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It has come to the point of my life where I'm starting to hate just about every single person in this world. Seriously, there hasn't been a single person that I could now look forward to seeing and/or talk to, anymore. Everyone is just so fucked up and I find myself shutting myself down more and more every single day.

Ever since the breakup, the thought of leaving this place once and for all has been running on loop. The thought has never been stronger than it was yesterday. The moment when you don't understand just how the hell can things go so wrong in such a short amount of time and all you can do is to keep everything to yourself because there really isn't anyone in this world that you can open up to.

I am so pissed off. I am so exhausted. I am so annoyed. I am so depressed. I am so angry. I am so melancholy.

There are a billion things that I want to say but the biggest voice of it all lies in nothing but my silence.

There has been so many occasions during work where I just want to drive my fists into the wall and presumably some other people's faces as well.

I was asked if I wanted to make more money by working during my off days. I said yes unhesitatingly.

I need more money.

I need to get out of this place.

Once.

And.

For.

Fucking.

All.

There is no single person that I like or love at the moment I posted this. At least, not someone that knows of my existence.

I hate him for abusing his power over me.

I hate him for making me feel guilty for doing things for myself.

I hate him for shutting me out despite all that I have shared with him.

I hate how he thinks he is doing the right thing by avoiding shit and always apologizing as if everything will be alright just because you fucking apologized.

I fucking hate how I never hear a single fucking compliment for the things that I have done well and still have to endure all the shits for all of the things I've done wrongly.

I hate every single person in this world.

But most importantly...

I hate how I am unable to shed a single fucking tear despite being how torn up I am on the inside.

I feel so sick, I can feel my stomach hurling at me every single minute.

I feel so sick, I can feel my heart beating right over at my throat, waiting for any chance to pop right out from my mouth.

I feel so sick that I can barely concentrate on anything.

I feel so sick that I can't even hurt myself the way I've been hurt by many others.

I really wanna just throw myself in front of a bus or a truck and just end everything in one go.

I want to fucking die so I can go back into people's lives and fucking haunt them till they die.

I want to beat people up and cut their faces with a knife so they can feel the pain that I feel all the time.

I am so tired of pretending that I'm fine, so I'm gonna stop pretending anymore.

Anything that you see, it is nothing but an act.

And boy I am good at acting as if I haven't killed your fucking sorry ass a million times in my head in a billion fucking ways.

And if I can get away with murder without actually trying, none of the people I know in my life would still be alive.

I fucking hate you all and I want you all to die.

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To be honest, I wasn't expecting to hear much compliments about my new look from not only friends but from strangers alike. I was expecting a lot more, "Eee"s and "Ew, why did you do that?"s from the people around me. So to hear compliments about my new look kinda sets me up for a good mood the entire day knowing that something that I was insecure about when I was in my teens is now something that is acceptable and well liked by a whole other generation of audience. Looks like this is a successful transformation! Now if only I can grow a beard... Or at least a goatee... Hur hur hur...

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So I've just pulled a Britney Spears ala 2007 and shaved my own head. No, I didn't follow that up with an umbrella attack though. 🙂

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"Would the world be a much better place when I'm no longer a part of it?"

That is what kept occurring in my head after he answered, "sometimes", when I asked him if I remind him of pain and misery.

Ever since we called it quits, I would still chat with him every day because it's been a habit of mine for as long as I can remember. The only times when I could resist chatting with him was when we were in a fight and I was basically waiting for an apologetic text from him that never came.

I have to admit... Chatting with him right after the breakup is weird. Too weird, in fact.

You see, I can no longer call him my baby. But it's what I have been addressing him for the past 2.75 years... And we always chat in Chinese. So call him by his name is weird, too.

So I continued to call him, "bae".

And even though he replied (and boy did he take his turn in doing so), the atmosphere just isn't right anymore. Replying me seemed like a task he had no other choice but to complete.

When I asked if he didn't want to chat with me, he said it was because he was busy. I accepted the reason at first... I mean. I have always believed in the things he said, so I certainly had no reason to suddenly doubt the things he said.

Until the night when I asked if he would still be mad at me for my wrongdoings during our relationship. He asked if it's the one time that I almost cheated on him with someone I barely knew online. I said no. He asked what it was then. I asked if he would be mad if I told him that I had feelings for another person whilst in the relationship. He didn't reply immediately. He just replied even if it were true, it was all in the past now. He even had time to point out how my "I love you's" to him wasn't 100% true at that time.

