21 yrs old | i like to talk | she/they | 18+ali | đ”đž
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Text
three's a crowd
Pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader x Joel Miller
Word Count: 9.9k
Rating: Explicit
Summary: Youâre in love with Frankie and he is in love with you, but you both have no idea how to act on it. Until Joel Miller comes along.
Warnings: friends to lovers | alcohol consumption | smoking | pining | jealousy | readerâs hair can get wet without it being an issue | Joel is kinda sleazy in this (but reader is very much into it) | mentions of cheating | protective Frankie | threesome m/f/(m) | a surprising amount of biting | the oral fixation in this is insane, Iâm sorry | itâs all about hands and fingers | voyeurism | semi-public sex | cuck!Frankie but also not really (guess youâll have to read it to find out what that means) | nipple play | (brief) fingering | (very brief) masturbation (m) | unprotected p in v sex | rough sex | spanking | orgasm delay | overstimulation | creampie
Notes: I started writing this fic in June and it was supposed to be a fun little summer thing and then stuff happened and now it's October - but here it finally is. There isn't really much I can say about it except that Dani @alexturner saved the whole thing by pointing out that the final fic wasn't really like what I had talked about while discussin the idea with her and after editing it, it's much, much better. I also had a lot of fun talking about Frankie's and Joel's backstory with you, Dani đ€ maybe I'll write that one day ...
âDâyou wanna fuck her, Miller?â
BEFORE
It must have been two years ago, or maybe it was three. Your hair was longer, you had just broken up with your boyfriend of five years, had just moved to a town where you didnât know a single soul. âA fresh start is what you need.â Thatâs what your therapist said to you when you cried your heart out after Derek dumped you and moved in with his new girlfriend a week later. But she hadnât been talking about this, moving halfway across the country, all the way from Maine, where the winters are cold and the air is always salty, to Texas, where it almost never snows and the tornado sirens make you run for cover.
Thatâs how you met Frankie, sweet, smiling Frankie. Your truck broke down in the grocery store parking lot and he jump-started it. He stuck out to you because he was wearing a pale blue baseball cap, bleached from countless summers under the hot Texan sun, and not a cowboy hat like all the other men around. You bought him dinner at that steak place that would become your favorite, and after three shots of tequila you opened up to him. He held you when you started to cry, took you home, slept on your couch when you asked him not to leave.
Youâve been friends ever since.
He showed you around San Antonio, he flew you to Enchanted Rock in a helicopter he rented, he even took you to Mexico where you found out he speaks Spanish fluently. He helped you fix the roof of your bungalow when it started leaking. You, in turn, took him to the cinema, made him watch horror movies that made him squeal, dragged him along to a rodeo, taught him how to ride a motorcycle when he told you he had always wanted to learn. The two of you just clicked. It felt right.
Now, after three years, you canât imagine your life without Frankie in it. You donât remember who you were before him, and you donât want to. Heâs your best friend, and youâre his. Where one of you goes, the other follows. And of course, people mistake you for a couple, of course they ask, âAnd what about your girlfriend here?â, they say, âYouâre lucky to be dating such a nice young fellaâ. You always laugh, correct them lightheartedly. But sometimes you wish they were right. You love Frankie as a friend, more than you ever thought you could love anyone, but sometimes you want more.
You almost got that more about a year after meeting Frankie. One of his friends, Santi, was in town, and you went out with a group before taking advantage of the hot tub that came with Santiâs motel. There were drinks involved, one thing led to another, and suddenly you found yourself straddling Frankie, wearing nothing more than a bikini, your fingers tugging on his curls, his hands roaming all over your body. It didnât go any further than that, and the next morning he dropped you off at your house with his usual, âSee ya âround.â He never talked about it and neither did you. He was probably regretting it and you didnât want to lose him over something like this, so you left it all unsaid.
He started dating someone soon afterwards, first Arabella, then Bessie, and you hated them both, even though they were probably decent women. Luckily, neither relationship lasted long because it hurt. You didnât tell Frankie, acted perfectly civil around them, but it felt as if your heart had been dropped from a great height and had shattered against the pavement. You had to ease that pain with a couple of meaningless one-night-stands but they couldnât take your mind off Frankie buried deep in another woman when it should have been you. And when you told him about Billy and Carson and Hank and Landon and Clara to provoke him to do something, he just shrugged it off and said, âIâm glad you had a nice evening.â
Frankie is single now, and so are you, and life is good. It isnât always easy, but itâs a far cry from how it was in Maine. Youâve made peace with the whole Frankie situation, realizing it might just be enough knowing youâre the most important person in his life, even if youâll never have him completely. This way, there also wonât be a messy breakup, hurtful things said in anger, actions you can never undo. Youâre content with being Frankieâs best friend, and that should be enough.
It's summer now, one of the hottest on record. The AC in your bungalow broke and Frankie wanted to help you fix it, but then he got busy at work. That was almost a week ago, and you use these circumstances as an excuse to hang out at Frankieâs place as much as possible. He doesnât mind. He has a big pool in his backyard that he always shares with you, and he loves your company. If you didnât know better, youâd think heâs putting off fixing your AC on purpose.
Youâre floating on your back, eyes closed, the sounds around you muffled by the water. Frankie is lounging in a chair by the side of the pool, resting in the shade after a hot day. Every time you glance over at him, his eyes are closed. That gives you the freedom to truly look, to see him how not many people are allowed to see him.
You take a deep breath and dive, floating weightlessly for a few seconds. Itâs so easy to imagine this to be your life, Frankie to be your boyfriend. If he were, nothing would be different. Youâd get to use your shared pool, watch him doze in the shade, help him prepare dinner later, laugh at his corny jokes ⊠Your heart squeezes when you realize you have all of that and still it isnât enough. Whatâs missing is riding him by the side of the pool, your bodies sticky with sweat. Whatâs missing is kissing his neck while heâs watching the brazier. Whatâs missing is knowing heâs yours and youâre his, come what may.
Thereâs a shadow by the side of the pool, and you scramble upwards, breaking through the surface with a gasp. âWhat?â you ask, smiling up at Frankie, shielding your eyes from the sun with your hand.
Frankie gives you a thumbs up. âJust making sure youâre not drowning.â
Youâre treading water as you say, âWould you jump in and rescue me if I was?â
He laughs. âIâm pretty sure youâre a better swimmer than me.â
âIâd make it worth your while.â You wink at him.
He lowers himself into a crouch so heâs closer to the surface of the water, closer to you. âHow?â
âEver heard of mouth-to-mouth?â
He laughs one of those laughs that comes from deep inside his chest and shakes his whole body. âLeave it to you to make saving someoneâs life sound sexy.â
âBut it is sexy,â you say emphatically. âImagine pulling me from the pool, your big, strong arms wrapped around me. I think youâd stay calm and collected; youâd know exactly what to do. Any woman who doesnât fall for you after that would be a fool.â
Frankie dips his fingers into the water and flicks some of it in your direction. You squeal and try to duck, but the drops still hit you in a quick shower. âShut up,â Frankie laughs.
You use your whole hand to try and shove the water back toward him. You miss. âStop it,â you tell him, no weight behind your words, a broad smile on your face.
âHey!â he shouts. âDonât make me come in there, young lady.â
He always makes you laugh when he calls you that, the air of authority he puts into his words. Youâre not that much younger than he is, but he always acts as if youâre 20 years his junior, while you have started calling him âgrampsâ to rile him up.
You propel yourself backward, away from him toward the opposite side of the pool. âYouâre too chickenshit.â
âOh, just you wait.â He starts to pull his shirt over his head, his cap that he always wears getting caught in the hem of the neckline. You really try not to but you canât help looking at his soft belly, the white skin such a stark contrast to his tanned arms. You wonder what it would be like to touch him, what sounds he would make in response to the difference in pressure, if you were using your nails or â
âAm I interruptinâ somethinâ?â
You donât mean to, but you squeal at the sudden appearance of a strange man next to Frankie. You were so preoccupied staring at your friend you didnât notice someone else approach.
Frankie lowers his shirt. His cheeks are slightly flushed. âJoel!â
You glance between the two men, but neither of them offers an explanation. Instead, a heavy silence settles itself over this already muggy afternoon.
Finally, the stranger, Joel, speaks. âIs this a bad time or â?â
âNo, no,â Frankie quickly assures him while you bite down a harsh, âYes, it isâ. Frankie runs his palms down his shirt, trying to smooth the creased fabric. âI just ⊠I had no idea you were in town.
âWell, I am,â Joel replies in a tone of voice that rubs you the wrong way. âI thought Iâd drive by, see if youâre home.â
Frankie glances at you, seemingly only now remembering your presence. âThis is Joel Miller,â he says in an oddly formal voice. âWe sometimes work together.â
âHi.â You raise your hand out of the water to wave at Joel, the smile you put on not reaching your eyes.
If you had to guess, youâd say Joel was older than Frankie by at least five years, maybe even ten. Heâs taller too, broad-shouldered where Frankie tends to fold in on himself. His graying hair is slightly too long, but his graying beard makes him look handsome, especially when he gives you a twisted half-smile as if heâs fully aware of what he just interrupted and is taking pleasure in your discomfort and annoyance. You want him to leave but with a clench of your stomach you realize you also want him to stay.
âShe your girlfriend?â Joel asks without pretense, nodding at you in a way that makes you clench your fists.
Frankie chuckles awkwardly, a sound you only heard a few times before and always hated. He lifts his cap with one hand to scratch his scalp, then shakes his head. âNo, weâre just friends.â
Joel shifts, rolls his shoulders ever so slightly. âNice to meet you, just friend of Frankieâs.â
Canât say the same about you, you want to say but if thereâs one thing you learned from your years spent in the south is that there is nothing more important than hospitality. âYou too,â you say instead, and start kicking the water, doing laps in the pool. If you ignore him, maybe heâll leave soon.
But Frankie opens a beer bottle for him and Joel sits down in the lawn chair next to him, taking a big swig. You try to ignore them as best as you can, but you canât keep your ears from straining to catch snippets of their conversation.
â⊠between jobs ⊠just a couple oâ nights âŠâ
â⊠go out tomorrow ⊠bar in town âŠâ
â⊠broke up with me âcause she ⊠her friend âŠâ
Sometimes Frankie laughs in a way he only does when he wants to impress someone. Usually, you can see it too, usually you admire the same people but there is something about Joel that makes alarm bells ring in your head. And you donât like the way Frankie behaves around him. You donât want to call it submissive because you hate that word, but it feels as if heâs putting up a front for Joel, not saying what he really wants to say, not doing what he really wants to do.
But then sometimes Joelâs eyes are on you, his gaze hooded, and he doesnât look away when you catch him staring. There is something in the brazen way he does it that makes you crave more, and youâre a little bit disgusted with yourself for wanting that. You donât know this man, and you donât like what you glimpsed so far, but when he asks, âAny chance of you joininâ us, sunshine?â youâre so very tempted to say yes.
âI wanna shower first,â you answer, pushing yourself up on the edge of the pool. Joelâs eyes immediately shoot to your chest while Frankieâs are glued to his bottle, his fingers busy picking at the label.
âDonât keep us waitinâ,â Joel says in a tone of voice that grates on you and makes you tighten your jaw. You want to flip him off, and he knows it too because he raises his half-empty bottle to you. You wish Frankie would say something, or at least acknowledge your presence, but a loose thread on his jeans has caught his attention now. Your chest tightens with annoyance and, even though youâre loath to admit it, hurt, and you huff at Joel before grabbing your towel and making your way toward Frankieâs house. You feel Joelâs eyes burn a searing mark into your back. Â
You have no right to feel the way you do, you tell yourself as you work shampoo into your hair. Frankie can be friends with whomever he wants to. This is his house and he can let himself be treated however he sees fit. And youâre not dependent on him to defend you against a jerk like Joel, you can manage that all on your own. Besides, itâs not as if Joel is going to be around for long, he will most likely leave after another beer or two, so there really is no reason for you to get so worked up about it.
And yet âŠ
You turn off the water with a quick jerk of your hand.
Stepping out of the shower, locating a fresh towel, itâs like second nature to you. You briefly bury the face in the soft fabric, inhaling the clean scent of Frankieâs detergent, a scent that will always bring you comfort. Then you pull one of the several dresses you keep at Frankieâs house over your head before using the towel to superficially dry your hair. It comes away smelling like him, which sends a pleasant shiver down your spine.
Youâve come to terms with it, you really have. Yes, you sometimes dream about kissing him, yes, you canât stop fantasizing about what the two of you would be like as a couple, but what you have is nice. And it feels like it should be enough, which should count for something, right?
âTook your sweet time in there, sunshine.â
You jump, only registering Joelâs presence leaning against the opposite wall as you pull the bathroom door closed behind you.
âThereâs a half bath next to the kitchen,â you tell him, avoiding his searing gaze. âYou know, if you need to go.â
You try to scurry down the hallway and back out into the garden, but Joel pushes himself off the wall and steps into your way. âI donât,â he answers. âI was looking for you.â
You sigh and look up at him, hoping heâll notice your mild annoyance. âWhy?â
âFrankieâs busy with dinner.â His gaze sweeps you from your damp hair down to your bare feet, widening as he notices your dress is slightly too tight at your chest. âAnd you look like good company.â Before you can come up with a snide remark, heâs two steps closer and his hand is suddenly resting on your waist, his palm hot to the touch even through the fabric. âYouâre certainly prettier.â
The sudden contact, his brazen approach catches you off-guard. Itâs been years since a man has treated you like this, and many years more since you were free to do with that whatever you wanted.
âCome on.â Why is his voice so low suddenly? âCat got your tongue?â
You roll your eyes. âN-â
But before youâre able to finish the second short sound, the thumb of his free hand is on your bottom lip and he starts to pull it down. âLet me check.â
Before your brain can consider all your options, you bite down on his finger, hard, out of reflex, drawing a hiss from him. He pulls back, steps away, shakes his hand. But that sleazy half-smile is still firmly fixed on his face. âOh, youâre a little fighter, is that it?â
You take a step closer to him in an attempt to intimidate him, but he doesnât budge. âI just donât like it when people touch me without my permission.â
âI bet that sweet little pussy of yours is tellinâ a different tale.â
âWhat the fuck is wrong with you?â You shove him, both palms hitting his chest, and he loses some ground.
He tries to snatch your wrist but youâre too fast for him. âCareful, sunshine. Donât irritate me.â
âWhy?â You push your chin forward in defiance. âWhat are you gonna do about it?â
âOh, I have some ideas.â Joel reaches for your waist again, but you manage to step back quickly. He balls his hand into a fist. âI just ainât sure youâd like them very much.â
âDidnât your mother teach you manners?â
âIâd like to teach you some,â he shoots back.
The sound of Frankie clearing his throat makes you jump. Heâs standing behind Joel, just inside the sliding door that leads into the garden, a cocktail shaker in his hand, an apron covering his chest. âDrinks are ready,â he announces, his voice tense. Then he turns around, leaving you to wonder how long heâs been standing there and how much he heard.
Your stomach curls tightly with shame. Not because of anything he might have overheard or because of anything you did, but because you liked the way Joel talked to you, you liked that he decided he wanted you and went for it. You liked being close to him, feeling his uninvited touch on your body, hearing him say those lewd things. And all the while you forgot about Frankie, for the first time in months.
Joel glances at you and some of the shame must show on your face because he says, âIf I kissed you right now, do you think heâd punch me?â
And just like that youâre back to feeling the slow grating of annoyance, like nails scraping down a chalkboard. âDonât flatter yourself,â you huff before pushing past him and stepping back out into the garden.
The evening light is softer now, the heat feels less oppressive. The sun has begun to dip toward the horizon, and Frankieâs shadow is long against the grass as he waits for you to rejoin him by the pool. You want to put on your brightest smile for him, want to show him how much you appreciate everything he is doing for you, but with him you never have to pretend. Your face lights up when you see him whether you want it to or not, your steps quicken, your heart feels full of happiness. Even someone like Joel canât ruin that, no matter how hard he might try.
âAll clean?â Frankie has a lopsided grin on his face and a martini glass in his hand. When you nod, he hands it to you. âI made it just the way you like it.â
âThanks, honey,â you tease and playfully kiss his cheek.
âThis oneâs for you.â Frankie hands Joel a tumbler full of amber liquid.
Joel raises an eyebrow. âJust whiskey?â
âYou seem like a whiskey kinda guy,â Frankie answers with a shrug before taking off his apron and hanging it over the backrest of his lawn chair.
âWhat are you having?â you ask, sitting down on one of the sun loungers Frankie keeps next to the pool.
Frankie lightly shakes his beer bottle. âIâll stick with this for now.â
You glance from him to Joel and then back to him as both men remain standing, clutching their drinks. âWell, this is nice and relaxing.â
âSorry,â Frankie mumbles and lets himself fall back into his chair. âLong day.â
Joel chuckles and steps forward, but instead of choosing the chair next to Frankieâs, he sits down on the sunbed right next to you. The rough denim of his jeans scrapes against your naked thigh and you scoot away from him, clearing your throat. Joel doesnât seem to have noticed; his eyes are fixed on Frankie.
âYou never told me you had a nice place like this,â he says, vaguely waving his hand at the pool and the manicured lawn. âI wouldâve come over much sooner.â
âWhere do you live?â you ask before Frankie can say something.
Joel chuckles before taking a sip from his whiskey. âYou know what would go great with this?â He pulls a crumpled pack of cigarettes out of the back pocket of his jeans, conveniently having to lean against you to retrieve it. You push back, refusing to make yourself small. He holds the pack out to you first, but you shake your head. He doesnât offer it to Frankie.
âShe asked you a question.â
Your eyes snap from the sight of Joel lighting a cigarette, the filter hugged firmly between his lips, to Frankie, who has his elbows propped up on his knees, a thumb and forefinger wrapped around the neck of the beer bottle, holding it precariously.
Joel takes a drag from his cigarette and exhales slowly. The smoke tickles your suddenly very dry throat. âI live here and there,â he finally replies. âWherever work takes me.â
âOkay, so where do you currently live?â you probe.
Joel waves his hand around. âYâknow âŠâ
âWhat he means to say is that heâs currently between houses,â Frankie clarifies, a slight tension in his voice you havenât heard before.
âOh, so youâre a bum?â Is Frankieâs face lighting up with satisfaction at your comment or are you only imagining that?
Joel takes another drag. âIâm whatever you want me to be.â
It was bad enough that he had no regard for your boundaries when Frankie wasnât right there next to you, but he canât expect you to just take it now that Frankie is this close. You try to stand up, but his hand closes around yours and pulls you back down next to him, the force of it making some of your drink spill.
âHey!â you protest loudly, but he only slings his arm around your shoulder.
âHis girlfriend just kicked him out,â Frankie goes on, pretending he didnât notice what just went down. âHe cheated on her with her best friend.â
âCouldnât have been a very good friend then.â You pick Joelâs heavy arm off your shoulders and let it fall down next to you.
Joel shrugs. âIf I see somethinâ I want, I take it.â
âMust be lonely, going through life with that mindset,â you observe, watching him as he stubs out the cigarette against the tiles surrounding the pool.
âDepends on what you want out of life, I sâpose.â
You glance up at the slowly darkening evening sky, currently a soft, darkening blue, then take a sip from your very strong martini. âAnd what is that?â you ask, watching a bird glide across the sky.
âDâyou wanna fuck her, Miller?â
AFTER
âYes.â It comes out rough and breathless and eager, and suddenly your blood is rushing in your ears. You have no idea when the evening shifted to this, but you suppose it was inevitable from the moment Joel walked in. You just didnât think Frankie would be the one to ask the question.
You glance at Frankie, sweet Frankie, who always respects you, always treats you like youâre royalty, and you see something in his gaze youâve never seen before, a sort of strangled curiosity, like heâs desperate to find out where this might go, but unsure if he can handle the way there. You smile at him, and you nod, and his pupils dilate immediately, setting your heart pounding. Thatâs all he needs from you, and all you need from him.
Frankie puts his beer bottle on a small table next to his chair, leans back, crosses one leg over the other, ankle resting against his thigh. âTough luck, pal,â he says, and next to you Joel stiffens. âYou can kiss her though.â
For a moment, youâre right back there in high school, a bottle pointing at you, your friend Ines grinning at you from across the circle, Billy licking his lips nervously. But youâre all grown up now, youâve played these games a million times, should know their rules by heart. Then why are your hands so sweaty?
Joel doesnât waste any time, doesnât even wait for you to turn toward him. His hand is already at the back of your neck while your eyes are still on Frankie, and his lips have found yours while youâre still trying to decipher the look in Frankieâs gaze. The kiss is rough, almost unpleasantly so, and you can taste the nicotine and whiskey on Joelâs tongue that claims your mouth with hungry licks. Joelâs whole body is pushing against yours, and you push back, pressing your chest against his, making his concentration slip briefly. You use this moment of inattention to gain the upper hand and bite his lip, less violently than you bit his finger but hard enough for him to inhale sharply. Maybe even hard enough to draw a little bit of blood.
Joel shifts, tightens his hold on your neck, and pushes up against you even more, like heâs trying to get you to lie down and submit to him. Resisting his efforts gives you a feeling of power youâre unable, maybe even unwilling, to control. Youâre still trying to come to terms with the newness of the situation, with the shift that has taken place, but you know exactly what you want, and that is not to give up one inch to Joel without making him work hard for it.
Joelâs hand is on your naked thigh now, tough callouses rubbing against smooth skin. Just like his kisses, it almost feels too violent, but then you remember Frankieâs hands roaming your body in that hot tub, the way the water hadnât managed to soften his skin. You remember how much you wanted him that night, and suddenly you wish Joel would touch you more.
As if he can read your thoughts, Joelâs hand is suddenly at the underside of your breast, cupping it through the fabric of your dress, his thumb finding the nipple so confidently as if he has touched you a million times before. Your body responds to the touch immediately and you lean into it, your lips parting in a stifled moan. The pad of his thumb rubs across your hardening nipple, rolls it through the dress and the bra youâre wearing, and you should push him away, make him feel like his efforts are futile and he has no effect on you whatsoever, but itâs been too long. Too fucking long. Youâre on fire, unpleasantly so, feeling like youâre burning up too fast, like the flames have barely touched you and youâre already turning to ash. You press yourself into Joelâs touch as your jaw slackens, and he grabs your breast and squeezes it roughly while pushing his tongue into your mouth with the sole intent of making you gag.
âHey!â Frankieâs voice is sharp, but when you flinch away from Joel and glance over at him, heâs still sitting in his chair holding his bottle of beer.
Your ears feel hot with shame as you refuse to acknowledge Joelâs presence and avoid Frankieâs gaze. Frankie was the one to suggest the kiss, Joel made the first move â then why do you feel such shame? Like youâve been caught cheating? Why do you feel itâs wrong to â
âWhat?â Joel asks, interrupting the spiral youâre about to slide down.
