eat i feel nauseous but when i don’t eat i still feel nauseous. i’m scared to gain weight this winter break. it took me so long to reach 114. i cant lose that. i’m also gonna sleep over my boyfriends for a week meaning i can’t wear my waist trainer to bed nor drink monsters in the morning to shit 😀. so i am going to eat maximum of 300 cals a day till tuesday & then see how it goes from there.

[user50163539]

i just want to get to ana so ed can stfu

[user50163539]

so i hung out with my boyfriend today & every time we hang, i always eat because he forces me. which is okay beacuse i really don’t eat throughout the week & if i do it’s less than 600kals & plus i see my my boyfriend every 2 weeks. i actually don’t feel guilty about eating well at least when i’m with him. but i scared to gain weight again. but for today, we went out to eat & i had the best time ever. this was the first time i have gone out to eat without knowing the kals of my meal & actually enjoyed my time with him.

though christmas is coming meaning i have to prepare for these two weeks:)

i will be 105 by my birthday.

[user50163539]

same

[user50163539]

sometimes i really hate myself for wanting to look dead. like i want to be dying. i want to look pale. i want my bones to stick out. i just want to be a decaying body.

[user50163539]

this has been the most hardest week of my life. i have aten so much. i hate my self.

i reinstalled my net diary & it some how saved my progress & holy fuck i would consume at least 850 per week .. not per day but per week 😄 oh god i miss those days.

so with that, i go back home tomorrow & i will for sure not consume anything food. then when i get home i will start a fast until the weekend (sunday 4) & start fasting again the following week. i plan to do this until christmas & new years.

i will also start working out because i reallt miss it :( but i need to be 105 by my birthday.

[user50163539]

i hate my self so much. i had a 200 calorie snack, 4 oreos(440 cals), about 1 1/2 cup of chips(300 cal), & a pickle(0 cals). plus about a cup dried cherries (honestly don’t know how many cals). i want to cry.