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Happy Birthday

Dear KP, I dont know if at this point, we are already in good terms with each other or if we are still apart and that we have decided to be apart, but I just want to greet you Happy 28th Birthday! Another year. Another gift of life and I do hope, na happy ka today. I am writing this on May 20. Second day since we broke up. I am crushed. When you left last Saturday after our fight and after we have decided to break up I felt like the door echoed and I felt the door shut like it shattered my heart to pieces. I sat there for I think an hour and sent you messages of what I felt. To be honest I was really sad to see you take it that easily. Without even asking to talk and to work things out. Just saying okay and leaving. Like it was nothing. For me that is the saddest part na okay ka na. Na okay na sayo na wala nalang tayo. Na yung 3 years na pinagsamahan naten sumuko ka na rin. You didnt even leave a message saying your thoughts or saying sorry. Napagod ka na siguro talaga. But you know, I realized na tama ka. na di si Chenee yung may kasalanan. Tayo and when I say tayo, that involves me as well. Ako. So I am really sorry. I am sorry for being an awful partner to you for the past few months especially nung LDR tayo. Im sorry na minura kita ng ganun. Kung pinaramdam ko na di kita kailangan. I feel like nagsuffer ka ng sobra given na wala ako tapos ganun tayo tapos mdami kang issues na naglabasan while wala ako. Which you have communicated to me and I knew but still inimpose ko parin sayo na ayusin tayo . Kahit sobrang kailangan mo ng support ko. Sorry if I failed at doing that. Sorry if I pushed you away by insisting that we fix things and that we dwell on our issues. I was waiting for you na amuhin ako. To make me feel like you want me and that you are sorry. A gesture of some sort para makabawi ka sa kasalanan mo sa mga masakit mong sinabi at sa ginawa mo. Pero ako di ko inisip na may mali rin ako pero ikaw di ka nagaantay ng gesture from me na bumawi. Gusto mo lang maging okay. Gusto mong maging normal. Para makabangon tayo. para maging maayos. Na alam mo siguro kung gnawa ko siguro hindi tayo umabot sa kung nasan tayo ngayon. Hindi ka siguro naghanap ng comfort ng iba. Kasi nandto ako as your partner para makausap mo. Sorry if I havent been a partner to you. Sorry na pinairal ko yung ego ko yung selfishness ko and for demanding na may gawin ka gaya ng lage mong gnagawa. I cant deny it hinahanap ko talaga yung efforts mo. Dati kasi pag nagaway tayo I will find you sa bahay at the end of the day to patch things up so we can talk or if not you are already up to something at gumising ka pa ng mas maaga sakin para maghanap ng bulaklak at pumunta ng dangwa o magisip ng kung anong pakulo maamo lang ako. Hinanap ko yun. I cried last night kasi akala ko, nasa side ka ng bed ko gaya ng away natin dati. I was hoping na sana totoo. Sana andun ka wanting na maging okay yung mga bagay.  I dont know what happened what made you stop. Was it that you got tired? naubusan ka na ba ng fuel? Dont you feel like Im worthy of that? or na di mo nalang talaga ako mahal gaya ng dati? pero gaya ng sabi ko sayo I am equally responsible for that. You got tired because of me. Because I feel entitled. Because I felt like you have to prove that I am special because you had to always prove something and I understand that is tiring. thinking about it probably it felt like a chore given that you have already established that certain expectation vs siguro na dati freely mo syang gnagawa which is because gusto mo not because gusto ko. Nakakalungkot isipin yung fact na ayaw mo na na gawin yun pero I do understand na oo nakakapagod nga sya. Now regarding Chenee. When I was back tracking your messages I saw that your conversations started yung day na nagaway tayo dahil minessage ko sya. I dont know if you were trying to patch things up/compensate hence you started to message her. na akala ko, sa undertsanding ko di mo gagawin. So that again, I am responsible too. I pushed you to do that. I pushed you to talk to her. And I pushed you to hide it from me by talking somewhere else. It broke my heart when you told her na nasa slack ka lang sa phone. That she can reach you somewhere na wala akong visbility. Like you intended to do that. I dont know if naplant ba sa isip mo na may interest sya sayo so you took the chance? pero to me I felt like she was a threat and I made her a threat and now she is. I have let my insecurities take over me. and so yeah. I pushed you towards her. And now, may ganto na. Nagsinungaling ka na. Tinago mo na. Na kung iisipin mo siguro kung hanyaan ko lang. Siguro walang ganto. Siguro. Pero I wouldnt accept siguro na wala lang sya. Na wala ka lang pake sa kanya kasi obviously sa chats nyo may level of concern ka. na ang hirap tanggapin. and you even defended her. Pero wala na akong magagawa dun. anjan na at Im responsible din. So I do apologize for all of these. For the half ass relationship weve had for almost 3 months now. But I do want you to know na I do care for your happiness. Sorry if I have been really selfish. And youre right you dont just break off things like that like it was nothing. I have loved you for 3 years more than 3 years and I just ended it with a snap of the finger. I have been vile. I have said mean things and for that I am sorry. And if were not okay at this point, I totally understand. Because you didnt deserve that. Namanhid ka kasi naimmune ka sa dami ng away naten kaya wala nalang kaya natitiis mo nalang. Ang hirap tanggapin pero yun na yung nangyari. But I want you to know that I have loved you and that I am still loving you despite all of this. Despite the pain and the hurt and the chaos and the mess and the conflict. Im sorry If I have treated you like crap and for not giving you the respect you deserved. I am an awful partner and for that I am sorry. I really think that you deserved better. Not a crazy, toxic partner like me. And if Chenee is like that, and if you wanted to pursue her, I wouldnt blame you and its okay. This is me letting go of you and all of the hate and looking back at the memories and the moments that weve had. Everything that you have done for me and the people I love. For being my partner and my bestfriend. For being a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, for being my home. for being my world for almost 4 years. I feel bittersweet as I am writing this, because I am in pain and I really miss you. I really miss the old us. I miss the happy us. The crazy about each other us. Ngayon kasi we just drive each other crazy.  I really felt like we got tested kasi nga diba smooth seas dont make good sailors. If we didnt survive it then there is a reason. Baka I was in your life and you were in my life to be a lesson. Ang sakit isipin tho na yung 3 years and yung amount ng love all for a lesson. A hard lesson. That relationships are hardwork. Being a relationship is a decision and a choice you make, every single day. No matter how difficult. No matter how hard. No matter how tough. But I do hope that you know that I really loved you more than I loved anyone else and I really wish na maging happy ka. Wala akong pinagsisihan sa pinagsamahan naten. It was picture perfect specially nung nasa bubble tayo. We were a good team. I know we could have been really good parents. I know youre going to be a really great dad and a good husband and anyone you will love will be really happy and I am glad kasi even for a short while naranasan ko na mahalin ng ganun. Mahalin ng walang reservations. Mahalin ng extra mile. Salamat, baby ko. Salamat mahal ko. Salamat. Ang sakit sakit na sa sulat na to nagpapaalam ako sayo kasi feeling ko nasa cross roads tayo. Climax ba. Yung point na di alam yung kasunod. Pero isa lang ang alam ko mahal kita at sana sa panahong nakasama kita, hindi man sa latter part ng relasyon naten naparamdam ko kung gano kita kamahal at kung gano ka kahalaga sakin. Kung wala na talagang tayo at this point sana matupad mo lahat ng gusto mo. Too bad wala ako to celebrate today or to celebrate the next milestones of your life. You are a good person with a really really beautiful heart and I thank you for the love and know that you deserve the best things in life. Thank you for the years that you have shared with me and for loving me and giving your all to the point na wala ka nang mabigay. I am letting you go and I am hoping you would come back but I wouldnt impose. Kung bumalik ka man gusto ko na kusa at na gusto mo talaga hindi dahil sinabi ko or na nirequire ko. Gusto ko na bumalik ka kasi narealize mo na gaya ko hindi mo rin kaya na wala ako sa buhay mo at na gusto mong ayusin at gusto mo na tayo parin sa dulo.