Frankie squeezes the neck of the bottle, his skin making a wet sound against the glass. âWe said kiss.â
Out of the corner of your eye, you see that sleazy smirk return to Joelâs lips. âAinât nothinâ wrong with a little second base.â
Frankie seems to consider this, his eyes fixed to the ground beneath his feet. You wish you could tell what was going on in his mind, but your heart is still racing like youâre being hunted for sport and your body is screaming for Joel to put his hands on you again, and all of that is too much to read Frankie.
Frankie holds out a hand to Joel. âCigarette,â he says, and Joel obliges. You watch Frankie light it up and take a deep drag, a sight so unfamiliar it makes you eager to commit it to memory. âSo you really wanna fuck her then?â he finally asks.
There is a pressure low in your abdomen that makes you shift against the lounger.
Joel only laughs, crude and hoarse, as if deigning that question with an answer is below him. âWhere did you get that idea from?â
Frankie takes another drag, a short one this time, before glancing directly at Joelâs crotch. You follow his gaze to find a bulge there, one that definitely wasnât there before, straining against the stiff fabric. When Joelâs eyes find yours, you make sure he sees you lick your lips. His jaw twitches.
Frankie leans back comfortably in his chair, some of the ash from the cigarette landing on his pants. He brushes it off with a flick of his wrist. âIâll let you fuck her. But youâre gonna do exactly as I say.â
You think you must have entered a parallel universe or another dimension. For a short while at least. None of it makes sense: the cigarette in Frankieâs hand, the way he talks and what he says, that man next to you who is nothing more than a stranger, who had his tongue in your mouth two minutes ago, and that all of this makes you wetter than you can ever remember being. But then Frankieâs eyes meet yours, dark pupils blown unfamiliarly wide, and yet there is something in them you recognize â this isnât a stranger who is looking at you, this is your best friend. No matter what happens next, heâs going to look out for you. All you need to do is trust him.
Next to you, Joel shifts, adjusting his crotch. He licks his lips. âYeah.â He nods. âOkay.â
Your eyes are on Frankie now, heart racing in your chest, mouth completely dry, as you wait for what comes next. Your brain is running hot trying to go through all the possibilities of what Frankie could have Joel do to you, but all you come back to is Frankie kneeling in front of you, spreading your legs. Joel is nothing more than a shadow beside you, watching with a hungry gaze.
Frankie leans forward and reaches out his hand as if he means to touch you, but then stops himself and leans back. âYou donât have to do as youâre told.â The softness in his voice catches you by surprise, but he goes on before you can analyze it. âTo start, do whatever youâre comfortable with.â
You glance at Joel, at how stiff his shoulders are, and you face him, trembling fingers pulling his shirt up where it is tugged into his jeans. Up and up you pull it until he has to raise his arms for you to get it off, and then you finally see his body betray his nerves as his chest flushes a deep red. There is a scar on his left collarbone, old and slightly brighter than the skin around it, there are some sparse, dark gray hairs on his chest, and his stomach is so much firmer than Frankieâs, so much less inviting.
Joel huffs and your gaze shoots back up to his face. âKinda boring, donât ya think? Pullinâ off my shirt when you couldâve done anythinâ to me?â
You wonât let him get to you, not like that, not when Frankieâs eyes are on you. âThereâs no shame in me enjoying myself by taking things slow,â you retort. âI know your first move wouldâve been to stuff two fingers into me but whereâs the fun in that?â
âOh, youâre gonna see where the fun in that is when youâre cominâ âround âem,â he replies with that infuriatingly sleazy smile darkening his face.
You lean in just a tiny bit closer. âOnly if Frankie lets you.â God, that thought turns you on so much your head starts to spin.
Once you recover, Joelâs right hand is cupping your jaw, his grip firm, while his thumb rests against your lips. âSomeone should stuff that mouth oâ yours.â
You open your mouth then, until his thumb is only pressing against your bottom lip. You let it slide in past your teeth until you can feel it on your tongue, heavy, tasting like nicotine. You close your lips around the digit and suck on it, your cheeks hollowing, your tongue massaging it. The corner of Joelâs mouth twitches. Somewhere to your right, you hear Frankieâs chair groan.
The sound of Frankieâs voice interrupts you. âI want you to take off her dress.â
With a wet plop, Joel pulls his thumb out of your mouth and then starts pulling at the straps of your sundress, pushing them down your shoulders.
âSlowly,â Frankie adds, his voice calm as if heâs talking to a semi-feral animal.
Joel moves you so both your feet are planted firmly on the ground, then shifts so heâs behind you. He finds the zipper at the back of your dress and begins to pull it down, torturously slowly as if there is something he wants to prove to Frankie. As more and more of your skin is revealed, he brushes over it, calloused fingers making you shiver. His hands feel so much like Frankieâs, and yet not at all like him. Frankie would be soft and gentle too, but he wouldnât scrape you with his short nails, he wouldnât tremble like it takes everything in him not to devour you whole.
The fabric of your dress glides down your shoulders and back, and comes to rest around your hips. It isnât anything Frankie hasnât seen before â your breasts are still covered, after all â and yet there is something in his gaze when you look at him, a strange kind of longing, like desire that has been kept in check for so long it has become second nature to him. You can see it in the flare of his nostrils, in the darkening of his eyes, in the way his bottom lip trembles briefly before he darts out his tongue to wet it. And yet he sits there, watching, his body unmoving like it has been trained not to give in.
âTake off her bra.â
Even Frankieâs voice is controlled and even. You shift, pulling back your shoulders and pushing out your chest in an attempt to get him to break, but his gaze shifts from you to Joel as he waits for the other man to follow his orders. Joel doesnât need to be told twice. He flicks open the clasp at your back with one hand and your bra falls away. You push out your chin, willing your face not to heat up.
Frankieâs throat works as he swallows, a small crack in the otherwise impenetrable wall he has put up. âYouâre perfect âŠâ His voice, too, cracks on the second syllable and he coughs. âWouldnât you agree, Joel?â
Joel doesnât reply. Instead, he cups one of your breasts again and squeezes the nipple tightly between his thumb and forefinger, making you arch you back as a small stab of pain shoots through you. Now that the protective barrier of fabric is gone, you can feel just how rough his skin is against your sensitive spots, how his callouses catch in places your own fingers smoothly glide over. Your head falls back against his shoulder as he pinches your nipple again, as he begins to roll it roughly, pull on it from time to time to hear you hiss.
Joelâs chest rises and falls against your back, hot skin pressing into hot skin, his breath caressing the back of your neck. He runs his nose from your earlobe all the way down to your shoulder, then back up again, but before he reaches the starting point, he sinks his teeth into your neck and bites down, drawing a shivering gasp from you. And then he doesnât let go. He bites down harder, holding you in place, while cupping your breast with his entire hand, kneading it until your world tilts.
Youâre not aware of how desperate you are to find purchase, but the garden and the pool and the sky above right themselves when your hand finds Joelâs thigh. The denim is rough beneath your palm, but he is a rough man so it doesnât surprise you. What does surprise you though is how hard you have to fight to keep yourself from bucking your hips.
âJoel, stop.â
For just a short little while you had forgot Frankie is there with you, but his voice reminds you with brute force. And when Joel does as heâs told and you are left with nothing to distract you, all you can do is look at your best friend, at his fingers wrapped around that cigarette, and wonder what it would feel like to have him play with your nipple instead of Joel. The painful way your heart constricts at that thought utterly catches you by surprise.
Frankie takes a final drag on his cigarette, flicks the butt away, and clears his throat. âYouâll only do what I tell you to do.â
You shift, the fabric of your underwear rubbing against your clit sending a bolt of desperation through you, mixing with that unbearable longing to create a heady, dangerous cocktail. âFrankie, please.â
Frankie takes you in, and you have no idea what he sees, but he runs his thumb across his bottom lip and asks, âDo you want him to touch you?â
Joel runs his fingers up and down your arm, his touch so light it feels like torture. You try to squirm away but he keeps you trapped against his chest.
You exhale shakily. âYeah.â Thereâs a brief moment of hesitation, one that makes your heart flutter as you decide whether you should keep going. You do. âGod, Iâm so wet.â
Joelâs wandering fingers close around your upper arm like a vise.
But Frankie keeps up his walls. âShow me how wet she is, Joel.â
You donât think there has ever been a moment in your life where you were more turned on, a single moment where you were less in control of your body and your desires. You try to stand up, your legs trembling like you just finished a marathon, hands wrapped around your dress, ready to pull it all the way down. Joel doesnât even let you straighten your back. He pulls you back against his chest and wraps an arm around yours before running his free hand down your stomach, not seductively or teasingly but as if he has a task to fulfill. Youâve barely registered the sensation of his fingers against your lower stomach before he has pushed them past the fabric bunched around you hips and into your underwear, and this time you lose the battle against your own body. You roll your hips into his touch as your eyes flutter shut, you push and push, moans and whimpers urging him on. He doesnât need to be encouraged â he rolls your clit beneath his index finger, just like he rolled your nipple, before dipping it lower, pushing past the muscles at your opening and up into you.
Before you can make sense of it all, he removes his hand and holds up two fingers right in front of your eyes, glistening with your slick. Your chest heaving, you try to catch your breath.
Frankieâs eyes are wide open. âWhat does she taste like?â he asks, his voice rough as if he hasnât used it in quite some time.
Joel rubs his thumb against his index and middle finger, toying with your slick. âDonât you want to find out for yourself?â
Frankie nods so slightly you canât be sure it really happens, then hides behind a smirk, and you feel something unbearably insisting curl up tightly in the pit of your stomach. âYou tell me.â
Suddenly, Joelâs fingers are at your lips, pushing into your mouth. You open up, surprised by the sudden intrusion, and then his thick digits are pressing down against your tongue, making you gag. Tears are filling your eyes, and spit drips out of your mouth as you feel Joelâs hot breath against the shell of your ear.
âTell him.â
You canât, not even if you wanted to. Not because you canât taste yourself on Joelâs skin, not because you canât talk with his fingers filling up your mouth, but because Frankie flies out of his chair, brow furrowed and fists clenched. Before he can come to your aid, you close your hand around Joelâs wrist and push his fingers even deeper into your mouth, not breaking eye contact with Frankie, not even for a split second.
Joel presses down against your tongue and you suck on his fingers eagerly, but none of that matters to you. The only thing you care about is the red flush creeping up Frankieâs neck and into his cheeks, and the way he keeps closing the distance between the three of you until heâs standing right there, close enough for you to reach out and run your hands up and down his thigh.
Frankieâs hand is warm and heavy as it closes around yours, pulling Joelâs fingers out of your mouth. You gasp, unable to prevent a thin thread of spit from connecting your lips to Joelâs hand. It winks out of existence a second later when Frankieâs mouth clashes against yours, drawing another gasp from you, one that releases months and months of pent-up longing, one that originates deep in your chest but almost dies on your lips, stifled by wonder.
It isnât a soft kiss, it isnât even particularly well executed since your teeth clash painfully and Frankie pushes too hard too quickly. He also tastes more like Joel than himself, of beer and cigarettes, but none of that matters. He could have given you a small peck on the cheek and it would have been the greatest kiss you had ever shared with anyone. You feel his breath against your cheek, a shaky exhale, and before you can stop yourself, you find yourself fisting his shirt, fingers clenched so tightly you will never be able to let go again. That is all you ever wanted, all you ever prayed for, and now that you have it, you never want to lose it again.
Eventually, Frankie pulls back ever so slightly and whispers against your lips, âSummer, thatâs what you taste like,â and itâs such a corny line it should have you rolling your eyes, but instead you crane your neck and seal your lips to his again, high from the feeling of your tongue in his mouth. He huffs and pushes up against you, but heâs not close enough â thereâs still so much space between you. You reach up and grab the collar of his shirt and pull him even closer, but suddenly rough hands grab your arms and hold you back forcefully.
âI wanna go first.â It isnât a request, that much is clear.
Frankie pulls back and smiles down at you, his face soft and open, searching for any indication you donât want to do this anymore. Even though youâve never wanted anyone as much as you want him right now, the thought of him watching while Joel fucks you, utterly in control of the situation, makes you clench around nothing. Frankie can tell â he switches back to his neutral mask in the matter of a second. âYou didnât do as you were told âŠâ
It isnât a threat, but it might as well be.
Joel hooks a thumb into your mouth and pulls down your bottom lip. You try to bite him again, but he is prepared this time, holding you in place. âLet me come in her mouth at least.â
Frankie grabs Joelâs wrist again and pulls his hand away from your face. âNo.â
You have never heard him use that voice before, that kind of voice that makes you snap to attention, that voice that commands people to follow him. You shift, trying to rub your thighs together, but itâs just a primal reaction you have no control over. All your attention is on Joel trying to pull his wrist out of Frankieâs grip, and on Frankie holding him in place, the muscles in his arm straining.
âIâm going to sit back down, and youâre going to fuck her.â Frankieâs voice is so calm it sends a shiver down your spine. âSlowly,â he adds, letting go of Joelâs wrist. âAnd if you make her come before I tell you to, thereâll be consequences.â
Every muscle in your body tightens. Youâre too wound up to rationally consider what Frankie is proposing, too wound up to think about how much you want this and what that might mean. You glance behind you to catch Joelâs reaction, to see if heâs just as affected by Frankieâs proposition as you are, just in time to watch him lick his lips.
âAnd I get to fuck her however I want?â
Frankieâs gaze shifts to you. Itâs nothing more than a glance, a quick check-in, and you nod, just as quickly, just as imperceptibly.
âYes,â Frankie answers.
Next thing you know, youâre up on the lounger, knees and hands braced against the soft pillows, faded from long summers under the hot Texan sun, focusing on the sounds of Joel unbuckling his belt. You feel your throat tighten at those sounds, leather scraping against skin, metal clicking against metal, but your mouth is too dry to swallow. Joel unzips his jeans, then thereâs a rustling sound, followed by a deep, needy groan. Itâs enough to make your heartbeat stumble over itself with excitement. You try to turn your head and glance behind you to see what he is doing, but Joel catches your movement and forces your head down, firm grip at the back of your skull.
âStay.â
To your right, you hear the sound of Frankie shifting in his chair. He doesnât intervene.
Joel grabs the bunched-up fabric of your dress with both hands and begins to tear it with quick, jerking movements, ruining it. It falls away and glides down to the ground where it comes to rest next to the lounger, leaving you almost completely exposed to Joel. And Joel doesnât hesitate. He pushes the thin fabric of your underwear aside and sinks into you with one deep, calculated thrust you can feel in your chest.
Your fists clenched, your head hanging low, you try to take it, but his thrusts send shudders of pain up and down your body. Itâs not unbearable, and it shouldnât surprise you; he fucks like he does everything else â rough and with an edge of violence to it â but the stretch is uncomfortable, and the thrusts are greedy, so much so you wish he had surprised you after all.
âSlow down,â Frankie orders, and you lift your eyes to him. A muscle twitches in his jaw, and when Joel does as heâs told, he watches you closely, searching your face for any signs of the discomfort lessening. You shift, your body adjusting to the feeling of being so full, and when Frankie asks, his voice low, âYou okay?â you realize that you are. Youâre more than okay, actually. Two more shallow thrusts from Joel and youâre completely relaxed.
âYeah,â you answer, just for Frankie to hear and his lips quirk up in a smile.
âWeâre good,â he tells Joel.
Joelâs open palm lands against your ass cheek catching you unawares, as does the moan you let loose at the sudden burst of pain. Frankie swallows, or at least you think he does â you canât be sure with your eyes flutterin shut. You push back against Joel, eager for more, pulling him deeper inside of you with a greedy clench.
âThe way youâre clenchinâ âround me makes me think youâve never had dick before.â
Joelâs voice comes out restrained, the words are punctuated by more slaps, one harder than the last. Their meaning is lost on you as you are reduced to a babbling mess, unable to retain anything that is happening outside of your desire for him. You gush around his cock, hot and wet and wanton, and somewhere between the thrusts and the grunts, you hear a chortle.
âGreedy little thing, arenât ya.â
That chortle is what pulls you back into yourself, and you risk another glance behind you, hoping that this time he will let you see. He does, and you watch him pound into you, both hands on your hips, denim pulled just low enough to free his cock, dark hairs curling just above it, streaked with bulging veins. He has one knee braced against the lounger, one foot firmly planted on the ground. You almost hate yourself for being so affected by that sight, but you can feel everything tighten, your body begging for release.
âFuck,â you groan, your voice breathy. âFuck, fuck, fuck, Iâm gonna ââ
With a condescending smirk, Joel reaches for your clit. âGo ahead, sunshine.â
You close your eyes, focusing on how youâre clenching around him. Youâre so, so close, you can almost taste the release on your tongue. Your mouth hangs open, a moan begins to emerge from someplace deep inside your chest and â
Joelâs hips falter and still, and you can feel yourself flutter desperately around him, but itâs not enough. You glide along his length, coming down from the edge, frustration blossoming in the pit of your stomach. Joelâs fingers rest uselessly against your swollen clit, still as the rest of him, and whenever you try to grind yourself against them, his touch lessens.
âJoel âŠ,â you whine, opening your eyes to look back at him.
Itâs not Joel your gaze lands on. Itâs Frankie, standing right there next to the lounger, one hand on Joelâs head, fisting his hair, pulling on it so his chin is raised high, his neck exposed, a thick vein pulsing near its base. Joel is breathing heavily, but he doesnât move, doesnât try to free himself, while Frankie looks down at him, darkness clouding his features.
âYouâll do as I tell you or I wonât let you come inside of her.â
Frankie lets go of Joelâs hair with a shove to drive home the point. Even now, freed from his restraint, Joel doesnât fight back. He glares at Frankie as if heâs imagining beating him bloody, but he does like heâs told, removing his fingers from your clit to dig them back into your hip. He picks up the pace again, thrusts a little shallower than before, drawing a sigh of relief from you, scratching that undefinable itch Frankie restraining Joel like that triggered in you. That itch you donât want to examine too closely right now but that you know youâll return to.
Frankie pats Joelâs shoulder, two firm raps against the straining muscles. âGood boy.â
You clench so hard around Joel he must notice, but he doesnât remark on it. He resumes the steady snapping of his hips while your eyes fall shut and drop down to your elbows, those two words floating around your mind like an echo.
Good boy.
A desperate little whimper escapes you, one at least Frankie seems to hear, because he runs two knuckles up and down your spine in a movement that is meant to calm you but shoves you toward the edge with a violent jolt. He must know what heâs doing to you, there is no way he hasnât noticed. And it should fill you with shame, it should make you resent him, the way you lie bare before him, showing him the most vulnerable parts of yourself, but it only makes you want him more. You open your eyes to find him standing right next to you. This close, you can see how tight his pants stretch over the bulge you hadnât noticed before, how you think you can even make out a dark spot of precum forming against the fabric. You lick your lips.
âFrankie, please.â Your voice is rough and broken, laced with desperation.
Joel shoves into you so violently you feel the thrust in your throat, but he doesnât say anything.
Frankie leans down and places a soft kiss against your temple, then runs his thumb across your furrowed brow. âJust tell me when youâre ready.â
You whish you could tell him youâve been ready ever since he suggested Joel should fuck you, but you can only laugh, a broken sound followed by a hard swallow.
Frankie straightens his back, his eyes bright with excitement. âI see.â He makes his way back over to his chair and sits down, the wood groaning beneath his weight. âGo ahead, Joel.â
Joel picks up the pace, making every thought, every doubt you might have, instantly disappear from your head. His fingers find your clit again, rubbing you hard, and after that it doesnât take long at all. After that, you let out a deep moan and push back against Joel so hard it makes him lose his rhythm, but it doesnât matter. Youâre coming, pulling him deeper into you as he fucks you through it, letting you squeeze him as you sink deep into pleasure, losing track of your bodyâs movements.
You come back to the surface when youâre spent, and everything feels sore and tender, but Joel doesnât stop. There is a burning between your legs now and you hiss, reaching back for him.
Frankie is there next to you again, cupping your cheek. You have no idea when he approached, what made him leave his role as spectator this time, but you instantly relax when you feel his touch on him. âJust a little more,â he murmurs, calming you. âYou can take it, I know you can.â
You watch him squeeze the bulge in his pants, and giving it another, harder squeeze when Joel grabs your wrist and pins it to the small of your back. The proof of how much heâs affected by you is enough to chase away the discomfort and rekindle the fire in the pit of your stomach. Your eyes glued to the bulge in Frankieâs pants you wonder what it would be like to feel him thrust into you, chasing his release, to feel him take what he needed from your body, fueled by how much you want him in return.
Finally, Joel stills and spills into you, groaning as his orgasm sparks through him. But your eyes are locked to Frankieâs, as neither of you dares to look away.
THE OUTCOME
The neon sign of the motel casts deep shadows into the cabin of Frankieâs pickup. Your gaze is fixed to the flashing letters, promising vacancy. A car rushes past, its tires whispering against the concrete, still hot from the Texan summer day. You try to ignore the tightness in your stomach, but when a door falls shut with a rattling bang somewhere nearby, you feel that sound like a punch to your gut.
âThat was fun,â Joel says from the backseat. He stretches his legs, kicking his foot against your backrest. âIf you ever wanna repeat that âŠâ He lets the offer hang there in the air between you.
Frankie grabs the steering wheel tightly, the wood groaning under his skin. âWeâll know where to find you,â he finishes the sentence.
Joel braces both hands against your backrest and leans forward so his lips are close to your ear. âI think Iâll stick around for a while, so if you ever wanna grab some drinks, sunshine âŠâ
Only half-listening, you reply, âWhatever,â fighting down the nausea youâve been feeling ever since you climbed into Frankieâs truck.
âWhatever,â Joel echoes with a huff, opens the backdoor, and climbs out. âYou know, Iâve had better,â he adds, before shutting the door with a loud bang.
âHey!â Frankie barks, but you shake your head, and Frankie lets him walk away.
It doesnât matter what Joel says to you. You couldnât care less. Because as soon as Frankie starts the car, heâll drive it straight over to your place, say goodnight without really looking at you, and tomorrow, heâll pretend that none of this happened. Just like he did before. And as much as you hate that thought, youâre going to have to live with it.
As Joel climbs the stairs to the second-floor landing of the motel, you say, âYouâll want to take me home now, right?â Itâs best to get it over with as quickly as possible.
The wood groans again, but this time from Frankie loosening his grip. He takes off his cap and runs his fingers through his ruffled curls. You donât look at him, but you study him out of the corner of your eye, trying to read his face. He puts the cap back on, then slings his arm across the backrest of your seat. âActually ⊠I was hopinâ youâd come back to my place.â
The nausea youâve been feeling pricks up its ears with interest and then curls up into a tiny ball, tugged away in a corner of your stomach. âOh?â you say. And thatâs all you manage before he closes the distance between you, his left hand cupping your jaw, his lips brushing against yours, tentatively, asking for permission. You give it to him by fisting his shirt, pulling him toward you, by smiling against his lips, exhaling all the tension in one short giggle, full of relief. He strokes his thumb across your cheek at the same time as you open up for him so he can brush his tongue against yours. You find yourself mirroring him, hand on his cheek, thumb running over the stubble there, relishing the feeling of him being so close.
