until-it-happens-to-you-blog

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

***I know what you need*** I think a lot of women in abusive relationships, tend to overcompensate for being wrong all the time. Mental mind games are the norm and instead of keeping you safe and secure, it makes you doubt your lived experience, your thoughts and emotions. I give thanks to all the wonderful people who have come into my life. May you live an abundant life!

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

***Dis genoeg ***

Is dit genoeg? Om die waarheid te weet? Of kies jy om eerder nie mal te word nie?

Ek ken jou, maak nie saak of ek genoeg is nie… Moenie worry nie…

Daar is’ n roekeloosheid aan wie ons is In ‘n wereld van vlamme, brandwonde …

Hy ry op sy fiets, die wiel draai… maak sy keuses… Ek was nog altyd ‘n fighter Daar is een ding wat jy behoort te weet: ek’s ‘n fighter…

Ek is gewond, gekneus, ek kan myself nie erken nie… in die strate van Pretoria

Dit vloei deur my are, my lewensbloed… net ek en jy… in die strate van Pretoria

Ek verdwyn, jy los my, ek is hier… in Pretoria. Ons het gesweer hier kom ons nooit weer nie…

Nou is ons hier, ons loop deur hel, met ‘n glimlag

Ons is gelowes, bekend, Almal weet wie ons is… ons is bekend.

In mekaar se arms, harte, ander se siele… psige…

Ek het gesien wat die wereld kan doen, dis moeilik om aan te gaan met net jou onskuld as jou beskerming….

Dis ‘n wilde, woeste wereld… dis moeilik om jou te onthou…. vas te hou… soos aan die begin.

Dis nie jou skuld nie, ek het opgefok.

Ek bewe… jou hart is en was op die spel

Ek het opgefok, jou verloor… jou hart, my smart; as jy nie, sal ek… miskien sal hy?

Weetloos, weerloos, werkloos, sonder jou

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

**MONSTERS TAKE MANY FORMS**

My friend, let’s say Sarah, for anonymity’s sake, received a message from her husband.

He wanted to know what her address were. She’d been trying to divorce him for the better part of a year. She got a feeling he wasn’t being truthful- knowing him better than knowing herself. He disguised his reason for having to know, saying he was busy filling out forms for their son’s school for the coming year.

Growing more suspicious, she answered that the school had her email address, and contact telephone number if they needed to get in touch or send school related information.

Her suspicions turned out to be correct, as he suddenly lashed out about his right to know seeing as she’s his soon to be ex-wife and mother of their child. When that didn’t work, he threw around allegations making her out to be acting suspiciously. Then he started threatening with a legal letter from his lawyer. Which would demand of her not only to pay the costs of the said letter, but also to reveal her address. Sarah went to the school, just to make sure whether they needed her address. Their was a strange look on the administrator’s face. Her reply came as no surprise: ‘No mam, no need for your address.’ Monsters indeed take many forms...

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

***Monsters who turn into ghosts***

I recently approached a lawyer, whom I had quite accidentally reached out to when I decided to divorce my husband - Sep/ Oct 2016.

It’s been more than a year. I need to submit an application for a variation of the court order, which allows me access to my son for a mere 32hrs a month.

So obviously you need money. She’s willing to receive down payments- meeting me half way. However, my husband has cut me off financially. After he took my son on an ‘ex parte’ basis.

The commercialization of law is indeed a scandal. It’s against the basics of human rights, oh but wait, legal aid is available if your willing to wait for two years or more… ha ha ha!

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

Definition of Emotional Abuse: Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.[1][2][3] It is often associated with situations of power imbalance in abusive relationships including bullying, gaslighting and abuse in the workplace.[2][3] Source: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

Post three: “Speak Your Truth”

I received a reply from someone who’s also suffered abuse. It made me think about how lonely it is to go through the process of trying to cope with it on your own.

It is a sad fact that most people who suffer abuse do not speak up, their voices are silent, being silenced. Not out of fear, not out of playing ‘the victim’ but because people - friends, family, colleagues… would rather not be involved; because it is a 'personal matter’.

Not getting involved, not doing or saying anything. Staying silent, being silenced. I am guilty of doing the same. Until it happened to me.

We are separate; separated; uninvolved; afraid of picking sides. Their weakness is our weakness. Stand up, pick yourself up, it's not about how you fall, but about how you get up. The question about what is right and what is wrong is lost somewhere in our collective doubt, a voiceless society. We exclude ourselves; each other; them; others. 'They' are unstable; weak; liars; trying to draw attention; vindictive; sick in their heads; asking for it; deserve it. Until it happens to you.

Anyone, regardless of gender or age, who asks for help needs it. But they don’t ask anymore, they don't talk anymore, they don't feel anything anymore. Because we live in a society that would rather turn a blind eye than stand up, support and be fearless.

Someone made a remark on Facebook, that my post about abuse was inappropriate. Then I thought about it. I tried my best to allow this person to speak 'their truth’. Then I blocked them, removed it. I’m not standing for opinions that are misdirected, disingenuous, filled with anger, full of fear. Silence no more. I am not saying that people do not have a right to raise their opinion, but everything has a place and a time.

Against my own concerns and fears about the power of social media, it is a powerful tool. It reaches out to people. It is utilized, as a dear friend described: “to put your best foot forward, show your perfect self…” She refers to me as her military sister. What an honour? Yes, there will be criticism, yes there will be rejection, yes there will be those who feel it’s a 'private matter’….

Speak your truth, if you’re a sheep be a sheep, if you’re a jackal be a jackal, if you’re a wolf be a wolf… But don’t hide behind a false mask, own your voice, opinion, faults, weaknesses.

Life is too short to be wasted on what other people think or say, or tell you what to do and what not to do, or to have power over you - dishing out opinions like laser blades disguised as words of wisdom. Claim your power, we are not victims, we are not disempowered. Maybe we lie to ourselves by thinking we are strong, that we are survivors, that we made it through and dealt with whatever we had to (alone) in order to stay sane.

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

Post two: day 404 since I left my home

It’s been 404 days since I left my matrimonial home, due to threatened violence and severe emotional, financial and verbal abuse.

Since 'going public’, I experienced amazing support and awful non-support. From colleagues, friends, strangers…It’s been interesting to witness and perceive the process of annihilation. It’s suffocating, liberating. But one thing I’ve learned is that once the decision’s made, there’s no turning back. You can’t decide to go quiet. That’s why, I think, a lot of people suffer in silence. The fight is never-ending, it’s tiresome and eats away at you little by little. More abuse, more suffering - it seems to never end.

How raw has your suffering been, or continues to be? Going through it again, mentally, emotionally, physically…? It’s too much. Trying to talk or explain or defend… You’d rather move on. Isn’t that part of life? Part of healing? Part of not looking back, and being grateful for the fact that at least you made it?

I’m at awe at how many people started sharing their stories with me, and at the same time, how sad it is that they went through their suffering, pretty much alone. In silence, being silenced. Fearing their own experience to such an extent that the decision to do something about it is enough and final in their struggle.

[until-it-happens-to-you-blog]

Until it happens to you

This first post, is meant to introduce myself as a survivor of abuse. Emotional, financial, psychological… The list goes on. All forms of abuse are unacceptable.

Mostly, people shy away from it, victims can’t talk to anybody about it, because no-one wants to get involved.

Until it happens to you.