uaklauslovesdave

[uaklauslovesdave]

The Hargreeves siblings + turning-point quotes

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i’m drinking love my mutuals juice today and every day

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THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY S02 —  feat. the blame game

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A Bundt Cake Reveals Hidden Bigfoot When Sliced

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I thought that love was in the drugs but the more I took, the more it took away and I could never get enough.

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Congratulations!

For what?

Allison being a supportive, adorable and drunk sister 🥰

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Look, you wanna be Number One, fine, but you’re gonna have to get us on the same page, because right now, we’re all over the place.

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You think anyone in the commission placed bets on how long they thought Five would survive

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*forms a rat king with my mutuals*

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Vanya looked so cute in a ponytail so I just had to draw it

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› an ode to NUMBER FIVE and the grief he carries.

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when f. scott fitzgerald said “i am really only myself when I’m somebody else“ and when octavio paz said “i am the other when I am myself, my acts are more my own when they are everybody's”

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i’ve moved further than i thought i could but i missed you more than i thought i would

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me 🤝 klaus

caring way too much

about david joseph katz

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ladies if your man is kind, strong, vulnerable, and beautiful... beautiful, that’s not your man that’s dave katz

[uaklauslovesdave]

I debated with myself about whether or not I wanted to write this. I’m not very good at sharing about myself with other people, not about things that matter. But I decided that I wanted to do it. To share my grief with strangers on the internet. It’s not much, but it’s something.

My father died last Tuesday. It was unexpected. He was 59. He died in the garage. He was alone. When my mother found him he was already dead.

She called me that afternoon. I missed her call because I was talking to my psychiatrist. I called her back and was greeted by her sobbing. He’s gone, she said.

I felt numb. I felt disconnected. I left work in a daze. I drove home in a daze. I stuffed a bag with dirty clothes because I hadn’t done laundry in weeks. I drove for hours to the house where I grew up. I hadn’t been there since last year.

I tried to remember the last time I spoke with my father. I couldn’t remember. I tried to remember the last time I saw my father. It was at my grandfather’s funeral. I hadn’t known then that the next time I saw him it would be at his funeral. That he would be dead.

I spent the next week in my childhood home, with my mother and my two brothers. I hadn’t spent that much time in that house in nearly a decade. I slept in my childhood bedroom on a twin bed. I painted the walls of that room red when I was 18. My father helped.

The first night I could hear my younger brother yelling for our father through our shared wall. I didn’t want our older brother or mother to hear him. They would be upset. I went into his room, layed next to him in his bed for hours. Tried to think of a way to explain to him that our father is dead and that means he won’t be coming back. My younger brother is 24. He is autistic. He has a cognitive disability. I struggled to explain death in a concrete way. I don’t believe in God and I don’t believe in the afterlife but I told my brother our father went to heaven. He asked me what is heaven and he asked me where is heaven. I didn’t know how to explain it. I asked him if he wanted to Google it. He did. That helped.

My father’s funeral was on Monday. When I saw his body lying in the rented casket I thought that he didn’t look like I remembered. The last time I saw him he was alive. Now his skin was waxy and his mouth and eyes were sewn shut. Now his body was cold and stiff like concrete.

My father and I had a complicated relationship. We were very different people. I looked at his body and I thought I’m sorry we never knew how to properly love each other. I spent the last decade distancing myself from him and the rest of my family. It was what I needed. He didn’t really know me in the end. Some small hopeful part of me wondered if maybe one day we could reconcile. Maybe one day I would feel safe enough to tell him everything. It never happened. It never will now.