I felt really lost, to be honest. Why would I do this to him, and to myself?

I texted him the next day saying I only said those things to him because I knew how easy it was to trigger him and that by doing so, I am giving him a reason to get over me sooner.

I don't feel like myself anymore. The thing is, I haven't quite felt like myself for a really long time. Who am I, to be honest?

I know I am a lot of things... But what makes me, me?

I have no idea whatsoever if I'm being completely honest with you.

Ever since that day he hasn't been replying to my texts instantaneously like he used to. He told me that he was busy, but I still find him sharing stuff in his Facebook. So he has the time to look for songs and videos online but had no time to reply me?

I was disappointed when I discovered that. And so I purposely shared on fb that I now know what to do.

After a while, I saw another post on his wall, about a gif that says, "What part of 'I'm busy do people don't understand?'.

I was hurt when I saw that. Because I'm pretty sure he's talking about me once he saw my "I now know what to do" post.

So our relationship deteriorated further after that. But I still chatted with him as if nothing happened. But deep down inside I know things are becoming more and more strange and moreover so awkward.

I continued to update him on my whereabouts and whatever it is that I am doing in that moment. Just like what I always did when I was with him. He would always just reply a simple, "en". But most of the times he wouldn't reply at all. I know that if I asked what's wrong, he would just give me the stupid "I'm just busy, that's all" excuse.

Until just now.

He lent me his car for the night coz he's going somewhere with his friends for a day trip. Something he only mentioned to me the day before the trip. A part of me was hurt again because he would tell me these things whenever he had the chance to, but I know I now have no right to be bothered.

I told him that I was sending my colleague back home. What I didn't tell him is that I was hungry and have decided to take away from the drive through instead. So I did what I did and I didn't look at my phone. Not even once, because I was listening to my music on repeat through the Bluetooth.

When I got home he sent a sarcastic message asking if my colleague is staying so far away that I haven't even reached home after 30 minutes. It was only then when I told him that I went for a takeaway. He was upset that I didn't text him at all throughout the trip. But he has been doing the same thing to me for the past few days and I never said anything. I am upset too... But I didn't let him know.

So after my shower I took a picture of my food and sent it to him. He didn't reply immediately again.

So I asked him if he doesn't want to chat or interact with me. He said sometimes. I asked him why, and he said he's just so tired with living. I asked if that's the reason why he never initiated a conversation with me, he replied sort of.

And so I asked if I reminded him of pain and misery. He said sometimes. Then he quickly said that he's tired and is going to bed now.

Hence the thought kept playing in my head.

"Would the world be a much better place without me in it?"

I feel like nothing but a failure.

I failed as a boyfriend.

I failed as a son.

I failed as a person with a job.

I failed as a friend.

I failed as a brother.

I failed as an author.

I failed as a singer.

I failed as a person with ambitions.

I failed as a leader.

No one wants to have anything to do with me. Especially in the long run.

So what is my purpose in life, exactly? Do I only exist in life to act as every single person's secondary character is all of their life stories?

Why should I matter?

What difference would it make whether or not I'm alive?

Will anyone actually miss me?

Yeah, I'm sure people will tell me, "oh, but I still miss you!" whenever the question above is mentioned. But how many people actually walked the walk instead of just talking the talk?

So far, none.

Which brings us back to the same question again...

"What the fuck are you doing still alive?"

Go kill yourself already. You're just wasting the previous oxygen in the world...

I effing hate you, AJ. I really do.

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It is still quite hard for me to imagine living the rest of my life without him... But, in the end, in the wise words of a certain someone, life goes on...

I don't know what will happen to me from now on... I don't think I'm ready to find out though...

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If anyone asks, I'm just gonna reply, "No, I'm not okay". But I'll be.

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I pray that no one would ever have to go through the pain and torture of having to hold back your tears during work and while in public. That feeling totally sucks balls. :(

