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unsp0ken-details · 3 years

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Moments to Cherish (2)

"Its so funny how so much of 'Finding Yourself' in adulthood is simply getting back to who you were and what you loved as a child" I've often thought about this and a part of me believes in this. As one grows over the years, we are exposed to more complex truths of lives, newer experiences, and live in the 'grey' - we go on a little quest to 'find ourselves': our true interests, what makes us happy, gives us true joy etc. In agreement with the statement, one of the places to find that is our childhood. Childhood: to the times where we loved, experimented, experienced, indulged without reason all while we were yet to discover the meaning of 'regret' and before applying the concept of 'overthinking'. One of my 'Happy Places' to be when I'm particularly in a thoughtful mood is thinking about my childhood memories. The things my friends and I did in school, Aadarsh's new antics, things I gave importance to, tactics which I thought made me smarter than my parents and so much more! I'd like to write about a few of them in no particular order: 1) I always liked have long hair. However, I didn't know the difference between straight/wavy/curly hair. I remember an image I saw on a magazine of a girl much younger than me (I was in grade 6 or 7 at the time) and she had a particular hairband that I wanted to pull of that look. Since I'd wash hair on Sat's I remember, getting that magazine, and wearing a black hairband with dots (the one I bought) and making sure I wore in how it was shown in the picture and feeling proud and waiting to pull it off better to achieve the length of hair she had in that photo. 2) 9 years of my formal education was in India and a majority of it included memorisation when it came to tests and exams. For the most part since childhood, I've studied alone but there were the few times I would go to Amma when I couldn't memorise a long answer. Having her simply read out the answer and break it into parts would make it SO much easier for me to learn (the part I'm conveniently skipping here is that they also involved crying if she decided to test me on other questions..) but nevertheless the end result was that I always hoped for this question to come in the exam as I was the best prepared. 3) "I don't care". I can't pin point exactly where I picked that up from when I was younger, but it was a brief phase where if anyone said anything/commented, I'd respond I don't care. Never to be rude, but I thought that's how it is used. However, a quick full stop on that phase came when I saw that my younger brother was picking up on it. Anything you ask him/commented, his reply was I don't care. The effect of this stayed with me for long, I have after that never used that phrase in a reply to anyone (except to convince people - good context). 4) Middle school years were interesting schedule wise. I enjoyed school and doing well, participating, taking up responsibility/roles etc. Amma would wake me up in the morning, shower (sometimes we settled on a bargain), she'd comb my hair and with a shirt, skirt, tie, belt, socks and black polished shoes and a heavy bag - we were ready to conquer the day. Amma would come down with me daily to cross the road and wait till the bus came. That's were I'd meet, Garima and Reeta aunty daily (her mom) and began our friendship :) I'd be back from school, change, eat and get back to STUDYING?! voluntarily. I enjoyed going through the diary with homework tasks or revise what we learnt in class. Made me feel productive. Evening would go down to play with brother or with Garima depending on what we'd planned that day during our bus ride back home. Would come back home by 8, it was always between 5-7 or 6-8pm. Extending this time by 30 minutes excited me more than I can believe now. Evening is when, appa would be back and I'd be having dinner by then, while we watched TV/news and slept. On weekends, I remember, I'd wait to start having my lunch around 1:30 as that's when "Karishma ka Karishma" came on TV and would go to amma's room where she was sleeping and watch that and then from 2-2:30 watch Kya Mast Hai Life (loved this) and quietly switched it off and came out to play with aadarsh. I still don't know why I didnt watch these in the TV in the hall or why I had to wait to have my lunch at that time (something with amma sleeping helped -- in the case that I might have to leave out some vegetables I didn't like having). 5) When I was younger (primary school years) and during a visit to Chennai, appa once asked Sruthi and I if we wanted to go to the beach at 5/6am. I was fascinated by the idea (not the beach, or the timing) but that appa wanted to do something with me and asked me if I wanted to join. I remember waking up really early, taking an auto and going Marina beach. We went near the water and it was a beautiful sight. Not many people around and just us three. Appa and kids. That's where I remember my chappal or maybe sruthi's floating away. There was a sudden rush of feeling scared since something we owned was going away + the risks of going to get it (I'll admit I tried and didn't think about the depth of the water/waves). Then a fisherman uncle as I want to call him - went into to get that chappal for us. I was SO SO THANKFUL and amazed that he'd do that for us. Now that I share this, I realise it was sruthi's chappal as I clunched on to mine harder. 