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[unboundliz]

Yesterday, I watched Cash enjoy solid food for the first time. Without hang ups or fear. Seeing this exciting moment, and having recently applied for a position with an eating disorder treatment and advocacy organization, has me reflecting a lot on my own eating disorder past and present.

First, I recognize and feel proud of the fact that I have come so far in my behaviors! As a bulimic twenty-something, I lived in fear of every food that entered my body. So much fear that I threw up after almost every meal to feel safe and in control. My binges would be huge in proportion, sometimes an entire cake or pizza in one sitting. Always followed by ice cream or copious amounts of milk, which made the vomiting afterward easier. My bathroom walls were constantly spattered with vomit, which was how my mom could tell I was still active in my disorder.

Today, at just shy of 4 months post partum, I am recognizing that I still have a ways to go to complete remission of my eating disorder. although my behaviors are greatly improved ( I never purge and my binges are minuscule in comparison to what they used to be), I still have diminished feelings of self worth associated with the size of my body, and I still eat for comfort, especially in the evenings, the most anxious time of the day for me.

Every day my iPhone compiles pictures from my past for me to nostalgically peruse. While this is generally an activity that brings me joy because I have a lot of pictures of my most treasured peeps that I get to see and remember, I also dread these slide shows. This is because there are many pictures of me in my active eating disorder, looking thinner and therefore what my disordered mind still considers to be more beautiful that I currently am.

I also have been more exhausted from breastfeeding and am having a tougher, lengthier post partum recovery this time around. With diminished energy stores, and a diastasis, exercising as much as I’m Used to has just not been possible, and that has lead me to further diminished feelings of self worth.

I am ready, and am humbly praying for this affliction to be lifted from my shoulders. I want to live in true freedom from it. While on this journey, I want to remain as honest as possible about my mindscape. This honesty helps me twofold. I find that when I call something by its name, out loud, it loses its power a little bit each time. Also, I often find that when I share my struggles here, so many of you express having similar issues, and knowing that we are not alone always eases some of the burden.

I am going to find a therapist to work with on this issue, read a book about eating disorder that has been sitting on my shelf, write a gratitude list about my life and about myself in the morning and at night after dinner, and meditate once a day to support myself in my endeavor to let go of these unhealthy thought patterns. I will also stay away from the scale, not “body check” myself in mirrors and windows, and commit to wearing what feels comfortable without trying to hide my body shape. I will continue to eat appropriately portioned meals 3x/day with all of food groups present, have an afternoon snack, and a dessert after dinner:) I will exercise 5 days per week 3 days cardio and 2 days strength, and on days that I feel too tired, I will walk the fi dog and practice some restorative yoga/stretching.

The last thing I want to share, For all of us that struggle with disordered eating behaviors and/or thoughts is that it’s not our fault! Genetics, social/societal pressures, changes in the food industry, and learned behavior patterns all have a hand in this eating disorder epidemic that we face today, and there’s a lot of research and treatment development yet to be done to eradicate it. For now, I will do my best to be healthier and freer everyday through whatever medicines i can employ. I’ll look forward to coming here to share and contribute to easing our collective burden, and to the joy felt in joining our hands and hearts in authentic, messy humanity ❤️❤️❤️

[unboundliz]

I feel like my relationship with exercise and fitness is coming full circle.

If I am going to use this thing called social media, I want it to be a vehicle of truth. A way to unveil to those I love and respect, but don't necessarily speak with on a daily basis. This is why I don't post every day, and I don't post much "fluffy" content. Not that fluff is bad! I want so much more fluff in my life, and I am getting there. But what I really find worthy of sharing with you all right now is all of the raw vulnerability that I have been unable to shed thus far in life. Now that I am getting older, it seems that I finally give few enough shits to illuminate it.

I am recovering slower than I would like to from the birth of my son. When I posted frequently on social media before, it was all fitness related, at a time when all of that came very easily to me. I was more of what I thought an "ideal" woman looked like, and I was needy for approval and attention, therefore I posted frequent workout selfies and yoga videos. I have shame and regret about my past social media behavior, and I want to personally apologize if I ever made anyone feel like they could not share themselves here because they did not look or act a certain way. I contributed to a vehicle of self hatred for my fellow sisters, and I want to spend the remainder of my days fighting against it, in whatever ways possible. That does not mean that I don't love to workout! Exercise is a mainstay of my mental health! And it gives me focus and purpose to work toward having an optimally healthy body, mind, and spirit. That just looks different for me today than it did back in 2019.