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This was our last selfie taken together, back in April 15th, on my birthday. Today marks the end of an era... The end of my first ever relationship... And while some people choose to badmouth their exes after a breakup, I find it completely unnecessary and immature to do so. He was the love of my life for as long as I could remember. But then there is always an "Expectations Vs. Reality" situation where things don't (and hardly ever) go the way you wanted. Everywhere I go, and almost every single thing that I did, reminds me of him. It's sad, obviously, but at the same time, it's also bittersweet because it shows that we two have really been through a lot together. When we broke up for the first time last January, that was when I started to realize that perhaps my love for him was nothing than that of a brotherly love. I respect his choices and his views on things and the way he is super strict with not only himself but with me as well. Maybe that was the reason why we don't really work out. Because I am a guy who enjoys fun and creativity but he's more grounded and firm with his way of thinking. He will always think of a lot of things before making a choice while I am the one who is super spontaneous and would just go along with anything at any time. He is a person who is always checking on reality while I am the person who kept telling myself that no matter what, things will always go my way. I'm a kite, and he's the flyer. And our relationship is the string that held us together. It was fun at first, but we started to realize the strings were cutting us up in hurtful ways. But we kept ignoring the fact that we're both pained and was finding it harder and harder to keep holding on. Hurt, he grabbed the strings even harder, ultimately putting on more and more stress on himself in real life. While I, the kite, was battling wind currents and looking out for us high above the ground. I was so afraid that he would let go of me because I would then have no direction in life whatsoever. I was selfish, and that hurt him a lot. In one way or another, I was the one who kept holding him back... And so I told him to cut us free. But of course he'd have to reel me in back to the earth first. I'm not sure if you get the metaphors I'm using... But it's the one that came to me at random but at the same time, makes a lot of sense... I have hurt him in so many ways before during our relationship. And I always didn't notice that because I was so high up in the sky, enjoying my good life while neglecting his pain, his endurance and his scars. To say that any one of us was wrong is not right. We were just two people who weren't destined for one another, meeting at the time we thought was right and just went along with it. True love doesn't include one person constantly wondering if there is someone out there who can make them happier. And true love doesn't mean that you can continue doing hurtful stuff and get away with it just because the other half kept forgiving you for it. This guy was part of my life that I was proud to share with the world. But because we have polarizing ideals in one another, we have never truly achieved happiness... We were just two individuals who got together and tried our best to fit into each other's lives and called it love... Kinda like the picture where someone stuffed all the alphabets wrongly into the mould and said he/she has completed the puzzle. It just isn't right. I'm really proud of the moments that we two shared for the past 2 years and 9 months... He was, and forever shall be, one of the most important people in my life. Which is why I could never bring myself to end our friendship/relationship no matter how weirdly awkward it is. Do I still love him? You betcha sweet ass I still do. But do I still want him as my romantic partner? Maybe not... This is a relationship we both knew we had to end quite some time ago... But we chose to keep going with it because we believed that we could change for the better, for one another. But too much time has been wasted, it seems. I kind of felt like I have been hogging a lot of his time when he could've used the time to build himself up to the best version of himself so he can meet the one that will truly make him happy. Sadly, we were just two pieces of puzzle that didn't fit, even though we're part of the same puzzle... I wish him nothing but the best... And I wish he could meet someone who is tens and thousands of times better than I am. Someone who can truly understand and tolerate his everything. Someone who can be 100% patient with his tantrums. He doesn't like to throw tantrums... He only does so when he's unhappy with his current situation. It just turns out that a lot of his unhappiness came from me... I will always love him. And I hope we can continue to be a part of each other's lives until the very end of time... I love you with everything in my heart, my baby boo... But it's time to finally say goodbye...

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I can't help but to feel completely lonely right now. And even though I'm surrounded by people around me who will constantly ask me what's wrong and if I'm doing okay, I still feel like there is no one I can connect with.

Though... There is someone...

But that someone has been vocal about how we can never be together.

And yet I can't stop thinking about him.

What makes it worse is that I find my self easily influenced by his actions and his words.

I've told him stuff that I only told my ex, about my insecurities, my flaws, my fears, my weaknesses, my past...

And because he hasn't avoided me like others did in the past, I find myself falling back into that phase again. The phase where I fall head first for that person who appears to be interested in my stories no matter how crazy they are. People who hear, but not necessarily listen.

I still don't know if he heard or listened to my stories. But it is very frightening for me to tell someone so many things about myself and yet, at the same time, know so little about him.

I'm scared of being let down yet again. Being disappointed, being told, "I'm here for you," but when needed, is nowhere to be seen.

I texted him yesterday saying that I'm super lonely and I feel really alone. But he only replied a few hours later with a simple, "Sorry for the late reply"... No explanation, no asking if I'm doing fine or if I need someone to talk to. The answer to the final question is obvious. Otherwise I wouldn't have texted him in the first place.

Which got me thinking... He's not the one for you, boo.

I kept emphasizing that I need someone who would prioritize me over anything to my ex, and one of the reasons we broke up is because we came to a conclusion that I would never be his first priority no matter what. I have never been his first priority and I probably would never be.

