trullyerlynda

[trullyerlynda]

365 days

Every Monday to Friday, around 7.40 to 7.50 in the morning, he usually walks through that glass door, put off air pods, save it on the case and later on the pocket side of his backpack. Black backpack, Tumi. Black, grey, navy t shirt with jeans and sneakers. I never saw him wearing touch of color that would brighten his deep, sad eyes. This well-known coffee chain opens 7.30 daily and he usually come early when there are only few customers, me included, making coffee queuing less frustrating.

I always wonder why he comes early? Is he a morning person? Or does he just drop off his wife to the office? Or their kids? to school nearby perhaps? ‘Never seen him with wedding ring, though’ I said to myself. Couple of times I stood behind him while queuing for coffee, none I recalled he’s wearing any ring. Well, modern couple does not need to proclaim their marriage, perhaps?

I never knew what he orders but I assume it’s Americano on the rocks. Given the fact that he possesses a very masculine trait, I doubt he will favor dolce sauce on his order, unlike mine. Judging from his style, I assume he is indeed a very neat guy. I would guess he’s a structured, logical type as well. He does not speak a lot. Even when I saw him hanging out at this café with bunch of his friends, he was not obviously the talker. He just.. talk where necessary. Well, it’s always better than him being alone. When he’s just by himself, he looks cold, unamused with the world around him. Worse, he looks extremely gloomy. Yet, he makes a killer charm.

5 days a week, 20 days a month. It’s been almost a year.

I never knew his name.

[trullyerlynda]

Darling are you gonna leave me?

November 2015, at the café they frequently had a date in, strategically located in central Surabaya. 

He was usually very busy with his phone. She could never guess what he was into. It’s usually the online game he was addicted to, the LINE group of his college gangs, or perhaps it was coming from his busy colleagues.

Like any other previous dates, he would order Kopi-O and a Canai and she would order Kaya Toast and Teh Tarik, hot one. She always had a book with her, to accompany while he was busy with his phone. Sometimes it was non-fiction, political biography ones, sometimes it’s cliché romance everyone raved about.

Like any other previous dates, it was usually a brief encounter. Three to four hours of coffee-o-clocks, ended or opened with movie in theatre nearby. They did not reside at the same city. His house was three-hours away from where she lived.

Unlike any other previous dates, he was not busy with the phone. Nor with conversation he was usually trying to build. He was as strange as she could remember. There, but she could not feel his presence. While she hoped he could.

Unlike any other previous dates, the silence overshadowed. There was a certain kind of look on his eyes. She sensed fear and abandonment. She was ready for it. 3 years of long-distance relationship was harder than they expected. Committing into relationship when you’re 25 were way more complex than what their friends said, especially when they did not share the same vision.

Like any other previous dates, he would drive her home where she always laughed over his jokes. Unlike any other dates, there was no jokes brought up that evening.

The Pajero arrived at her house. No questions, no conversations. Perhaps the silence a little bit too comfortable having them around.

‘Take care’ she said. Let go.

‘You too’ he smiled.

It’s been five years since the last time she saw his face.

[trullyerlynda]

Year end holiday mood be like

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KVBcNGTfG7JBcrstrgsbU?si=Qz2RF3FLTKKtKhZD9m1kog)

[trullyerlynda]

My Jinji

It was a clear evening when people are gearing their vehicles out from office; birds flying high whistling rhymes only them can understand; and rush hour for commuter line, MRT, TransJakarta.

‘No, it’s not Haji Nawi. It’s Blok A. Take the Dharmawangsa exit and walk toward east for one song and you’re here’

She has her earphone on while making her bed. Very fortunate for her to be coming back home much earlier than usual. Heading to the pantry next to her room, she’s making the usual Mocha she likes and Chamomile tea he’s happy to have. And her phone rang.

‘I’ll be there in 3 minutes, walking down from Blok A station.’ he said, rather unclear. Perhaps it’s the noise at the station. Perhaps it’s the signal that pretty ruined.

‘Okay, I’ll be waiting outside in a moment’

She grabs her keys, put her sandal on and open the gate in a rush as the bell ringing

And there he is. ‘One more cigarette then I’m in’ 

[trullyerlynda]

The thunderstorm

His name remind me of fictional character on Ika Natassa’s novels. Late twenties, working in financial services industry, don’t even bothered settling down. That’s the information I gathered from his profile on the dating apps, for a quick catch up in real life. 

He arrives late at the designated place, saying sorry, cursing the usual Jakarta traffic at this very hour and the overworked boss he had to deal with. Casually put his backpack on the outdoor seat, he lights up a cigarette and there it goes.

