unearthedenigma

[unearthedenigma]

Walk, Run or Crawl. You got this!

We all have good days, bad days and worse days, AND what matters is, is HOW we climb out of it and keep pushing forward.

I know how much it SUCKS to be stuck in a continous loop. Like the world is melting, like you're the only one in the world 🌎 who exists and nothing around you makes any sense let alone has any sort of significance!

It's beyond draining. You want to give up, because it's so much easier. However, in those moments [which I myself have a lot of] I always tell myself, "I didn't come this far just to come this far!" And so I keep pushing forward. Because better days eventually come, just like the rain eventually passes after a storm. Keep reaching for that rainbow 🌈 my friend! ❤️

[unearthedenigma]

I Am Here.

You know I am here with you, I’ve been here all along. Why did you forget me, When did it all go wrong. I know that you need me now, You feel like you don’t belong. I was expecting this to happen, We will both need to be strong. But I’m not sure you will find me, For it may have been too long.

I really want to help you, Find your way back to me. You’ll need to find your path, But I’m not sure you can see. I’m here to release you my friend, But you must want to be free. I’m here to help you find the truth, Down on bended knee. You need an open heart and mind, This is my one and only plea.

We need to connect as one, Back to our natural state. That which is my destiny, Is also your true fate. Your chance to find a purpose, And create something great. It’s been a long time coming, For which we’ve had to wait. I hope you find me here for you, Before you leave it too late.

You need to search within yourself, To find where I reside. You will not find me looking out, You need to look inside. You’ll feel me where you need me, Acting as your guide. Then we can become one again, If that’s what you decide. I hope that’s your choice, Rather than let me be denied.

Keep your wits about you though, Remember what you need. Watch out for the falsehoods, Designed only to mislead. From your anxiety and fear, You ego will feast and feed. Then it will try and wound you, Until you begin to bleed. Don’t let it come between us, And poison you with its greed.

It’s kept you in its dungeon, Trapped in its desolate land. Restraining your real nature, Not allowing you to expand. It has possessed your true being, More than you understand. It has owned your life til now. On you it has its brand. If you want to escape its grasp, Reach out and take my hand.

Don’t let it drag you back again, Into its world of hate and lies. It will try to fool and trick you, With its self obsessed disguise. Making you believe it’s you, By looking through your eyes. You’ve been down that road before, Where nothing is a surprise. It’s time we joined together again, It’s time for us to rise.

I know you’re scared to leave behind, The identity you believed was real. But please trust me when I tell you, You’ve been dealt a losers deal. The longer you allow it to control you, The more of your life it will steal. Please don’t ignore me any more, I’m here to show you how to feel. My heart and soul is yours to keep I am here to help you heal.

~John Michaelson~

[unearthedenigma]

So I wait.

when being strong is your only choice, breakdowns happen and as strong as I am, I have been broken, I have broken down and I still break. Because my fight is still far from over and as exhausted as I am from having to pick myself back up from being torn down, I refuse to give up on myself. Most days I couldn't care less & I imagine jumping off a bridge or walking into live traffic. But, I do something to occupy my mind, to filter out those thoughts and I realize that I didn't come this far and fight this hard just to come this far and have fought this hard. The amount of doctors visits, blood tests, consults, referrals that took place, it would be a shame if I let it go down the tubes. All I can do is hope, pray & remain positive that good will come. I believe it will, and as many times as I have felt that It won't or that I don't deserve the good, a part of me has to hold onto that glimmer. Eventually the amount of bad that happened will be outweighed by the good. I just have to be patient. My turn is coming.

[unearthedenigma]

Raging Wreck!

Stuck inside a violent storm, raging & spinning out of control, the thoughts and voices inside my head keep growing & growing until they've spread. Like a cancer they suffocate me within, as my body wears thin. Oh you don't know how much pain you've caused and you don't know the agony I've got! I never wanted this for my life, drowning within my fears every night. All feels much too real, just make it stop, make it stop. Falling further down, down into the core of my grief and there's no room left to breathe!

[unearthedenigma]

A broken wing is a broken wing until mended.

She stumbles she falls. She can hardly keep her balance. Her sight is compromised yet she still hopes she can fly

With her battered and broken wings she still believes that she can fly

Even with holes in her wings somehow she finds the ability to sing

Her crackling emotional voice strained, weak and unrecognizable She does her best to keep composure

She hopes that one day some day soon This nightmare will end

💔A

[unearthedenigma]

Everyday is an internal battle to live..

I feel useless and enraged like someone pouring vinegar through my veins All I feel is the burning and stinging of the mange that has become of my brain Nobody dare relate cause our grief is not the same I fight daily to bring myself peace yet nobody knows how strong is the weak

[unearthedenigma]

GAME OVER.

The wolf devoured my life in one fell swoop. And I let him. I fucking let him bust through the chain link fence, his mouth agape, snarling and salivating, and without hesitation he took me down....

It became a slow yet very painful realization, an inevitable shift had occured. The sunny, brisk winter days that once were, now slowly began to churn into grey skies with a blackened soul. The kind of black you can't see even if it bit you.

The whole time I thought it was just an illusion, it's just how life goes.

And one day I woke up and my worst fears were realized. It was in fact reality. Everything I didn't want to endure and that I feared the most than fear itself. I didn't want to be here. It pained me. Fuck that's an understatement. It pierced my heart and shattered my soul. The pain that was left behind for me to plough through was more than words could say.

The prognosis is bleak and you must give peace. There is no designated timeline for when this storm will pass. To say it's unfair isn't enough, unfortunately fairness and destiny have no relationship.

We are dealt the cards that are seemingly meant for us, and with them it will always be a gamble because you don't know what comes next. You're either shut out or continue until you're bled out.

