tryingforabaybay-blog

[tryingforabaybay-blog]

[tryingforabaybay-blog]

today

today i am better. I feel like myself and hoping to get back to being SUPER healthy. We did it for the first time in a LONG time last night. I can’t wait to actually “try” again. I guess practice will do. 

[tryingforabaybay-blog]

Update on appointment

I’m sitting here at work, filling in for an employee too sorry to show up for her shift.

The meeting with my doctor went well. She said everything looked okay. Gotta wait for a normal period and we can try again. I just have to take a pregnancy test next week. NOT looking forward to that. Last few times I did that was when i told my husband and he said “are you sure, take another one!” (he was pumped beyond words).

A little bit about my husband: he’s amazing. I mean, he pisses me off 58% of the time but overall, I LUCKED the fuck out. I haven’t been the best wife. I’m nagging and got myself in a bad, selfish situation last year. He stuck it out with me and helps me to be a better person everyday.

As I was sitting at the the exam room, I look across and see a chair. The same chair my husband sat in during our first “excited” appointment. I remember how happy he was. I remember him kissing my stomach and telling the little baby to grow. He's going to be the best father one day. I feel so guilty for losing this baby. All the joy and excitement is gone. He doesn’t tell me but I can tell he’s hurting. He’s been a saint through my break downs. I had an AWFUL ugly cry attack last Friday. Not sure what got in me but I couldn't stop. I try to stay strong, reason this out, but somethings DAMN LIFE SUCSK! WHY ME? I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! I’M AT THE PERFECT AGE AND STAGE OF MY LIFE? WHY WHY WHY?

God and I had a brutally honest conversation about this on the Metra train last friday (before the meltdown). I wrote out all my questions and darkness in my heart.. I mean he knows anyway, no point of hiding any feelings. 

[tryingforabaybay-blog]

Hopefully last appointment for a while.

Probably going to approach this blog backwards. Introductions will come later, I just need to get this out.

I trekked out of our warm little suburbian Chicago home, glided across lanes, and completed (what I pray is) my final ultrasound. In a perfect world, my husband would accompany me & we’d hear a little heartbeat and see growing limbs and an alien head. But today I’m alone.. I wanted to be, husband asked many times if I wanted him to come... and hoping to hear that my body is cleared out & ready to start again.

I’m sitting here post ultrasound in a waiting room full of beautiful pregnant women. My body actually throbs from wanting to feel that motherly duty. I feel like I should be pregnant. Why do they do this to women who just miscarred? It’s torture. Everything is emotional torture past the physical pain.

The ultrasound lady (not sure of the professional name) is not the most talkative. I don’t want to call her mean but I need some humor and friendliness in this. she did say sorry but I’ve been saying “it’s okay” too much. It’s not okay. I want this baby. I want to know what’s going on. What are you looking at? What’s that shadow thing? Why aren’t you talking? She asks me questions about bleeding. Yeah buddy, let’s talk about bleeding... 3 days of physical pain.. more than I’ve ever felt. I bled so much. I bled out my baby.. or scientifically my baby’s house.. there was no baby to begin with.

For some reason, they’ve paid ultra attention to my right ovary. I know I have a cyst, but the doctor says don’t worry. Then why the 838538 pictures? Left ovary looks shadowy.. almost bubbly? Is that normal? Only 2 pictures there.

So now I wait for the main doctor. I like her. But she pushed meds on me way too much. (Another post for another time). I’m praying for an empty womb and a healthy start to my next succuessful journey.