6) One of the things I maintained for many years was that I didn't like when Appa went on office trips. I believed that he went on those trips because I 'allowed' him. He'd ask me and obviously first choice is no but a small little explanation and I'd let him go for no more than 2 days (anything longer was only allowed counting flight hours). Now I'm aware it wasn't my permission as much as his convincing but now also I'd like if and push that they go through me (they do). The last permission I refused might've been me saying - Jakarta?! I don't want to move there and leave Delhi (I'd finally settled after 7 years) but same year we moved to Mumbai.... Another example with trips is that on one particular instance, I didn't want appa to travel. He was going to Mumbai and we were in Bangalore at the time and he said he'd go and come back the same day. I thought my crying made that happen (I really thought I influenced him a lot) but its something I didn't believe. He said he'd be back at 8pm and I remember standing in front of the clock staring at the wall for it to turn 8. It was the very first time I saw the hour hand in a clock move (Was told you cannot see it move as obvious as a minute hand). And to seeing appa at 8 - I thought that was magic. When I was younger, I refused to go to sleep when asked/earlier - purely because I hadn't seen appa that day. I disliked eating without him and sleeping without seeing him. Amma would push to go to sleep and I'd give in and do first class acting of closing my eyes if amma opened the door (I'd flinch my eyes because of the light so she always knew) but I thought I'd fooled her. I'd wait for appa to come and wish goodnight even if sleeping and acted like I was woken up by him (had to sell the story). 7) I remember vividly telling amma (was very very young) denying paruppu saadham once. I don't know why or how that when I said so and she didn't push me (it gets mixed with rice that she thinks I didn't know). Around the time is also when I remember I didn't like milk very much (especially the end part/last few sips). I'd drink 3/4 and on the pre-text of washing the glass, would throw rest of the paal. Again, thought I was SLY as a fly. But I am very very nervous doing something like this so when appa called/saw me, I freaked out. Either he guessed or I owned up to it and we made a deal to not tell amma (I am sure this was broken from his end). 8) I wanted glasses, braces, to have a fractured arm/leg. Don't question me on these. I only got to try amma's glasses from now and then but she would not allow. I also wanted bangs (flicks, what it was called then) but had no knowledge of hair type/style. I tried to cut a small part over a period of days thinking its not obvious and would pin them so amma didn't see and when she asked - I said its new hair growing. Don't laugh. Now I am a MUCH MUCH better liar - to the extent that I'd like the opposite person to figure out I am lying sometimes. 9) I loved wearing heels. Its not the height or design but the sound they make. So, more than heels, LOVED wooden floors. I wanted them so I could wear heels and keep walking back and forth and feel like an office woman giving presentations/writing on whiteboards (also, my favourite thing when I went to appa's office). I remember I had a Barbie set I think (Heels + jewellery) - I thought jewellery sucked in design/flashy but heels I wore over stairs as the next best thing to hear the sound. But I didn't use it often because it was pink. 10) I remember the first time I was introduced to English songs and it was Love Story & Tik Tok. I didn't know where to hear it but wrote down lyrics from what my friends sang and daily night would read and memorize the lyrics with aadarsh. He picked up tik tok faster even. This was pre-youtube so the English song I discovered by myself was Ibiza because it was on our itunes on a Sony Vaio laptop. (I used youtube AFTER aadarsh who used it before me in Vietnam). - I'd shared that I like getting gifts under the pillow. For NY's once, aadarsh had Rs 50 and we went to a store and he asked for Rs 20 more from appa because we were at a store and I'd mentioned I liked a notebook that had a button to open and close. I knew he was getting it for me but wanted to get after I sat in the car and called appa to come to the store. That morning I woke up to aadarsh eagerly waiting for me to be up and said look under the pillow - and there he had kept the notebook that he bought with the money he'd saved for me. - Aaadarsh, when he was younger had a phase with hearing problem when we had ENT visits and hearing tests. I am not good with anyone close visiting the doctor for anything more than what's a normal fever/cold. ENT was a fancy name and hearing that he has fluid in his head for which he'd need surgery, was not a good news. I remember rushing home, sitting on the study table where I had a small glass ganesha idol (I won this in a Tumbola - Jaldi 5 contest) and I sat in front of the idol - daily for weeks praying that I don't want him to have surgery. After a few weeks when the doctor said, the fluid reduced and he doesn't need surgery - I went to say thanks and never made a wish after. - Aadarsh calls me Akka. He's seldom called/used my name in a sentence. I can't imagine him saying Pavi. But when he was about 3-5 years, my favourite & precious gift is him writing - Happy Birthday, Akka with amma holding his hand and finding that in the morning. However, the habit to call me 'Akka; stuck because I said I won't talk to him if he doesn't call me akka. This tactic doesn't work now :/ - My most lasting impact on him was when I was disappointed at something aadarsh did/said (not acceptable behaviour) and I said I wouldn't talk. I didn't and just when I was to give up (I can't stay mad at him), he'd gone crying to amma and appa asking them to convince me to speak with him. He literally hugged it out with us both making promises. - I learn better when I teach aadarsh. I've taught him grade 10 math, economics etc in grade 5 to help me learn. But grade 11 and me struggling with physics was an interesting experience. I was trying to teach him different types of energy (Kinetic, potential etc) and was highlighting the differences when aadarsh drew something he learnt at school that explained the concepts better. Here's my understanding of Potential Energy (imagining his drawing, a stick figure - moving from atop a cliff to the bottom has displayed potential energy. Not sure who can confirm this for me but at the time, what he taught me helped me manage that unit test.