I was really depressed and sick at the end of my pregnancy and for about 3 months I did little to nothing to remain active, (which is fine if that is what is needed to care for yourself!), but it did contribute to a more exaggerated diastasis recti (abdominal separation) than I experienced with my first son. This has made coming back into an enjoyable fulfilling movement routine harder than I would like. I'm also holding onto a little bit more weight after this second pregnancy, and I am doing a lot of praying to let all of those expectations go because that is feeding into what our current economic monster model is counting on, that I will hate myself for who I am and buy a lot of products and services to change it.

Anyways, I have started doing targeted exercise to heal my diastasis, and it has reinvigorated my passion for learning about the body, and sharing with others. Specifically moms! I have decided to finish my personal training certification and focus on helping mothers of all ages, to find movement that is appropriate, enjoyable, and fulfilling for them. Every mom deserves to have something that is hers! With your own personal optimal fitness level, you can go anywhere and adventure! Hike, bike, run, swim, dance! All of the activities of freedom that you can think of! And I know personally that I need to feel like there is something that is mine and mine alone to be able to effectively go through the incredible amount of self sacrifice it takes to be a mother and wife.

I am so grateful to be a mother and wife, but I need to celebrate my own person and feel like a success in my own right as well. This is one of the ways that I am going to do that, and I am so looking forward to working with other moms and caregivers who also envision having this kind of self empowerment. Fitness does not have to be a cog in the self hatred machine. its a way to free yourself and do whatever you dream to do! I'll keep you all posted on my progress, and I can't wait to see all of you out on the trail of freedom.

[unboundliz]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this year, age 35.

A late bloomer I am not, but a late realizer I surely am.

The most marked aspect of my manifestation of this disease is the lengthy, debilitating depressions. the latest one lasted about 2 years, with a brief interlude into hypomania, which began with and was exacerbated by the excitement and upheaval of a new job, and the misuse of adderol and cannabis. This was not the only depressive period that I have lived through by a long shot. I remember telling counselors at a rehab that I spent a whole 6 month period sleeping and hiding in my dorm room my freshman year of college, resulting in my failing all but one of my classes for the entire year, and none of us put two and two together to recognize that this was a bipolar depression.

The second most marked aspect of my specific brand of bipolarity has been the unmanageability of my life. I spent a 5 year period in substance abuse recovery, where unmanageability is discussed a lot, when I was in my early twenties. I thought that my sole problem was substances, especially since I had started experimenting with drugs at age 13, and quickly formed habits with cannabis and tobacco. I knew in some way that I was using the substances to solve my problems, and they were not the problem themselves from my lessons in recovery. But because I did not know I was bipolar, I continued to struggle, even in sobriety, with turbulent mood swings, and erratic impulsive behavior around spending, career life, and diet and exercise. My impulsivity created a lot of financial, health, and relationships consequences and instability for me, and I felt completely puzzled as to how to live in this world. There has always been a strong voice that tells me that there has to be a better way and that I’ll find it, but that is all that kept me from trying to end my life many times. Sobriety is a big part of my health and wellness now, don’t get me wrong, But knowing that its really because any major or minor energy shifts are detrimental to me has helped me to remain committed to living a substance free life without regret or envy of others.

The third piece of my bipolar puzzle is the periods of hypomania. An elated state that I have felt many times. When I was a teenager, I thought that I was simply a very passionate person. When I discussed matters of war, world peace, politics, religions, really anything that I had an opinion about, I would get incredibly impassioned, often deterring others from even participating in the conversation. I could feel incredibly intense energy build up inside of me, to the point where I have taken long cessation periods from watching the news at all because it is too intense for me. Money and career life create this same elevated state in me. When I start a new job or begin a new career, I feel on fire, like I could conquer the world. I work at a lightning fast pace and feel excited about bringing my company and myself to new fantastic heights. Even health and diet are issues that can bring me into a state of hypomania. If I start a restrictive diet or exercise regimen, I take it to the extreme right away, not allowing myself to deviate at all, often spending money I do not have to keep it up. Unfortunately what goes up must come down, and each time that I go into this state, a period of depression occurs. I quit my job or get fired, Or wallow in sedentary lifestyle and feel stuck and trapped by my own lack of ability.