He smiles. With his seductive eyes and gestures; his charms are undefeated

‘Risyad’ 

[trullyerlynda]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/4m0q0xQ2BNl9SCAGKyfiGZ?si=Dc_XASiqQx6PPujmaPc60A)

I don’t want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else

[trullyerlynda]

The next date

‘Thank you for the lunch, it was nice meeting you’ she says politely to the guy she knows through dating apps.

‘you’re welcome.’ He smiles shyly, slightly turning his eye away from her

‘And I owe you one cup of coffee, so, shall we?’

‘After my business trip, would that be fine?’

‘Sure, it will. See you when I see you’ she smiles, beautifully.

[trullyerlynda]

Politics 2019

You turned into a person we thought you would not, could not and truly, should not. 

[trullyerlynda]

It feels like life is rather a tragedy for me, at the moment. The separation, the endless cycle of disappointment, the everything causes emotional pain. I thought being an adult could get rid of those emotional discomfort each time I’m confronted with inconvenience; rather, it causes me to be more prone to emotional breakdown

I can never be whole again

[trullyerlynda]

And third one is a charm

I think it’s true what they said. If you failed at first, failed at another. Keep trying, third one is a charm.

Does it count in dating?

[trullyerlynda]

Until today

To the guy I never have the gut to speak with.

It was a sunny Wednesday when I first notice him. I was heading toward the Dolce Gusto on my office pantry. He was there. Sitting on the couch, laughing with some guys I notice from IT division. His laughs. That’s what I remember most when I first saw him. It was a ‘crunchy’, heart-tickling kind of laugh you would like to have as a lullaby, or when you’re just too tired with everyone bullshit. Alex. His name, suitable name match to his masculine appearance.

Three weeks later, I still have not had the opportunity to speak with him. Our cubicle was not near, he occupies the west side of the room while I’m exactly the opposite. But each time I’m about to go to meeting room, our path crosses. Once his eyes met mine and we look away in a hurry. There goes my heart beat. 

I remember when I was just walked in the office, I stayed up late due to massive task I needed to finished that night. I was casually walked down the corridor, when he passed me by, about to go home, I guess. There was another crossover among our eyes, followed by a sudden withdrawal, lowering our gaze and spoke nothing. Cat got my tongue that night. I was about to say Hi but the bravery just slipped out.

Or, that time when I was looking for my phone on elevator down. I was rushing to my Uber driver, catching some times to make it to my client’s office, when the elevator opened, there he was, rushing with his black backpack and the band black shirts he loves to wear the most. Sometimes Ramones, sometimes The Strokes. We did not even exchange some smiles or Hi. I was just never had the gut to do so.

Until today, my boss asked me to look after his assistance for design matters.

‘Hi Alex, sorry to interrupt you at 4pm. I need your assistance for our upcoming agenda’ I smile. Heart beats. World stops.

The Encounter

I never realized she has this bright pair of eyes. It was a rainy Tuesday when I passed by her desk. She usually comes early, the office boy said she comes at 7 in the morning and leaves her desk around 7 pm. Straight 12 hours. To me, I know she has this addiction toward work. It’s none one or two times she is mentioned in other division gossips, an ambitious career-oriented woman.

She is not model type lady you probably see on ads, or magazine. She’s plain vanilla. I did not mean she’s boring person but she’s just being herself. Her attire, never draw attention. She mostly wears black and white. A white top with black pants and red scarf on her neck. I like when she wears that thing at office. Just, in portion.

We never really worked together. I’m the guy behind the desk, I don’t go out as often as her, she’s co-heading Business Development. When she’s about to go to meeting room, she will always pass my desk, with the 11-inch MacAir she carries freely and phone that never I noticed detached from her hands, and notebook. At first, I thought she uses the notebook for writing only but some of my friends in division said she illustrates, too. Intriguing. 

We barely speak or as I recall, I only spoke to her once, she was about to make some coffee and greeting everyone who were at the couch, lounging. Her voice, is something that not very memorable but I remember what she talked about. Politics, culture, technology, transportation policy. It’s her thought that I find fascinating. When our eyes accidentally meet, I would like to ask her about anything. But, I never had the gut to do so.

Until today, she came to my desk, introducing her name and requesting some assistance.

‘Hi, Nad, no worries. How can I help?’ I smile. Heart beats. World stops.

[trullyerlynda]

The fling

‘I’m home’ He speaks in a hurry as his call answered. He takes a glance at his watch on his wrist, ‘Sorry to call you at this hour, I just realized it’s 1 am.’ He continues talking while waving for a taxi to drive him home. It’s good to be home.

Home is the only place he always feels safe. To him, home is tangible form of his hiding spot; a nest in which he can push all his problem away. A nest where he can function properly despite the thunderstorm that may occur.

