twohaikutransformerstoyreviews

[twohaikutransformerstoyreviews]

"Desist!"

Sketch commissions for Muki on X

[twohaikutransformerstoyreviews]

Legacy Core Class Bomb-burst (2022)

Inspiration. Inspiration strikes me like lightning struck the kite of Benjamin Franklin. In all honesty, I had no idea where to go from my first review. More Beast Wars seemed like the logical step forward. Sure. I'll do Beast Wars Megatron. That'll be a pleasing continuation of my review format. A classic for sure. But no. As firmly as the mind relays its strategies and draws its plans, if the heart will not obey, then it shall not be done. So here I sit, languishing, twiddling with Legacy core class Bomb-Burst. Suddenly I feel a sharp emotion. A nagging feeling. Something writhing and churning inside calling out to me. It tells me to speak. To write. To scream as loud as I can from rooftops. To voice my annoyance, my misgivings, against such a small thing. Such a furtive collection of heavily processed oils, organised, engineered into Legacy Bomb-Burst. Scream I shall. Or rather more accurately; whine.

Robot Mode.

We begin in Robot Mode, my dear audience member simply because it annoys me the least. In fact, I sort of find it cool. The colours are wonderful. The bubblegum blue and deep magenta really make this figure pop, detracting from the otherwise rather boring white and greys that make up most of the arms, legs and head. The head is quite cool indeed, sort of freakish, with the big floopy bat ears and small, pugish snout. His jaw is oddly well defined. Paired with the exceptionally wide torso, this gives him a rather muscular physique. It's impossible for me not to adore the head. The inside of the mouth is painted for Christ's sake. The attention to detail is amazing.

But don't you feel like there's something missing? I can't help but miss the chubbier, rounder aesthetic of the G1 figure. He looks daft with his lack of neck skinny forearms and Donnie-Darko meets Man-Bat countenance. In the designer's attempt to modernise this heftier He-Man adjacent maladroit half-wit (and to better merge him with his inner robot design) they seem to have stripped him of a large part of his personality. How do you make an uncanny half bat half mechanoid ultimately forgettable? His hairlessness in comparison to his G1 counterpart makes it seem as though he's some generic gym-bot who bought a decently impressive freaky bat mask from Smiffy's, only for an excuse to crash a costume-only halloween fraternity party. It feels like a token attempt to appear 1/8th of the freak he was in 1988. That was me just explaining my extended metaphor. I am only left to ask; who are you anymore, man? Don't respond. It was a rhetorical question.

Alt Mode.

This is where my previous comments about an overall lack of identity ring especially true. If you could not see before, then youd have to be instantaneously struck blind not to see it now. This alternate mode would be rather bemusingly bland, were it not for the fact that his arms do not tab into place. When the tiniest amount of movement is inflicted on his wobbly little arms, his desperately unconvincing attempt at a vtol shatters into pieces. Not literally. Well, yes literally, since his wings come off because of partsforming.

Overall.

What else is there to say, really? It's not very good. I'd advise you to keep it in robot mode, but then, wouldn't that make the whole "Transformer" thing redundant? Even as an actionmaster he is decidedly plain and unassuming.

If I am allowed to have a moment to rant (as if this whole thing wasn't just an overblown moan-athon -that's what I call a weekend at your mother's.) then I would diagnose his general blandness and lack of creativity a problem that largely plagues all of the legacy line. It's a toy-line that takes itself rather too seriously for my liking. This works fine enough when it comes to faithful recreations of characters we haven't seen toys of for decades. But because of the inane and rather pointless constraints of working in the pretender's inner robot design, the figure isn't a faithful recreation of either the shell, or the robot. The same fate befell our poor Skullgrin, forever relegated to the clearance aisle at Smyths Toys Superstore. To a lesser extent, this can be seen in the Prime, and Animated Universe's rather lackluster redesigns. Where is the flair?

(I do love the Junkions, though!!)

Rating:

1.5/5

Couldn't lead a parade.

