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lulz

"I'll definitely see you then"

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I told him to contact me before monday/tuesday but whatever, if he doesn’t want to chill I won’t ask him again like fuck I’m not just sitting here waiting on him day and night, I had other plans to make too

I'm a good person but that doesn't mean I should put others ahead of myself. if I don't mean anything to him, then I shouldn't have to run after him.

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you know what would be a really big comfort

knowing that people can still like me even if I'm unattractive 

I've accepted everything

I'm good with me

I just want to know that there will be a select few out there who will still be attracted to me regardless.

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don't you love how no one sees you as a person who can have sexual desires

yeah it's cool

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okaaaay. quick backup plan before I get sadder

- study a bit of latin what is that even like endings     - endings     - noun endings     - prepositions     - vocab     - JUST THE CHART

- OKAY I got this

- get some food get a grilled cheese sandwich OH OH get that and then get icecream

aaaalright

and

um

watch mad men or the office! or yeah okay go do that

oh shit spanish

okay add that before latin, do it quickly OKAY GO

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I miss her I miss her I miss her

I miss her.

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I feel so strange

strange and sick

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and angry

and angry some more

no more plans for me

just, no.

the only person I'm interested in seeing anymore is shawna and we'll do that whenever.

I give up on everyone else and not even in a pity-self kind of way

I don't need people who don't want to spend time with me :/

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shut the fuck up

honestly

way to undermine my efforts

there's this religious necklace thing that I have to wear all the time

for protection or whatever

which is fine but EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I'M IN A BAD MOOD, MY PARENTS ARE LIKE "oh why aren't you wearing your necklace"

no 

just no

let's get something straight

I got better because I worked my ass off

not because of some locket

I believe in God and he helped me through it

but the necklace didn't do half as much as I did

I would know how hard I work to keep my mood level, okay

so don't undermine my efforts using some religious excuse

just don't

and don't use your mom card

"when you're a mother, you'll understand"

NO SHUT UP

YOU DIDN'T GET SHIT

YOU ONLY RECENTLY STARTED TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND THAT'S ONLY TEMPORARY AND I KNOW THAT

SO DON'T GO THINKING YOU'RE THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT

UGH FUCKING FUCK

FUCK

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

everything is good until you come along and say things to me

hey you know what else

I told my dad

I TOLD HIM EXPLICITLY

to stop commenting on my appearance

I'll give you one guess as to whether he listened to me

oh

oh

NO

NO HE DID NOT

AND I FELT LIKE SHIT YESTERDAY AND HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME AND HE TOOK MY FACE IN HIS HANDS AND HE WAS LIKE "YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT SAMREEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT"

THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH

THANK YOU.

I felt like cutting and throwing up and killing myself

so thank you for that

and I GOT OVER IT

WITHOUT THE NECKLACE

YOU KNOW WHO HELPED

MY FRIENDS

THANKS FOR NOTHING, DEAR MOTHER AND FATHER

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

.

I'm done.

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I was going through unf summaries and I found this

and you did love me throughout everything

and it was only that that got me through

thank you for not leaving me when things got tough

when I got tough

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I feel like the worst person alive.

I'm scared of my own brutality. That's not even an exaggeration.

Whose heart have I not broken?

Why do I hate a defenceless kid who has done nothing but try to please me his entire life?

I don't even know who I am anymore.

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I feel like such a spare.　

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she posted this with the tags "true as fuck"

. . .

that is not my problem

I apologize for being a bitch right now but you have brought me to this level

wtf are you going to do in the real world

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hey

fuck off

seriously

I do not want to talk to you

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This is the moment that you know That you told her that you loved her but you don't.　

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SHUT UuUuUuUuUuP

oh

my

god

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I think I am

I have?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder

everything applies like right down to the word:

- low self-esteem

- unstable self-image

- impulsive behaviour

- unsure of own identity

- losing their sense of reality (feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body)

- viewing people/situations in extremes

- having a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder 

- having a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others

- having recurring self-harming/suicidal thoughts

- repeated acts of self-injury

- having frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two

- having long-term feelings of emptiness and boredom

- having an intolerance of being alone

- having inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger

but idk so I wanna be diagnosed properly

oh it says depression and panic attacks happen often with people who have borderline.. how are we supposed to distinguish?

unrelated (I guess)

I'm becoming more and more of an introvert

and I don't like my brothers' friends coming over at all

it's my house too and I want to walk about freely without worrying about random people looking at me/talking to me

I want alone time omg so much 

which is why I stay in sometimes, it's so therapeutic, I can't even explain how much it helps me to stay away from people sometimes

there are a handful of people

no, not even

there is literally one person on this planet who I wouldn't mind being with for any amount of time

just because she gets me so perfectly and we don't have awkward silences and I've never wanted to be away from her

but I need a break from everyone else most of the time

I'm really really hoping I can get that in university

I really really want that. It's the only way I can see me getting better

oh gosh one more thing

I want everyone around me to understand that I'm super sensitive to negativity or sudden actions

like my mom just starts talking about this stuff in front of my brothers and she means well

but I get so stressed out and I just want to recoil into myself and never talk to anyone

can't people just think before they talk? ugugugugugugugh but that's stupid because I should learn to take things as they come

I know I can do it alone, I just need someone to support me and push me to do it

but not like my mom 

her way of pushing me is like "smile, c'mon OMG WHY ARE YOU NOT SMILING SMILE"

:/

push me gently okay

too much to ask for from these learned professionals who should know what they're dealing with? 

sigh.