unexpected-life

[unexpected-life]

When you're a big guy, people treat you different. I have been a big guy my whole life and have always had people judge me at first glance. I learned to deal with it the best I could, but when it was my own friends I started seeing it with, that was new. Two of my friends lost a lot of weight and kind of forgot about me. I started seeing posts about them hanging out and never invited me to go. I'm not the kind of person that needs to be invited to everything, but they have not reached out to me in months and I finally gave up trying to keep contact on my end. On the issue of my weight, I wish it were as simple as people telling to "just lose weight". I wish my physical presence wasn't the first thing humans judged.

[unexpected-life]

Been having a real bad go of it lately. Letting your thoughts attack you is one of the worst things you can do and it is a daily battle for me. Good news is I am motivated to make changes. Weight has been a struggle my entire life, I am resolved to change this going forward. It will not be easy, I have been here before but I don't have a choice anymore if I would like to live a long healthy life. I need constant reminders to stay on track, this means changing scenery and getting rid of anything that would hinder me. One change that really is helping, is changing my phone wallpaper to someone who is incredibly inspiring, Ryo Kawakita. Ryo Kawakita is the guitarist for Maximum The Hormone and made an amazing transformation. The respect I have for this guy for his dedication to his music and health, I cannot say enough.

[unexpected-life]

Over the past 4 years I have really changed a lot in my life. I went back to school, acquired certifications, and obtained a job that pays well. I've also been able to take care of my folks, and start really helping others out. I have made the changes that I really wanted, and thought I needed. Lately I have been thinking that even though I have made these changes, and I am happy with them, I am not generally happy; I'm not sure what it is but I keep thinking to myself that there's something missing. though this change, in this job, in this career path, are recent in comparison to everything, l feel like I'm going the wrong direction. I feel like there's something else I should be doing, and I'm not sure what that is or if that even has anything to do with what I already am doing. Maybe it's something I need to add to what I am already doing, but I don't know what it is. We often romanticize the past looking at it with rose colored glasses, and I'm no exception to this. Even as little as 2 years ago, I think back on wishing things were like they were then; two years ago things were not much different from how they are now. I have had a promotion since then, and although the job is tough, I don't hate it. Thinking back then to that 2 years ago, I was having panic attacks, so why look back on that time and romanticize it? Why think it's any better than it is now? I don't know. Although we cannot go back, we can change what we do going forward. Problem is, I don't know what to do.

[unexpected-life]

I manage a facility that needs 24/7 support. Over the past week I have had to cover the grave shift due to being short handed and a call-out. In a previous job I did work a grave shift, but it's been so long I have forgotten what it was like.

Working a grave shift is like being in an isolation chamber if it is not with a team. You see the day time but it is in the morning when most are going to work, this means you have little human interaction. This past week has really made me appreciate my grave team.

[unexpected-life]

I have never used this platform before, so this start is going to be rough. I recently lost a close friend and it has made me start looking at life differently. At 31 not being necessarily "old" I definitely feel I have past my time to change course. I was listening to a podcast where they were talking about how much they love what they do for work; these guys had no clue what it's like to work a regular 9 to 5. With the passing of my friend and listening to this podcast, it has made me realize that I do not want to spend the rest of my life not pursuing something I love. This blog will not only chronicle my journey from here but also serve as a way to get my thoughts out.