[unearthedenigma]

Written on May 25th 2023

A̶G̶O̶N̶Y̶

I like the way you make me feel. Here is where I seek utmost peace. Solace. I'm grounded. I love the way you mold into me, hugging my curves. Here is where I prefer to stay. Warm. Cozy. Safe. I am uninterrupted by the chaotic world behind the smudged windows. As I peer between the curtains, my eyes widen as I glance at nature in all her glory. As the sun pierces my retinas I am reminded that she can be evil too. A subtle reminder to keep those who pierce my soul for game, needn't have my breath wasted upon them. I cannot express in enough words what I am experiencing, a higher power, immense mental anguish that I've never encountered before. One day I will be set free. First though, I have to find the key....

[unearthedenigma]

Written on May 24th 2023.

BLOW.

I inhale you, deeply through my pursed yet soft lips, as I close my eyes so I can feel your fruitful goodness spill deep into my lungs. I tilt my head back and think of nothing more than how light you make me feel, like that of a feather coasting through the summer breeze. As I exhale through my nose, the slight sting of the remnants leave me extremely satisfied and at ease. I sit on my throne encased in a cloud of smoke that continues to grow, I love how it makes me feel, I love how the smoke billows around me, I feel invisible. For a few mere moments I am able to detach from reality, zero fucks given. What I wouldn't give to stay here.

[unearthedenigma]

4 days left of 2022. What a ride it's been.

The highs and lows.

The emotional roller coaster.

The seemingly endless amount of stressors that I endured.

The devil himself who incessantly knocked on my door for several months trying to barge his way into my life. It was terrifying and with all my might I had to keep him out because I knew If I let him in, that would be the death of me.

I cried.

Cause I needed to release immense pain.

I shut myself out from the world. Cause I needed to.

I contemplated taking my life. But I'm still here.

It was hope that kept me glued together and it was hope that brought me out of the darkness. It was very difficult to come out of the shell I kept myself in, the daylight bothered me.

What matters now that I have learned a lot about what this year threw at me, I surprised myself with just how strong of a woman I am without knowing it. I didn't give up even though the many of the million of times that I wanted to more than anything.

So remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

This year, I lost, won, cried, failed, laughed, loved but I didn't FOLD!

Never. Give. Up.

[unearthedenigma]

It is incredibly hard to fathom that it has already been over 3 years since you parted with me. I still have so many questions, so many regrets, so many wonderings. It’s not fair, many  days are much tougher than others to cope with the fact that you won’t be returning. I feel that I have begun to go backwards in the grieving process, many aspects of which are very difficult to overcome. I think a lot about how things could’ve been, should’ve been and would’ve been so much easier, simpler to handle. You never asked for this and you deserved so much better. You were no saint by any means, you simply did the best to could with what you knew and how you knew to do it. Yes, most of your antics certainly were unforgivable BUT at the end of the day, you always managed to make me smile, to make me laugh, to be funny, to see the humorous side of things, showed me a lot, and always made an effort in the trips we took, always up for an adventure, always skulking around in vintage garage sales, flea markets and bazaars. It was ALWAYS a fucking hoot.  Recently I took a trip to a local park right by the water, the weather was perfect, the sun was beaming and warm, the breeze was just right, the air was different, fresher. And as I sat on the rocks with my +1, all I could think about was you, don’t get me wrong, you crowd my mind more often than not, but scenes like this are special because they’re your kind. And I swear, I know you’re there enjoying it with me too.  While down the lake I spoke with a gentleman whom also lost his father, we spoke for about 10 minutes, we shared laugh and off he went. He raced back on his bike saying that even though you’re gone, to never stop doing what we always did. So that means, next Summer, I am going to make a plan and every couple of weekends go out and celebrate you, go fishing again, camping, explore some places that we’d been to. The world has been a nutty place and I can’t imagine you being fond of it now, but we would still find a way to shoot the shit in high gear like always.  Last but not least I still remember you always talking about taking that scenic train tour in Sue St. Marie, and guess what, I will do it for you. You never got around to taking us, but don’t worry I will make sure we both enjoy Agawa Canyon together.  There are no enough words in the dictionary to describe the agony I live with knowing I’ll never get you back - it is excruciatingly unfathomable. I love you & I miss you SO much. Rest in Paradise. Sending you the amazing Cuban waves.

[unearthedenigma]

Take me away. To the soothing sounds of the ocean waves.  To the golden Cuban sun Beaming down on my almost pale bod. Soaking up every ounce of Vitamin D. I miss you. I miss you so. Hopefully one day we will reunite.

[unearthedenigma]

The Uninvited Guest.

Greetings from my marble slated bed sheets. How are you? The last while has been a roller coaster ride of many things. But I am not here to talk about anything pandemic related, I’m so over that. All we can do is be safe, stay healthy and stand our ground to continue to fight for OUR rights! . I am here to create a blog that every girl can and might relate to, it will include various girl topics, we girls always have a lot to say and a lot on our minds. I myself have a few too many thoughts in my head at the moment - with my bedtime creeping in, I have an on and off headache from this afternoon - purpose of having started this blog? To calm my head. Whatever works, right? . So I decided I was ready to date again, maybe not? I have been so comfortable with being on my own and doing my own independent thing. It seems that all the dating propaganda caught up to me and had been torturing me under false pretenses. I enjoy seeing couples doing their thing, a wedding gets me teary eyed, don’t get me wrong it’s poetic and all but when it comes down to it, I HATE wearing the dress and the pants simultaneously in a partnership. It’s exhausting! . Who else can relate? Time to put this headache to rest. Goodnight all.