If we are still together, know that these are my thoughts and my realizations while we are apart and you know what I wish I could turn back time so we can relive those days na di tayo okay o na nagtitiisan tayo. I am sorry for this phase. I really am.

Mahal na mahal kita. I love you Uri

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Baclaran church. Its one of the most popular churches here in Manila as it is believed to be miraculous. People from different places and walks of life visit the church every Wednesday. Whenever I get sick lalo nung bata ako lage si nanay nagssbi na pag gumaling ako pupunta kaming baclaran. It is her way of asking help kay Ina na pagalingin ako. Whenever I feel lost I go there and ask for help. Nung review kahit malayo at madaming tao sinsadya ko talaga every Wednesday. Personally naniniwala talaga ako na pinapakinggan nya lahat ng panalangin ko. Hindi man lahat binibigay ayon sa gusto ko, she gives me what I need. Hence I have prayed for her to give me a man who will love me and who will take care of me. Sabi ko, pag nakita ko na yun, lage kaming pupunta sa kanya at magdarasal. I prayed for that even before I had a boyfriend. I have been into relationships pero hindi kami naging devotee ng baclaran. Then you came. Now when I see Baclaran Church, I think of you. When I go there alone, how I wish na kasama kita. At pag nagdarasal ako dun, lage akong nagpapasalamat na binigay ka sakin. At pinapanalangin ko na tayo na talaga. I remember the first time we went to Baclaran kasi sinamahan mo ako magsimba. I wasnt even sure that time if that was the right move kasi you are in a relationship. Pero nung nandun ka na, nung kasama na kita, lahat ng worries ko nawala. Ang nararamdaman ko lang is yung mabilis na tibok ng puso ko lalo nung naghawak tayo ng kamay. I was wishing sana ikaw nalang, sana tayo nalang. Nung naging tayo, November 11, 2015 we went to Baclaran and we prayed then you asked me with sincere eyes if sigurado ako at if totoo na gusto ko talaga na maging tayo at na di kita niloloko. Sabi mo di ka kasi makapaniwala. I was thinking bakit naman? Hindi ka mahirap mahalin. You made me fall for you just like that *snaps finger*. At sobrang swerte ko na ako ang minahal mo. You are an answered prayer. My wish come true. At ikaw ang lalaki na pinagdasal ko nung bata ako na dadalhin ko sa Baclaran. Love, sana gabayan tayo ni Lord at ng mahal na ina. Kaya naten to. Mahal natin ang isat isa at gagawin naten ang lahat para magwork to diba? Pray lang tayo and lets make God the center of our relationship. I love you.