You pull away first, and he follows you, mouth slightly open, chasing another taste. âWhat are we gonna do at your place? Do you have more friends who want to fuck me while you watch?â you ask, high from the feeling of his tongue in your mouth, from that promise that he wonât forget about any of this in the morning.
A neon flash lights up Frankieâs face, once, twice, as you watch his cheeks darken with a flush. He takes his time, studying your face closely. âNo,â he says, his voice a low rumble, so unfamiliar it draws a smile from him, âI want to fuck you myself.â
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wedding ring
origins!husban!logan x origins!wade x wife!reader
a/n : I don't know what came over me to write this, I have no excuse I'm just horny.
wc : 3k
NSFW , PORN WITH (LITTLE) PLOT , WADE IS A HORNY SHIT , MOMMY & DADDY KINK , GENERAL WADEâą BEHAVIOUR sub!origins!wade wilson . dom!origins!logan . dom!reader
synopsis : wade has always been a kinky little shit, it seems that title is well-deserved when he starts to fantasize about squeezing himself into a married couple old enough to be his parents.
If someone in the team were to ask Wade why he looked as if he hadn't slept in a decade, he'd say he was up practising his katana skills.
When in reality, he had spent the whole night groaning and moaning against his pillow while rubbing himself raw to the thought of you and Logan.
What was so special about you two, you may ask? You were married and were old enough to be his parents.
It was absolutely not his fault. You two had no right to come into the X-Team, looking so fucking hot and expect him not to get hard.
You couldn't just walk around the place with Logan's strong arm around your waist and expect him not to stare. You couldn't just hum in acknolovedgment everytime Logan leant into your ear to rumble something that the merc couldn't quite catch and expect him not to grow desperate.
He was a walking mess. Day and night his thoughts were consumed by you and Logan, Logan and you, and what you could do to him. He couldn't help it, he'd blame the undiagnosed ADHD anyday for titty-flashing him with so many dirty scenarios anytime you walked past.
,,
Logan and you had been through a lot of shit togheter.
You had met sometime between the 1880's and the 1900's, both mutants and escaping from someone who was trying to do you harm. Both with the weight of taken lives over your shoulders, both with spilled blood on your hands. Both with the promise of living far too long.
And, cliche-y enough, you both had fallen in love. After uniting forces as acquintances, then growing as close as long-life friends, and then falling into the claws of love, you two had gotten married.
Happyly married, always attached to the hip, gold wedding wands on your ring fingers. Always watching out for the other.
And when William Stryker offered you both a place in a 'special opperations' team called X-Team, you both agreed âhappy to help a causeâ.
What you didn't expect, though, was Wade Wilson turning into another shit you had to go through togheter.
The mercenary seemed to never know when to shut his mouth, or how to read social cues, he just simply had a mouth too big for his own good. Hence why the nickname merc with a mouth was born amidst the members of the team.
He was a young man in his 20's, a cocky asshole and a total flirt that talked big game. He liked to show off during missions, pulling stunts, to impress Logan or you was another question that didn't have an answer yet.
You and your husband just knew the kid seemed to have the hots for one of you. Which made Logan boil with possesiveness because you were his damn wife, his and his only âpossesiveness that in turn only made Wade all the more horny.
It wasn't until today's mission that you realized that the mercenary didn't have the hots for just one of you, but for both.
After trying to break in a building to stop some drug dealers, the team had split up and âironically enoughâ left you three to flee from more guards than you could fight. And now, ironically enough again, you three were hidding in a really small supply closet.
You hadn't intended for it to end up this way, but your husband was with his broad back against the wall and with a pupil-blown Wade completely sandwiched between you two.
Wade was totally trying to keep his cool, desperately keeping up his usual cocky fachade, but his gut felt so damn coiled at having his ass pressed against Logan's crotch and his chest in level with yours.
"How did they notice us?!?" you asked your husband in a low breath, completely ignoring the merc between you.
Logan growled slightly, his nose twitching when a strangely strong scent wafted into his nostrils, shaking his head slightly as he tried to peek out from the small gap in the door. "dunno, doll, but I guess they didn't see us come here"
As you kept talking with your husband in hushed breaths, Wade was starting to feel his brain turning to damn mush as he was trapped between you two. He couldn't help it, your body warmth was sweeping into his bones from back and front âmelting himâ.
And then, suddenly he heard your voices stopping. Looking up with his half-glassy eyes, he was met by a quirked eyebrow and a deep scowl from Logan.
"are you damn horny right now, mouth?" Logan pretty much growled. His voice rumbling in his chest as he looked down at the young man between you two.
Wade blinked, realizing he had been so aroused âand locked up in his dirty fantasiesâ that he had pretty much started to leak in his pants.
"ohw, c'mon, what'd you expect?" the merc breathed out under your questioning gaze. "I've got my hot ass against someone's big dick and my face is smushed against this massive titties and jesus fucking christâ"
His words died down in a choked way when Logan's hand flied up to his throath, wrapping around it without issue âdamn big hands the Canadian hadâ and squeezing. Choking a wheezed noise out of his mouth.
"shut your damn mouth if ya wanna keep your throath, bub" Logan growled in the merc's ear, his voice almost like the roar of a lion with how much red he was seeing.
You were just staring at the way Wade's eyes seemed to roll into the back of his head, thighs twitching before shamelessly parting âas if he wanted someone's hand between themâ. The mercenary seemed to really be horny for you two.
"really, Wade?" you purred, voice low, as you stared at the young man âletting your husband do the job of shutting him up. "going after a married couple like this? didn't think you'd fall that low.."
Wade struggled to breathe through his nose with Logan's tight grip around his throath, but he spoke nonetheless. "aughnâ you two are fucking god- relax the grip old man literally bisexual culture-"
His gasped words only made the growl bubbling up in Logan's throath grow louder. You saw the veins in your husband's arm bulging as he squeezed around Wade's throath again, watching the way the merc choked on his spit âsaliva slobbering down the corner of his lips.
You reached out your own hand and placed it atop of Logan's, as if methaporically holding your husband's hand while he choked Wade.
"fucking god you two are really feeding my mommy and daddy issues right now y'kno-oh-owwâ"
Wade's spech got cut off my another series of squeezes around his throath, making the mercenary cough and choke on his spit as his head fell forwards against your chest.
"watch your damn mouth, mouth"
"ngh-ah- unluckily for you I've got a thing for being put in my place by dominant, sexy, grown-ups. Big ones with hugeâ"
His voice died in his own throath when two, huge and thick, fingers were proding at his mouth. Sneaking past his lips and stuffing him full, his eyes rolled back, knees almost buckling underneath him when the meaty taste of sweat invaded his mouth.
"shut it, bub"
"hmn-nhgh"
"you managed to shut him up" you low whistled at your husband, impressed by how quickly and efficiently the merc had shut up. Now busy with nibbling at the fingers inside of his mouth.
"easy peasy" Logan huffed with a slight roll of his eyes. "don't know how long it'll last, though, just look at how damn much the kid's leaking"
Wade whined around Logan's fingers at the way you two were speaking as if he wasn't there, thighs trying to close when he felt your eyes going down and settling on the obvious tent in his pants âand the wet spot.
"so horny" you hummed, more to yourself than anything, before looking back at his face. "what does this mean, baby?" you purred as you pointed to the gold ring on your finger with a neutral look on your face âas if he wasn't coming undone before your eyes. "I don't think you're that dumb yet. C'mon, what does this, right here, mean, Wade?"
Wade struggled to swallow the spit pooling in his mouth around Logan's fingers, body almost tumbling forward when the Canadian ripped his fingers off of his mouth so suddenly.
"I- aughn- Iâ" he stumbled over his words, swallowing again, as his hazy eyes looked up at you. "that's a daddy and mommy ring" he wheezed out, a little "ah-ah!" escaping his lips when Logan grabbed his hair from the back âforcing him to behaveâ. "means- angh means that you're married. And old enough to be my grand-parents-"
"That's right, bub" Logan growled, leaning in close to whisper in Wade's ear. "We're a married couple and you're nothing but a pest."
"now, now, darling" you hummed lovingly as you looked at your husband, who was still grabbing Wade by his hair. "don't be so mean.. It turns him on"
That last was a low drawl, before your hand was cuping Wade's cheek and making sure the cold metal of the gold wedding ring you wore was against the merc's skin. "We've lived through wars, honey, you're a literal baby compared to us" you added, voice low and degradatory.
Wade shuddered as the cold metal of your wedding ring pressed against his skin, his eyes looking up at you with a mixture of desire and submission.
"I'm a- nnnng baby" he repeated, almost breathless. "Logan and you are old. So old."
Logan leaned in closer, his hand still clamped around Wade's hair. "Old enough to be your parents" he repeated, his voice dark and gravely. His teeth almost gracing Wade's ear. "Old enough that you shouldn't be interested in us, bub."
"Please, I- I- ahhhhnn I promise I'm good, I promise I'm good, I- I can be good."
It was funny, really, to see such a cocky and show-off of a man being this needy and whiny between you two. But what could you say, it was the Howlett effect.
You slowly slipped your gold wedding band out of your ring finger, right infront of Wade's eyes âwatching the way he almost busted on the spot just from the sight aloneâ.
"this is what'chu want, ain't it honey?" you teased the mercenary trembling and whining between you. "you want this pretty ring on your finger too, don't ya? you wanna be the throphy toy to a hot, married couple old enough to be your parents, don't you, sweetheart?"
You held the wedding ring infront of Wade's face as one of your hands started to rub his arm âslowly going down to his handâ. Wade was shaking, he didn't even know how he hadn't cum untouched yet with how tight and hot his gut felt. All of his muscles coiled.
Wade looked like he was about two seconds away from spontaneously combusting right there in the small supply closet.
"Please" he breathed out, his voice strained and his eyes fixed on the ring in your hand. "Please, I- I want to be- nngah, I want it. I- I'll be good, I- aaahhhnn"
"Are you?" Logan asked, using the grip on Wade's hip to pull him closer against him. "Are you going to behave for us?"
After a series of jerky and rapid nods coming from the drooling mercenary trembling between you, "good fucking boy, there you go" your voice was low and syrupy, as you grabbed Wade's twitching hand and slowly âalmost sensuallyâ slipped the cold golden wand on his finger.
It looked as if he was going to combust just from having the ring on his finger, from the implications of having a wedding ring from a married couple on his finger.
Maybe you'd find an explanation for the creamy wet spot between Wade's legs and the way he was wearing your wedding ring when you meet the team in a few minutes. Or maybe you won't, who knows.
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PEDRO PASCAL Gladiator II: Exclusive Featurette - Making of an Epic
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YES YES YES BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE
the likeability complex.
chapter 3. the butterfly theory.
pairing. joel miller x fem!reader
synopsis. two seasons pass before joelâs very eyes and, without the presence of his sol, neither the spring nor the summer seem to heat his aching bones. whatâs meant to be a simple drop off at bill and frankâs becomes a whirlwind of events that send you barrelling right back into joelâs arms, and all it takes is one horrified shriek: otis is missing!
warnings. no use of y/n ( reader has the nickname of sol ), grumpy x sunshine dynamic, unspecified age-gap ( but i personally picture the reader to be mid-20s at this point in the story ), pining, love as obsession, mention of previous s.a. & miscarriage, death, reader is implied to have had a good relationship with her mom, smut ( handjobs, male masturbation, dry humping, joel is desperate and begging, fantasies of piv, oral sex, and anal sex, mentions of virginity loss/younger joel having been a milf lover )
word count. 14.3k
hydeâs input. instead of addressing the reasons it took so long for this part to come out, let me address this instead: joel miller is a man who loves himself some prone bone! nothing gets that old man off quite like fucking his lover down into the mattress, the carpet, the dirt-floor, full body weight pressed against them, head buried in the crook of their necks as he literally smothers them with his love. in this essay i will...â
read on ao3. series masterlist. previous chapter. following chapter
Time, as a matter of fact, does not fly.
At some point, Joel may have claimed it ticked, from one minute to another, until the hours passed by and another dayâs work was done. He can no longer agree with this sentiment, for a multitude of reasons. For starters â and perhaps the most obvious â a broken clock may be right twice a day, but it is eternally silent. The dials on his wrist stopped ticking long ago and, with it, so did time.
So maybe time crawls. Slow as a newborn finds its feet, over carpeted floors and through cramped spaces. It seems to do so in spring, the tease of the impending heat of a summerâs sun on his back while the fading chill of winter in the breeze messes his overgrown hair. Joel can almost feel himself bending to match itâs slow crawl, his knees aching, a few of his fingers breaking â the consequence of a sloppy punch, thumb trapped beneath his four curled fingers, thrown without a second thought at the sight of one of Robertâs lowlifes placing a filthy hand on Tess. At the very least, the assholeâs nose burst with a bloody red, a reminder of the roses in Frankâs garden.Â
The trading is kept to the boundaries of their gates this season and, no matter how hard he twists his neck, nor how far lets his eyes run off ahead of him, there is no glimpse of a skirt billowing in the wind, nor the sound of smile-woven words. Just Bill, face as scrunched up as a constipated hole, gruffing out the bare-minimum of words to let Tess know one of his generators is starting to fail, before handing over a list of things theyâll need to bring with their next visit.
Joel cranes his neck one last time before departing and, still, thereâs no sight of you.
Summer brings a whole new meaning to things and, thus, time begins to flow, like a river swimming towards the sanction of the ocean. The days wash away, sleepless nights slip into hellish mornings. The couch is being used so much that Joelâs indent has become stained into its very fabric.Â
This time, they are let in. Bill needs the help, in over his head with how easily heâd be able to fix the failing generator, and so they wind up being pulled through the gates and presented with the dying power source. Bill still wears a frown, even as he thanks Joel for fixing the damned thing. The four sit and break bread at a table, that seat which sits directly across from his empty in a way that he canât avoid or ignore. The nerves to ask why you arenât around never quite work themselves up.
What, or better said who, he does see is Otis. And what a relief it is to be sent near stumbling to his feet, the fully grown beastâs size a laughable contrast to its excited whines and wagging tail. He lets himself be tricked into taking the dog for a walk, in which every kick of Otisâ legs reminds Joel that his sol is still here, hiding in plain sight, not a single hope in hell that youâd leave your fur-friend behind.
In Autumn, the leaves begin to fall.
Joelâs dwindling hope seems to follow.
Time has become a threat. A jagged rock clasped in the hands of a volatile assailant. It is the impending feeling of bracing for impact, only for it to never hit. Because a threat can no longer be a threat once it is enacted, and time is no longer quite time once it passes by.
In between the pause of the present and the future, that is where time sits.
And, on either side of it, Joel and Bill occupy a seat.
ââS quiet,â Joelâs not talking about the tense silence that has blanketed the past ten or so minutes, however long itâs been since the two were left in no company but one anotherâs.
Bill, aware of his implications or not, shrugs. âIs that a problem?â
Joel shakes his head, and swallows down that lump he gets in his throat every time he lies. Heâs been doing that more often than heâd like recently, lying.
To Tess, whenever sheâd ask him where he disappears to, slipping out of their shared bed in the middle of the night. Sheâd not enjoy the truth of him pacing the living room and lamenting upon the cracked leather of their couch.
To FEDRA, when a group of so-called soldiers ambushed him in demands to know why heâd been spotted attempting to smuggle a dress. Theyâd not believed the tale he spun of it belonging to Tess.
And, to himself, when heâs searching for answers of whatâs been keeping him awake at night. Between the cries of whom he lost, and the moans of who he desires, heâs a sleepless wreck.
Laughter comes from another room. The distant duo of Tess and Frank bring more life to this deadly atmosphere than either of the two tense men. Theirs is a complicated relationship. No smiles exchanged, no warmth shared. Respect seems to be the glue that holds them together, a mutual understanding between natural protectors. Just as Joel snaps his bones without hesitation on behalf of Tess, Bill double-locks the doors and secures the perimeter each night as Frank and you lay sound asleep.
With this in mind, Joel treads with care as he descends further into the topic at hand. He decides to treat his own self the same way heâd once taught a stubborn curly haired girl to swim: throwing himself into the deep end.
âAinât seen much of your...â He pauses, considers what word best suits Billâs affections for you. He finds himself at a loss. âThe girl. She doinâ alright?â
Thatâs it, heâll keep it casual.
Passive, hardly-caring.
Totally not headache-inducing each time a new tally is added to how many days itâs been since heâd last seen you â two hundred and four, but whoâs keeping count?
âSheâs fine,â the answer is curt. A coughed out sort of thing, heaved out of Bill like it aches to even speak. Heâs not entertaining Joelâs longing.
âThatâs... good, yeah,â heâs not sure he believes his answer. Good has never sounded so distasteful. âIâll let Tess know, give âer some peace of mind. Sheâs been wonderinâ-â
âCut the shit,â Bill barks over at him. âYou arenât asking for Tess.â
He could try lie, again. Play the innocent, shrug his shoulders or furrow his brows, an image to mock what could be confusion. But the other man would see right through him, each and every time. Joel has no choice but to surrender. âWhereâs she been? Canât remember the last time I saw her.â
âDidnât realise you were keeping count.â Is it that obvious? Perhaps he needs to adopt a new method of going about the ways in which he approaches the subject of you. Does Bill know heâd gone back to your room that night, instead of the toilet? The man has a fondness for cameras, perhaps he set one up in your room, or all over the house. Joelâs heart-rate spikes as he wonders if thereâs one in the kitchen. âSheâs out.â
Out.
A simple enough word, yet it crashes down on Joel like a ten-ton bag of dynamite, imploding his thoughts and reality. Because out to Bill means something far different than merely being out of this house. Out means beyond the electrified gates. Out means danger, someplace Joel canât stomach the thought of you being, much less if itâs without him.
âYou sure thatâs the right thing to do?â
âI donât need your opinion on how I raise-â Bill cuts himself off with a deep breath. He clears his throat. âI donât need your opinion on how I take care of my people. Sheâs a smart girl, and itâs not her first time. Sheâs been going on solo runs since the end of winter.â
An act youâd never have been able to achieve, had he not taught you how to hold your own behind the wheel. That fact alone is enough to send bile burning to the back of his throat. Heâs scorned you with the ability to put yourself in harmâs way.
A question of why seems to slip past his lips as his own thoughts abuse his heart, the word sounding far too pathetic and pleading for a man of Joelâs stature, reputation and morals.
âWeâre old, she isnât. Thereâs gonna come a day where sheâs alone and needs to choose if she wants to stay here or move on.â The other manâs risen from his seat, paying no mind to the way the legs of it screech against the hardwood floor. He speaks passively, as though heâs merely reciting the weather as opposed to speaking of the approaching closing of the curtains on his life, and where that would leave the most valuable possession Joel could only ever dream to smuggle: alone, defenceless, in need of a new home. He too could use a new home these days. âAnd if she doesnât get a choice and has to run, she needs to be able to adapt. She needs to know how to survive out in that shit-hole of a world.â
Ask me, the words crack like thunder in his head and shake his very core. Ask it of me, and Iâll make sure sheâs never alone.
Bill never asks.
The floorboards creak behind Bill as he makes his way to retrieve his partner, leaving Joel to his solitude without the sparing of another word.
Scanning the room, Joel lets himself indulge in the freedom to be curious, to let his eyes wander for more than a few threatened seconds in which he runs the risk of a frowning Bill ringing his neck for snooping.
The place is homey, that has never been in doubt.
The first time he ventured inside nearly left him retching on their bathroom floor, skin chilled and eyes burning as that uncanny-valley feeling overtook his guts. Playinâ house, thatâs what heâd proclaimed to Tess on that first journey back to the QZ. Rest âf us are out here fightinâ for the right to exist, and these two assholes are playinâ house.
The misplaced anger was truly Joelâs green eyed envy.
And his own self-hatred.
Maybe if heâd been prepared like Bill, heâd have less blood on his hands. Maybe if heâd foreseen the day that shit would hit the fan, heâd never have felt how thick her blood ran, through his fingers and down his arms. Maybe if he thought smarter, worked harder, all his losses would have been nothing but a whisper in passing winds, brushing past him and taking the impending storm they promised over to the next unfortunate bastard.
A polaroid picture captures his attention, pulling him away from the edge of his mountain of self-loathing thoughts.
It lures him out from the safety of the dining table and over towards a cabinet. Meaningless memorabilia and porcelain trinkets decorate the ageing furniture, a blob of motionless browns, tans and beiges that seem to match the colourless feeling in his chest. Among it, a burst of red. Joel has it in his grasp in a matter of seconds, calloused hands likely tainting the image with his fingerprints, and blinks in an attempt to focus his ageing eyes.
When the haze settles, you greet him.
You look young, younger than you are now. Your hair seems just that tad lighter with the sunâs rays shining a spotlight somewhere off-camera to the right. Thereâs a cheek-splitting grin across your lips, while bags puff out from beneath your closed eyes, lines to match his own crowâs feet forming under the pressure of your radiant joy. The image cuts off just below your shoulders and captures how your two hands sit parallel at either side of your chin, the source of the red gripped in each of them: strawberries. One for each hand. The left has a chunk bitten out of it, a perfect match to the shape of your mouth and the red tint at the corner of your lips. But itâs the right hand that holds his attention, itâs grip on him as powerful as your hand on the strawberry. He imagines you were excited, buzzing with too much energy and with no place to put it, your nimble fingers resorting to burying it in the layers of the fruit, the tips of your nails stabbing into the surface of the berry.
As his gaze traces the grainy image of berry-blood pouring down your fingers and over the back of your hand, he pictures his heart in the place of the red fruit. Heâd want you to squeeze tighter, dig your nails in until youâre knuckles deep and his blood paints you, dripping off your elbow.
The thought of whether you washed your hand after the image was taken, or merely shrugged and licked the juice off yourself sparks his curiosity.
He snuffs the flame out before it can make itself too comfortable.
Getting the polaroid back into place feels an impossible task, with Joelâs shaky hands and prone-to-overthinking brain not willing to work together to get it back to where it originally sat, to where Bill wonât immediately notice itâs been tampered with the next time he so much as walks past it.
His eyes catch onto the faded black marker at the bottom of the picture. Babyâs first harvest, â13.
It sparks a memory in him, one of hearing your overexcited whispers over the radio-com at an hour far too late to justify being awake, Tessâ figure scooted down to the bottom of the mattress in an attempt to not waken him. Strawberries, Tess, youâd gushed in excitement, voice so pure he could feel it cleansing away all the sins stained within his fingerprints. We grew strawberries! You need to come visit soon! Do you think Joel likes strawberry jam?
He does like strawberry jam.
And heâd been afraid youâd never give him another batch after his dismissive acceptance of it the first time. The growing collection of empty jars he keeps are evidence of the truth, the yearly harvest of the berries bringing him the promise of something to feed his sweet-tooth.
