I'm sorry this list exists
I’m sorry this list exists
This is a list of things i plan to do before i disapear
Transfer ownership of the writing groupPay off my debtFix things with those who disrespected me and my boundariesAppologize and correct the actions i did to those i have harmedIsolate and not lean on othersSell all my pocessions and give the money to charityFinish my playCry Hook up with my best friend Leave all queer and trans spacesStop…
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The mistake of a person is not a good person and deserves to die
Ever realize you’re not a good person
You’re just as toxic as the people you date
I’m not asking for sympathy
Just need you to believe me
Agree with me that I’m fucking awful
I’m not a good person
I’m not a nice person
I used to call people fags and use queer as an insult in middle school
I called my best friend a lesbo bitch in my head and now she’s dead,
I spread a rumor told 2 people about her…
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Color my memories by n.j. saroff (July 7, 2017)
Bathing in a rose petals sea
Blood stained skin that reminds of ugly memories between you and me
You’d kiss my body trace it like pink waters of a sunrise,
And I memorized
Your touch
But never once in your arms did I feel enough
Yellow happy sky rays
We talked about beach picnics for days
We made these plans
But it was a whole future just stuck to the sand,
We’re we happy that night in December
Or is what you did still too hard to remember
I’m thin now covered in red marks
I don’t now to start over or get past this part
You would complement just how soft my curves were beneath your fingers
That night in my bed still plays over and lingers
Nothing returns to old
My heart I sold
I crafted a new mold for myself
No one recognizes, maybe that’s why they stare, how dare you stay here living in my mind and body,
orange was your hair,
orange used to be such a pretty color
I used to enjoy when boys made my heart flutter
Now every flirt makes me scared another
Will lift up my skirt
Like I’m some kind of desert
Do it with out consent
Hold me down as I am bent
Rip the rainbows
Give me blue toes
Summer nights are just as chilly
Blaming myself doesn’t seem silly
You know I’m lying awake like its still winter
Like there are thorns and splinters
Of where your hand gripped
Where my dress ripped
See I was the girl in the purple raincoat
A trophy for you to use and gloat
There is nothing nice left here my dear
I won’t apologise i don’t care
I’m not sorry for who I am or what I’ve become.
You can’t hold me down I wont be undone.
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Skinny silver
Paint me in suffocation
The blues of poor nutrition
Skinny silver was pulling my leg
Leading me on
like a freight train gone wrong
Silver and I shattered mirrors till our fingers were raw
Took down every picture frame from the wall
We pealed back our skin
Letting the veins pop out instead of in
Nothing is shiny or covered in gold
Skipping meals was grand and bold
Guess that’s why memories of old
Move in slow motion
Brain fog from drinking ballerina tea like a perfection potion
You were the screamer in my head At liquor filled parties where I wished I was dead
Skinny silver would wine about the rain But I forced myself outside so I wasn’t driven insane
Skinny silver holds my hand to compensate for all I lack
Skinny silver whispers in my ear “there is no going back” For beauty is an empty belly, the stolen lipstick, the missing money, the safe place of my mind I used to call home
Skinny silver laughs “I’m not going anywhere honey, you’ll never be alone”
silver broke down every door
In a race with silver I was always losing more
Carvings appeared all over my arms
My time with skinny silver should have set off an alarm
But hunger is such a rush
So I’d lean a little more into silver’s touch
Days became weeks of not eating Here’s to the time we shared
Crying into silver because thinking silver cared
Skinny silver only want death i guess that’s why I crave eternal rest
So I kiss my own scars, hug my bruises, laugh at the migraines, sleeping most of the day.
Who needs health when all your mind wants to do is fade away
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When the piano leaks its notes
(this is the first love poem i have written in a year, but thing are finally becoming stable and life is looking up,the person who this is for is a dear friend of mine)
Sink below my surface and you will see
A heart wishing you would be with me
I leave subtle hints, because I’m too shy to flirt,
I love when your eyes begin glint
How on earth do i assert
Come out to you say this is how i feel
You’re hearts been broken a few times will you wonder if my words are real
Youre smile is uplifting and contagious
Every song you play is outrageous
With your words you’ll take one on an adventure
Im slowly beginning to find my center
You laugh, you care, you hug,
You annoy me to death like some kind of bug
But never have i met some one so unique
So themselves that it makes one’s soul weak
You inspire
Give passion its fire,
Wipe the tears, youre always there
A shoulder to lean on you care
You are stronger than you know
You always hold on, not willing to let go
You fight, you challenge, you discuss
Taging along on your advetures is a must
You ask questions
Make up spectulations
Get the whole room speaking
And the notes of the piano are leaking
Theres always something to present
Dont know if this will ever be meant
But i wrote it anyway,
Wanted a chance to say
Babe you matter.
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ED *recovery* tips
🌸Ive been using intermittent fasting in order to feel in control of my food and weight while still eating closer to 1200 calories a day.
🌸Remind yourself that you are sick and your perception of calories is skewed in the wrong direction- 1200 calories is what people trying to lose weight typically eat. You can eat 1000 calories everyday for a week and you won't gain significant weight (maybe if you've been starving at 0-600 calories for months and even then you deserve energy and nutrition)
🌸Imagine yourself as a child or your best friend- would you tell 12 year old you (or any child) that they shouldn't eat lunch or dinner because they are fat and worthless? Would you laugh at your bff and tell them to put down that scone and starbucks because #thinisin? I hope not.
Its okay to eat. Your body needs it.
Dying isn't worth it.
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if im skinny, will you like me?
if my skins stretched across my bones like a drying canvas, will you see me?
if i paint myself with scars and decorate my cheeks with tears, will you notice me?
if i fold myself against the wall and scream as loud as i can, will you hear me?
if i just told you what i needed, would you listen to me?
...
you should love me.
you should love me because i cant.
i hate myself
...
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
ihate myself
i hate myself
i hhate myself
i hate myself
i hatemyself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myselfi hate.myyself ihate hate hate hTe hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AHTE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAE HATE HATE
myself.
make me feel cared about.
make me feel loved.
im doing this all for you.
appreciate me.
love me.
i will be pretty
just for you.
:)
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ED *recovery* tips
🌸Ive been using intermittent fasting in order to feel in control of my food and weight while still eating closer to 1200 calories a day.
🌸Remind yourself that you are sick and your perception of calories is skewed in the wrong direction- 1200 calories is what people trying to lose weight typically eat. You can eat 1000 calories everyday for a week and you won't gain significant weight (maybe if you've been starving at 0-600 calories for months and even then you deserve energy and nutrition)
🌸Imagine yourself as a child or your best friend- would you tell 12 year old you (or any child) that they shouldn't eat lunch or dinner because they are fat and worthless? Would you laugh at your bff and tell them to put down that scone and starbucks because #thinisin? I hope not.
Its okay to eat. Your body needs it.
Dying isn't worth it.
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intrigued by how much recovery is self discovery at its core. we tend to think of recovery as an absence of the illness, but the experience has actually been more the opposite: an emergence of the self, overshadowing the rest. the illness has shrunk, almost imperceptibly, and it hasn’t been a linear journey but the more i become, the harder it is for the illness to return. i take up the most space now.
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23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain
Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.
Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.
Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.
Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.
Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.
Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.
Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.
Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.
Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.
Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening
Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.
Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.
Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.
Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.
Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.
Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.
Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.
Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.
Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.
Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.
Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.
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Happy Valentines day Nat!! I hope you have a wonderful amazing day!! You're such an inspiration!! Keep being you you amazing human!! 💛🧡
Was having a really off week and then I finally went into my inbox and this made my whole day
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