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2 days to go love!!!! ❤ Today I was so busy preparing my gifts for you. I hope you like everything. Matagal tagal ko ring pinagisipan yung mga yun. Sana hindi naman over cheesy at di mashadong trying hard. I hope that with these gifts I can make you feel loved. I really want you to be happy. I love you so much. Pinka mahirap yung bouquet. Grabe. Muntik ko nang gamitin yung basurahan naten na iuupcycle ko sana para may mapaglagyan. Naubos ko na kasi yung tape di ko sila mafix together. Huhu. Buti nakakita ako ng makapal na gomaaa. Nakabit ko shaaaa. :) nice that I have something like this so I could tell you what I did behind you back.

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To never giving up and making it happen.

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I wish you were my first in kiss. My first hug. The first person who made my tummy rumble like I have butterflies in them at the thought of seeing you or talking to you. I wish you were the first person I went out on a date with. The first guy to hold my hand. The first person I said "I love you" to and mean it. The first one I made dreams of the future with. The first and only guy I thought of marrying. And Baby, how I wish I was your first too. But its not what matters right? Being first might be monumental and romantic. But I prefer something that is real, tangible and true. Its the last that lasts. Its the last that makes more impact. I hope youre my last and I get to be yours too. I love you

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In HIMYM Season 3, there was an episode when Lily and Marshal talked about their meet cute story like a choreographed dance. Here is my version :

