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Guilt and Shame:

A few months ago I wrote the below post on my journey of sobriety. Making my sobriety public was never what I had envisioned when I went crawling into AA defeated. I’ve been thinking a lot recently on my journey as a human being on this planet. It’s a beautiful thing. I’ve been thinking a lot on guilt and shame surrounding my slip up and I suppose I wanted to share with you more on that.

I have been invited to a recovery house in America to help them raise awareness and money for their charity. I of course jumped at the chance, after all, giving back is what we are lead to do. I would be lying though if I said I wasn’t terrified. 

The fear of admitting fault of feeling like I let down those around me. Writing this is terrifying but I’m trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and become more attune with me and what my higher power want’s me to do.

I suppose ultimately I want to share this with you as I’ve already opened the door to this part of my life and it seems vital that I continue to do so.

Fear is at the root cause of so many issues regarding addiction in my experience. 

I still have anxiety, yesterday I took the tube to see some friends and had to leave half way through my journey due to the overwhelming feeling that I may at any second pass out. Even at dinner this feeling was hard to shake. It’s hard to describe. I walk out on to a stage to talk with you all or play music or act and I feel little of this, however in daily life it can creep in so quickly. 

Whilst my consumption of marajuana wasn’t what I would call habitual I recognize that it was a poor attempt at controlling my own feelings, anxiety’s and stressors. Which is backwards because it wasn’t exactly helping with those things either as they still were there regardless.

Living the life I am fortunate enough to live now I recognize those things and how I respond to them now is with choice. 

I suppose writing this is an exercise in digging in, in recognizing the feelings of guilt and shame, in owning up to myself and to my world. 

The last thing I ever want to be doing is walking out in to my world with a lie. 

It’s hard to know how to end this post. I suppose a thank you would be appropriate, I have a deep love for the world and for people in it. I have a love for my world and my higher power and I was very much moved to write this.

With love.

Jamie

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I’d like apologise from the bottom of my heart. Several years ago I wrote down that I’d been sober and clean for 7 1/2 years. Whilst my last drink was March 5th 2015 I have in that time smoked weed. To thine own self be true and whilst I tried desperately to grapple with the idea of “California sober” I cannot in all good consciousness with my hand on heart say that I have been tee total all that time. I work a programme of rigorous honesty and I needed to share this with you.

With that in mind my new sober birthday is in fact July 16th 2019. Making me 5 years sober sober and I have to own that and say that this is my story. I owe you all this honesty.

Thank you

Thank you god

Jamie.

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Cover me up. Cover.

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It's not often I share wildly personal details or stories on the internet however I am somewhat compelled to do so. Last Friday I suffered a fall on to tarmac. With the help of Dr's it seems I have a possible fracture of my Scapula (shoulder), I am icing and resting and safe. As you may have realized in my last post, we have new music coming and we shot the video on Saturday so when you watch it you are watching a man with a broken shoulder give his all. There is a unique punk attitude to that, that I have always taken with me. I'm not suggesting anyone do the same!!! Please look after yourselves and be cautious, our fragile frames are given to us and we must do what we can to care for them. With great love and looking toward the horizon.

"just give me one last kiss"

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"The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief"

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You make my heart flutter.

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really, I hope you read this and you know it’s for you.

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Be cool.

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LAX - MEL/song-Hippodrome-JamieT/LoveYou

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May 27th. Somewhereintheshadows.com

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Crow 

Crow calls my name 

Shifting the rain. 

Black eye’d and holy

My one and only 

Crow comes again

And every time I fall

And every time I dream 

And every time I sleep she’s staring at me 

And I can hear her song 

 And I can see her following me  

Forever she has flown 

Forever I will bleed 

And every time I sleep she’s there watching me 

And she don’t want no one 

Other than her loving me. 

 Crow.

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I have been in Serbia for sometime now.

A few weeks past I woke to the sound of screaming from the street below. Dazed I wandered to the window to see what the commotion was about. Looking down I saw 30 men fighting each other with sticks. Primal and base. Odd, That people should still think it necessary to fight like this. However this is not a reflection on Serbia at all. It just happened.

I like it here. The people are kind and very connected to nature. Which is more than can be said for most. 

I feel slightly weightless.

I shall land soon.

I’m sure.

x

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