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unsp0ken-details · 3 years

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Saigon(e)

I was 12 years old when I was told that Mumbai has a 'fast' life. I never understood what that meant and remember (till date), how can one place be a faster life than the other (in this case, Gurgaon/Delhi). Fast forward years later, as we moved out of Vietnam and Hong Kong; this example came to mind and strangely so, it made sense. In my opinion, I find Delhi and Vietnam to have had slower lives and Mumbai and Hong Kong where life was fast paced. I can't fully place my finger on what makes them that way but I know it makes sense. Coming to Vietnam; I was very excited with the move - the reason was solely based on the chance to skip the impending board exams. I had no clue about Vietnam, the only knowledge I happened to know was that it was close to Cambodia and Angkorwat (which 8 years later, we still haven't been to). My perception of Vietnam was quite far from reality. I assumed it would look like US and have individual houses, with a post box in the front yard, and I'd eventually get a British accent. Appa told me I was wrong but I did not want to believe him and boy was it a shock when we landed in Vietnam. I still remember that night vividly - it reminded me of India and in no way fit the criteria of "foreign" in my head. As we reached our hotel and all of Hanoi seemed very very very different. Forwarding to life in Ho Chi Minh City; the 3 years I spent there were some treasured moments. In the friend circle that my family and I had, I was the oldest amongst the kids (the only one in high school) and wasn't super close with my school friends to extend that out of school. However, now years after, I cherish that. It was a refreshing change to be in a more familial environment with kids all younger than me. There is just so so so much to learn from them. The innocence, the creativity, its incomparable (although, slowly, I do happen to have a testing limit until what age group/time I can/am able to handle :p) Vietnam was a unique experience. People didn't know much about the place, and more so why would we move there. Amma's main concern was to make sure we kids (Aadarsh and I) were fine and comfortable with the international system of schooling and that appa was happy with work. A year into our move, appa switched workplaces and since then we had a comfortable lifestyle. Adarsh and I would leave home around 6:20 and Appa around 7 and we'd be back in the afternoon depending upon our after school activities. Appa came back around 5/6pm and we'd have dinner around 7. After returning, Aadarsh and I would take a break (for him it was an hour of youtube), finish home work, go down to play (with Anureet & Jasmeh - we didn't know anyone else) and come back for dinner. - I remember over dinner when Appa would make fun of Aadarsh and my favourite teacher (Grade 5 & 10) as most of what we spoke was around them. It was Mr. Andrew Gilford and Mrs. Gabby for Aadarsh. Appa always gave nicknames to mine, Aadarsh's or Amma's friends and now it was teachers ;) At school, I started with a bigger group and over the years (wanted to consciously) step out of the group concept and start speaking with different students and that pushed me to be a lot more open. It's interesting how when one has a comfortable friend circle, we don't step out of our comfort zone and its more of a personal loss honestly. I remember applying for positions, taking part in groups, volunteering, all independently more in line with something I personally wanted to do and not based on what a group of friends/people saw it as. It was a liberating experience.