So when it hit me hard that this someone would also not make me his priority, it broke me yet again. And it's sad because I was desperate to look for someone who I can talk to. Someone I can lean on when I'm weak. But sadly, this isn't the case.

Sure, he might have his reasons to reply late... But that's the thing... He has his own life to live... Why should I keep bothering him with my personal issues? It's not like he's being paid to listen to my sob stories. And ain't nobody who would spend their day listening to someone being negative all day...

So yeah.

My feelings for him has been developed soon after I got close to him. I was in a super confused state, even, because I clearly know that it's wrong to develop feelings for someone when you're in a relationship. But even back then, there were already a lot of problems between my ex and I, and being close with him is the only thing I looked forward to, be it during work or not.

But he has constantly reminded me that he's not into me the way I am into him.

And for a short period of time, I told myself that I've let go. We should just be friends.

However, when it occurred to me that this relationship that I had with my ex is something that can no longer be fixed, I started to build hopes again.

I know I'm being stupid and everything. But that's just how I am throughout my life... I always fall for the wrong person in the wrong time at the wrong place...

A thought popped up in my head this afternoon while at work: what if I leave this country for good? Go somewhere new where no one knows me just to start over? Go somewhere I know I can be fully accepted for the things that I love and for the person I am.

I need to get away from all this overused and heavily recycled clichés where I get hurt over and over again... Why can't I be the person to do the hurting and get away with it for once?

I always look after people's feelings, but to what end? I still end up getting hurt...

And this guy... This guy who I have been thinking of all the time... This guy who clearly knows that I'm into him but still decided to befriend me... Why?

I really can't...

Which is why I kept avoiding him today... I told myself I have to destroy this bridge because that's the only way I can free myself from him. As unfair as it sounds, this has been the only way for as long as I can remember...

I don't want to stop seeing him and to stop thinking of him and stop talking to him though...

Maybe I'm only doing this so I can get over my ex sooner... But...

I'm really confused now... Why is this happening to me?

I'm really sad right now and yet again, this is my only way of telling it as it is. I have to, or I'll go even crazier in my head...

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I guess with or without a phone doesn't really change or affect anything at all anymore... Since the main function of it to communicate with people is basically obsolete now in my case...

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It's incredible how alone you can be and how fascinating it is to have not even a single person whom you can talk to out of the hundreds/thousands of people that you know in real and virtual life.

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TS = Taylor Swift?

Me... TS= Temporarily Single

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Have you ever wondered what is the theme of your life? Take, for example, a story. Before anything else is written, the writer would have to decide what kind of story he/she would like to tell. The genre would then be a setting in which the writer could easily decide what to do creatively.

I guess mine would be, "unfit".

Or something else. Maybe a better word for it might come up later in the post as I type along. It is 3.30am now, as I'm typing this, after all.

Growing up, this feeling where I don't belong to any clique or how I wasn't able to fit in never really hit me until just a few weeks or months ago when it suddenly occurred to me that I have never ever really belonged to anything at all.

For starters, born in April 1992, according to the Chinese zodiacs or whatever you call it (astronomy, perhaps?), I am a water monkey sign. However, in the western zodiacs, I am a fire sign. So it is somehow destined in some ways that I will be having conflicting issues with myself throughout my whole life. Because water and fire don't really get along.

Trust me, it all shall make sense as I go further down the road.

I am a Malaysian. Mirian, to be specific. But then I grew up in Brunei. So one of the very frequently asked questions when I talked about this part was, "So are you a Bruneian or a Malaysian?" So I have to explain to them that my father worked in Brunei for most of his life and he met my mother there, so that's why I was raised in Brunei.

Speaking of my mother, that's where another issue arose. You see, my mother is born and raised in Johore, West Malaysia. But she met my father in Brunei and they got married and have kids there. My sister was born in Brunei, and I was born in Johore, where my mum went back to in order to give birth to me. Now a lot of people would then ask me, "So are you a West Malaysian, or are you a Sarawakian?"

To be honest I forgot how I reacted the first time I heard those questions. But the more I hear them, the sadder I become. Coz it feels like no matter how I introduce myself, there will always be a question to make me question the point of my existence.

Now you might think, "Oh, it's nothing, Joey. It just goes to show that you have a very interesting background and that you've experienced things most people wouldn't have been able to experience!"

That is true. But having listened to the same questions and been given the exact same reactions that I get from them just gets really exhausting with time.

