twistofpayne

[twistofpayne]

me, bursting through your bedroom wall in a shower of dust: bUT that hug before they go onstage is what we've always wanted from One Direction, and that's what makes them unsustainable as a phenomenon. What we always wanted from them was what they did not give to us intentionally

you: wh

me, briskly removing my shoes and shaking fragments of rubble out of them: One Direction is perhaps the first band to exist entirely within the Panopticon, from the very beginning, and yet even that was not enough for us. Can you imagine how difficult it would become to hold onto a "self" when what people want most from you are the moments of your life that specifically are NOT FOR THEM? It wasn't just what they DID, we wanted to know what they FELT, constantly. We demanded to know but we did not want to be TOLD. The knowledge could only be "authentic" if it was not meant for us

you: why are you in my house

me, climbing into your bed and pulling your blankets up to my chin: The endless "documentaries," the social media -- we had an unprecedented, and unprecedentedly intimate, degree of access to these people, and still what we valued most were secrets and accidents. What we wanted was their interiority, and when we could not have that we invented it. Wouldn't you resent having to constantly be GRATEFUL for that grasping, rapacious love? I would

you: are you crying?

me: We wanted to love them by devouring them, and now we have nothing to eat but our own hearts. can you bring me a hot water bottle

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I'm a little less high than I used to be Still a little uncertain of everything I keep hearing I'm right where I'm supposed to be Still trying to find out what that's supposed to mean And I'm all in my head now Every night when I lay down Does it ever get easier? If I'm lost in the dark now Will you hear when I call out Does it ever get easier? Oh, look what you've done What have you done? Telling myself oh, look what you've done Was it ever enough?

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Julian Bunetta also posted a snippet of Fireproof with only Liam's vocals.

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some of you do NOT remember summer ‘09 and it shows

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You know what really pisses me off? The rewriting of history. People want to pretend like the only reason Liam Payne was getting hate was because of the allegation. But I call bullshit. 99% of the people hating him online had no idea about the allegations or didn't care. They are bullying him online because they thought he was "cringe."

The latest wave of bullying online, which I saw weeks before his death, had nothing to do with the allegations. It had to do with him dancing at Niall's concert. The hate started with the Logan Paul interview, where Liam didn't say anything that warranted being dogpiled by the internet. And it never stopped.

Now, people want to rewrite history and pretend Liam wasn't bullied and humiliated for just being himself because it was "cringe." But you can't because that's the truth. Imagine bullying someone online because you thought he danced weirdly or was cringe. Then they get all defensive afterwards, sprouting bullshit about how they're "allowed to have an opinion." Yeah, and your opinion has real-life consequences.

Some of you want to pretend like Liam Payne hadn't been the internet's punching bag for years. Enough.

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You gave me so much to remember

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Louis' tribute to Liam via instagram - 17.10

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zayn: Love You Bro ❤️

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some of 1D's best songs exist because of liam payne, by the way. liam and louis were the dream team. they all wrote some good songs, but man. every time liam and louis joined up together, it ended up being a fucking banger. better than words. end of the day. fireproof. there are so many, so many strong songs that took 1D from being just a silly little "girl band" (which is what they always were and always will be to us, to me) to being something special, something that pierced through the industry whether people liked it or not. that was my band. they were my boys. i will miss liam for the rest of my life, and i'm not exaggerating that. not only because of who he was in the band, not only because of who he could have been once he held himself accountable enough to grow. i will miss his music, his talent. his voice. god. his voice. i'll just miss him. i miss him already.

[twistofpayne]

There was just supposed to be more.

I'm not On Here anymore, but every once in a while something happens with 1D that compels me to make an appearance, if only because this site has chronicled so much of my 1D journey that it feels wrong for the long tail of that experience not to be documented as well.

Liam changed my life. Not in any specific "X led to Y" way that I can point to. I don't know what would be different about me now if I'd made some different choices in October 2012 and never gone down this particular road - but I loved One Direction, and I loved Liam best of all, and that defined my life for years in a way that I will never forget and will always be grateful for. For years, when I was miserable, he made me happy. He brought so much joy into my life, often through his own seemingly boundless capacity for joy and gratitude.

Earlier this year I came back to Tumblr to mark the end of my Liam journey - partly, like I said, because it feels weird NOT to come back to mark the big stuff, but also because it felt necessary, given how little traction it seemed like Maya's interview was getting, to boost it with whatever decayed remnants of my platform here still existed.

I thought it was the end, and it was certainly the end of something, but if I thought there would be anything after it...I thought it'd be complicated feelings a few years from now about a half-assed reunion at an awards show or charity event. I thought it'd be an unfortunate numbness at Liam and Louis popping up every so often to be Liam and Louis. I knew it was the end of something for me, but I just assumed that meant there were years and decades ahead of us sprinkled with happenings, things I wouldn't enjoy the way I once would have and the ongoing experience of reckoning with that. I was done with him but he was still someone I'd once loved with everything I had, and I wanted him to figure himself out and emerge better on the other side, preferably out of the public eye but somewhere.

There was just supposed to be more.

[twistofpayne]

I hope he's at peace now. I'll never forget the joy he brought me.

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I NEED TO GET BOOTCAMP OUT OF MY SYSTEM: PART ONE

This post is a mess, please uncomfortably lean away from my off-key exuberance as needed. 

Keep reading

[twistofpayne]

date ideas

garlic bread

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Act my age - Sheffield 31/10

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liyumpeyn:

The only bit of the album you need to listen to

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Never Enough // One Direction