With a baritone growl from his stomach, Joelâs attention carries him off into the kitchen, eyes struggling to look past the spot of the counter heâd had you pressed up against. Only now, standing within the room, does he realise heâd not been in it since that night.
His mouth runs dry at the memory.
This time, it is not through messy scoops of water that he chooses to quench this thirst. Instead, he zeroes in on the large bowl of ripened strawberries that sit atop the counter and digs, till his fingers wrap around the largest, reddest, juiciest looking one of the bunch.
Heaven makes a home on his taste buds with just one bite.
Tangy, fruity, fresh. Wet on his tongue, delicious in his mouth. It paints him memories of you, hand grasping the hem of your own skirt, hips tilting ever-so-slightly back and thighs shaking under the stress of his teasing tongue.
A second bite, a whole new wave of sensations.
His body, with a mind of its own, awakens the pumping of blood down to his crotch. Replaying the sound of your knife falling from your grasp, his cock hardens within the confines of worn-out jeans.
If he were to disappear off into the bathroom to rub one out, would the others even notice?Â
Perhaps he could take a detour, get lost on his way to that familiar toilet. The third door. It would creak upon opening, but maybe he could cover it with a cough, or simply pray the other three remain too far away to notice. From what he can remember, heâd be able to reach your bed with four steps. Sit on your sheets, bask in their warmth, their softness, their smell of you. Wind his hand down beneath his belt, grip his aching cock as he bathes in your unpresent presence. Stain your sheets in the thick, creamy white poison that shoots out his tip. How long would it take you to notice it painted on the back of your pillowcase? Would it happen instantly, or would it be late into the night, nothing but a lamp to light up the room, as you sleepily flip it over in search of the cold side, only to lay your face back down and be met with the sticky substance against your cheek? Would you lick it clean, drag the tip of your nail through it before caressing that very same finger over your pretty clit and-
âOk, so I didnât manage to get, like, anything you guys asked for! But, guess what I did find?â
Joel nearly chokes on the stem of the strawberry.
That voice.
Too kind to be Bill, too lively to be Tess, too feminine to be Frank.
Itâs all you, rambling over excited breaths and stumbling around your words. He canât see you yet, and it nearly kills him to not run off in search of the sound. He needs to sit and wait, and pray the tent being pitched in his trousers deflates by the time you reach him.
Youâre getting closer by the second and life grants him no relief. If anything, the pulsating ache that sits between his thighs grows stronger as your footsteps get louder. This is it, heâs really about to see you. Finally, after so long.
What will you say? Will you say anything? Will you smile at the sight of him? Have you noted the lack of him in your days, just as heâd lamented it through his nights? Have you missed him?
Mind a frenzy of questions, it steals away the joy of watching you step into the room.
Instead, you seem to almost manifest before his eyes, two steps through the door and two hands behind your back. Scanning you from head to toe â and confirming a lack of bumps, cuts or bruises â his shoulders fall slack as he reaches your face at last.
You are smiling.
At him.
âHowdy, stranger!â Normally, heâd find your attempt to mimic some poor stereotype of his accent irritating at best, infuriating at worst. Right now, however, still riddled in withdrawals of you, Joel allows a corner of his mouth to quirk up. âLong time no see!â
Thereâs a million things Joel thinks to say to you.
Like how your absence has been painfully noted. Or tips on the proper ways to throw a punch, lest you wind up like him, bruised fingers and all. Or like the way heâs missed tasting your cooking, and the way you standing there, lit up in the doorway, radiant smile and electric eyes, seems to be healing a little piece of his fragmented heart, yet shaking his nerve-stricken hands. None of these thoughts manage to reach the surface.
Instead, Joel inhales.Â
And chokes on the stem of the strawberry.
âOh my god, Joel!â Youâre quick to react, shrugging off the bag from your shoulder and rushing over to him. You clap your hand over his back several times, and perhaps itâs the heat of feeling you touch some part of him at last, that final piece of confirmation that youâre real, and breathing, and standing so close to him in this kitchen, but he continues to feign choking even moments after he rids himself of the blockage. âYou okay there, big guy? Donât go dying in this kitchen or else Billâs gonna lose his shit!â
Big guy. Thatâs new. Joelâs indecisive as to how he feels about such a name.
He means to say heâs fine, but then your hand is soothing over his back in comforting rubs. And when he works up the nerve to tell you heâs okay, youâre holding a glass up to his lips and feeding him water down his burning throat.
Itâs nice to be comforted.
Itâs even nicer to be comforted by you.
Catching himself moments away from leaning into your touch, Joel stumbles a single step back, colliding with the very same counter edge heâd tasted you against, and looks past you. Because he canât look at you, not when the unfocused version of you that takes up space in his peripheral seems so tangible, bright, touchable. If Joel wanted to, heâs mere inches away from being able to sink his teeth in and eat you alive.
Itâs dangerous, how much he wants to.
He spies your backpack, discarded on the ground, contents from it spilling out across the tiled flooring. Most of its junk â some nuts and bolts heâs sure Bill will find a place for, scraps of papers and faded movie posters that reminisce on what the world once was, a miscellaneous cloth stained in the red ink of death that has Joel questioning just who exactly had been bleeding â but thereâs something else capturing his attention.
Itâs not fully out of the bag, merely a corner of it peeking out the pulled-back zipper and gifting him the view of a worn-down box heâs sure was once a colour more akin to yellow than its current rotting brown.
ââS that ya got?â He slips past you, hands reaching out and heading straight for the obscure item. The cardboard welts under the pressure of his grip, the top of the box popping open with an uncomfortable ease.
âOh, thatâs what I wanted to show Frank-â The moment Joelâs eyes read over the faded slogan, he has no time to wait on a real answer, flipping the lid to a trash can open and dangling the box over the top. âHey, what are you doing?!â
âThrowinâ this shit out-â Youâre near him. No, next to him, body heat mingling with his own as you shoot forward and try your luck at prying your treasure out of his grip. But Joel is stronger, larger, quicker, arm stretching up above his head and holding the box out of your reach.Â
He doesnât comment on the fact the little jump you give as you try to reach only invites him to ogle the bounce of your tits under your shirt.
 âWhy? Itâs harmless,â you plead against him, with your tone of voice and your eyes of sorrow, pitiful in the way they twist up his insides and leave him craving your blinding smile. Still, heâs an immovable force, grip tightened on the box as his other hand clamps down around your wrists, prying your hands away from him. âItâs literally just cake mix!â
You fight back, wriggling and squirming, trying your best to slip through his fingers. Joel squeezes tighter, ignoring the bile that burns the back of his throat as he pictures you come sunrise, bruises of his fingerprints burnt into your flesh. A new wave of nausea follows as the familiar heat returns to his loins, a feral part of him preening at the fact youâll own some part of him, even as heâs miles away and crawling back through the gutters of the QZ.
âAinât no way in hell I'm lettinâ you eat that.â He says it for your own good, your own safety.
All the same, the eerie calm that comes over you makes him feel dirty and immoral for letting such words slip out.
âLetting me?â You parrot his words. With frozen features, you seize all fighting, all resistance, hands going slack in his hold. An unsettling smile overcomes you, something malevolent lurking beneath the surface of your typical kindness. âJoel, youâre no one to let me do anything. You have no say, no control, whatsoever. Understand?â
Itâs a kick in the guts.
And not because he wants to control you. Or, maybe, if heâs honest with himself, a part of him does want to. Wants to keep you wrapped under his arm where no threat can approach you, longs to spend his working days awaiting the return to safety in the shape of a bed warmed by you, him and all the delicate sins you could share. But, more-so, because it makes him feel powerless, unable to put distance between you and harmâs way.
Heâd felt true powerlessness years back, blood on his hands and a lifeless daughter in his arms. A shot missed and a whole lot of sobbing later, heâd vowed to never put himself in a position to feel that again. He kept Tommy close, to an obsessive degree. And when Tess came along and he eventually let himself give into the feeling of accepting another pair of lungs into his family, he kept her closer, living a life of keeping a watchful eye and a ready hand for any moment of violence. Heâd do the same with you, if youâd just let him pull you into his circle, a space freed up ever since Tommy left him with nothing but a string of curses and an I donât ever wanna see your face again to remember him by.
Of course, Joel doesnât tell you that.
Instead, he gives in to the irrational anger your fighting back awakens in him.
âThe flour, you stupid girl, âs what started all this shit.â He spits the words out, mind barely registering the way you flinch back when his face inches closer to yours. âBut if you wanna turn yourself into some mushroomed freak, then go âhead and be my guest.â
Itâs like a fog clears and, suddenly, your calmness feels less threatening and that tinge of whatever it was â violence, disobedience, assertiveness? â in your eyes slips away and makes space for amusement. Only, the amusement will not sit still, seeping out of you in bright eyes and poorly held-back giggles.
Heâs so caught up in it, caught up in you, that he fails to register you stepping closer. Itâs only when he feels the brush of your breath against his cheek, and the bump of his nose against your own as he leans down into you, that the lack of space between you sinks in.
âYou donât have to worry about me, Joel.â The biggest lie of the century. Heâs well aware of your prone-to-accident self, losing count of the amount of times heâs spotted bruises all over you and listened to Frank recount tale after tale of how youâd walked into a door, and stumbled down some stairs, and tripped over your laces. If anything, youâre the only thing Joel has to worry about. Especially with how much closer youâre getting, your own breath starting where his ends, chest pulling in to inhale and make space for his exhale. Perfect sync, a flowing motion, just begging to be ruined by locked lips and urgent kisses, feaverish passion thatâll leave him at a loss of both words and breath. âBesides, this batch is harmless...â
God, youâre so close. All he can smell is you â sweat, and wilted flowers, and vanilla, and a trickle of gunpowder. He can feel you, breasts pressing against his chest, hand pressing down on his aching shoulders, mouth taunting him a hairâs breadth away from his own. What he sees of you is far more torturous, bathing him in the impurity of coy looks, and teasing smiles, and soft skin yet to be marked by time and the torture of living. If Joel could just taste you, for just a second, then all those two hundred and four brutal days and sleepless nights would suddenly feel worth it.
Your eyes level with his own as the hand on his shoulder pushes him further down. Itâs going to happen, he knows this, heâs accepted this. Youâre going to kiss him, and heâs going to let you, and then heâs going to spend the rest of however long it takes for you to kiss him again thinking of how your lips feel.
Just a little closer...
Thatâs it. Kiss him.
Kiss him.
God, please. Kiss me.
âCheck the production date for yourself!â Like whiplash, you pull back and send him reeling, muscles stiffening in a rapid attempt to keep him from keening over at the loss of your supportive hold. The disappointment that follows robs him of the horror of realising heâs now empty-handed, the withered box of artificial flavours and powdery evils secured tightly in your own grip.
Youâre holding it out to him, finger pointing at a faded black ink. He squints his eyes and, sure enough, there it is: Mfg. 2001.
âStill donât mean you should eat it,â Joelâs stubborn, despite all, and canât seem to tamper down the burning in his loins that warns him against you eating such a thing. ââS gonna be long past its sell-by.â
âPlease,â you scoff, a snark-filled smile upon your face. You seem to be enjoying this act of defiance, or perhaps itâs the helplessness upon Joelâs face you find amusement in, torturing the older man with his inability to take care of you. âSell-bys are just recommendations for the weak-stomached.â
A disturbance comes in the sound of thundering steps. The door behind you slams open, handle leaving its indent in the wall with a brutal force.
There stands Tess, a shine of sweat on her forehead and nervous twitching in her fingers.
Something is wrong.
Joel feels sick.
Merely a moment passes before the two owners of the home join the scene, Frankâs hand nervously tugging back on Billâs arm the moment the man notices you, Joel and the nonexistent space that lives between you both.
âTess!â Bless, you seem unaware of the heavy atmosphere settling within the kitchen, throwing your arms out and darting forward to wrap them around the older woman. She halts you, holds you just that bit out of reach, and Joel nearly scolds her for leaving you looking like a lost puppy, deflated as your hands come to rest at your sides once more, cake-mix forgotten in your newfound disillusion and hitting the floor with a muted thud as it slips out your sweaty palms. âWhatâs wrong? Why are you breathing so heavily?â
âMe and Frank... we were walking...â She keeps pausing to heave in breaths. The grip sheâs got on you loosens and her hands slowly come to rest on her knees as she haunches over. Joel steps a little closer to you, hackles rising at the thought of danger. âA hole... Under the fence...â
Red alert. Loud, angry, threatening thoughts invade his mind, blaring at him like a siren refusing to go ignored. Heâs got his fingers wrapped around the holster that houses his revolver in a matter of seconds. The safetyâs on, heâll need to remember that before he dares use it.
âHow many?â He mumbles out, in true Joel fashion, and watches Tess meet his face at last. Confusion flashes through her features. âRaiders, infected, or whatever. How many of âem got in?â
He canât help the anger that rises in him, teeth grinding down to hold back the curses aimed towards Bill. He warned him, that first time theyâd met, to upgrade those damn fences.
âNo,â Tess struggles in another breath. Frank seems worried, but thatâs not what makes Joel sick to his stomach. Itâs Bill, whoâs pale as a ghost and uncomfortably quiet, eyes locked on the ground, that scares him half to death. âNothingâs got in. Itâs out, something got-â
âI swear I turned my back for one second, kid,â as if everything else wasnât enough, Bill makes himself gentle and cautious, approaching you like youâre a wounded fawn and Joelâs some menacing stag behind you, ready to stab his horns into the heart of any who mean you harm.
âWhat-â you start.
âThe hell are you lot talkinâ about?â Joel finishes.
They exchange looks among the three of them, each one more pressing in the way they plead the other to speak up, explain the situation.
Frank takes the fall.
âItâs Otis,â heâs exasperated, exclaiming it like itâs the heaviest of burdens. Joel canât quite see your face but he imagines whatever expression youâre wearing must be heart-wrenching, so much so that Bill can not bring himself to meet your eyes. âOtis is missing!â
Thereâs a sharp silence that takes over the room, scratching at everyoneâs eyes and burrowing itself down your throats, making a nest that gets in the way of whatâs spoken aloud.
Joel watches your head sluggishly nod. You stumble a few steps back, catching his boots beneath the heel of your own. His hands make haste with supporting you, physically and emotionally.
âHe was with me this morning,â Bill picks up again, tension thick in the air as his words slice through it. Heâs explaining himself, voice layered with guilt and other emotions Joelâs never imagined the man capable of. âOut in the chicken coop. Started barking at something past the fence and... none of us have seen him since.â
The revelation has Joel retracing his own steps and, indeed, no four-legged creature had launched itself at him earlier, as he and Tess entered the gates. Nor had any paw-prints followed his footsteps through the mud, and no ball had been dropped before him, followed by a demanding bark that was guaranteed to get him to give in and throw the damned thing, if only to shut the dog up. Otis has not crossed his path once, a realisation he never imagined would bring him desperation.
A deep gasp cuts through the tension.
A few deep breaths. Four, to be exact. As you attempt a fifth, you waver and your exhale grows shaky. You pull air in deeper and it doesnât seem to be enough, forcing your mouth open. The descent into hyperventilating is quick, a path Joelâs all-too familiar with, and the panic swells through your heart before anyone can try to stop it.
Joel acts fast, instinct leading his actions. He turns you to face him, grip firm on your shoulders as he holds your attention on him, big hands on your soft cheeks and tilting your head back to find your eyes. Glassy, wide, panicked. It's the hopelessness behind them that gets the best of him though.Â
âHeâs fine, alright? Probably just saw some rabbit he wanted to chase.'' It's hard for a man like him to sound optimistic. Were you anyone else, heâd be telling you how dumb you were to keep a pet in the first place, nothing more than another mouth to feed and another life to watch out for in an age where safety is a luxury. But you arenât anyone else, and Joel Miller will always be partial to his Sol. âHey, hey, listen tâme. Heâs gonna be okay. Bet heâs out there right now tryna find his way back, we just gotta meet him halfway.â
You nod along to his words, as though youâre listening, but your thousand-yard-stare says otherwise, eyes gazing past his wide shoulders. Unblinking, unmoving, you seem lost in a daze of emotions Joel's never prepared himself to see on your features. It twists at his guts to watch your figure attempt to follow him in the first steps he takes away from you, halted only by his own hands clasping down on your frame, coaxing you backwards until you find grip upon the kitchen counter.
After a cautious step back, eyeing you like youâre a wounded bunny two seconds from bolting, he turns to Bill. âGive me a few hours. Iâll track the dog and bring him home, alright?â
A half hour, a packed bag, and a rifle slung over his shoulder later, Joel finds himself at the scene of the crime, chicken shit on his shoes and his usual scowl on his face. Not having even stepped a foot out of the gated paradise and heâs already encountered his first obstacle: Otis has not clawed his way out of the fence but, instead, dug his way under it.
Fresh mud lays ahead, faint yet visible paw-prints lead off into the array of woods. He grabs a hold of the fenceâs newly exposed bottom and justifies the way he further destroys it, bending the metal to his will and proning his way under it, with his faith in Bill's ability to fix the hole up in the time it takes him to find the creature.
Moving to a crouch, and ignoring the crunch of his bent knees, he eyes up the prints in the mud. The sight of only one set of tracks gives him a fleeting moment of comfort, until the thought of Otis having chased after something already so far in the distance pops into his head.
Your voice calls out his name from behind.
Sweat slicked skin, your fingers grab at the wiry fence, ripping the thing up with far less care Joel had given it. Bill will still find a way to blame him for the extended damage.
âI'm coming with you,â you speak with such determination behind your voice, Joel nearly forgets to actually pay attention to what youâre saying.
His reaction is instinctual, shooting back to hold the fence down, struggling to keep you within its confines, gritting out a firm no. âYou sure as hell ainât.â
âYes, I am.â You tug uselessly at the fence. The wires stretch a third time, until a few snap.
âNo.â
He holds his ground.
âYes.â
You wriggle a hand under the fence, an action that forces him to loosen his grip. He canât risk harming you, not even for your own good.
âNo, you are-â
âJoel, please,â thereâs exhaustion in your plea. A hint of desperation, too. He catches how you glimpse over your shoulder and observes the only item you carry â a distressed looking stuffed bunny with an ear missing. You glance over your shoulder again and it hits Joel. Youâre nervous, in a rush. Youâre here without anyoneâs knowledge, that same look of panic in your eye as a teenager sneaking out of their window. âJust- I donât want to sit around doing nothing. I want to find Otis.â
Talking is limited.
Instead, what fills its place is the sound of crunching leaves beneath heavy boots, and birds cawing and cooing in the trees above, and your incessant need to hum along to some melody playing in your head, distracting Joel to a dangerous degree.
This distraction leads to a close encounter, one where itâs only your swallowed scream as you stumble closer to him in fear, body seeking out some form of protection â he canât tell if you view him as a mere shield or a sworn knight prepared to draw his weapons and, frankly, he winds up too caught up in your hands grabbing at his sides and your shaken figure melting against his own to care â that clears the haze in his eyes and sets his sights straight, gun drawn and aimed directly at the infected creature running towards you both.
He misses his first shot â shaky hands, one he partially blames on your proximity and the adrenaline it brings â but makes up for it in his second one, shooting point blank range and sending the creature crumbling to the ground, a bullet-hole in its forehead.
You both wait a few minutes, listening out for anymore rustling, before Joel deems things safe enough to continue and motions you with his head to follow.
From then on, you stick closer, alternating between walking a step or two ahead or behind him. He keeps a grip on the gun, unwilling to reholster it, and wordlessly hands you a shiv he has, ignoring the way you seem to perfectly curl your fingers around the weapon and practise a swinging motion, stabbing at the air with a deadly confidence Joel's never imagined to associate you with.
It forces him to rethink everything heâs come to believe about you over the years, and requestion just how exactly youâd wound up under Billâs roof.
You interrupt his thoughts, the first to speak as always.
âIf you donât mind me asking-â
âI do.â
Undeterred, you smile and push through with your probing. âWho taught you to shoot?â
âMy old man,â it takes him a few minutes to gruff it out. Or maybe itâs a bit longer than a few minutes, the sunâs shine seeming a lot less dim from when youâd asked. You say nothing, however, donât even gasp in surprise at his eventual answering. âDragged me out back to where heâd tied up our dog, poor thing had been sick for a while. Told me we werenât goinâ back in till I shot it. Mustâa stood there for hours.â
And that was that.
As much as Joel had felt you wanting to say more, youâd dropped the subject â maybe youâd noticed the dullness in his voice or the way his grip on his gun had tightened â and heâd never been more grateful for your ability to read him, without him even needing to open his pages for you.
You make camp by nightfall.
A clearing amongst the wooden areas, small enough to keep you hidden yet big enough to stretch out your legs. you ask for a campfire, and Joel denies you of it. âS too risky, heâd explained the instant he caught you deflating his objection. Donât need no smoke signals bringing us any unwanted visitors.
Heâd given you the coat off his back instead, a token to heat yourself up with as the pair of you quietly ate away at the tin-can meal Joel had been saving for the journey back to the QZ.
Chef Boyardee has never tasted better, however, after watching you place the can up to your lips and tilt your head back, swallowing down the artificial flavouring.
You donât seem to agree, grimacing at the taste. âI donât know how you can eat that.â
âIf you think thatâs bad, you donât wanna know what theyâre feedinâ us in the QZ.â Itâs a privilege youâll never understand, this sheltered life you lead among Billâs traps and fences. You eat fresh eggs, and cook red meat, and nurture food out of the ground, while Joel fights tooth and nail to scrape up some measly ration cards. Oddly enough, he's not angry at your lack of understanding. Heâs glad, happy you have a quality of life far better than his own.
âI'm surprised they feed you at all,â for all your grimacing, youâve yet to stop taking mouthful after mouthful of the canned food. You must not have eaten much out on your run, Joel concludes. âConsidering you eat Bill out of his whole stock each time you visit.â
He wants to defend himself, tell you itâs not true. Tell you itâs only the food prepared by your gentle hands and caring soul that he devours, in chase of satisfying another hunger he should not dare place upon you. That it is nothing more than Joel settling for a piece of your love, hoping that if he takes enough bites and chews enough times, itâll seep into his skin, his bones, his bloodstream. Itâs the only way he figures he can hold a piece of your heart next to his, until it stops beating.
But that is a burden a man like him does not place on a woman like you, so he bites his tongue and swallows down the rest of his dinner.
âThe hell are we, middle-schoolers?â
A squawk of birds fly from their perch in the trees above, spooked by the unexpected boom of Joelâs voice. Itâs an accident, flying out of him before he can really stop it and consider the dangers of loudly proclaiming your whereabouts to anything â living or dead â within a ten mile radius to hear. But youâre being ridiculous.
Your suggestion is ridiculous.
And youâre shushing him, a giggle behind the index finger you press to your lips, eyes shooting up to where the birds have fled, catching the reflection of the stars in your pupils and knocking the wind out of his chest, momentarily, with how bright they seem to shine.
