tuffc0okie - Tumblr blog

[tuffc0okie]

totally fine

[tuffc0okie]

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ 𝗆𝗒 𝖿𝖺𝗏𝗈𝗋𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝗄𝖺𝗈𝗆𝗈𝗃𝗂 ฅ

𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴

꒰ ⸝⸝ ˊ͈ ˘ ˋ͈ ⸝⸝ ꒱⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮꒰◌´ତ `◌ ꒱ྀིა ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮꒰ྀི ◞ ⸝⸝⸝ ◟ ꒱ྀི১

૮꒰ྀི ៸៸៸៸ ก꒱ྀི১ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮ ྀི ◞ ◟ ა ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ໒꒰ྀི ๑ ´ ˘ ` ू ꒱ྀིა

૮꒰/ฅ//ฅ//꒱ა ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮꒰˶ฅ́˘ฅ̀˶꒱ა ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮꒰◌ .๑. ꒱ა

૮꒰ྀི ◞ ๑ ◟ ꒱ა ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮꒰ྀི ୨ ៸៸៸ ୧ ྀི꒱ა ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ◝꒰ ´ ˘ `♡ ꒱

𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘣𝘰𝘭𝘴

♡ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ୨୧ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ୨ৎ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ฅ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ೀ

☆ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⑅ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ♩ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ◌ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ꕤ

𓋜 ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ๑ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ៸៸៸ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ‹𝟹 ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ʚ

ꔫ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ 𓈒 𓈒 𓈒 ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ 𐂯 ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ◝ ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ᵎᵎ

𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥-𝘢-𝘬𝘢𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘫𝘪’! (𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘴, 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴, 𝘮𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘴, 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴)

꒰ ꒱ྀི ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ꒰ ꒱ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ૮ ა ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ฅ ฅ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ก ก

̫ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⊃ ⊂ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ՞ ՞ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ‎ﻌ ⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ﹏

[tuffc0okie]

After being $200 negative in my account this week, I was waiting for a check of $1400 to hit today and it ended up being $1100 instead. I'm screaming inside of my head.

This leaves me with $900 out of the $1100 I needed for rent... I need groceries, a bus pass and some kind of money to last me for the next two weeks and I'm screaming inside my head.

I'm currently trying to figure out what to take out of my account, what groceries I need to get and preparing to drop my rent check off and getting ready to be in the negatives AGAIN these next two weeks. The thought of only eating food from work is flipping me the fuck out... I'm sick to my stomach again just thinking about it.

I checked my account and it said I have almost $2000 and the first thing that came to mind was I can't wait to buy a dress, a sweater, and finally get a cat... then I realized $1000 of that was from Chris for his half of the rent and everything came crashing down again. I'm so tired of being broke all the fucking time. I have been trying so hard to have some money left over so I can start saving and make it out to see family, get a few small things for myself, and start planning for a car and the future and here I am YET AGAIN FEELING FUCKING STUCK. I feel so lost. I'm glad I'm single right now because I wouldn't want to put anyone through his and how my mental health is.

I guess it's good I stopped smoking weed because that's not even a luxury I can have right now.

[tuffc0okie]

09.24.22

I'm watching The Miseducation of Cameron Post and reflecting on my time in the church. It's crazy to think about how the last church I went to told my Dad, who was an associate pastor and worship leader at (and at many churches we went to everywhere we moved), that he needed to "maintain his household before leading the congregation" when I started listening to secular metal and was into alternative fashion. Being so sheltered and cut off from the world, I didn't even know anyone at all who was LGBTQIA even remotely yet I still had a huge crush on the pastors daughter (we will just call her B). We were inseparable, we spent so much time walking through the neighborhood, having sleepovers, dressing up and singing to musicals on CD, spending time with her family, just everything really. We'd also spend a lot of time swimming together and I remember I didn't really have any sexual attraction, but more I found women mesmerizing. I remember having dreams of the lifeguards and of her swimming underwater and looking like ethereal mermaids... almost like in a Sextape by Deftones way before I ever discovered it.

I remember one day she made this elaborate story about some boy from her school who had a huge crush on me. I was homeschooled, so I didn't really spend any time with boys at all and I was super curious about it and, when I would ask her about how he knew he had these feelings about me she would tell me she told him everything about me. I asked her more and more and she would tell me these stories about how he wanted to meet me, but then I noticed when she showed me a "picture" of him, that is was the same picture cut out from a teens magazine I had snuck home (because I wasn't able to have teen mags then). She would give me letters he had supposedly written me and they would always be so messy. One day I burst into her house to play with her and she wasn't in her room and I found half written letters she was still working on to give me. I realized I was being gullible but I kept playing along.

There was a new girl who came to the church (we will call her K) and she was coming around more when her parents got much more involved in the church, so naturally her and I were at church hanging around 4 or 5 days a week. We naturally became inseparable like B and I had been, and, I remember one time specifically when she saw K and I passing notes with little hearts and our hands... lingered... we had held hands when the congregation would pray and I would always be softly rubbing the outside of her hand but this time was different... and B saw. From that day forward none of the moms wanted me to hang out with their daughters and B would ignore me. The pastor, her father, pulled me aside and told me "I wasn't welcome in HIS house of God if I wanted to live in sin and tempt other young women down an unrighteous path". I was scorned and hated everyone in the church from that moment forward. I only wanted to hang out with the older guys who were in hardcore bands, but secretly it wasn't because I wanted to be with them, I wanted to be in bands with them. Just like I wanted to play football with the boys in elementary school and was told I couldn't unless I shaved my head, which my Dad wouldn't let me.

I remember I still saw K though, we would spend tons of time together and steal kisses in the bathroom while we did our makeup side by side. Though she always had a boyfriend, she would always insist it was so easy- all you had to do was choose the one you want and say yes. After many nervous nights of laying beside her with my arms by my side, we eventually found ourselves cuddling. I loved her candy smelling perfume and how girly she was. I was mesmerized. Her family eventually heard about it and I couldn't spend time with her anymore, though we used to meet in the neighborhood sometimes and talk, it faded away. I wonder if the church brought this up to my Dad or not. I wonder how he felt, maybe he felt betrayed? Maybe he saw how fucked up the drama of the church was and how judgmental and hateful these "followers of God" were? I want to ask him but I'm still scared, considering I hid my wedding day from him until I had already been married for months...