unworthymind

[unworthymind]

Part of the reason I so badly hope to be able to move out in the next few years is because the past year the feeling has just been piling up more and more that I'm stuck in this cocoon, this husk of someone I used to be who I've long outgrown but can't get away from. I need to get out of here. I cannot continue to exist in this space.

[unworthymind]

I wonder if it's even worth talking to you outside of surface level fake friend bullshit anymore. Since I'm just getting in the way of your perfect fucking life and your perfect fucking polycule and your stupid fucking orgies. You're so fucking bullshit it makes me fucking sick.

[unworthymind]

It's getting to the point that I can't seem to express any level of negative emotion without being told by the people around me that I need to figure out my health insurance and find a therapist. I don't get spoken to like I'm something worth caring about. TG's the only person who doesn't make me feel like a burden for being in a bad way. But I don't want to make that in itself a burden on him.

I wish I could drive. I just want to be able to go away.

[unworthymind]

I'm so sorry you had to start liking me when I'm like this. When my mental health is so fucking atrocious. I'm so fucking unworthy.

[unworthymind]

I just kind of want to kill myself.

[unworthymind]

Why couldn't we have the kind of depression that makes you lose weight.

[unworthymind]

Fuck you.

[unworthymind]

My skin picking has left marks below my hairline like I'm wearing a mask and isn't it fitting since my spirals are marked by the urge to rip off my skin.

[unworthymind]

i wanna bash my fucking skull in i just want to fucking die i ruin eveything i ruin everything i ruin fucking everything

[unworthymind]

you're ruining it. hes going to hate you. you're just like her. you're so fucking terrible.

[unworthymind]

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i dont know why i try to talk to you or even just vent in your fucking vicinity anymore you always just make me feel worse.

[unworthymind]

Even your cries for help are so fucking worthless.

[unworthymind]

i feel like such a piece of shit. i wish i would just die.

[unworthymind]

I hope I'm reading your signals correctly, they're so consistent and clear that if I'm wrong I don't think I could come back from it.

[unworthymind]

The rational side of my brain knows they're likely telling me about their new friend group because they want me to also be friends with them, however the traumatized part makes me want to tear my skin off.

It feels like they never have time for me or want to talk to me but then when they do they're telling me all about these people and how much time they spend with them and how they wish they were hanging out with them or talking to them. I wonder if they even consider how shitty that makes me feel.

I can't say I entirely blame them, I don't think I'm much fun to be around anymore. I keep getting triggered by them but when I do think I know what triggered me it feels so selfish I don't want to talk to them about it. I'm trying to be chill and normal but idk, I think a lot of mental shit that I thought I had under control is really catching up to me.

It just sometimes feels like they're moving on with their lives and I'm being left behind, I'm part of the past. I'm an afterthought at best.

[unworthymind]

im just so tired of feeling so fucking unwanted, so worthless.

[unworthymind]

I think I'm starting to hate you. Idk. I can feel the resentment growing like a fungus. I hate that now I can see when you're talking to all the people you'd rather be talking to. I hate that I was right when I cried to A that her telling me she feels like you guys don't want to be friends because you never talk in chats makes me realize you never talk to me either. And I always just chalked it up to you guys actually having lives. And you do actually have lives. It just hurts to see all the ways I'm not a part of them. It hurts to finally be able to spend time with you and be told how much you wish you could talk to or be with them. It hurts to have the voice that tells me I'm always an afterthought be proven right again.