ultraxheal

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who am i to be so greedy? who am i now?

how long do i think i can hold on to all the ways you did me wrong?

what did you want me to be a part of?

was that consensual?

will you hear this song? will you say i'm wrong?

what do you see when you look through me? who am i to you? what do you want me to do?

on any other day would would i have found the strength to push you away?

do i have to fight my history?

how stupid can a girl be?

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but i know you couldn't see how i tried/ you're just a man, you don't know what it's like

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i'm outnumbered by your power/ i get drafted every hour/ into your version of reality/ i forgot you're you and i am me

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my god, how long/ did i think i could hold on?

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fucked up on half an adderall/ i guess i’m normal after all

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if cutting off my fingers would make you see me i'd gladly take a knife to em all

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it's funny - when i wrote ultra heal i was really thinking about it as charting the healing process or whatever, and on some level viewing it as necessary to that process, so that when i released it on some level i was thinking it might be a solid bookend to a period of my life.

and yet the new album comes out of that feeling of thinking that i'd had closure, and finding it was just a mirage. all the things i was struggling with just came back stronger, somehow, and for all that i thought the first album would heal me it might have just made the wounds more raw.

i don't know where i go from here. both of these albums feel so emotionally draining, and i don't think i want to pour my heart out in such a narrative way in the future. i'll always put myself into my work but i'd like to just play with sound and texture and structure, and not think about explicit storytelling for a while. it feels like trying to narrativize where i am right now is a losing game; not enough has changed for me, even though the world is very different now. honestly, i feel like i'm moving backwards.

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Dungeon Exploring ‘The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past’ Super Nintendo

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Spirit of Excalibur (Atari ST), 1990.

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thinking about how love in pop music is such a capacious concept. it’s not just romantic love, it’s love for your family, friends, community, work, god, country, lineage. it’s massive and it’s vulnerable and it’s manipulated, and it’s strong

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Compute, 1994

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Roger Dean