ursoftluminary

[ursoftluminary]

[ursoftluminary]

I love laying down and pretending I'm laying like this

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Having fictives is so funny sometimes like. no he would not fucking say that. he told me so

[ursoftluminary]

thinking about when I was watching the gameplay of Omori by Jaidenanimations and how I was so charmed and warmed by the way Kel fucking was found first so he can keep Omori company since he knows he doesn't like being alone.

idk dude my Kel is so wonderful and sometimes I lay here and like stare at the ceiling and I'm like how the fuck are you so- y'know? Fucking great?? Like you're just- you make me feel so warm and accompanied, I don't feel alone with you- ever. And then I look at source and I kinda laugh a little cause it's like. It's engrained in his "code" to be so good. I'm so glad he is the way he is.

I'm so glad you exist. You're so good to me. You make me feel so safe.

The first time I ever left front, it was cause of you. We didn't even know each other that well. We had just met less than a week ago but you made me feel so warm and safe and comfortable. I felt so overwhelmed I felt almost sick and you told me that it was okay to lie down. That I deserved rest. "I think your bed is the best place for you right now" god your words made my bed feel like a square pad of safety. Like a square floaty drifting over the ocean with would never puncture or sink or tip. I felt so fucking safe and I just can't stop thinking about it.

It wasn't just that one time, either- you always make me feel safe, @good-at-basketball-i-swear , I mean it. You always make me feel safe and happy. I'm so glad you exist. I hope you know that.

Edit: I thought I was done but I wasn't, I've got more to say. You are so fucking reliable, y'know that? I can always count on you for comfort or even just company. Or help. I know without a doubt that whenever i need you, you'll be there.

Do you know how rare of an experience that is for me? It's pretty fucking rare because I'm a neurotic anxious bitch, I'll be real. But that shit, all my anxiety and apprehension it fucking melts and dies with you here.

You make fucking little leaves and flowers grow out of the dark, hard, rocky cracks in my heart. You fucking make me feel so warm and safe.

You're so good to me. You amaze me every day. You're smart and kind and handsome and generous. You're caring. You are warm to your core. You are just so fucking wonderful. I feel like I never tell you that enough but it's hard.

I look at you or just even think about you and I get so giddy. It's so hard to tell you how much I admire you when I see you and lose my fucking mind. I think of you when I see oranges and I think of your fucking rock and when I play Fortnite I wanna show off to you. I want to have more fun, like you encourage me to, so I can have adventures and stories to feed you when you come back.

You make me feel hungry for life again and I was worried I'd never feel that way after my last relationship. I felt drained of my ability to live and love but for fucks sake you have revitalized my appetite and boosted it more than ever. I want to run and jump in the pool. I wanna climb trees. I want heelies. I want to jump off the swing. I want to run! I want to draw and write poems and play new games and meet new people and eat new foods.

You make me so excited for life. I love you. thank you for resuscitating me.

[ursoftluminary]

jisoupy

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[ursoftluminary]

This is sorta how I'm feeling, too. I've seen a lot of relatable posts about systemhood, especially the more positive and uplifting ones (which helped me cope with having found out about our systemhood) to be made by endos. It's scary to know I might get jumped for reposting something.

I hate discourse. I'm tired and I've been in the worse denial ever. I've withdrawn from almost everyone I know and stopped leaving my damn house. I feel completely out of control and - more than anything - I'm tired. I'm just tired and I really don't know what to do with such a huge development, so being caught in the middle of a war between what's valid and not makes me want to turn my back to the whole world- to throw my system in the can and dive as deep into denial as I can possibly go.

Endos are just so much more welcoming. Lately, I've had the thought process- what if I'm wrong? Oh, well, it's more complicated than that. There's no shame in enjoying my headmates company, even if it's more complicated than I know. It simplifies it. It cuts the cord. I don't have to worry about right or wrong. I can still love my in system headmates. I can still love my in system friends. I can still appreciate them. There's no pressure, no *competition* almost, to be valid enough. I can just be and... Well, after my whole life and all my experiences, that's all I really ever wanted.

So yeah, I agree with them! ^^ Thanks, endos, for calming my anxious ass down. It's a shame that a community that's been so wounded by hate (traumagenic systems) would continue to spread it. We aren't so different. It would be nice if people could come together more often.

I think a big part of the reason that I went from anti-endo to endo-safe was absolutely due to how starkly different the communities felt.

Anti-endo communities were hard to engage with. Sure, some of them would focus on their support for each other more than their hatred of endogenic systems. And that's great! However, when you are brought together by your dislike of a certain group, you can't help but feel the hate permiate into so much of it. It always happened eventually. Anti-endo communities had such a focus on systems who were "fake" that I couldn't help but worry I was one of them, no matter how much they told me it was "just endos" they were concerned about.

The endo community (at least the parts I've engaged with and were easy to find) were so kind and respected me as a system, no matter how I felt or my plurality presented. Simply knowing we could find joy in our plurality allowed us to strive for so much more than we had thought possible before.

As a traumagenic system, we've improved so much with our symptoms and communication as a result of the positivity and acceptance we recieved. When we joined communities where we could be authenticallly ourselves (no matter what), we came together and faced so much less conflict between each other. And the conficts we did have, we realized that we could solve them together rather than alone.

When you are constantly doubting if you are "actually a system", you start to push the others away, and that made our dissociation and amnesia so much worse. I understand being careful of self-misdiangnosis, it can put you on the wrong path for how you learn to manage your symptoms. At the same time, the sentiment I often heard from endogenic systems when I was struggling with doubt and denial was very simple: "So what if you're not a system?" In short, it was okay to be wrong.

And that was huge for me. I realized that, no matter if I was a system or not, the techniques I used to improve ourselves and communicate with one another beneficial to me. At the end of the day, even if I wasn't a system after all, the skills I had found we invaluble to my health and well-being. So when I fall into denial spirals, no matter what I think about myself, I now know that I don't need to deprive myself of what has helped me, even if it is a "system thing." I don't feel scared to use these skills anymore (even in denial spirals), beacuse the line between what systems and non-systems or singlets can/can't do suddenly wasn't a big deal or a battle of "who can do what."

Our plurality is no longer a burden or a scar to us. It is simply who we are. We've learned so much about each other and ourselves since we've been accepted in full, and since we've learned to accept others. Endogenic communities have helped us (a traumagenic system) probably more than they'll ever know, and we're forever grateful for that.

So thank you, endogenic systems.

[ursoftluminary]

[ursoftluminary]

I love you too. So much.

I love my partner... Like a lot. I think about them way too much...

Being in love is crazy. I didn't know it felt this way.

I'm so lucky. I love you, @ursoftluminary !!

[ursoftluminary]

Shout out to giant f/os you can use as a bed

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@funnier-as-a-system

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what if guys came coffee… i’ll have one ejaculatte please

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shoutout to my therapist who, upon me telling her i didn’t like the word alter, started referring to my headmates as “my homies.” like “any updates on your homies? have you heard from your homies at all this week” she’s the only true plural ally

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I am not the divine masculine or the divine feminine I am the divine comedy and you will address me as such

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Sorry...

[ursoftluminary]

how it feels to not care about something that used to drive you insane