- I remember making a power point presentation of Vegetarianism and was asked by my Geography teacher to share that in the cafeteria and ironically, it was displayed right above each non-vegetarian dish that was served in a buffet style. (Did not want to claim ownership for that amongst friends and took it down a week in if I remember correctly).

- I was a very slow eater from childhood and this is something I shared with my friends + showcased - given that it took me the whole 1 hour of lunch to finish my food. Hence, each time I finished my food before the expected 1:20pm, I had friends on the table stand up and clap....to my embarrassment...

- In my Senior year, I had no free lunch to sit with my friends. Every day of the week, I had a club meeting to attend to. Except some Wednesdays when I got to hang out with friends in the Senior Lounge mainly completing assignments or when Nguyen and I escaped to the Kiosk corner to sit and eat by ourselves (and have private discussions).

- I started watching my first English TV show in Junior Year (Pretty Little Liars) right before SAT's. Not a good choice. And watching that is also when I first stayed up until 3am for the very first time. And then slowly, sometimes while speaking with Nguyen I'd whisper and have calls with Nguyen going post midnight and once Amma realised and came to tell to stop and go to sleep (still may have continued).

- Around that week is when I attended prom, senior dinner, attended 2 house party's and came by around midnight and was surprised that I got permission (expected a no from amma and appa).

- Senior dinner was held in a steakhouse (I didn't know this) and funnily the first person who was being served this was ME (the only vegetarian) and before he cut the meat on to my plate, I had my friends around who noticed and screamed to stop that (scared me) and then I realised. I was given mushroom pasta which I didn't like but my friends did and they chose to finish that and so that mutually worked out.

- Prom dinner was 5 Ferrero Rochers (thanks to my friends to shared theirs) because there was nothing vegetarian available....

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unsp0ken-details · 3 years

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Cheers

to the times one would look back and say those were the simpler times

to the times when nap times were forced

to the times when Maggi was not a meal

to the times when fashion was matching dress & earrings

to the times when dining table rule was, 'no TV'

to the times when we dreamt big

to the times where an early bed time was a reality

to the times of braids over buns

to those times, we say

those were the simpler times

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unsp0ken-details · 3 years

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Meri Bangalore Waali Daadi

A number of anecdotes come to mind as I think of my Bangalore Paati as my cousins and I called her. By the way, it had been years since she lived in Bangalore but the name stuck and ‘Chennai Paati’ didn’t have the same ring to it (though I have heard this term being used and shall educate whoever proposed this to shift back to ‘Bangalore Paati') - Stay Tuned!

A few instances/experiences with her;

I’d told her that its not helpful and (not right) to have cold water and medicines. Months later, when she was taking medicines she said she would remember me each time she took medicines with cold water (not that it led to changes in this regard but she was so proud and narrated this with a huge smile on her face)

For as long as I’ve known paati (22 years), and during each visit that we’ve made to Chennai, its always been her at the door, no matter how late it got and always ready to serve food and if not food, milk was always an option she had ready

Pudhu pudhu dishes to me were almost always introduced by her — there is no one who beats her cooking. If she cooks for 2 or for 50, quality is not compromised. What surprises me further is that, thatha would claim that her cooking was EVEN BETTER in times before when my father was younger.

She is one strong person that I’ve seen never EVER complain and has been emotionally & mentally the strongest person I know and (closely following would be my mother). For all the comments said by close family or relatives, she has disregarded if not useful but taken none to heart. Her innocence knows no bounds.

And following that, she did think she could crush tomatoes and give them to me as “Juice” in the pretext of me having it and so she wouldn’t have to waste them before our travel to HK. I'll try beetroot if she asked me to but tomato juice wasn't a compromise I was ready for.

HK reminds me of paati’s reluctance to wheelchairs and walking sticks. She disliked using them and wheelchairs, definitely not. But in HK she used them and would also agree to walking a little so the combination was struck.

Paati would share stories about her kids when I (as usual) would annoy her with MANY ( I mean this) questions. The ones she often shared were:

Appa stuffing sugar in his mouth and blaming Shriram Chittappa

How Appa could "COOK" - V, disagrees.

I always had a ready made list for her on what she should cook when I visit her and it will and always be - Vengayam Thogayal, Molagu Khozhumbu & Paruppu Thogayal, Senakhazhanghu, Kadalai and Maaaanga Urga vaa and Fruit aa <3. Paavam thatha, every visit of mine meant he had to do the shopping.

Even on the 6th of December when I spoke with her and told her I'd come to visit her, she'd told thatha that he has to buy senakhazhungu for me.