August 22, 2014 the day we first met. It was the day you said I slow motioned as I entered the door. I actually caught you staring but I thought it was because I came in late around 10:30-11:00 and my first greeting to Riz and Orio was “Uy, bat ang aga nyo”. I was actually embarassed when I realized that you and your batchmates are sitting near us. Perhaps you thought I was a walking felony. What an impression to make right? I had no plans of coming in that day. There were no seniors around as they are on an overseas team building. But ofcourse Kuya NotNot reviewed the GK file and left coaching notes and I cant replicate at home so pumasok ako. Also, I planned on joining Angela on checking out a condominium near the area as I am intending to rent na that time. It was a Friday so I was wearing a white tank top, blue cardigan and jeans. I ate with Riz and Orio at Sbarro for lunch. Interesting why I remember so many things this day. This is the first time I managed to talk to you. I think I went for hi and said welcome. I also remembered asking “how old are you”. It was a relief when I heard youre the same age as I am so you have no right to call me ate but you did anyway (eww. Ate 🙈) I remembered asking who was your buddy. You said its Emron and I said shes pretty. I didnt get the chance to talk much to you as I was talking to Alvin who was my “sibling” being in the same coaching family with Ate Katty. You were sitting next to him. I saw you stare. I think you were listening then but I wasnt so sure. The first email I sent you was a link to the directory database. I wanted to be helpful but the link didnt work ofcourse. I tried clicking the link using your laptop but nothing happened. I laughed and I said sorry. You smiled and said it was alright. The first time we went on field for GK, I was standing next to you waiting for the elevator. You had this “serious-stiffed” vibe and I thought that I might be too giddy for you so I remained quiet instead. I was actually surprised that you got picked for GK since we gave Mikee the power to choose and he was aiming for Bianca or Det. Our first long conversation was in Chowking (youve been on field for quite sometime but we didnt have the chance to talk). We asked you about your engagements. You had a terrible client line up and you were plotted in GK. Massive vouching. I honestly felt bad for you and Shei. 😥 We also asked about your top 3. You said “wala pa eh, d ko pa nakikita lahat” (such a liar). That day Det gave you carbonara she cooked. You offered us some but I think it was quite a lot. Still, you said uubusin mo parin kasi sayang naman. I remember saying youll be a good husband. You asked if I cooked. I said carbonara was my specialty. Sabi mo masarap yun siguro dahil specialty ko (what do you think now?) I remember the time I asked for candy and you went out and brought back some candies when you got back. The candies were helpful. I was feeling dizzy due to the travel from office to GK ( back problems you know). Among the candies you bought" I was reaching out for the Yakee. I didnt know na gusto mo rin pala yun. But were fair and square cos when I brought three in one coffees for the team you got MY great taste white. The only coffee I drink. My favorite. I was sad. I ended up with nescafe. But when I learned that it was your first coffee and you said you like it, I felt better. I made you drink coffee! Which is nice. I remember the time you brought puto and offered some to us. I ate 2. Haha. Its the best puto ever. Im glad that now your mom makes some of them especially for me. Remember when we got stranded in GK due to the storm. It was the 2 of us who were checking outside kahit baha to see if the road is passable so we can go home. May kasama pa tayong 2 Japanese nun. You carried my bag (as usual) and I remember the look in your face when we asked you to ride the taxi with Shei and the Japanese interns. I saw you look back. I wish it was us who stayed. When it was your last day in GK because you have an inventory count for Bayer the following day, Ate Aly said that she will miss you. I was thinking about the same thing but I dont know, Im usually expressive but I was shy. I cant even hold your arm when crossing the street. Para akong makukuryente. Your first treat to me was Jollibee and pineapple juice from 711. That day was the first time I was able to hold your hand because there is a piece of wood stuck in your palm and I helped you remove it. It was the day I saw you remove your glasses and saw how brown your eyes were. I remember that Mikee was so pissed that day because he was waiting outside while we were talking. I think we were talking about me going to the gym and you telling me not to lift weights so I wont get muscular. I remember laughing at you when I saw you sleeping and drool. It was a picture perfect memory. I laughed while writing this part btw. Hahahaha. Remember the time we ate at Chowking and we ordered the same thing? Except that my wonton had more noodles and yours had more soup. I was sick then and you offered to give me some of your soup and in turn I gave you some of my noodles. Its so cute when you think about it. I was sad that day and that gesture made me happy. I thought you should know. That morning before going to field you told me to drink my meds when you learned that I was sick. I admit I was kilig. (Kaya sabi ko sayo wag ka ganun sa ibaaaa). I also remember that time when the two of us went on field, yung tayo lang. Tanda mo yung naiihi ako and you tried to distract me para di ako maihi? You carried my bag as we went back to the office para makatakbo ako. Thennnn we got milktea, nilibre kita! It was your first dakasi. Masarap diba? ( speaking of dakasi, madami ka utang ) We have limited interaction at the office. Our normal conversation would comprise of me requesting if you could give me a copy of the walking dead episode for the week. Your first chat in messenger was a link to the online streaming of walking dead season 4 pisode 1. If there is no walking dead, none of this would have happened so we better watch that series altho it sucks now :(( It was christmas party at the buddha bar when I first saw you on a different light. You were wearing red and standing amidst your batchmates who were dancing like crazy. I think I went for aww and said your girlfriend must really be so lucky she has nothing to worry about. Good boy e (good boy ba talaga? Hmmm) I get to know more about you through Faith because she keeps telling me how good you are as a person. She told me na willing sha magpatayo ng rebulto para sayo. I also heard the story about the “buntis sa baha” from Grace and my response was “my heart huhu”. I thought back then that you are such a good person. You have a big heart. And when I get to know you, I realized its an understatement. Your heart is enormous and golden ( Im referring to your heart ❤ hahaha )Our first long chat I think was the time when I ranted about the sucky inventory count I had in Bayer. Our first long exchange of text messages was after the Ilocos trip and we talked about stargazing. Then we started to talk. I was at home watching game of thrones and you going to Palawan with your batchmates. I got worried when you told me there is a riot outside the morning of your flight. Our first phone call was when I gave you instructions on how to change a child’s diaper and when I asked you to sing for me. It was July 6, 2015. Then we talked more and more. You became my bestfriend, my confidant, my human diary, my Sis. At the end of a tiring day I look forward to hearing your voice. Hearing about your day. Talking about everything. Slowly, I fell for you, head over heels inlove with you, and the rest, was history.

Woahhh. Ang haba grabe. Hahaha. I hope binasa mo. Took me almost two hours to write everything. I love you.

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❤

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If only we have the freedom and the resources. Huhu. I know we'll get there soon at alam kong di tayo mapipirmi. We will explore together and travel the world. Immerse ourselves in different cultures, laugh at ourselves for being lost again and again, try different cuisines and take buttloads of pictures together. For right now, work on your photography skills muna ha so youll be the ultimate instagram boyfriend. ❤

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Its 5 am and I love you.