I am so relieved to now know that this was all due to a chemical imbalance that I have probably always had. It has finally given me a course of action to keep myself well. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I honestly feel gratitude for the knowledge. It has allowed me to forgive myself, finally, for past behaviors that I felt I could not control.

Today, moderate diet and exercise, supplementation, connection and support, and regular medical treatment are the tenants of my wellness. I finally feel like my life is my own, and I won’t behave in ways that I cannot control.

My hope, as always, is that this helps others in whatever way they need. Especially those that have these types of confounding patterns in their lives.

My heart goes out to all of you, and I thank you for listening. It keeps my candle lit, knowing that you are all here with me. Best and brightest❤️❤️❤️

[unboundliz]

I have bipolar disorder, and I am one of the lucky ones. It feels strange to type that because I certainly Don't FEEL lucky most of the time. My emotions are incredibly hard to contend with on a moment to moment basis. There’s a lightning quick chain reaction of them that occurs with each eventful moment. This morning I woke up and immediately became COMPLETELY CONSUMED by the fact that my husband did not put down the toilet seat lid. I felt personally affronted...still do honestly. Like he doesn’t care about me at all, and that's why he left the lid up. ‘If he cared even a little, he would definitely take a moment to put it down’ and forceful anger energizes me. ‘No one will ever care about me, and I will always be alone’ is the next thought, and I feel hopeless depression dragging me down to the depths. Then I'm oozing with guilt and shame for feeling upset with my sweet husband, who does nothing but love me even though ‘I don’t deserve it’. Next up is ‘he will definitely leave me because of my uncontrollable emotions’ a moment of heart pounding, cortisol filled stress response from the fear of abandonment. Then there’s the part of me that feels like ‘I should be able to control my feelings better now because I know what is wrong with me’, bringing even more shame, leaving me to feel an unbearable ache, like I’m picking at an enormous internal infected wound.

This is just a small taste of what happens every day, every moment sometimes, for me as a person that has bipolar disorder. I say that I am one of the lucky ones because my case of the disease is not considered severe, and I certainly agree that compared to others that I have known and know of, my symptoms are relatively manageable. I am currently not prescribed any special medications for this disease, although after I finish breastfeeding I will be starting on a microdose of lithium. I take lots of supplements, have a psychiatrist that I follow up with regularly, and a support system that consists mainly of my mother and my husband. I know that I could reach out and talk to a few others, but those are the two peeps that are there for me 24/7.

The parallels in all of our lives are starting to astound me once again. Feeling the connectedness of us all through events that happen is soothing, and affirming of my place in this universe. For example: Yesterday I watched a Netflix documentary about Elisa Lam and the Cecil Hotel in Hollywood, CA. Elisa tragically died in the water tank on the roof of the infamous hotel. Her last appearance was on a video tape in the elevator of the hotel where she acted very strange, almost possessed, and distressed for sure, as if she was trying to get away from someone. The internet went wild with speculations about who murdered this poor girl, but in the end, when the toxicology report came back, it appeared that she had extremely low levels of her prescribed antipsychotic and mood stabilizing medications in her system, too low for the dosage she was supposed to be taking. Interviews with her family revealed that she was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and had had multiple psychotic breaks in the past that included hallucinations and paranoid delusions.

I had heard of Elisa Lam before, when recreationally researching ghost stories and tales of possession on the internet. The video of her in the elevator really did look like some sort of possession and it fascinated me for a minute, before I was onto the next auto feed, ghost hunter youtube video. I never, in a million years, expected that she had bipolar and was delusional because she had elected to stop taking her medication, a commonality for many people with this disease.

This world is full of people with bipolar and other mood disorders. I feel so utterly alone and flawed often, but when I open my eyes, I am confronted with people that have struggles that parallel and/or surpass mine constantly. I don't know if, in my desperately emotional moments, I will ever be able to realize the truth, that I am not alone, but it is reassuring that every time I exit an extreme state of agitation or depression, the world is once again with me. I am not the only one that suffers with this, not by a long shot.

To all my fellows that are in the grips of this disorder, I send you my love, and I thank you for each time that you share what is inside of you. For whatever reason, not feeling alone is some of the best medicine out there for me, and I would wager for many others as well. xoxoxo