And then there's my homosexuality. Growing up, I didn't have a lot of male friends. Or any friends at all, if you may. Sure, I do have 2 childhood male friends who were almost everywhere I was wherever I went, but I don't think that's because they wanted to, or maybe their parents (or mothers, to be exact) simply asked their kids to stay close to me for some reason. Maybe because my mum asked? I don't know. Point is, the last time I talked to these 2 tightly knitted childhood friends was ages ago. I saw one of them earlier this year I think, but that was just the normal, "oh hey nice seeing you here! Where have you been? Oh, that's nice. See you soon okay? Buh bye~" type of conversations.

Okay, back to my homosexuality.

I was rather feminine when I was in my early years, to the point I was teased a lot by my school mates. Note: school mates. Not just classmates, not just grade mates, but school mates. Even my teachers were making fun of me. One of them even made fun of my name in front of the whole class and they just laughed their asses off because apparently that was funny to them. Till this day, I have yet to forgive that teacher and the way she made fun of my given name still haunts me. And the fact that my parents and relatives never addressed me by my name certainly didn't make things better. (They called sister by her... Yeah...) So that explains why I hate it when people ask me what's my Chinese name and what's my full name. I hate it with a passion. I loathe it.

So there you go, another reason why I don't belong. I can't click with guys and befriending girls will let me be made fun of because of the girlish things that I liked.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is only in my primary school years.

When I left my primary school, I couldn't be happier. I was so ready to move to a new place and start all over with people who don't know me at all.

Alas, it seems that other parents were also sending their children into government schools because apparently it was cheaper and that we don't have to purchase any textbooks. Hmm...

So some of my classmates were also transferred into my secondary school. And even though I scored the perfect score possible in order to get into the best class, I was denied entry because I wasn't local. I could only be placed in the non-science-stream (commercial stream? I know it isn't really art stream too). I, again, felt like I didn't belong.

So fast forward a bit. Basically I am a Chinese, now studying in a Malay, government school. Most of my peers are Malay, and they mostly converse in Bruneian Malay or English. That's how I improved my English standard (through listening to and studying English lyrics). However I couldn't improve my Malay standard because I don't listen to Malay music and back then I didn't have vast internet access like I do right now.

Speaking of Malay, there's my look. You see, I am a Chinese who doesn't look a bit at all like a pure Chinese. People would always ask me, "Are you pure Chinese?" and "Omg you don't look like Chinese at all! You look like Malay la!" Over the years I've developed a reply that just says, "Yeah, a lot of people have commented the same thing! Sometimes even I myself wonder if I'm Chinese! Haha~" and yes, I would even add a fake laugh to make things less awkward. And in some cases, people would even think I'm a bumi or Filipino or something. But Chinese? Yeah, maybe 1 in 50?

So now I just speak English to strangers on a regular basis. I refuse to speak Mandarin to my Chinese customers because I want to avoid the "Omg you're Chinese?" conversation because I don't want that at all. I just want to save my time and saliva talking the unnecessary small talk.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere...

I don't think there ever will be a place where I can go to and say, "Yes, this is it!"

Maybe not in conservative Malaysia, no...

I want to move away to the United States of America, or Canada, too, where things are more openly accepted. Maybe the questions I hear the most over there would be, "omg are you from China or Japan?" but at least I can save the "omg you're Chinese? But you don't look like one!" and the "omg so are you Malaysian or Bruneian?" conversations.

The general election was such a huge topic this month and people are still talking about it till this day (it's been almost 2 weeks now).

But I don't feel patriotic at all. Coz I don't feel like a Malaysian. And I certainly don't feel like a Bruneian.

When I told people that I don't know how to sing the Malaysian national anthem, all of the replies I get were, "Get out of Malaysia. How can you call yourself a Malaysian if you don't even know how to sing the national anthem?!" with a disgusted look on their faces.

If you aren't hurt by those replies then you're probably made of stones.

I am not. I feel hurt. And even though I was able to laugh it off on the outside, I'm actually crying on the inside.

And I hate myself for everything that I've went through alone.

I don't know why I never told my family about this. Probably coz my parents enjoy the company of my sister more than mine?

I don't have a place where I can call my own... A lot of times when I found a place that I can call mine, somehow, somewhere, someone will come over and eventually push me out of there and claimed it their own.

I don't feel like I belong. Maybe not in this planet or even in this universe...

Sometimes I wish there is a way I can erase my existence from this world...