âNo, weâre two adults about to engage in a serious game of 21 Questions,â you speak like you live: much softer than Joel. No creature seems to hurry away at the sound of it and, in the fading memories he possesses, he can almost picture your voice drawing in all the critters of the forest, like that Disney princess sheâd loved so much. âAnd that counts as one of your questions, by the way."
He has no plans on entertaining your childish play. Heâll sit there, heâll watch out for any suspicious shadow lurking about in the dark, heâll listen to whatever ridiculous questions you throw at him, and heâll let you talk yourself silly, going in circles as he remains mute, and observant, and completely unwilling to answer to any of your-
âWhich means,â you drag out the word, a sing-songy melody to your voice. âItâs my turn to ask you something, mister.â Mister. A warmth blooms in the pits of his stomach, one that threatens to creep lower, beneath the waistband of his blood-stained jeans. âWhatâs your favourite colour?â
If looks could kill, youâd likely still be alive.
Perhaps a little bruised, but itâs the worst stare Joel can will himself to pin you with. No doubt, it feels more threatening to you that it truly is, splashed across his stoic face.
âWhat?â You question, and somehow have the nerve to laugh. âItâs like⊠The most common question people ask in this game. That, or who took your virginity, and I really donât think you want to tell me-â
âIâd just gotten my first job as a pool-boy. Pay was shit, but it covered my gas and left me enough to buy a six pack and a tub of wings,â the words fly out of him with an ease they never have before. Somehow, this feels easier, less intimate than matters like his favourite colour. When he thinks that answer is enough, he finds your face, expectations written across it. Youâre waiting to know more. âI ended up with a few shifts working for one of our neighbours. She was a friend of my momâs, recently divorced, and with a whole new body sheâd bought with the divorce settlements.â
A spark of amusement flares in your eyes, that pretty smile stretching over your lips. He purses his own, trying not to think of pressing them against your mouth. Youâd still taste of the canned food you â reluctantly â devoured and, somehow, the thought messes his head up even more, the potential taste of the food, of the care he had been the one to provide you with.
âThat sounds like the beginning to a really bad porno,â you muse. Joel watches how you sit up a little straighter, legs tucking themselves up against your chest, chin resting atop your knees, arms engulfing yourself in their warmth, nose turning to take a quick inhale of his coat. He hopes heâll smell you on it, too, next time he does the same.
âSurprised you even know what that word means,â he regrets it the moment he says it, that sickening reminder of your youth against his own ageing disgrace. He doesnât know the exact years, but he know the difference would surely be enough to disgust a younger version of himself, the young father who once scowled at the sight of grey-haired men trailing their eyes down the bodies of wide-eyed girls, giggling by the bar as they flashed their fake-ids and sipped their first taste of â horrifically overpriced â alcohol.
âPorno?â You cut through his train of thoughts, unknowingly saving him from the downward spiral into memories best left behind, before the world went to shit. âYouâd be surprised what a little bit of courage and a whole load of ration cards gets you past FEDRA.â
That word, that name, that organisation, it sets off an alarm in Joelâs brain, red-alert and siren sounding. And it pulls forth a question, echoing in the woods before he even realises heâs speaking his thoughts aloud.
âYou were in a QZ? You werenât always with Bill?â
âPittsburg QZ, if you want to get technical. And then Hartford. No, I wasnât always with Bill.â He tries to picture it: you, confined to the horrors of city living, bargaining things for survival, facing the harshness of the power-tripping FEDRA officers. The thought proves too disconcerting, so out of line with the you who exists only within the confines of safety and comfort in his mind, that Joel has to stop himself from imagining more, imagining worse. You and pain do not, should not ever exist in the same space, not if Joel can do anything about it. âAnd those count as two separate questions, so now I get to do the same.â
He hadnât even meant to play into it, entertain your silly game. Heâd just needed reassurance, answers, to know no scars litter your skin and no wound has fractured your psyche. But youâve given him none of that. No comfort for his ailing soul, more questions for his troubled mind.
âWas it a one time thing,â unaware, or simply desensitised to his ways, you continue on with your questions, despite the frown he feels wrinkling at his forehead. âWith your neighbour?â Heâs glad to see you bring the conversation back to his own debauchery.
âNo.â
âOoh, scandalous! Joel Miller, local pool-boy turned toy-boy.â If he wasnât so busy fighting off images of you, young and scared, standing before armed FEDRA soldiers, Joel might have found it in him to crack a half smile at the amusement the sexual endeavours of his youth seem to gift you. âDid you fuck any other of your clientele, or were you and Miss Recent-Divorcee exclusive?â
âNo,â he says once more, then quickly clarifies. âI didnât sleep with other clients. But also no, we werenât exclusive.â
âDid your mom-â
ââS my turn, darlinâ,â Joel surprises even himself, cutting in before you can sneak a third question his way. Itâs like it finally hits him, the way this game has handed him the opportunity of a lifetime to learn the answer to any question heâs ever pondered over you. But all other questions, topics, seem to slip out his conscienceâs grasp, like sand slipping through fingers, as he feels himself dragged further into the fear youâve awoke within him, a fresh layer of worry he now holds for a version of you heâd never known, a version of you he can barely stomach the idea of. âHow did you meet Bill? Were you with Frank before?â
âGod, youâre bad at this game! Two questions, again!â And, yet, you say it with more humour than chastisement. You turn your face, again, nose bumping against the collar of his jacket. âBut no, I wasnât with Frank. I met them both at the same time, after I spotted them through their fences. I passed out, dehydrated, and I probably wouldnât have been brought in if it werenât for Frank insisting they couldnât just leave me out there to die.â
âYou were alo-â
âAh, my turn!â Your hand shoots out, index finger pointing across the space between you both. âDid your mum ever find out about you and her friend?âÂ
âNo, it ended before that could happen. She got herself a man her own age, and IâŠâ Got someone pregnant. The words stick to his throat, refusing to come out.Â
Reading his closed off pages, like you always do, your voice cuts through the air before he can let himself slip too deep into the sorrow.
âI was alone, when I met Bill and Frank. But I wasnât always.â Those four words are enough to make him ache. But I wasnât always. Who had you lost? How long did they survive? Did you feel their blood on your skin? The questions fly by so quickly, heâs struggling to pin-point which one he wants to ask first, which ones heâs allowed to ask. âHave you ever been in love?â
That quiets his mind. For a moment, itâs a welcomed incident. Then his heartbeat fills his ears, and itâs pounding, skipping over beats of its own rhythm, threatening to spread too much of that fear, too quickly to every vessel under his skin, that Joel has no choice, he has to give you an answer he doesnât want to, just to save himself from the impending tightness in his chest.
âGreen,â the words are a struggle to get out but he manages it, watching the confusions bleed into your soft eyes. âI never answered. Before. When you asked my favourite colour. Itâs green.â If you find his answer to be too late, or youâre disappointed at his clear avoidance towards your latest question, you donât give it away. You just nod, smile softly, and wait for him to take his turn. âWhy were you alone?â
âEveryone changed, got bit, or died. I didnât want to be next.â Perhaps heâs a fool. Perhaps he underestimated the resilience you keep under warm sweaters and easy-going smiles. Because you sit there, not a tear welling in sight, and talk about the things youâve lost like they donât haunt you. Like you havenât spent every waking moment since trying to find them, evidence that they were real, and that theyâd mattered, and that theyâd loved you. Like you havenât drowned in grief, the way he has. Youâve swam, instead, against the current, crawled to the safety of shore. âWhoâs your butterfly?â
The question catches him so off guard, so out of left field, so completely and utterly nonsensical, that he just canât help himself. âMy what now?â
"You know, the whole âif a butterfly flaps its wingsâ,â you trail off, hands curling tighter around yourself after performing air quotes. âWho's one person that changed the trajectory of your life?"
He cannot run.
He cannot repeat his earlier trick, deflecting with the answer to a previously spoken â and visibly ignored â question. Because, no matter which of your two questions he chooses to focus on, the answer remains the same. That little girl, with a smile like sunshine, sitting at the breakfast table, egg yolk on her cheek, ketchup all over her tiny, chubby, little fingers, an incoherent babble of excited squeals as he, once again, drives the choo-choo train â in truth, a fork-ful of food â towards her lips.
Youâve got him backed into a corner, no out, no escape. His mind, a cruel torturer that takes advantage of his own panic, thrusts yet another memory into the VHS of his mind, broadcasting it against the back of his eyelids, forcing him to see the granny pictures every time he blinks. Her first step. Her first day at school. Her first time trying a sip of his beer and absolutely hating it. Her. Her.
Suddenly, heâs angry. The only response he ever seems to conjure at the memory of her.
ââS this what this whole things all about, huh?â Itâs snarky, itâs cruel, and it's punctuated by a scoff. The fact you donât even react, face unchanging beneath the shine of the moon, only seems to make him angrier, outrage for the fact youâre letting him speak to you like this, fury for allowing himself. âYou want me to tell you somethinâ traumatic, somethinâ for you to pity me over? And then what, you gonna give me your own little sob story so we can have ourselves a lilâ pity party? Newshflash, princess, you ainât special just cause your mama died and your daddy never wanted you.â
âAre you done?â You speak only after a silence has permeated the space between you for a few minutes, nothing but Joelâs laboured breaths filling the night air.
Heâs not even sure when he started breathing so heavily. His heart is still working itself into a frenzy, his mind still off the rails. The eire calm that remains over your face seems to bring him momentary respite from the pain, if only to feel himself bracing for a new wave, a worse wave. One born from you. From your pain. And one that Joelâs entirely unprepared, and undeserving, to have wash over him.Â
"I didn't really notice it at first, you know?â You speak so softly, he almost doesnât hear you. But he does, and it hurts. âHell, it wasn't even really me that realised. Bill did. Iâd only been staying with them three nights, just until I got back on my feet. Back then, he used to barricade my door at night, and he wouldnât let me eat at the same table as them both, not even when Frank insisted. But, suddenly, Bill flipped the switch on me. He became apologetic, careful, asking me if I was feeling okay and actually sounding⊠interested in the answer.â
Much like the thought of you in a quarantine zone, the thought of Bill being anything but utterly protective and completely trusting of you does not seem plausible in Joelâs mind, no matter how much he believes you. The image, simply, will not conjure in his mind, too out of shape with the current reality heâs witnessed.
You continue talking after a pause for composure, those eyes that trap him so easily now frozen to the ground, staring at some smudge of mud on your boots.
âFrank was the first one to actually say it out loud, to ask me if I... Anyway, it was hard to tell but we all agreed, eventually, that I had to be around three or four months along. It made sense, timewise. There were some raiders, they found my camp a few weeks before I collapsed outside Billâs gate. I⊠I don't even really know which one of them sealed the deal. All I know is all of them were on me, and none of them cared about how hard I could kick.â
He almost calls you by your name, then by the name heâs given you. Sol. But itâs too pretty a word, too undeserving of being tainted by the anger he feels coursing through his veins, a bloodlust like no other making home for itself in his loins.
âI didn't really care that much about it, as horrible as that makes me sound.â It doesnât make you sound horrible, at all. Joel could show you horrible, if you just gave him a few faces and the permission to do with them, punish them as he pleased. âIt was just a means to an end. A deal to keep myself safe. They'd let me live under their roof, and I'd give them the baby. We never⊠discussed what would happen to me, once I held up my end of the bargain. Never got the chance to, really.â
And suddenly, Joel Miller is the greatest asshole to ever walk the planet.
Not only the greatest asshole, but a hypocrite, too. You ainât special. Well, neither is he, moping around life with a chip on his shoulder and baggage the weight of a dead daughter. He isnât the first parent to outlive a child, to lose a child, and he wonât be the last. Heâll just be another name on the list, another poor soul.
The hoot of an owl. Itâs somehow a reminder that youâre both out, huddled in the privacy of a few trees, waiting for night to pass and the search to continue.
Those tears in your eyes still havenât fallen. My brave girl. But it feels condescending, and wrong. Not because youâre not brave. Because youâre not his girl. Youâre the sun, and heâs just another planet thatâs been sucked into your orbit. Dense, unfeeling, and miles away, forever circling you.
âOne minute, it's just a burden weighing down on my whole body,â your voice is so soft, itâs almost a whisper. Perhaps heâll be the one who cries. It sure feels like it, if he has to continue watching you fidget with your fingers and look anywhere but him. âAnd the next minute, it's screaming torture and the heartbreak of holding her barely-there body in my arms. That guilt... of not even knowing how much I wanted her until I got the chance ripped away, thatâs something that never really goes away. It lingers, it changes you, forever."
God, does it linger.
Heâs tried to lose track. Heâs tried to make himself forget the years that have gone by, all in the hopes of getting through that September day, completely unaware of it. But he canât.
Just like how he canât think of what to say right now.
He knows he should comfort you.
He thinks he should tell you his own story, his own loss. Let you know that the grief you feel is not a lonesome one. But then heâd be worse than a hypocrite. He would be a liar, and thatâs one thing heâs getting tired of being, especially when it comes to you.
âWhat,â he pulls in a deep breath, eyes flickering off you for a moment to watch figures that move in the distance. Tree branches, swaying in the wind. The temperatures are dropping even more, and heâs got no other layers to keep you warm with. âWhat were you gonna name her?â
Youâre gracious enough to utter a name, softly, and finally your eyes flicker up from the ground and meet his own. The tiniest of smiles tugging at the corners of your mouth, the moon casting shadows down your face. You pull in a breath and stutter on its exhale, clearing your throat as if thatâs enough to regain your composure.
âThatâs her name. We buried her out back, under one of Frankâs flowerbeds,â thereâs a sickening kind of envy that coils itself around his chest. Even if it visibly hurts, youâre talking about her, youâre honouring her enough to share something about her existence. Joel canât do the same for his girl, a pain too harrowing, and, once more, he reminds himself that heâs the greatest asshole alive. âItâs silly but⊠I like to think itâs her whenever the snowdrops bloom.âÂ
â'S a nice name," heâs a pathetic excuse of a man, no courage to pull you close and tell you itâs okay. Tell you heâs sorry, for your loss and for his earlier harsh words. Tell you about his own daughter. Would you think heâs trying to outshine you in the pity party, if he told you he doesnât get to see what life blooms from atop his daughterâs grave?
"It was my mom's,â you snort over an unexpected laugh, as if you canât believe youâre admitting this to him. Or maybe itâs not that. Maybe itâs a sense of relief, a lightness coming over a heart previously weighed down by grief. If he could do that for you, even if just slightly, heâd feel as though the tears shining in your eyes are worth it. âShe'd have hated to see me use it, she was never a fan of it, but I couldn't think of a better name for someone I love so much."
Something awful hits him, square in the jaw and deep in the gut.
He canât remember why he called her Sarah.
Youâre sleeping next to him.
Heâs spent the better half of what feels like an hour trying to ignore this fact. Stared at the sky, just to count each freckled star that shines through in the dark. Closed his eyes and tried counting sheep. Rolled over, back facing you, and tried to just fall asleep, once and for all.
But itâs sisyphus. Each time he feels himself about to slip into the discomfort of sleep, you twitch a leg or mumble something incoherent, and heâs back to being far too aware of you, squeezed in beside him in what must be the worldâs least spacious sleeping bag. The worst thing is, it had all been his idea.
Youâd been yawning, eyes slipping shut just to be opened in defiance by your own stubborn self, unwilling to give into the sleep you so visibly needed. Heâd told you to go to sleep, the words coming out soft for once yet, somehow, still a demand. When you nodded in agreement instead of standing your ground, Joel knew you must have been exhausted.
You told him that you hadnât imagined the search would last overnight, that you hadnât grabbed a single thing to sleep with. Not even a blanket. Which was fine, really, because Joel had no intention of closing his eyes. Heâd rolled out his sleeping bag and told you to take it, he didnât mind. It would be one more thing of his that smells like you.
But you wouldnât stop tossing and turning. Restless, cold, and completely distracting to Joel as he tried to will himself to focus on what was important, any approaching threat, and not the shape of you wrapped in his belongings. A fruitless endeavour, that earns him nothing but a string of words rolling off his tongue: âMove over.â
And now heâs here, regretting ever thinking he could possibly lay next to you, exchange body heat, and somehow just will himself to fall asleep.
You squirm, hand fisting at the well-used material of his sleep roll. Laying on his back, he glances over at you. The itch to snake his arm beneath your head, offer a makeshift pillow to spare you from the hard floor, grows harder to ignore the more he looks at you.
Itâs not the only thing that grows harder, however.
Maybe itâs because he can smell you, all over and around him, staining your memory into the fabric of the sleeping bag so he can lament how empty it feels the next time he sleeps it in. Maybe it's because he can feel you, scattered points where the heel of your foot rests against the slope of his ankle, and the swell of your ass presses into his upper thigh, and your back brushes against his arm with every slow breath you take. Maybe it's all more simple than that, like the mere knowledge that youâre actually here, in his presence, after so many months, and Joel Miller is just a man, susceptible to the pleasures of flesh and starved of you.
Whatever the reason is ultimately doesnât matter. Lamenting over it wonât change the stiffness of his cock as it fights beneath denim confines, an uncomfortable throb that demands his attention. And heâs trying so hard to resist, trying so hard to pretend heâs not aware of his own body and the erection itâs bestowed upon him.
But you wonât stop moving, you wonât lay still. Deep in sleep, you taunt him, unawares to the way each soft sigh sends his mind barreling down into the depths of sinful thoughts, and each wriggle, squirm, repositioning of your hips serves no purpose other than to push you closer to him, deeper against the straining fabric.
He flirts with the idea of unbuckling his belt. It would be easy, his hand already resting stiff by his side, itching to shove down layers and feel the weight of his own cock. It barely even makes a sound, a soft clink muffled beneath the blanket, followed by the pop of a button, and the zing of a zipper sliding down. He glances at you, heart rate picking up, and confirms youâre just the same as moments ago: fast asleep.
As much as he wants to peel off his layers completely, he settles for the safer option of pulling down his jeans and briefs enough to free himself, full fist wrapping itself around his base. A swift tug, a tight-jawed hiss. The thrill of it runs right up his spine, a torture that he wants another taste of.
He wants to snake his hand up to his mouth and wet the palm with his spit, but he canât, wonât, the risk of too much movement waking you. So he settles into his fate, a series of uncomfortably dry and unfluid strokes of his cock, nothing but the drops of his own precum to lubricate his movements.
Slow, steady, he runs his palm over his length in sync with your breathing. Your lungs expands, his fingers brush the tip, they deflate and heâs down at the base, trying hard not to brush against his heavy balls. Images of you, the same ones he plays on repeat when heâs working himself to an orgasm in the safety of his and Tessâ apartment, or balls-deep in some faceless stranger, hidden in the darkness of some back alley. Breathless in the kitchen, gripping a knife like your mind grips at its sanity as he bruises his knees from drinking between your thighs. Perched atop his lap, the metal of the truckâs hood creaking with each bounce you give, fuckin yourself further down his length, forcing him deeper and deeper.
His eyes slip shut as he lets the memories take over, replaying for his own viewing pleasure. He tries to match the tightness of his hand to the tightness of your cunt, but his own touch is cold, unfeeling, dry, nothing like the sweetness of you. The version of you that lives in his mind throws her head back lips parted in a cry of pleasure. Joel, she â you â moans, gripping him tighter, pert nipples straining through the thin fabric of a shirt. His shirt. God, you looked so good, so safe in his coat, he shouldâve stripped you down to nothing but it, and taken you there against the dirty woodland floor, on all fours, ass in the air, face in the dirt, Joel all over you.Â
Joel, he can hear it, the way youâd sink down fully to the floor, forcing him to follow you, smother you in his whole weight, hips tilted up enough for him to keep drilling himself deeper, and deeper, and deeper.
âJoel,â he hears you. Real you, turning towards him in the tight squeeze of the sleeping bag. Sleepy eyes meet his own and he sees it, the recognition. You know what heâs doing beneath the surface of the sleeping bag. Before he can fully register this, the touch of another hand â far more delicate â envelopes his own, tightening his grip before he can dare to retreat. âYou should be asleep.â
âCanât,â he grits out, powerless to the sudden movement of your hand, the slow drag in which you guide him to jerk at his cock.
âWhy not?â
âYou know why.â
âI do,â you admit with a soft shrug, eyes glued to his own. âStill, I wanna hear you say it.â
One glance down and he sees the way you touch him beneath the blanket, wishing he could rip it all away and watch your fingers, intertwining with his own, smother over his leaking tip, staining your skin in his pleasure.
Itâs embarrassing how much of a mess heâs becoming, all at the mercy of little old you, and your sparkly eyes, and your sleepy smile, and your guiding hands. Itâs embarrassing how softly the confession parts from his lips.
âBecause of you.â
âMe?â You question immediately, feigned innocence striked across those tired, doe-like eyes he likes so much. âAll Iâve done is try to sleep. Youâre the one who canât keep his hands from wandering. Are you really that weak Joel?â
âYes.â
âDo I make you weak?â
âYes, fuck!â He feels like heâs gone back in time and youâre playing with him, twenty-something questions or whatever the fuck youâd called it. Feeling his balls tighten, an urgency to touch you, feel you, make you feel good takes hold of him. âIâm gonna- Ahh, baby, let me- Let me feel you.â
But you wonât let him. Tightening your hand around his cock, continuing those up and down motions, inching him closer and closer to the orgasm heâs trying so hard to stave off.
âNo, Iâm too tired,â even your little whine is enough to drive him mad, a sigh out your nose as he watches you snuggle into the width of his chest, a throbbing pain taking over his heart. How can you seem so sweet with your fingers sitting tight around his cock? âLet's just lay like this, feel me like this. Let me make you feel good.â
âTell me youâre wet,â it becomes a need, a desperation, born in his heart and spreading all throughout the rest of him, to know youâre enjoying this torture as much as he is. To know youâre not simply touching him as a means to get him off, over and done with, mind silenced to sleep by the haziness of spilling his cum.
âI am,â you soothe his minor fear, and he feels the gentle roll of your hips into his thigh, leg tangled between both of his as you grind your clothed cunt against him. âSo wet. Love touching you, Joel.â
âYeah?â He croons back, voice teetering off into literal begging, his free hand perched on the tip of your chin and tilting your eyes up to meet his. âThen let me fuck you, please.â
âNo, justâŠâ You say, shaking your head, rolling your hips, teasing at the slit in his tip with the tip of your finger. He canât help but hiss, a grunt catching in his throat. âJust wanna focus on you. Wanna see you cum for me, Joel.â
Never have seven words been enough to make his resolve snap.
With a pathetic cry of your name, Joel feels the first rope of cum spray against his knuckles. Sticky, hot, thick, it dribbles down the cracks of his fingers onto your own, making a mess out of both of you. Youâre there, closed palm, sweet lips, soothing him with words of kindness as you carry him through the motions of his orgasm, no doubt working your wrist into a dull ache as you squeeze every last drop of cum out of his weeping tip. He doesnât want to think of the mess that awaits him beneath the sleeping bag, sticky cum staining soft skin, and rough jeans, and nylon material.
