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Since the video of this escapade is long because I hate video editing I will now tell you the tale of the first time I went into a Walmart.

Now I am privileged in that I did not grow up in a town where Walmart was the only option. I heard bad stuff and avoided them. So I didn’t set foot into a Walmart until I was well into my twenties. One fateful night changed that…

My beloved wife and I hadn’t been dating that long when we lay cuddling in bed together. My beloved is often given to flights of extreme silliness. Somehow bouquets of flowers and balloons popped into their head. They joked that courting couples should exchange bouquets of condoms, then they wondered what that might look like.

In that moment, I developed a rock hard determination to deliver unto my beloved a bouquet of condoms. I informed them of my intent. They told me not to. I was silent long enough that they believed the matter dropped but I fell asleep that night plotting how I would pull off the caper growing in my heart.

The next day I woke up and began to google. The mental image in my heart was condoms inflated like balloons but I had no idea where I could take condoms to be inflated. I had a ton of balloon filling experience from working at Red Robin but I doubted they’d let me bring in a pack of condoms to fill up. Groceries stores certainly wouldn’t. That’s when I found a helium tank for sale at Walmart. I leapt out of bed and began my quest.

I was supposed to meet my beloved after their shift at the coffee shop and I had rosy images of greeting them with a fantastical bouquet of condom balloons at work, embarrassing them and delighting their coworkers. So I was trying to hurry when I stepped into the blaring sensory overload of Walmart.

I had imagined it would be like a Target inside and was unprepared for the sickly fluorescence of the lights overhead, the massive structure filled with the cheapest of capitalism’s offerings and the most burned out staff. To me it was loud both visually and aurally and I could not imagine anywhere I wanted to be less. I paused in the entryway before screwing my courage to the sticking place and marching forward.

Oddly the helium balloon kit was much easier to find than the second item on my list. I looked everywhere but eventually admitted defeat and approached a lady in her little blue vest whose soul had died within her or was perhaps taking a vacation on another plane of existence.

“Excuse me, where are your condoms?”

Her blank face focused into a pursed expression toward me as she pointed out the aisle, looking me up and down as if to suggest she wouldn’t be rattled by such vulgarities. I was tempted to brandish my balloon kit and explain my plan in an attempt to make her laugh but I needed to hurry and she clearly wanted me gone so I obliged.

The next difficulty was the condoms. When I worked at the sex shop we carried unlubricated condoms but scanning the dizzying array of Walmarts offerings I couldn’t see them anywhere. Time ticked ominously by me, my chance to publicly dismay my beloved bleeding away. I snatched a pack of Magnums the big boys would make better balloons I figured.

I got home and locked away the cats. To familiarize myself with the helium tank I used one of the regular balloons provided, filling a terribly lackluster little green one, making it far too small. Then I figured it was good enough and started filming myself, pumping helium into the slippery uncooperative condoms.

There was a steep learning curve. The first several were too slimy to hold and tie nicely, but soon I hit my stride and began making majestic huge balloons out of prophylactics. It was time consuming, much more than I’d imagined. I sweated and toiled as quickly as I could, determined to fill every condom, but alas as the clock ticked down I finished just a little too late to realize my dream of embarrassing my beloved at work.

Still. I was not deterred. I would bring the riot of rubbers to my beloved’s home and their roommates would laugh.

Getting the balloons into the car proved quite difficult. They were the wrong shape to be biddable about following my lead into the car and I ended up with several facefulls of excitably salacious balloons before I managed to have my way with them.

When I got to my beloveds house I could see them inside with one roommate and I charged ahead with my magnificent love token. Several sadder condoms trailed down outside the main mass, and the single green balloon hung limp and embarrassed next to the breathtaking length and majesty of the main body.

My beloved was shocked and delighted and exclaimed, “Where did you go to do this?!”

I brandished my phone to show them the making of video. The bouquet floated regally through the living room for weeks, retaining helium much longer than a regular balloon would. Eventually the weight of the early failures dragged it to the ground and we put the condoms to rest, keeping only the memory of its whimsy.

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not to be dramatic but I genuinely cannot picture my life without AO3

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Annoying everyone with my new obsession

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When you’re in the middle of a fic and realise you’ve missed a very critical tag

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In light of Brian Thompson being shot dead on my birthday (🎉🥳🎂) I'd like to share a personal story about UnitedHealthcare.