Oh Bomb-burst wherefore

Art thou, sad schmuck of my soul

Could this wretch be thee?

on tepid tongue's tip

the tale of your turn from grace

tastes like salty Gruel

[twohaikutransformerstoyreviews]

BEAST WARS DELUXE CLASS JETSTORM (1997)

"What a strange way to start this review series." You may think, as you sit reading this post, sipping a finely aged glass of champagne. What else would you be doing? You, the eloquent and poised member of my audience I know that you are. Of all places to start, over the wide 40 year timespan of this accursed franchise we call "Transformers", why here? Why with Beast Wars Jetstorm? A Deluxe Class 2nd Year Beast Wars flunkey without a second of legitimate screentime?

My reason? Because I wanted to. As much as I love and respect you, audience member, this line of questioning is getting well out of hand. Now I would appreciate if you cooled off, slowed down on the alcohol intake (I think you've had enough) and listen what I have to say.

Here begins, the first of many;

Two Haiku Transformers Toy Review!

Robot Mode:

Even for Beast Wars figure, this guy is a little strange. Mind you, not the strangest. Figures such as the Fuzors still exist, but this guy still takes weird and gives it a run for its money. It's hard to say the figure's neon orange, jet black and dark jade colours mix all too well, but it's certainly very interesting to look at. What elevates this figures somewhat lackluster palette choice is its use of translucent plastic. This figure has excellent light piping that is incorporated seamlessly into the rest of the design. If you take it outside and thrust it under one of the sun's glorious rays, the figure practically springs to life with 3 beady green eyes. It's charming. That's how I would best describe this figure. Charming.

It's weird four mandible head pushes it to the very corners of humanism. In an attempt to integrate with earth's ecosystem, this guy has found himself in love with the muck, the slime and the many bogs of our planet. This coincides especially with his main, water squirting gimmick. Small beams of liquid can squirt in somewhat impressive jets from his mouth due to a pump mechanism housed on his tail. Unfortunately, due to age, or perhaps the clear plastic itself, the fin on my figure has snapped. The gimmick is still usable despite the damage, so I found myself surprisingly unbothered. I assume this is where the figure gets its name, "Jetstorm". Credit where credit is due on Kenner/Hasbro's behalf as this name is well-used, apt and clever.

Due to the nature of this gimmick, this figure's robot's mode is rather kibblesome. Personally, this is no problem for me, I can accept it as part of the off-the-wall unweildy design. But to someone such as you, I can see why it may end up a point of contension. One bit of kibble even I refuse to excuse is the arms. The beast mode eyes become these weird cosmonaut bubble wrist gauntlets, that only serve to make the figure cumbersome. This time not in a charming way. If you want to hide these very obvious forearm eyeballs, then you can spin the lower arm, revealing a rather annoying screw, front and centre on each arm.

Still, overall the robot mode is compelling in a way extremely typical of niché Beast Wars figures. It looks like something dredged from the bottom of the Black Lagoon. Or the result of an entire barrel's worth of toxic waste falling on a lonely Dragonfly. Either way, I love it.

Beast Mode:

Transforming to beast mode is a satisfying and acceptably snappy affair, which results in a very competent Dragonfly. The black from the kibble carapace comes in to switch the figures colour-scheme to that of a darker tone, with highlights of light orange and translucent green. Four wings on its back pivot and swivel, the two lower wings having less poseability than the uppermost ones. Were it not for the leggy undercarriage, I would deign to call this Beast Mode near-perfect. Unfortunately in the universe we inhabit, we are not blessed with such transcendant levels of engineering. Still, as a semi-realistic dragonfly, it's not a bad attempt. Before I forget, it's important to acknowledge the flip-out missiles. By pressing a button on its upper tail/ lower back (?) two small boxy rocket launchers snap out at a surprisingly fast speed. Once they're out you can press on the top of the launchers to fire a snot green missile. Standard stuff really. Just make sure you give the rockets enough clearance.

Conclusion

I would be amiss if I didn't mention my emotional connection to this little dude. He's one of the first Transformers I collected when I started out doing so in serious capacity as an adult. I remember seeing him, thinking "A Transformer that turns into a dragonfly?? COOL!!!" and immediately purchasing him. Oh what moving displays of wonder and innocence. Even now, as the wretched husk I find myself transformed into (My alternate mode is me, but 4 years older. It takes 4 years to transform into this mode, as you might imagine) it's very easy to find things to enjoy in this figure.

Rating:

4.1/5

A brush with greatness.

...

Light of day burns his

wretched den of mire and murk,

home to the fiercest.

More beast than machine,

jetstorm patrols open air,

sharp as guillotine.