Some of Paati's favourite conversations were about her grandchildren. She would talk proudly about Sruthi and Srinidhi about their studies, how sruthi scored 100 in sanskrit & tamil, how srinidhi now cooks a variety of dishes or drove her around etc.

Amma often told us that paati was extremely fast at math. She used to manage the finances of the house very well, fully aware of where each penny is being spent, lending/owing money (with interest, if I may add) and kept track of it. Every bus ride to Therezhandhur, I would conduct this competition between her and aadarsh (I didn't play since I wasn't interested to publicly expose my below average mental math skills) and would give them sums to add/subtract and paati gives a tough competition! Plus a little competition between someone in early tween years and 60+ simply makes for a good watch.

A can't miss to-do list during my Chennai visits was DINNNER AT MARINA. The menu was set - Puliyodharai, thayir saadham from home. I never set the menu but it became a staple and a favourite staple. Thatha, Paati, Chithappa's family, us, we would all go to the Marina beach around 7/8pm. Lay out the bedsheet, each putting a chappal in a corner and careful to not let the sand on the sheet. Appa would go to get the bajji's, the kids would be attempting our version of sand castle (literally, always a mountain) and I shuffled between the two. We'd also play frizbee/ball with the appa's - this never worked (wind, poor frizbee throwing skills) but I loved us simply trying to execute it. Paati would love chilli bajji, and neatly serve us puliyodharai, vatthal, and then thayir saadham with oorga!

My favourite beach fooooooods at the Beach are - MAAAANGA, KADALAII, BHUTTTTA (I don't know what its called in tamil) <3. I will eat all 3 and also dinner (very few times can I claim such feat).

We'd sometimes also try going near the water (given the time and type of tide) and seldom have I been scared of the beach but a few times when we have visited marina -- seeing the bright full moon, the waves, the darkness and the span of the beach has made me reluctant a few times.

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unsp0ken-details · 3 years

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Simpler Times

Gone are the days when my alarm was my mother’s (rather loud) call for my name at precisely 6:30 am which my brother conveniently slept through (also happens to be one of many others reasons I envy him for).

Life was simpler then, with the only disruption in my routine being if I didn’t “pack” my bag the day before and the morning rush to decide which notebooks/binders to take for that day of classes.

I never went to a school without uniforms, so on that front, things remained standard until I graduated high school. However, Vietnam did give the option to diversify my footwear from time to time or even my hairstyle (nights that were spent post midnight, translated to buns for a hairstyle the next morning). My mom questioned and frowned upon this choice, MANY times.

At school however, the concept of tiredness was rarely applicable. I would have complained about boredom, losing interest, or distraction but never tired. Unless of course we had PE and I had to climb up 4 floors to make it to English or a Spanish class. After second floor I am basically holdings my knees and the handle for support.

School was a series of fascinating experiences.

Here comes, Newspaper Game. Every time we had a substitute teacher, my friend and I are out with our newspapers and in no test have I been more competitive than this game. I in-fact read the newspaper and absorbed content much better during the games than I did when we were asked to read. Each tally mark to symbolise your win for the round made me feel like I should hold the newspaper as momento to preserve this achievement.

Another factor with roll numbers that stuck was when the teacher mandated that we sit with students with a roll number before and after us alternatively. To be the one of the few who got to sit with 2 girls each time (basically same gender, as otherwise it was considered as punishment/uncool) was an honour that not everyone got and to be one - couldn’t get any luckier!

One of the memories I have of this is, in grade 6 is when Garima and I started hanging around more and would travel together in the school bus. That one day we happened to have some misunderstanding between us where Garima was upset with me and not talking. As timing works in my life, that's the day we find both our mothers waiting for us because Garima's mom had made Idli's and she called amma and I over. The whole walk to their place was part scary as we didn't say a word to each other and I was tensed. But arriving home, we did break the silence and spoke since our mother's were around and there was a mutual understanding of not wanting to share our current situation with them. Can't remember clearly if we ever addressed the cause of the misunderstanding or not, but nothing that a plate of Idli and Puliyodharai cannot solve :)

We aligned quite a few times on the food department when we would be coming in the lift each thinking that it would be amazing if amma had maggi for snack after school and this confession would happen in the lift, we'd step out and smell maggi from the door only to know that amma would have made that. I simply never saw this as a co-incidence and I won't.

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