During the peak of COVID, my family all got sick. I couldn't be on my parents' insurance because they were both older and on Medicare. So, I had insurance through my University: UnitedHealthcare.

For some reason, rather than roll-over each year, I got a new plan each year that ended after May and didn't start until August, so I was uninsured for the summer months, but it was a weird situation that the university denied, and told us we were supposed to be insured year-round, it was messy.

Both of my parents went to the hospital, and I got sick too. I had to take care of my pets, and myself, and try to stay alive and keep my pets alive when I was so weak I could hardly move. When my parents came home, my condition got dramatically worse (I think my body knew it couldn't give out, because there was nobody to take care of me, so once my parents were okay, it completely crashed and failed.)

I started experiencing emergency symptoms. It was a bit hard to breathe, my chest hurt, and I was extremely delirious. I wanted to call my insurance to see if I was covered (this was during the summer) and I was connected to some nice person, probably making minimum wage, who told me with caution in her voice that my plan was expired. I had no active insurance, but she urged me to go to an emergency room. I remember saying something to the effect of "You just told me I don't have insurance, I can't go to the hospital, I can't afford it."

She sounded so genuinely worried and scared. I remember she said "You really don't sound good, you sound really sick, please call 9-1-1" and I think I just said "I can't afford it without insurance, don't worry, I think I'll be okay."

And she paused and said "I don't want to hang up the phone with you like this." And it sounded like she was holding back tears. And I don't remember what I said, I think that I would be okay, and I hung up.

I still think about her. I wonder if that phone call haunted her, or if she had dozens of calls like that a day. I wonder if she thinks about it at all, if she wonders if I died after she told me I didn't have insurance and therefore couldn't go to the hospital without incurring a tremendous financial burden. I wonder if she feels guilt or blame-- of course she shouldn't, it wouldn't have been her fault if anything had happened to me. Maybe it's self-centered to wonder if she thinks about it. I'm not the main character and it was just her job. But, still.

I think about how evil it was that we were put in that situation. Because offering year-long continuous coverage through the university plan would maybe cut into profits, maybe not benefit shareholders enough, maybe cut into Thompson's $10 million salary. While his minimum wage administrators have to feel afraid to hang up the phone, because on the other line someone might be dying, and they wouldn't know. While his patients hang up and decide to take their chances rather than put their family through that trauma.

This is UnitedHealthcare. This is Brian Thompson's legacy. This is why, understandably, an entire nation is jubilant that he was gunned down like the vermin he was. I don't care about his widow. I feel pity for his children, despite the fact that they will inherit millions, but I feel more pity for the children of his victims patients who are gone because they didn't want THEIR children to inherit crippling debt. Brian Thompson got what he fucking deserved. I pray that he not be the only one. I pray for continued safety, peace , and anonymity for his killer.

American healthcare is a disease.

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Demonstrating the rope dart (繩標; sheng2biao1)

[eng by me]

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"Members of the Teamsters union went on strike at Amazon early Thursday in a labor action at seven facilities in four states coast to coast just ahead of the holiday gift-giving rush.

Amazon said that its operations will not be affected by any of the union’s actions. Although the Teamsters claim to represent 7,000 Amazon workers nationwide, that accounts for less than 1% of the company’s US workforce."

"Amazon shows no indication it is willing to reach a deal with the Teamsters or even recognizes that the union speaks for any of its workers, despite the union declaring that employees at numerous Amazon facilities have signed cards asking to join."

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why hasn't no one posted the kringlefucker yet. you guys used to love the kringlefucker.

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nimble, a border collie-papillon mix, wins the 12” class in the 2024 masters agility championship. the first time a mixed breed has won at westminster ever.

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filter on ao3 that only shows fic by women in their 40s who has a degree and works an office job and probably leaves authors notes that are like “sorry for the wait on the chapter guys! i had to give birth to my third kid😂”

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being unemployed is rad but being unemployed in a world that treats employment as a necessity that completes you as a person while also having zero access to unemployment benefits is maybe not so good

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northern hemisphere babes we made it to the longest night of the year. we made it. for the next 6 months, every day will give us a little more daylight than the last. let's go. take my hand. climb out of the darkness with me

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i have understood so many things about online leftist culture by the fact that when i said "your local community has people you will morally and politically disagree with but you cannot lock them out of accessing any tangible service you’re organising" one of the tags responding said "this isn’t about proshippers in here you’re not welcome" like. folks. focus with me. some of us are homeless here.

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