What he wants is for you to keep going, stroke him until his cock regains its full stiffness, standing to attention and ready to feel you in the ways heâd pleaded moments earlier, like he felt you months earlier.
Maybe this time heâd try your other hole. Heâs wondered, on lonely nights where nothing but his hand has kept him company, how much convincing it would take until youâd bend over and present him with the pretty little creases of your puckered hole. Youâd protest, he knows. call him disgusting, degenerate, dirty. Shame him for even wishing to touch you in such a vile manner. Joel could handle it. Heâd always had a preference for the chase, the thrill of wearing a pretty thing down off its high horse of holier-than-thou syndrome and onto their knees before him.
Heâd not be kind. No, not when the time comes. Heâd ease himself in, sure, but the true battle would begin once heâs sheathed inside and the tightness of your hole hugs his cock in the warmest of embraces. Heâd push, and pull, and break you down into whatever surface he takes you against. His hands would join in, bringing an electrified pleasure to your neglected cunt while his hips piston into the plumpness of your cheeks. Theyâd move in sync, working to ensure no second passes where youâre not full of some part of him - be it his cock in your ass or his fingers in your cunt.
Exhausted and defiled, your poor body would have nowhere else to run than to the comfort of his embrace and the sweet serenity of peaceful sleep, once heâs through with you. And, should you wake to cry of a newfound pain in your rear, Joel would waste no time in snaking his way down between your legs to mouth at your cum-stained hole, laving his tongue over you and painting your thighs in apologetic kisses until you can no longer speak of pain, his name the only word youâll ever need to know.
But, alas, time is catching up on him and the blood refuses to return to his cock.
Exhaustion wraps you both in its blanketing warmth, melting your head down against his chest with ease, hands still missing somewhere between his thighs. Every soft breath that leaves you hits the skin of his neck, a physical, timely reminder that youâre there, in his arms, closer than youâve ever been.
The thought is frightening, enough to get his heart racing in his chest. He can only assume you hear it, feel it beating against your ear.
âIâm sorry, Joel,â you whisper, just when he feels himself teetering towards the edge of sleep.
âHmm?â He hums back in lieu of a verbal response, eyes heâd not even notice close peering open to look down at you.
âI didnât mean- I wasnât trying to make you angrier with the questions.â Angrier. That word leaves a sour taste in Joelâs mouth. âItâs just⊠Youâre a good man. You care about others. About Tess, and Bill, Frank too. About me. But you have this chip on your shoulder⊠I just wanted to try to understand you better, I wanted to make you feel better.â
With your soft voice echoing in his head, he feels himself sinking into a dreamless sleep, a reply caught on the tip of his tongue.
Something wet wakes Joel.
Itâs a slow return from the land of sleep, the longest that itâs taken him in years to go from peacefully resting to wide-eyed and alert to every surrounding. The first thing he registers is how warm everything feels, how cosy. How much he enjoys the weight of something in his arms, breathing softly into his chest.
Then, that something wet itches at his skin, drags across his cheek. He tries to open his eyes, only to hiss and squeeze them shut, the bright burn of the morning sun nearly blinding him. A few birds sing from the trees above, exchanging their good-mornings with the rest of natureâs critters.
A groan comes from his left, muffled against the flannel of his wrinkled shirt. He readjusts himself, pulling the weight even closer, and finds out he was right: your smell already lingers in his sleeping-bag. A third lick of wet, this one from chin to eyebrow, a cringe overcomes his tired face.
Lick.Â
His eyes snap open, fight against the burning of the light, and there he sees him. Otis, to the right, mouth panting, tongue dangling out his mouth, tail wagging somewhere in the background. Joel tries to move as slowly as possible, fearful of spooking the dog, and even more fearful of spooking you, eyes still shut and hand nestled atop his groin, fingers tangled in coarse hair and poking beneath the layers of his top.
âSunshine,â he whispers, shaking gently at your shoulder, and nearly apologising as you crack an eye open and pin him with a deadly stare. Youâre not much of a morning person, a fact Joel fools himself into thinking heâll need to remember for the future. He gives your shoulder another shake, a gentle squeeze too, for extra measure. âCâmon now, gotta open those eyes properly for me. Got someone here whoâs mighty excited to see you.â
That seems to entice you, eyes peering fully open and giving him a once-over before mumbling a soft, âwhatâre you talking abo- My baby-boy!â
No sooner than youâve shot up straight, arms wide and reaching for the furry creature, Otis has bounded over, trampling over the mess of limbs you and Joel make up beneath the nylon. Pathetic whines fill the air, a tail that moves a hundred miles an hour, as the canine smothers his snout into you, his luscious mane shining beneath the sunâs rays.
Youâre pressing kisses against the dog, tears brimming your eyes as you wrap your arms around his neck and tell him, over and over, âdonât ever do that again! I was so scared!â The happiness is contagious, spreading with a small smile upon Joelâs lips as he peels himself off the floor, chest pressing into your back and hand stretching out over your shoulder, fingers tangling in the threads of Otisâ soft fur.
âMustâa caught scent of you, followed it all the way till it brought him to us,â Joel musses, feeling you laugh as the dog licks a kiss over your cheek. âHeâs a good boy. Arenâtâcha, boy?â
Neither of you mention the sticky dilemma between Joelâs thighs as you pack up. You roll up the sleeping bag while he wipes himself clean with a dirty shirt, quietly passing it your way as he slips off his belt and loops it around Otisâ collar, becoming a makeshift lead to guide the dog home with.
Though, as the four-legged creature sniffs on ahead, with the occasional pull that tests Joelâs grip on the belt, he almost seems to need no guide, leading you all in the direction of home. Your home, not Joelâs. But, what a wonderful thought that would be, if he were just a man, and you were just a woman, and you were both taking an early morning walk around the woods with your dog, catching the first rays of sun, together.
As if hearing his thoughts, Otis turns his head, looking at Joel over his shoulder, tail wagging as he lets out an excited bark. Up ahead, closer than heâd like it to be, stands the borders to Billâs sanctuary. Up ahead, sooner than heâd like it to be, the place where youâll part ways.
He finds himself slowing his pace. You do the same, no question, happy to simply have your fur-friend safe, by your side, the occasional brush of his snout against your upper thigh, searching for the affectionate stroke of your hand.
He needs to speak soon, act now, before itâs too late and the chance slips through his fingers. Joel clears his throat.
âMy, uh,â a lump catches the words as they try to leave him. He swallows it down in a gulp, and tries again. âMy daughter.â
Your face turns so quickly from the trail ahead to Joel, that he swears he hears a snap of something in your neck. Silence settles in like fog, mist on the horizon, a pause pregnant with so many questions he can see running through your pupils. You donât speak them, however, and it strangely eases his nerves, taking away the feeling of demand to reveal his pain, leaving him to peel off the band-aid at his own pace.
âShe was my⊠Whatever you called it, last night.â He sees you nod along, in the corner of his eye. Youâve both slowed to a mere shuffle, unaware of the three figures manifesting ahead, crowding on the other side of the fences. âThe one that changed my life. She was so⊠bright, I used to worry one day sheâd blind someone with her smile.â
In his memories, sheâs always a beacon of light. Shining, even in darkness. Joelâs almost convinced glitter, or starlight must have been weaved into her skin, her eyes, her smile.Â
âShe was everything good about me,â he says, and finds he canât help the small laugh that claws its way up his throat, scratching as it goes. âNone of the bad.â
âCanât imagine thereâs much on that list.â
âI know, âs hard to believe thereâs even one good thing about m-â
âNo, Joel,â he swears he feels his heart still at how you say his name, firm, and with conviction, like youâre trying to drill the sound into his head, remind him that he has a name, has a heart. âThe bad, it must be a short list.â
Three of you â man, woman, dog â find another similar trio waiting by an open gate. Frank, Tess, Bill, each more relieved than the last to see Otis nearly pulling Joelâs feet from under him as the animal surges forward, pulling against the belt-lead with all his might. You release both man and dog from the tug of war, unbuckling the belt from the German Shepherdâs collar and freeing him to pounce on Bill who, despite the frown embedded in his forehead at the dogâs incessant licking, claps a hand over its back.
Joel feels a hand clap down on his own back, snaking its way up to squeeze at his shoulder.
"C'mon, Texas,â Tess proclaims loud enough for all eyes to fall on them. Yours included, kind and questioning, making him wish he could stay. âWe're gonna be in shit if we're not back by sundown."
Bag already on his shoulder, Joel canât feign a reason to linger a little longer.
âWait!â You call out, parting from Frankâs side, fingers scratching at Otisâ head as you pass. Without warning, you throw yourself at Joel, arms wrapping around him and holding him close in the gentlest of embraces. âThank you, Joel.â Itâs just a whisper. Heâs not even sure exactly what youâre thanking him for. Still, he lays a hand against your back and pulls you a little tighter, one last rush of your shampoo hitting his nose before youâre stepping back and parting ways. You, heading back into the safety of Billâs gates, and Joel, walking off towards the desecrated city, back to the cold of his apartment.
When he wakes the next morning, beneath a roof and upon an uncomfortable couch, he feels time reset itself.
One day since he last seen you, who knows how many more days to go.
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STOP MAKING LOGAN SAY BUB IN SERIOUS OR ROMANTIC SITUATIONS WITH PEOPLE HE CARES ABOUT
WOULD YOU SAY âI LOVE YOU, BUDDYâ ON YOUR WEDDING DAY OR WITH YOUR SPOUSE DYING IN YOUR ARMS?????? OR DEAR GOD, IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX??!?!?
LIKE NOTHING TAKES ME OUT OF A FIC MORE OMG
like fic writers i love you but PLEASE
he canonically uses pet names that ARENT Bub
PLEASE
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Birdee my darling, Iâm here with a smit prompt that ALWAYS slaps for me:
â is this okay? â
Itâs the âšvulnerabilityâš for me đ Iâll let you choose who you like for this one (and as an X-Men girlie for YEARS now, I mean it when Iâm giving you free reign too!)
i am very much hoping you enjoy this, my love.<3
my girl
old man!logan x f!reader
Logan comes home after a scuffle and you clean him up. He finds a way to thank you.
read on Ao3
warnings: smut, some blood/injury, light angst
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note: This is something I've wanted to write for a while but I am well aware that not everyone will be into it. There are a few stories I want to tell that aren't the norm so I decided to start this nameless blog to tell them. I am not tagging anyone, if you find it then you find it. xo Joel(stepdad), significant age gap, female reader. 18+ legal, reader is 20 (warnings: pov sex, Joel spits on the đž, boobie play, really inappropriate dirty talk, an unused sex toy [will make an appearance in another chapter], female masturbation, daddy kink, unfit parent) 5.6k word count
He takes up so much space, and it wasnât just physically. He took up space emotionally, mentally. Mentally most of all. Your thoughts always drifted back to him. Cyclical. An elliptical pattern making him the top of every list youâd go through in your head. He seemed to know it too, in a stoic, quiet, largely unsettling way. Older, attractive men tended to do that.Â
It started during that in-between time, when summer, losing your job, and having to move back home pushed you to figure out what the fuck you actually wanted to do with your life seemed to come together like the planets aligning. The precipice of a turning point, a ticking clock counting down the days until your childhood bedroom would be turned into a gym, or an office, or a guest bedroom. The lukewarm welcome from your mother would ice over and youâd really have to get your shit together.Â
Your mother was what people who didnât know her would call âa free spiritâ, what you called her, was a fucking mess.Â
Your earliest memories consist of having to remind her to buy milk or to pay the bill because the electricity had turned off while watching cartoons in front of the tiny, living room tv. Youâd had to remind her, in not so many words, that she was the mother, and you were the child.Â
To your friends, she was the cool mom. The party mom. Your house was the place to be because she didnât ask questions, she left her cigarettes unattended and didnât mind if a few went missing. She kept the bar cart stocked, even if there was nothing but flies in the cupboard and nothing but half-empty condiment bottles in the fridge. Your friends loved it.Â
She flirted with the boys your age, she gave sex tips to the girls.Â
You smiled when they congratulated you on having the cool mom, and when they all went home, you retreated and pretended to be happy.Â
Joel settled her down. Met her in a bar and moved in quick. He came into the picture when you were fifteen and you were almost sure heâd be just like the rest of the lovers sheâd taken over the years. Youâd given the whole thing six months. Half a year for him to see what a fucking disaster she was. Six months to be a fucking creep, to cheat or get cheated on.Â
The only differences you could clock at first were that he was self-employed, and marginally better looking than his predecessors.
He was firmer though, less malleable than the others sheâd brought around, he seemed immune to her charms and that only inflamed her. It made her desperate for his approval and his attention. She would throw a tantrum, or play one of her mind games but heâd never rise to her bait. He was patient for the most part, until he hit his breaking point and his temper reared its head. A temper only she seemed to bring out in him.Â
To you, it was pathetic.Â
He didnât try with you though, there was no flattery or strong hand, only a silent respect. In a sense, he treated you as the adult, and her as the child. It worked for you, if heâd expected you to call him dad he would have been laughed at mercilessly and he seemed to know this.Â
The disturbing part was his respect and his healthy avoidance of you worked its own kind of magic. It made him an enigma, made you curious as to what he got out of the whole thing. A home, sure. A woman who was obsessed with him, yes. Sexâyes. You heard it enough for it to turn your stomach. By the sounds of it, he knew what he was doing.
The thought sickened the healthy part of your brain. The other part though, the part flooding your body with hormones, making it come to life with curiously intense sexual feelings, that part wanted to know what it was he was so good at. How could he pull those sounds out of anyone? It was easier to imagine him with some faceless woman.Â
It was shameful to imagine yourself.Â
The thoughtâalthough enough to fuel a desperate journey of self-explorationâalways filled you with an insurmountable guilt.Â
For those first few years you could barely look at him. Your mother took it as a healthy dose of teenage rebellion. That only aggravated you more. She never asked questions, never dug to see what the cause of your obvious distaste for her partner was about and so again, you retreated. He, however, kept to the outs of your path. He followed your lead, he let you control any and every part of all of your interactions. He didnât ask questions. He kept the lights on. He kept the fridge full.Â
He burrowed his way in, whether you liked it or not.Â
When you turned eighteen, you moved out. He helped, did his âfatherlyâ duties and moved you into the apartment, he urged your mother to take you on an extensive grocery trip, spoke to your landlord about the safety of the building. You supposed you should have been grateful, you should have said thank you, given him some sort of acknowledgement that you appreciated his help but you couldnât bring yourself to do it. Instead you said your mumbling goodbyes, and promptly closed the door on them. Neither of them complained.Â
The euphoria of venturing out on your own had lost its shine depressingly quick. A string of chronically unserious boyfriends came and went, the rent climbed higher than you could keep up with, and while already living paycheck to paycheck, you lost your job. Your cellphone had taken the brunt of your frustration at having to call your mother, begging her to let you come back home while you got back on your feet a little more than two years after youâd left.Â
Your teeth gnawed at your lips, your fingernails dug into the skin around your cuticles in the attempt to keep your voice sweet and pleading, in the end it was his voice that youâd heard in the background, tellingâno, commanding her to say yes. That he would be your champion twisted at your insides. Maybe a small, healthy part of you hoped heâd put up a fight, tell you that you were too old to be coming back home and that you had to figure it out on your own like an adult.Â
A healthy part of you hoped that heâd save you again, only from yourself. Hanging up with a heavy, resigned sigh, you set about starting the trek home, ignoring the swirling mess of annoyance, confusion, and perverse glee in your stomach.Â
-
The first few days were spent in a depressive episode, a seemingly inescapable loop of sleeping in late, leaving your room only when the house was empty to raid the kitchen for something to eat, scrolling mindlesslyâblindlyâon your phone and then staying up way too late only to do it all over again.Â
They didnât bother you, but if the annoyed sighs and narrowed eyes from your mother were anything to go by, the talk was coming soon. After the third day of the cycle, you circumvent it and wake up early-ish to shower and dress in something other than ratty old sweats long forgotten by an ex you couldnât quite remember.Â
You came down to find Joel sitting at the kitchen table. His eyes tracked the lines of you, raising an eyebrow inquisitively.Â
Your heart leapt. He should have been at work by now.Â
âGood morning.â It came out croaky, your voice almost reluctant to come out.Â
âMorninâ.â His hair was slicked back, the gray almost sparkling in the golden light. You fiddled with the hem of your shirt. His eyes were so intense, you found yourself stuck in place, like a deer in headlights and that ever present, deep-seeded anger reared its head. It was irrational that he should frustrate you so much with his calm presence.Â
âCoffeeâs fresh, if you want some.â He jut his chin out to the pot, lowering his eyes to his paper once more. Once his gaze had shifted, you found you could breathe again. You mumbled a thanks and moved to pour yourself a cup, thankful, if unsure why, to focus on something concrete instead of abstract self-reflection.
âYour mamaâs gonâ be late tonight. I thought I could pick up a pizza on the way home.â He says it offhand and again, your heart races.Â
âWhatever.â You scrunch your face up in annoyance, it sounded like such a bullshit, teen response. He doesnât comment on it, and that somehow makes it worse. You beat yourself about it as you root around in the fridge for the milk. The cereal you liked was in the top cupboard, and youâre not quite tall enough to reach it.Â
You heard his chair scoot back and then suddenly heâs there, beside you, pressed up tight. You follow the long line of his throat as he stares up, reaching the box with ease while one big, warm hand lands on your lower back. He smells like the laundry detergent your mother insists on buying mixed with something else. Manly, smoky, with coffee laced through. Your cunt clenches nonconsensually as he stands there and stares down at you, his whole front pressed against your side, his hand still holding your lower back. Your mouth hangs open, stupidly, and he raises an eyebrow again forcing something to kickstart deep in your gut.Â
âYou okay there babygirl?â The endearment feels unwholesome.
It triggers something strange, strengthening the underlying conflict for him. Thereâs a lilt in his tone you donât like, maybe because deep down you like it too much. Maybe you donât want to admit that, or analyze anything about what the fuck is happening in your body. In your psyche.Â
âYeah.â You step out of his bubble, barely managing not to trip over yourself in your haste to get away and put a healthy distance between you.Â
âYes. Thank you.â You take a deep breath, pressing your lips together tight in what you hope to God is a neutral expression.Â
He lets out a bemused huff through his nose, a mischief in his eyes shining out at you that youâve never seen directed at you. Youâve seen it used on your mom. Youâve seen her go giggly and flirty whenever he looked at her like that. A half-formed escape plan starts to form but he saves you from the need, he puts his things in the dishwasher, and nods his head in goodbye.Â
You practically hold your breath until you hear his truck rumble out of the driveway, and down the street.Â
-
You manage to avoid him for a few days, staying out late catching up with friends, or feigning a need for rest. Youâve convinced your mother that your days are now spent job hunting, and for the most part they are. You leave in the morning, avoiding any and all contact and you get home late, creeping up the stairs much like you did in your teens even though youâd really never needed to. Your mother never enforced a curfew, and when Joel joined the picture, he didnât pry.Â
The luck didnât last though, you got over-confident. He was sprawled out on the sofa, up uncharacteristically late one night when you padded through the house.Â
âYouâre up late.â You quickly check the accusatory tone, âDonât you have to get up early?â Better, it comes out more concerned than annoyed and he nods. He wore a threadbare t-shirt, the fabric of it having been through the wash too many times to keep its shape. Light, gray sweats were stretched almost obscenely tight over his spread thighs, pooling at his crotch from being shoved up by the couch.Â
âCouldnât sleep. Come sit, we can watch some tv.â He pats the seat next to him and despite the deep desire to retreat into the Joel-free haven of your bedroom, you cannot seem to disobey him.Â
You settle beside him on the couch, a little further away than was necessary. He chuckles softly.Â
âI ainât gonna bite you, girl. Not unless you ask nicely.âÂ
You pretend you donât hear it, choosing instead to compartmentalize whatever game heâs playing and stare at the screen. He flips through the channels, settling on one thing for a few minutes before moving to something else until he finds a movie thatâs already close to midway. Thereâs an electricity in the air, something about him galvanizing the space between you, charging it enough to make the hairs on your arms stand on end. You frown to yourself, barely paying attention while fighting an increasingly confusing mental battle. Why is it so hard to be around him? Why does he inspire such scorn? Is it scorn at all?
You rub at your eyes, scrubbing your hands down your face in a feeble attempt to wipe the slate clean.Â
Heâs just a man, a man your mother had chosen and for better or worse they seem to work. She is happy with him and he is seemingly happy with her, why then is it so hard to accept him for what he is? Something slithers around in your brain, something that laughs darkly, something pulsing through the network of thoughts and ideas that threatens to crack open your subconscious and throw it right in your face.Â
âWell now, ainât that somethinâ?â You pull your hands away from your face to see a very explicit scene playing out on the screen. Heat floods every inch of your body.Â
âAlmost looks like sheâs enjoyinâ herself.â He leaves it on, and you feel stuck, your body betraying you yet again to see the way the woman on screen moans wantonly while under a very handsome man. You let out a non-committal sound, teetering on the edge of madness. You scold yourself, you are an adult, an adult that has had sex before and this isnât even real.Â
âLooks like fake bullshit to me.â The strength in your voice lends credence to the illusion that you arenât affected. He laughs, calm and completely at ease and that only pulls the anger to the forefront again.Â
âThey canât show the real stuff on these channels. If it were real, heâd be doinâ what she needs.âÂ
âAnd whatâs that?â It comes out before you can stop it.Â
âWell,â He smiles to himself, winning a duel you hadnât even known you were fighting.Â
âIf it were real, heâd be pressinâ on her clit, heâd be makinâ sure she felt every inch of him and make her take his cock like a good girl.â You let out a heavy breath, half shocked, half grateful it wasnât a whimper.Â
Warning bells go off in your head, just as a heartbeat starts in your cunt because you can see it. You can see him. His face twisted up in pleasure but cocky, his hips moving, his thumb dipped into your mouth and then swirling around your clit. He smiles at catching you looking at his hands and you want to yell at him. You want to smack him across the face and kick him in the balls for saying something like that to you, his partner's daughter, but you donât.Â
Your body almost catapults you out of your seat. Barely unintelligible words come out, something about needing sleep, about being tired and then you hightailed it out of there like a bat out of hell.Â
The shower was cold enough to make your teeth chatter, but it did nothing to cool the heat blooming in your core and it was with a terrifying desperation that you ground against your fingers. The slick pooling at the mouth of your pussy was enough to feel even with the water washing everything away except your shame.Â
You bit your tongue to keep from moaning out the taboo and entirely inappropriate name you were dying to say out loud. His firm thighs spread on that couch filled your mind, the calloused, work-roughened hands you could practically feel on your hips, on your thighs. You could feel them holding and spreading your legs open so he could make you make those same noises youâd heard over the years. Make you take it like a good girl, his good girl.Â
You came with a shudder, sagging against the chilly tile. You warmed the water with a sigh, disappointed and ashamed with yourself, trying, and failing, to put the whole thing out of your mind.Â
-
You doubled down on avoiding him after that.Â
Your mother worked most of the time but when she was home, things were easier. He reverted to the healthy avoidance, the proverbial disinterest that she didnât seem to have a problem with. You still heard them some nights, the bed creaking, throaty cries, deep grunts but now they haunted you in a different way. Now you heard his words on that couch and couldnât help but picture all manner of unsavory things that both disgusted and thrilled you.Â
Being unemployed didnât help. There was nothing to keep you out of the house most of the day, and there were only so many places that would accept you looking for a job in person.Â
There was only so much time you could spend with friends too, they had their own lives and jobs and relationships. Too busy to save you from unwanted free time.Â
Old habits resurface, and you retreat within yourself while pushing yourself harder. A job would fix things enough to help, you could save up enough money to leave for good and take yourself out of the equation.Â
-
The powers that be momentarily take pity on you, and after what seems like a lifetime's worth of job hunting you blessedly get a call back. Itâs a part time job, but at this point beggars canât exactly be choosers. Itâs a steady, if insufficient source of income that hadnât been available to you before. Determined, you buckle down, you channel every guidance counselor youâve ever had and ace the fuck out of that interview.