‘Are you sure I’m not picking you up? Okay, then, I’m waiting’ He talks to her on phone while smoking a cigarette or two. I miss her. He starts to get off the bench when he hears a car is approaching; door was opened and there she is. The hottest girl on this earth. He smiles as he sees the familiar face. They stare at each other a little longer to be just friend.

‘I’m seeing someone’ that’s what she said when they’re laying down on his bed. ‘Boyfriend?’

‘Nope, I just think he fits my criteria’ He knows her criteria; those bearded, older guys she always can’t resist. ‘I wish I had a chance to see him on weekly basis. That’s all’

‘And?’ he asks. She does not answer.

 She continues watching television while thinking. Why did I tell him? She questions her impulsiveness. It could have been another fun weekend with him, he’s been out there on the ocean for few weeks. She continues blaming herself.

‘I’m happy for you’ he congratulates her, never thought these words will come out from his mouth. She nods, smile and leaning on his chest.

He gazes upon ceiling, figuring out what went wrong. He feels something strong on his chest that he can’t explain. He’s home yet he still feels like running away. She’s seeing someone and that’s not me.

‘Are you in love with him?’ he asks her, to which she replies ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. We just met three times’

‘It’s okay if you want us to end, go get him. You’re hot, he definitely wants you’ He winks his eyes, trying to lighten up his mood.

She laughs while still drowning herself in his chest, giving him a bear hug. Don’t let me go. She whispers to herself.

[trullyerlynda]

The third guy

The idea of us, just does not feel right to me’ He says as he lights up his 2nd pack of cigarettes today, ‘I enjoy having you around but somehow I feel we’re not supposed to’ he continues, now with his fingers flipping on his phone opening apps aimlessly, avoiding eye contact with her.

‘Why?’ she asks softly, almost unheard while trying to elaborate what he meant by saying does not feel right

‘I don’t feel it’s right. I just don’t. I know we agreed to keep this thing fun and light since we first met but you know..’ he keeps his words unfinished, hoping she will realize where the conversation would go.

‘I’m not sure I know what you meant by does not feel right.’

‘You know, it’s the feeling that ‘come on, you should not do this even though it’s fun?’

She stays silent, digesting his words if it resonates to her

‘I want us to be over. No more late-night cuddles, morning coffee, weekend sleepover’ There he said it.

Puzzled, her heart skips a beat. ‘If that is what you want, then okay’ She replies within seconds, have him surprised.

‘We both happy but both of us knew it should end. I’m afraid that I will hurt you if we keep being together’ He moves his fingers from his phone to her head who’s now leaning on his chest, stroking her hair. ‘Did not you feel it’s the best for us?’

Refusing to answer, she types fast on her smartphone, gets up from his bed and opening the laptop she never shuts down on the table next to them.

He sighs, noticing that her silence means something.

She stares blankly at her laptop, opening emails and clients’ folder back and forth with no intention to really work on something. The room is warm but she feels cold.

‘You’re not in the state of being okay’. He tries to strike up a conversation to break the silence. ‘Do you want to sleep here or?’

‘Drive me home while I get ready.’ she packs her laptop, bag, and all her belongings, aim to leave the house she used to drop by every weekend. It was already 11.20 pm, she’d rather be at his bed, truly.

‘Your decision to cut this thing off’ She bursts out some words as they walk to his car. He stares at her, letting her to continue as she barely speaks tonight. ‘It’s what a coward will do. You run away from your emotions’. She continues calmly, while her heart is battling a hurricane she wish he would never know. He just stands there for couple of seconds and he opens the car door. Nothing to debate. Very unlike him who tend to debate any of her thought -from her political point of view to music genre, he will always have the last words during their conversation.

I don’t know what I feel for you. And it seems vice versa. She whispers to herself, wishing she had the courage to say it loud to him, as he drives toward southern part of Jakarta. She stares at the car window and by the time the car reaching her apartment, she stares at him, knowing that this is goodbye. ‘Drive safe back home’. She ends the conversation and get out from his car.

It was windy night. It was the third guy she ended a brief casual relationship with. She convinces herself that it would be another closure like she had before as soon as she realize this time is different. This one gives her a little heart break she never expected, she never can explain.

[trullyerlynda]

Just don't get worse

My wish for 2019

[trullyerlynda]

the older we get

The more broken we are The tougher we are The more we appreciate day off The more selective we are in choosing a spouse Yet We’re more adventurous in looking for one The more we value friendship The closer we are to those we consider as friends The older we get No matter how it gets Bad, sad, or scared us to death Future lies ahead Don’t give up just yet.

[trullyerlynda]

Rhye - Song For You (Live in Paris)

[trullyerlynda]

Why can’t you stay?