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031123.1303.

So. I don't know what to do to deal with my emotions right now, but write. I think maybe putting all my feelings on text will make me less sad, less anxious, less on the verge of falling on depression once again. It's been almost a year since the last time I have had a depressive episode and I'm not looking forward to relapsing, I do not want to go back to that, to feeling numb and wanting to die. But I feel like I would like to die, or at least not be alive. I'm tired, I'm so so tired of feeling, of crying, of being like this.

Maybe I didn't think it through when I decided to start talking with T, maybe I should have actually thought about what a long distance relationship is like and if I would have the strength to face it. I guess at the beginning I just thought I was just being friendly - and having a LDR friend is nothing new to me. Then I was just being flirty - no harm done. And then it was like I had been hit by a car, the being in love car, one day I was normal - just texting my friend who I played with and shared reels with - and then I saw him on a video call and I knew I was in love. I don't even know how...

As the months passed it got harder but it was bearable, at first it was just video calls at night, then longer and longer calls, then we started falling asleep without hanging up...and finally we were on call all day almost everyday. And as the weeks passed I began to feel sadder and sadder about not being able to touch him or kiss him, that if any of us felt bad or was having a hard time we couldn't console each other with physical touch, not being able to have sex...

But now that I have seen him in person, met him, realized how great we are together in real life, how in sync we are, have our little inside jokes and secret handshake...now that I know how he kisses, how I feel when I am in his arms, how is it like when I say something and he looks at me joyful and full of love and pulls me close to say I love you...now that I know all that it feels unbearable to be without it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions but my heart is not in it cause I left it with him. I don't know how am I supposed to bear this for years. I'm angry at God for doing this to me. Why? Why make us be so close but so far away? Why make us meet when there's still many years left of life and growth we have to face before we are able to live together?

I am so anxious about it all. I don't know if everything is going to be fine. I hope so but I have this terrible feeling that we won't make it till the finish line, even if I do everything I can and give everything that I am for it to happen. I start getting this thoughts that he's not going to come visit me in the future, that I will go away to do my master's without having met him again. I get scared that I will be kept waiting wherever I end up...and he's going to tell me that we won't come. That all the waiting and feeling like this - like my heart is not even here - will be for nothing.

I don't know how to go back to normal - the normal before having met him in person. I don't know how am I supposed to settle for seeing him on my screen and nothing more.

I wish I could skip forward in time. I wish I could be sure everything will turn out fine. I wish God would help me bear this, that he would give me a sign about all of this. Please.

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If Tumblr came out with polls, I would use them so irresponsibly. I know why they haven't, because they know that me and like 95% of the people on here would be chaotic fuckers about it. There'd be polls like "whose dick would you rather suck?" and the options would be like Shrek, Sans, The Onceler, some anime dude no one has heard of, and Karkat Vantas and then in the comments people would be legitimately throwing hands about it as if there was a singular correct answer to that question. I don't know if anyone could survive the carnage.

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GOD Yuri on Ice went hard. My man Victor fell in love at a party, spent a year making a sweepingly romantic program about it after he got totally ghosted, made another program about getting cruelly abandoned by a flirtatious playboy, THEN watched the guy who ghosted him perform the grand romantic program he wrote ABOUT HIM and post it on the internet without saying ANYTHING TO HIM. And was like "oh my god I guess this is my sign to fly to Japan"

Like this is 6 years old now and I am still shaking in my boots

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Okay fuck it if this post reaches 666k notes by the end of 2023 I'll practise basic self care

Why 666k? Because it's funny and impossible so good fucking luck

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I was finally able to access Tumblr from my country, it had been blocked for months! since september last year! omg thank u universeee

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i still hate y’all bitches who say oc x canon shit is cringe like bitch you have ANY idea how flattered i would be if someone made an oc for my fantasy world? how utterly PSYCHED my ass would be they loved a character so much they fleshed out one themselves just 2 be with one of mine? fuck y’all haters

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The Princess Bride (1987) - Favorite Quotes

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you know what i find infuriating? when you see a healthcare professional, you have to walk a very thin line as you talk about your symptoms and conditions

if i don't baby myself down and use smaller words or talk as if im unaware of parts of my condition (which i am very knowledgeable about) they will dismiss my concerns, assuming im a "google doctor" hypochondriac rather than an intelligent disabled person

i asked my intake nurse at an urgent care today (waited 3 and a half hours for a uti diagnosis btw) what specialist she would recommend for my joint dislocations because they were staying out longer and it hurts

she looked at me and said "Oh I don't know sweetie. I thought you were going to say arthritis, but there's a very long word for what your joints are doing."

ma'am....i know what a subluxation is i just wanted a provider recommendation

honestly as soon as you let them know you're disabled they assume you are just a dumb sweet little baby and the moment you demonstrate any medical understanding of a condition YOU HAVE they get combative and will actively work against your attempts to receive adequate care

and in this case, i apparently did not act "stupid" enough, because they failed to tell me a word i already knew, or that my lab results even confirmed my uti, much less that it was severe enough to be with hematuria- i had to ask for confirmation after she rattled off the prescriptions she was sending and read my discharge papers for my full diagnosis

tl;dr Healthcare providers: stop treating chronically ill and disabled patients like they are not smart enough to be engaged with like the adults that they are

(this includes people with mental and learning disabilities too)

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u know whats wild. everyone on here like 20 and when i first joined everyone was like 14 15. u ask anybody n they been here for years. nobody new on here. staff locked the doors n were all Stuck Inside

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"Anything is Possible."

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You can only reblog this today.

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★ 9k follower celebration ★ Make Me Choose @fairestcharming asked » Aragorn or Aragorn

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love triangles can’t exist without at least 1 lgbt person. cishets just don’t know how shapes work

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Growing up with your starters

Artist:  esasi8794 / Twitter

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Amazon Unveils a [Horrifying] Fanfic Publishing Platform

Today, Amazon announced the imminent launch of its newest endeavor, Kindle Worlds, a publishing platform for fanfiction. When I read the announcement, I was horrified, then angry, then sad. I want to take a moment to explain why this is such a tragedy.

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today’s friendly reminder that CORSETS WERE NOT ANTI-FEMINIST TORTURE DEVICES. They were structural garments that supported the back, lifted the bewbies, and made the rest of a lady’s clothes fit right. Tight-lacing was something that only upper-class people did, and they didn’t even do it that often. Corsets were basically just bras! And a lot of the time, they were more comfortable than modern bras because they were made for each woman based on her individual measurements! Plus-size women AND skinny women wore corsets just like all body types wear bras!! Victorian men and the stories written by them are what taught us to hate them!! They!!! Are!!! Not!!! Torture devices!!!