Itâs not taxing work, but you put your head down and focus with the hope that if you worked hard enough, if you made a good enough impression, made yourself indispensable theyâd throw you enough shifts to make up a full time job.Â
It helps. Time spent away from the house, from your mothers dried up welcome, from Joel altogether genuinely helps. You feel a bit lighter, less guilty, less prone to imagine the unimaginable. You find comfort in the absence of self-imposed temptation. There is peace in the mindless work, in the life outside of the house that no longer feels like a home.Â
It's a double edged sword though, because at the end of every shift, the luckâthe peaceâruns out. If being at work and out of the house is a respite, returning home only thickens the tension. Time spent outside the house only sharpens the discomfort, clarifies the glaring wrongness of it all when you enter it at the end of the day. What it all is, you wonât name. That way madness lies. Issue is, with every interaction, with every chance encounter in the hallway, or living room, every second spent with him in the kitchen watching his lips touch the rim of his mug the thing inside grows. Parts of him fill the corners of your mind. The curve of his shoulders filling out the flannel shirts he favors. The fullness of his bottom lip when he purses them, something he does while squinting at the paper that youâre almost sure he isnât aware of. His neck, his hands, the dimple in his cheek when he laughs at something really funny.Â
These things jump out, innocent as they may be, but other not so innocent things start to creep in. The bulge in his jeans is a mental mine, it lies in wait and every so often when you think youâve avoided it, it detonates and you catch yourself staring, both ashamed and so inappropriately curious it eats away at you like acid.Â
What you needed was something to fill the emptiness, both emotionally and physically. So you did what any modern, adult woman would do; you bought a sex toy.Â
Nothing too crazy, or expensive. After perusing the site for a while you finally settled on a plain, non-threatening dildo. Nothing too big, nothing noisy, just something to be able to focus on, something to use while imagining someone giving you what you need. You ignored that dark thing inside that hissed his name, shooed it away and ordered the package for express delivery. With your mom constantly working, and Joel keeping to himself you figured it wouldnât be an issue. Neither of them would question a package addressed to you.Â
You still arenât sure whether or not youâd do it all over again had you known the Pandoraâs box that little package would open.Â
You all but rushed home after work. All day, youâd imagined the relief that toy would bring. You imagined yourself using it in the shower, steam swirling as you took your pleasure. You imagined yourself laying in bed in the safety of the dark, setting a towel down on your chair and riding it to your heart's content.Â
Joelâs truck is in the driveway when you pull in, but itâs secondary to the excitement at the chance to sequester yourself with your new best friend and so when you walk into the house, you donât give him much attention. Until he opens his mouth.Â
âYou got a package today babygirl. I put it on your bed.â He sits on his spot on the sofa, a funny little smile on his face. A bad feeling swells in your chest, and you look up the stairs before meeting his eyes again.Â
âThanks.â You drop your bag on the little bench near the front door, trying, and failing to keep the nervous feeling out of your voice. He nods, and you make your way up, stopping yourself from taking the stairs two at a time.Â
Ice flows through your veins when you see the package is open.Â
Heâd opened your package, he knew what youâd bought.Â
Blood pounds in your ears as you stand there, limbs cold and numb at the realization that he saw it. He saw it. He opened it, and he placed it here, on the very place you fantasized about using it. Sweat beaded on your brow, the bottom of your stomach fell out of your ass as you stood there, barely feeling the soft, worn carpet under your feet.Â
âLittle small, fâyou ask me.â His voice at the mouth of your room made your head twist fast enough to hurt your neck. You hadnât heard him follow you up the stairs, hadnât heard him open your door and lean against the frame, arms crossed in haughty amusement.Â
âWhy would you open my package?â You clutched at it, as though he could forget what heâd seen if you held it tightly enough.Â
âI didnât open it on purpose, Iâm expectinâ somethinâ and I didnât read the name.â He pushes away from the door frame, making his way closer and itâs like the air thins as the space between you shrinks.
âI mean, I could tell you been frustrated, but this doesnât seem like itâs gonâ help much.â He reaches out, and takes the package from you. You watch him do it, watch him, frozen as he plucks it from your hands and takes the toy out.Â
âThis all you can take?â He holds it, contemptuouslyâpityingly.Â
You wanted to snatch it out of his hands, the dimming voice of reason urges you to push him out of your room and remind him that he needs to keep a healthy distance but you say nothing, you stand there, and watch him. He puts it all down on your dresser, before stepping a little closer, close enough for you to have to crane your neck up to look into his eyes.Â
âNo boyfriends around to give you what you want?â His hand comes up, the tips of his fingers sliding across the apple of your cheek, slipping down until his thumb pressed against the cushion of your bottom lip.Â
âNo one around to give you what you obviously need?â He steps a little closer, until your bodies meet. This is wrong, your mind screams it but your body is frozen under his eyes, under his touch. That part, the frozen part is cheering, itâs running victory laps as it floods your cunt with slick in preparation for something unholy.Â
That same, writhing, traitorous thing whispers that this is your chance, the house is empty and your body obeys. You look your fill, you take in the curve of his nose and the furrow in his brow. His eyes are black as a crow's wing, lust-blown and completely focused on your parted lips and your shallow panting.Â
Adrenaline spikes and you do something you cannot take back. You rise on your tip-toes and press your mouth to his.Â
He hums into it, smiling and once again you get that feeling that youâd made the exact move heâd expected you to. A vague, but fleeting inkling that you were just a pawn on his chessboard.Â
At any other time you would have stepped away and repented, ate yourself alive with guilt but his hands pulled you closer, his tongue swiped at the seam of your mouth and you opened up for him. That only made it all the more real, the taste of his tongue in your mouth, feeling his hands lower to hold onto your ass.Â
The rational part of you shrinks down to nothing, and that other part, the wrong partâit swells and preens under his hands. He pulls away, and embarrassingly, you chase his mouth in a daze.Â
âOh honey, youâre just dyinâ for it arenât you?â He herds you towards your tiny bed, the twin mattress that has been the stage for every taboo fantasy about this man, your stepfather. You shoo the word away with a shiver.Â
âItâs wrong-â You almost whisper, but you donât push him away, you let him lay you down in that bed and he laughs.Â
âIt is, isn't it?â He pulls at the hem of your shirt, you raise your arms for him and the picture of it is wrong, daddy taking off your clothes. The thought, the word, should disgust you but it only pulls your hands to him. You join in, and pull his shirt up and off, biting your lip at the broadness of him. You take in each freckle, the sprinkling of hair on his chest, the dip of his throat calling out for your tongue like a siren.Â
He presses his lips to yours again, licking into your mouth obscenely. Unseemly.Â
âYou been wantinâ this for a long time, havenât you babygirl?â He pulls your bra off, and the shock of cold air hardens your nipples. He bites his lip to see it, unable to stop himself from flattening his tongue against a hardened bud. A sound youâve never let yourself make out loud in this room fills the space between you and that slithering thing luxuriates.Â
He moves, languidly, unhurried to the other breast and holds the plump of it in his big hand and sucks at the second bud, sucks as much of the peak as he can into his mouth, breathing through his nose while you slowly spiral into madness.
When he lets go, he presses a kiss to your nipple and his facial hair tickles your skin.Â
He pulls your leggings off along with your underwear in one go and the reality of it all hits you when the air hits your soaked core. Thatâs when the urge to put a stop to it is the clearest, when he kneels between your legs and spreads them wide, stares at the place where heâs already filled a million times in your mind. The place thatâs drenched at the mere thought of him.Â
âJoel-â You start, but he pushes your legs up, folding you and then he lets a glob of spit fall from his mouth slowly, aiming it, a bullseye right on the lips of your cunt. Itâs too much, too filthy and you let out a whimper.Â
âI think you wanna call me somethinâ else right now.â He undoes his belt and his jeans, keeping his eyes on where his saliva slides down over the open mouth of your cunt, down towards your asshole. He pulls his cock out and part of you shatters. Your eyes flit to the toy sitting on your dresser, your eyes flit to the open door of your bedroom.Â
âDonât worry, your mama ainât gonna be home for a while.â He smiles, conspiratorially. It's too real, itâs too hypnotic, seeing him there with his cock in his hand while your legs already ache from holding them up and open. He slides the blunt end of it through the mess heâs caused, through his spit and he groans at the sight of it.Â
Your heart races so hard to feel him there, that you see the pulse of it in your vision.Â
âDeep breath baby.â he warns before slipping inside the tight fist of your pussy, the size of him making you gasp. This is it, thereâs no coming back from this and right now, with him seated deep, his groin pressed up tight and the tip of his cock kissing your womb you cannot even think of why youâd ever care.
This is where he's meant to be. This is where you need him.Â
âOh baby, thatâs so good huh?â He thrusts shallowly, pulling out a little more than halfway before shoving his hips forward again. You donât really know how to form words, you donât know how to take in whatâs happening. This is Joel, your step-dad, fucking you in the bed you grew up in. One hand sits heavy on your shin, holding it, the other slides up and holds onto your breast.Â
âLook how fuckinâ wet this little pussy is for me,â he moans the words, âyou like daddy fuckinâ you?â He thrusts harder and you moan despite the word hitting you in the stomach like a big drop on a rollercoaster. He shouldnât say that, shouldnât call himself that, not now.Â
âNo-â it doesnât come out like you mean it to, it sounds wrong, like a caress.Â
âNo? But I think you do-â He leans forward, keeping his pace while pressing his chest to yours, his mouth all but lining up and despite your bullshit protest, you hitch your knees high on his ribs to make room because if he stopped youâd probably die.Â
âI think you want me to be your daddy, donât you baby, itâs okay, I want to be.â He speeds up and the sounds between your legs are so wet, so filthy.Â
âYou can say it, I want you to say it.â He holds himself up, his elbows caging in your skull and before you can complain or moan or cry he sticks his tongue down your throat again. Your hands finally join the fray and you wrap your arms around his neck, holding him tight to you.Â
âCome on baby, say it for me, tell me how good daddy fucks you.â You moan, closing your eyes while your cunt floods him with wave after wave of slick, enough to drip down your ass and onto your bed, down his balls. Enough for it to soak the curls at the base of him.Â
âLook at me when Iâm fuckinâ you honey.â His hips speed up and it's hard now, his thrusts making your bounce, hitting a part of you that toy would never touch in a million years.Â
You open your eyes, and look at him above you, sweat beading on his hairline. Never has he looked more fucking appealing than he does right then. The word is there, in your mouth and you know itâll taste sweeter than anything in this world.Â
The wrong thing wins. Â
âYes daddy.â You moan it, and the shameful thing sets off fireworks in your being, he smiles, and tucks his head into the damp crook of your neck, feeding his lovely filth right into your ear.Â
âThatâs my babygirl, thatâs it, fuck baby you take it better than your mama.â Something inside recoils at that, but something else, another facet of that fucked up thing inside rejoices.
âLet me hear you say it again, say it when you come.â He licks a hot stripe up your neck. His words are a filthy groan, something to tuck away for later.
He reaches down, pressing his thumb to your clit just like he said on that couch and you keen, the slip and the pressure enough to toss you over the edge with an almost painfully intense orgasm.Â
âIâm coming, daddy.â Itâs a shuddering whisper as your cunt clenches around him.Â
He moves quickly, kneeling between your legs to pull out and then heâs stroking himself over your cunt. Itâs still pulsing when he paints it in his come. You catch your breath as he tugs at himself a few more times, milking himself against you with a disturbingly familiar groan.Â
The fog clears altogether too quickly. The lights are too bright, youâre naked, and heâs still got his jeans around his thighs while the guilt creeps into your veins, replacing the euphoria.Â
What have I done? What have you made me do?
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good guys, bad deeds
pairing: javi p x f!reader
cws/tags: ONLY ONE BED, javi is reader's dad's best friend, minimal physical description (reader has pussy and boobs and wears a tank top and panties), p in v (unprotected bc ... i'm sorry), oral f! receiving, accidentally cumming inside, author does not speak spanish but wishes she did and researched spanish dirty talk but still knows v little, periodic pov switch
summary: reader comes to visit javi in colombia and he only has one bed, so they decide to sleep in it together and shenanigans ensue. it's wrong but it feels so right...
a/n: for the roll a trope challenge! @burntheedges
wc: 3.9k
taglist:
@gothcsz @onlyasimp4-2dbitches @harriedandharassed @withonly-sweetheart
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Half the time Javi smokes inside out of stubbornness â he can still hear the voices of ex-girlfriends back in Texas telling him off for it. He has what he intends to be his last cigarette of the day outside because his apartment has begun to make him stir-crazy. With Escobar "behind bars", there's a brief lull in the DEA office. He's become so used to chaos that he thrives off it now.
A taxi pulls up and a young woman steps out - for better or worse, Javi knows a lot of the women who spend their nights on the streets of Bogota and Medellin. This woman is unfamiliar, though the look in her eyes suggests she knows him. He sifts through strings of drunken memories, but can't place her.
Until he hears her voice. "Uncle Javi!" she says, flying into his arms which are not yet open to catch her. He's a DEA agent, a young woman should not be strong enough to knock the wind out of him but you get pretty damn close.
He'd completely forgotten you were coming â but, even if he'd remembered, he wouldn't have recognized you. God, how long has he been away?
You look older. That's what he tells you later, trying to put it as matter-of-factly as possible, trying to sound neutral and indifferent to the fact that a beautiful woman is standing at his doorstep like a baby in a basket, helpless in a foreign world, brought by cab rather than stork.
Javi carts your luggage up the stairs and little does he know that you're practically salivating over the sight of his broad shoulders, his strong arms that could just pick you up and throw you onto the bedâ
"Are you planning to stand there all night?" Javi's voice snaps you out of your daydreams.
"Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm so tired, I'm practically falling asleep standing up."
Jet lag can do a number on anyone, but it doesn't help that the flight attendants were happy to provide you with alcohol. You try to act sober, but Javi's a cop, he's trained to call your bluff.
You stumble through the doorstep and you hear him stifle a laugh. "Are you okay? You look drunk."
"I'm not drunk. I had a few drinks on the plane, but I sobered up at the airport while I was waiting for you to come get me."
You watch guilt wash over him, and you almost take back your statement, but you don't. It's a rare opportunity to see Javi flustered, and even if it's not for the ideal reason (in your dirty mind), you'll take it as consolation for his forgetfulness.
"I'm so sorry. I've been so wrapped up in everything here that I completely forgot you were coming."
You shrug it off, not committing to accepting his apology but not wanting to prolong his suffering either. God forbid a man has to take accountability for his actions.
He follows your gaze which travels across the living room, through the kitchen, as far as your eye can see from the entrance where you stand. "I would've tidied up if I'd known I was having a guest."
"I honestly expected worse."
"You think I'm a slob?"
"No, you're a man â a single man â and the apartment of a bachelor is never a clean one."
"Who says I'm single?"
"Your ring finger."
"Maybe I have a fiancée."
"If you did, I don't think you'd be so defensive."
"I like being single."
"I like being single too."
He moves swiftly away from the relationship status conversation. "Unfortunately, I don't have a guest room, so you'll have to sleep on the couch if that's okayâŠ"
"You're making your guest sleep on the couch?"
"Oh, I assumed you'd be more mature."
"I am mature. That's why I'm asking politely and not throwing a tantrum."
"Fine, mija. I give up. We're both too tired to argue."
"We can take turns, so you can have your bed tomorrow."
Taking turns means Javi shares the bed with you.
He strips himself of his shirt and you struggle to keep your composure. You have a better view of his broad chest and big arms with him shirtless and you can see the trail of hair from his belly button leading down to the waistband of his sweatpants, and god, how you want to find the end of it. A happy trail, they call it, but what it makes you feel is something different than happiness, something impure.
"What?" He catches you staring. "It's hot as fuck in here, and it's my room. I sleep shirtless. Take it or leave it."
Take it. You want him to say it to you in a different context.
"Whatever. You better not try anything funny."
"What is that supposed to mean? Do you really think I'm that type of guy?" He seems genuinely offended that you think of him that way.
And, in truth, you doubt he's like that, which is why your fantasies about him 'trying something funny' are a bit unrealistic, but you let them run wild regardless.
"Chill," you say, "I'm kidding."
The truth is that you'd be perfectly fine with any funny business Javi would be willing to offer you. But it's late and it's your first night as a guest in his apartment, so you decide not to try to provoke him.
You fall asleep soon after you tuck yourself in beside him.
It's been quite some time since Javi has been forced to share a bed with someone. Outside of women who stay over - and women rarely stay after the act is finished â he sleeps alone. You don't snore or drool on him which was a positive as he's been with women who did both of those things. He's known sleep talkers and sleep walkers â Lorraine was the former. It isn't until the middle of the night when he's awoken by your stirring that he realizes how cumbersome it will be to sleep next to you. It's a queen-sized bed, which should fit two, especially when one of those two is a young woman. So, why are you practically on top of him? You've managed to roll over, sprawl out, and curl back up to restart the process. You always end up further on Javi's side, so he continues to inch away until he is forced to be up against you lest he fall off the bed and onto the floor.
He tries to sleep as best he can, and prays for the sun â something he's never done before. Javi is hardly a morning person. But, he wakes up again before his alarm sounds. There is one glaring issue, he finds.
It's not his fault that your ass is up against his crotch and that every movement you make inadvertently teases him. It's so unfair that you make him this hard when he can't jerk off. He can't because you're here. Doubly unfair since you did this to him. It's not your fault that you're pretty â too pretty for your own good, whether Javi ends up giving into the primal needs inside him or you end up with another man. Thinking about that gets him harder - not because he likes to think about you with another man, in fact, he hates it, but jealous fuels the fire inside him. If he let his possessive feelings towards you overcome his rationale, he could fuck you the way you deserve, and he's sure you'd enjoy it. You need it, whether you know it or not.
Or, maybe it's just projection, maybe hope. Pretty women make him weak. God forbid you find out and use it against him. Javi's the type to risk it all - money, career, even his life. Not just for pussy - because it's not about that anyway, it never has been. Pussy is easy to come by - in fact, if he gathers enough saliva in his palm and closes his eyes he can almost replicate the feeling by himself. But being with a woman, all soft skin, strangled moans of his name, nails piercing his skin, needy kisses, teeth, tongue, and heartbeat - he hasn't been able to fully satiate that need ever, and he doesn't remember a time before he was a tenderhearted soul in a soldier's body.
Javi could get himself off, it wouldn't take long, but the shower is in the en-suite so he'd wake you up if he turned on the water. Plus, it'd feel wrong having you in the next room while he did such a thing even if he tried not to think about you while he did it, even if you slept in blissful ignorance, pure and untainted by the knowledge of Javi's teeth digging into his fist to muffle a moan as he shudders through his orgasm.
He wasn't thinking about you until your body was pressed up against his own. He doesn't think of you like that, or at last, he didn't. Not before you came to Bogota, appeared in front of him so grown up that he hadn't recognized you at first. You were a girl the last time you stood in front of him, he remembers having to kneel to hug you when he said goodbye. Time has passed and you're fresh out of college now. A woman, not a girl.
He's somewhere between thinking and dreaming when you spring up in bed with a gasp, and on instinct, his hand flies to the bedside table to search blindly for his gun. Until he realizes it's just you. A harmless girl.
Maybe not completely harmless.
He places his hand to his bare chest as he breathes slowly, trying to calm down.
You look like you're on the verge of tears and it pains him. "I'm so sorry, Uncle Javi."
"Mija, don't worry," he says, rubbing your back to calm you, "You just startled me."
"I just had a bad dream," you tell him.
You used to have those when you were younger, he thinks, now I have them too.
"It was just a dream, you're safe." He lies down and nods for you to lie back down too. "I'll keep you safe," he says quieter.
You move closer, facing him, and he lets you because he knows you need comfort more than anything. Javi resists the urge to hold you, worrying you might feel his hardâon through his sweatpants.
He stares - no, gazes - at you for a moment, unsure of what to say. You meet his eyes with a similar look - inquisitive, though you're more curious than he is. Javi feels dread in the face of what he fears is unfolding. You see an opportunity where he sees a warning. Do not go any further, it says. But he hasn't done anything.
Except for lie down next to you rather than taking the couch, and sleep shirtless rather than sweat through a t-shirt. He's more angry at himself for his reluctance to admit that this is a self-indulgent choice no matter how he flips it. Either he's a bad host or he's a bad man.
The answer becomes clearer when you lean in and he closes his eyes instead of pulling back like he should. He doesn't want to embarrass you, he decides. Better not reject you, at least not like this, he should let you down easy. Which he'll certainly do after kissing you.
It's so unfair, Javi thinks. He'd forgotten what it feels like to kiss someone who wants him. Women want his money, at best, his body. Often, both. But Javi is the type of man who wakes up at sunrise so he can slip out before he has to man up and have an awkward conversation over coffee.
Cupping your cheek gently is certainly wrong but so is kissing you, and he's already doing that. He should kiss you sweetly, make this a little more dignified, salvage what's left.
Your lips are soft and it's not your first kiss unless this is an incredible stroke of beginner's luck. Hungry, yet teasing, forcing him to reveal his own desire when you draw back a bit and he has to be the one to reach for you.
He notices you drifting closer to him and before he can make things much, much worse, he snaps out of it and pulls back entirely.
"Querida, we shouldn't⊠It's not right," he says because he can't say he doesn't want you.
"Why? What's wrong with it? We're both adults, we're sober, we're singleâŠ"
"You're much younger than me, and your father is my friend."
"Age is just a number, and what my dad doesn't know, can't hurt him."
He scoffs and rolls his eyes, playing the whole thing off like he isn't grappling with conflicting feelings inside.
"You said you'd never lie to me, right?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Tell me the truth, then, do you want me too?"
"You can't ask questions like that, mija."
"Why, Uncle Javi?"
"That's why. I cannot sleep with someone who calls me 'Uncle Javi'."
"It's not like we're actually related."
"I know that. This wouldn't even be up for discussion if that were the case."
"So it's up for discussion?"
"No. No, it's not. We're not doing it."
He stands up abruptly, does a terrible job of adjusting himself in his sweatpants, and walks towards the bathroom.
"Where are you going?"
"Taking a shower."
"It's past midnight."
"Can a man not take a shower at night?"
"At least be honest and say you're going to jerk off."
"Jesus Christ," he mutters, putting his head in his hands. Then, he turns to you, "I'm going to jerk off. Happy?"
"Can I come with?"
"No. If I wanted you to be with me, I'd just do it in bed."
You pout, disappointed, and he thinks that's your last resort. He nearly lets his guard down as his hand reaches the bathroom door, reaches safety.
But, in a voice that's so familiar yet so foreign coming from your mouth, you ask, "You usually do it right here?"
He stares at you, his body slumps a bit like he's melting as he watches you play with the straps of your top, like you might take it off.
"Javier," you say, seductively.
"Don't do that to meâŠ" he pouts, pleads. He doesn't want to give in.
"I just think we could have a really good time. I mean, I bought these panties for you, but I guess if you don't want to see them, maybe I can find another DEA agent who wants toâŠ"
"I'm not letting you go and whore yourself out to my coworkers."
"Why not? You don't want me."
"I didn't say that. I said 'it's wrong', and it is."
"I guess I can see how it might be wrong from some angles, but I really like you, and I just want to know that you like me back â I just want to be wanted, to know someone thinks I'm good enough."
It's so unfair. Javi has to assume you're acting, but you're doing a great job because your teary eyes are filled with emotion â maybe it is real, he thinks. And that's what lands him back in bed with you.
"I like you," he whispers, "and you know that. I think a lot of guys like you⊠they don't deserve you, but trust me when I say you're more than wanted."
"I don't want any of them. I only want you." You look up at him with those pleading eyes that have always worked.
"I'm not a good man." he sighs.
"I want you anyway."
"I'm not a good man because I can't help myself."
You look at him with hope shining through you.
"Before we do anything I need you to know that I love you to death but this is sex, not marriage, not a relationship - I want to make you feel good tonight, but tomorrow we go back to normal, got it?"
"You act like you're taking my virginity. I'm not that innocent little girl anymore. I'm not expecting you to fall in love with me, I just want you to fuck me."
He has the knee-jerk instinct to tell you not to swear. but the scowl of disapproval quickly turns to a smile. You're not that innocent, are you?
You grab his face and whisper, "If I'm going to have casual sex anyway, isn't it better if I do it with you?"
"Oh, so now this is all 'casual sex', and I'm just doing damage control by fucking you?"
"My dad asked you to keep me safe, right? If I'm bed with you, I can't get in bed with any other potentially dangerous men."
"I'm always gonna take care of you." he says, dipping down to kiss your neck.
"Javier." It's a drawn-out plea for something, anything. It's the simultaneous gratitude brought about by the relief that washes over you when he agrees to this but the carnal frustration at the anticipation of him, heightened when you feel his erection pressing against your thigh.
You can tell he's big - though, the tightness of his pants leaves little to the imagination regardless. Nervousness strikes you because he's Javi. He thinks you don't know how much of a womanizer he is. As if you've ever been stupid enough to believe the marks on his neck were just razor burn or that he had no idea where the pair of panties in his glove compartment came from.
You don't dare ask how many women he's slept with, you don't need to know the number to know you have a laundry list of competition. You won't be his best - that much you know - still, you can't be his worst.
All your worries move to the background when you remember that Javier is kissing you, tugging down the straps of your top, kissing your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Your heart swells at his gentle devotion, but your core aches for him as your much dirtier fantasies flit around your mind.
You would never have guessed Javier would be into this type of sweet and slow sex. Most men you've been with want you in a way that feels more perverse, more distant.
Javi lets his hands wander along your skin, he teases you and marvels at your reaction. He doesn't just grip you, he holds you.
You shouldn't be as surprised as you are when he grabs your ankles and pulls you to the edge of the bed before kneeling with his head positioned between your thighs.
"You said you wore these for me?" he asks, fingers toying with the waistband of your underwear.
"Yeah. I remember finding a similar pair in your car once, and so I thought you might like these."
"You'd look good in anything, but you did a good job picking these out. Definitely my taste."
"You can keep them."
His eyes flicker with something, something you've been dying to see. "What are you going to wear?"
"I have more, like, ever color."
"They're all for me or just these ones?"
"All for you." The statement holds greater weight than the thin lace fabric, and surely he knows that.
There is desire in his eyes when he flicks his tongue along your folds for the first time.
Javi decides that if he's going to indulge, he shouldn't indulge half-heartedly. He should not be doing this, but you deserve to feel good. Someone else should do this for you, but no one else is here. It's Javi's responsibility to take care of you. He's just helping you sleep, that's what he tells himself when he gets a taste of you and knows he's so incredibly and utterly fucked. He groans into you, and you return a prettier sound.
He's too old to be this hard, this hungry for a woman. The most unfair part of it all is that Javi doesn't need sex, he doesn't need the touch of a woman. He needs you. Forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.
Your voice shakes when you say his name, warning him of your impending orgasm. He massages your hipbones as if to say, "you're going to be okay, just let go". You look embarrassed when you come down from your high so he makes a point of staying between your legs, locking eyes while his tongue gathers every drop you give him, and smiling when he wipes his lips with his thumb.
The predicament lies between his own legs. The question still stands stiff and painfully hard. Should he allow himself the pleasure of fucking up? Of fucking.
You notice his hesitation. "Javier, I want it too, you know?"
"It's still a mistake."
"Everyone makes mistakes⊠maybe you could just allow yourself to make one - for me."
Making one mistake surely isn't enough to make you a bad person.
"Don't you ever get tired of being the good guy?"
He smirks at you. "Yes. Yes, I do."
Patience is a virtue, and not one you have.
"I'll do it for you," you say, tugging down his sweatpants, watching his cock spring out.
"Puta madre," he says, as you stroke his length, running your finger over the tip, kissing it with the pad of your thumb, "if you keep touching me like that I'm not gonna last."
Javi stifles his curses in English, ultimately ending up settling for Spanish at the rare moments he can find words at all. Clearly he forgets that you speak enough Spanish to understand what he's saying, but you let him think you don't because the things he says are even sexier than what he says in your daydreams.
He drags the head of his cock along your folds, coating himself with your wetness.
"Que cosa mas linda," he says under his breath, marveling at your body, fully naked in front of him.
"Please," you whine, and he nods, silent but committed.
"Mira como me toma," he says as he eases inside you finally.
He keeps the rhythm of his thrusts slow until you beg for him to go faster. Harder, deeper, more, more, more.
"ÂżTe gusta eso eh?" His voice is thick with lust, he's not even talking to you, not really, just running his mouth unable to help it.
Soon, it's nothing but curses through gritted teeth accompanied by the slick sounds of your arousal.
"Quiero que me hagas tuyo" you say, finally giving up the game when he's about to cum.
You notice his hesitation. "Javier, I want it too, you know?"
"It's still a mistake."
"Everyone makes mistakes⊠maybe you could just allow yourself to make one - for me."
Making one mistake surely isn't enough to make you a bad person.
"Don't you ever get tired of being the good guy?"
He smirks at you. "Yes. Yes, I do."
Patience is a virtue, and not one you have.
"I'll do it for you," you say, tugging down his sweatpants, watching his cock spring out.
"Puta madre," he says, as you stroke his length, running your finger over the tip, kissing it with the pad of your thumb, "if you keep touching me like that I'm not gonna last."
Javi stifles his curses in English, ultimately ending up settling for Spanish at the rare moments he can find words at all. Clearly he forgets that you speak enough Spanish to understand what he's saying, but you let him think you don't because the things he says are even sexier than what he says in your daydreams.
He drags the head of his cock along your folds, coating himself with your wetness.
"Que cosa tan linda," he says under his breath, marveling at your body, fully naked in front of him.
"Please," you whine, and he nods, silent but committed.
"Mira como me toma," he says as he eases inside you finally.
He keeps the rhythm of his thrusts slow until you beg for him to go faster. Harder, deeper, more, more, more.
"ÂżTe gusta eso eh?" His voice is thick with lust, he's not even talking to you, not really, just running his mouth unable to help it.
Soon, it's nothing but curses through gritted teeth accompanied by the slick sounds of your arousal.
"Quiero que me hagas tuyo" you finally give up the game when he's about to cum.
It's not the fact that you want to be his that takes him over the edge unexpectedly, it's the way you say his name and he knows you already are. You hold onto him for dear life, locking your legs around his hips and forcing him deeper, your inner walls flutter around him, and he is helpless against the tidal wave of ecstasy that crashes over him.
He's dizzy after you suck the life out of him, but his rational mind returns when he pulls out and watches cum drip out of you.
Javi panics, momentarily considers every horrible possibility and every solution - will he have to fake his own death and leave the country? But your soothing touch as you gently pull him closer, your relaxing voice accompanying it, calms him.
He buys you the morning after pill and feeds it to you along with the best breakfast he can conjure up as an apology.
You thank him, but just before he thinks he's in the clear, you say, "if you really wanted to make it up to me, you could eat your breakfast in bedâŠ"
He's about to say 'no', but you wink, and instead, he says, "Fine. But just this once."
spanish translations:
Que cosa tan linda = what a pretty thing
Mira como me toma = look at how well it takes me
ÂżTe gusta eso eh? = you like that eh?
Quiero que me hagas tuyo = i want you to make me yours
this post helped me lots!!
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It was unusual seeing him on his knees like that. Face flushed, a thin drop of sweat traveling down his temple. You could almost feel the salt of his skin on your tongue. Joelâs head was resting on your knee, his eyes hypnotizing your dress to lift up on its own accord. Eventually, he reached out a trembling hand, barely daring to make contact, and this time you allowed it. Joelâs meaty fingers dug into your thigh, squeezing the naked flesh almost painfully so you hissed. You placed your hand over your covered cunt, the heat radiating from it almost burned, and Joel breathed out a pained moan. A smirk danced across your lips, mingling with the fire behind your eyes. "Please, babygirl," he pleaded, you swore you wouldâve seen tears welling up in his rich browns if you pushed a little more. "You think you deserve it?" Your cocky tone was like a knife to his throat, his teeth achingly grinding so you heard the sound of him breaking. "No, I donât, but you do," he choked on his words as your toes pressed into his hard, weeping cock still tamed by the thick fabric of his jeans. "You deserve to feel good." Slowly, your hand lifted the skirt of your dress.
____ @milla-frenchy @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog
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Whiskey Sour [joel miller] -> series masterlist
Reuniting with your estranged father while you finish college in Austin has unintended consequences. His best friend, for one.
my masterlist!
status: complete
word count: ~54k
rating: 18+ (mdni)
tags and warnings: dbf!joel being extremely criminally attractive, big ol' age gap (40s/early 20s), unprotected piv (do not follow the leader), creampie, multiple sex positions, multiple orgasms, oral sex (m and f receiving), dry humping, spitting, biting, joel miller is a MUNCH, very appropriate use of a showerhead, consensual somnophilia, yoga, heavy emphasis on payphones, daddy issues, family reunions, angst, dead mom, grief and mourning, father/daughter relationship, bartending, reader is a woman in STEM (author is not), being a student in university deserves a warning probably, attempted drugging (roofies), college boys suck, possessive sex, possessive joel, protective joel, obligatory warning for joel's salt-and-pepper hair, masturbation, wet dreams, no outbreak AU, hurt/comfort, healing, no sarah or ellie, stargazing, face-sitting, pining/yearning, happy ending
read on ao3!
chapters:
chapter one: old fashioned
chapter two: manhattan
chapter three: painkiller
chapter four: between the sheets
chapter five: lemon drop
chapter six: dark 'n' stormy
chapter seven [epilogue]: ancient mariner
extras:
moodboard by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin
thank you all for being so loving, supportive, and horny xoxo
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another day of checking the sub! logan howlett and sub! joel miller tags and finding no new fics
let my baby boys be my baby boys
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logan likes his hair pulled/played with (all of his hair...) thats why he grew it out with kayla đ
he likes nails on his scalp and trailing through that chest hair and happy trail that makes my head hurt.
when he's giving head he can get off on just his partner yanking him around by his hair or gripping him by it, he's down there whining and humping the bed.
he's too proud to admit it at first but the first time you card your fingers through his hair during a kiss he whines so quickly into your mouth. he plays it off and tries to shift you away but your fingers grip a little harder and he moans this time, eyes fluttering shut and hands flying to your hips.
on a fluffier note he'll lay his head on his partner's chest while they're cuddling and melt the second their hands find his hair.
(my logan headcanons are taking over my every waking moment I fear)
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friendly reminder that it IS canon that logan howlett calls his women princess!!!!!!!!!! and that fact has me SOOO crazy
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Explaining the James Logan Howlett (Wolverine) Lore for the new fans :)
I made this as a little cheat sheet for all the new Logan/Wolverine fans, in case youâve never seen the movies or read the comics. Hopefully itâll help with your fanfics and understanding his character better <3
Logan is my favorite of the Marvel superheroâs, and he and I go way backâŠ.so far back that my Dad dressed up as Wolverine and I as Rogue for Halloween in 2006. So he holds a very special place in my heart.
Lore - Part 2Â Wolverine Comics
If youâve seen X-men Origins: Wolverine, I hate to break it to you, but that backstory is not canon to the X-men universe. The later movies really screwed up the timeline. So the information here is strictly from the comics.
ââââ ââ
â ââââ
Pre-Adamantium Binding:
His real name is James Howlett, âLoganâ is later used as an alias to distance himself from his past.
He was born sometime around 1880, in Alberta Canada.
He is the illegitimate son of Elizabeth Howlett and Thomas Logan. He grew up on the Howlett estate and believed John Howlett was his real father.
His mutant powers first appeared when he was a child. He has accelerated healing, heightened senses, and retractable bone claws.
The trigger was caused by Thomas Logan killing James Howlett. The overwhelming fear and anger made his power manifest, blinded with rage he kills Thomas.
As his biological father dies, he reveals to Logan that he is his true father. The event is deeply traumatizing, and Logan runs away from his family estate. His mother commits suicide shortly after.
Logan has a half brother known as Sabertooth (Victor Creed) who has similar powers to the Wolverine but is more âanimalisticâ
The details vary across the comics but the brothers are always seen as rivals. And often pitted against eachother.
Logan served in WWI, WWII, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War.
He also served in a Canadian military force known as âDepartment Hâ that specialized in superhuman affairs. (This was after the experiment, Iâll go into more detail later)
Sometime before the Weapon X program: On Earth-616, Logan had a wife (Itsu) and son in Japan where he was training at the time. They were killed by the Winter Soldier (Bucky Barnes)
Weapon X Program - Adamantium Binding:
The Weapon X program was run by multiple people working in secret for the Canadian government. Originally beginning in 1845, their goal was to experiment on mutants and create their own super-soldiers.
Logan was deceived and manipulated into undergoing the Weapon X experiment. He did not consent to being a test subject.
For some reason the X-Men Origins movie makes it out to be that Logan willingly chose to undergo this process, only to later reveal that he was tricked into doing so.
Before being captured, he was still struggling with his identity, he was close to 100 years old at the time. His life was filled with violence and loss. Making him physically and mentally vulnerable.
He was a prime target for exploitation.
Part of the experiment was to completely erase his memories and replace them with false ones. This allowed them complete control over him.
This also made it difficult for him to recall how he ended up in the program to begin with.
I repeat: they completely wiped his memory. His whole identity was gone.
100 years of memories were gone.
The bonding process turned his entire skeleton and bone claws into indestructible metal.
Due to his regenerative nature, Logan was not given anesthetic or put under for the procedure. It was excruciatingly painful.
Logan worked as a mercenary for private military contractors. He took on these assignments without fully understanding their implications because of his fragmented memory.
Sometime later he became a member of X-Force, a private military unit (affiliated with the CIA) that dealt with incredibly violent operations.
The purpose of the project was to create an unstoppable killing machine. With their end goal being to erase his humanity all together. However Loganâs mental fortitude allowed him to resist the conditioning and make his escape before it was too late.
After escaping, Logan developed a mistrust with authority. And just people in general. He felt deeply betrayed by the Weapon X program. And he struggles with the fear of being used as a weapon.
The escape and aftermath of Weapon X:
After everything Logan went through, the intense trauma and confusion significantly impacted his actions and mindset.
He was left with extreme psychological damage, and behaved more as an animal than a man for the first few years of his freedom. Living in the wilderness of Canada.
Quite literally a feral man. He lost touch of his humanity. Embracing his animalistic abilities, turning him into an apex predator.
Logan has the ability to enter something called âBeserker Rageâ which he becomes entirely driven by animalistic instinct. Turning him into an unstoppable force and exerting himself for very long periods of time.
Think of when you see him running on all foursâŠ
Over time, Logan began to regain bits and pieces of his humanity. He was later discovered by Heather and James MacDonald Hudson who took him in and helped him recover physically and mentally.
(Logan actually fell in love with Heather, and James became his best friend. They were the closest thing he had to a family)
After he recovered, he was recruited by the Canadian governments âDepartment Hâ. They were responsible for a lot of his training and became a key member in Canadaâs superhero team: Alpha Flight.
This is where he took on the code name âWolverineâ
His time with Alpha Flight was short lived. And soon he was approached by Charles Xavier, who was looking for mutants to join his X-Men. He recognized Loganâs potential and offered him a place on the team as well as the promise to help him regain his memory.
Logan accepted, and his time with the X-Men marked a critical and significant moment in his life. Under Xavierâs guidance he was able to rebuild his identity and gradually piece together his past. All while fighting for the rights of mutants.
Being part of the X-Men gave him a sense of purpose and direction. Although his main goal had always been to uncover what he had lost, which was himself. He still struggles with trust and relationships, but eventually forms strong bonds with the other X-men.
His past with Weapon X still haunts him. And he has vivid and terrible nightmares about what he had done and what was done to him.
I wonât go into detail about his time with the X-men because that varies a lot across the comics. Just know that he had a love-hate relationship with them, but he ultimately loved them in the end.
Some sad facts about Logan that actually haunt me:
Logan has outlived everyone he ever loved. Family, friends, even his own children. He is so so so lonely.
Immense amount of survivors guilt. He feels unworthy of the life he continues to live.
He suffers from chronic nightmares. Often waking up in a violent and panicked state.
Deep-seated fear of abandonment that goes all the way back to his early childhood. He isolates himself to protect himself from more pain.
Tons of self-loathing. He believes himself to be nothing more than a killer. He thinks he is unworthy of love and happiness.
In the âOld Man Loganâ storyline, he is tricked into killing the entire X-Men team. This event haunts him for the rest of his life.
Logan had a long, unrequited love for Jean Gray. He has watched her die multiple times, and each time a piece of him dies with her. On one occasion, he even had to kill her himself.
When he succumbs to âbeserker rageâ he loses control of himself. And the aftermath horrifies him. He is even afraid of himself at times and one of the reasons why he distances himself from others.
Some happy/soft facts to make up for everything you just read:
Logan is incredibly fatherly at times, often taking younger mutants under his protection and guidance. He becomes a mentor to them and looks out for their well-being.
In one of the comics he takes a young girl (Jubilee) to the mall and followers her around carrying her bags. He loves doting on her and I find it so adorable.
He also teaches another mutant named Kitty how to dance.
In one mission he is tasked with taking care of an infant, Hope. And he is incredibly gentle and tender with her. Cradling her in his arms and being fiercely protective.
He has a deep love and connection with animals. Especially ones that have been mistreated or misunderstood.
Caring for an injured wolf, he nurses it back to health and releases it back into nature.
He also adopts a stray, abused dog at one point.
In one of the timelines, he funded and ran the âJean Gray School for Higher Learningâ He was the headmaster, and was dedicated to protecting and teaching young mutants.
In one scene he literally makes pancakes for all the students. I love him so much.
His relationship with Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner) is very brotherly. They share alot of respect and understanding for each other, and Nightcrawler often serves as Loganâs moral compass.
His happiest memories are when he was training in Japan. And he has a deep appreciation and admiration for the culture. Taking on the samurai code of honor, and respecting its discipline and humility.
His entire relationship with Laura Kinney (X-23). Essentially his daughter. Taking on a father-figure role for her.
In one of the comics he organizes a birthday party for her, knowing she never had one. He goes all out and it shows just how much he loves her.
Logan has a great sense of humor. Often dry and sardonic, heâs known for his quick wit and playful banter. Which adds a layer of warmth to his otherwise tough persona.
He is very fond of lifeâs simple pleasures. Which reflects his inner desire for peace and normalcy. He values the little things that make life enjoyable.
His numerous acts of kindness towards strangers. Logan is compassionate at heart.
He doesnât comfort others with his words, but rather his presence. Logan has a very unique understanding of grief and tries to give others relief in knowing they arenât alone.
WOW okay I wrote way too much. Tbh I actually cut a ton out of this but if anybody wants a part 2 Iâd be happy to share more. Shoutout to my brother for helping me source all this with his comics lol.
If you read all this, youâre a real one. And Iâm so glad weâre all witnessing the Logan Howlett Renaissance
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I've been saying this for so long !!!
Joel is possessive and protective, not like a dom, but like a well trained guard dog.
possible hot take but i don't think joel would be as dominant as most fics depict him. possessive? yeah, that's for sure, but rough and dominant? the way this guy walked around by Tess' side on standby, letting her lead the way and just doing whatever the hell she told him to do... my man was all tough cause he couldn't allow himself to let his guard down again in such a cruel world, but he sure as hell enjoyed being bossed around by a pretty woman...
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IMPORTANT WOLVERINE PSA!!!
bub is NOT a sexual term đđ
I cannot keep reading logan/wolverine fics where y'all use bub like it means baby. in the way Logan uses it, it does not!!! bub is like bud or pal, it's more condescending when logan uses it but they are almost interchangeable.
(imagine you're having sex with a man and as he's about to finish he says "yeah bud just like that pal"đ)
it's also typically used for masc ppl. so, no! Logan will not! be calling fem!reader bub mid-stroke?!
it can maybe work for an enemies to lovers situation at the beginning during banter but it's almost certainly not a term of endearment (in the way logan uses it) and definitely not a pet name to use during sex.
[edit- I have been informed that it is used in the american south and so far some parts of english speaking europe as a pet name. I still stand by my opinion tho as Logan is Canadian đ. I personally have also never seen him use the southern interpretation! he doesn't call his partners bub! he uses it as a way to condescend and be an asshole<3.]
#wolverine smut#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#wolverine x reader#deadpool and wolverine#wolverine
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