truamagatchi - Tumblr blog

[truamagatchi]

I want to be buried alive,not in the way you would take that though. I want to be put 6 feet under but still be alive. I want the weight of the ground to finally calm me. I want to be isolated from everyone so I can no longer cause harm to the ones I love. I want the weight of the dirt and roots to make my body stiff so I can’t hurt any longer. I want my girlfriend to remember me as nothing more than a flower so she can finally heal without me destroying her but, I still want to hear her calming peaceful words she says to me. I want my parents to stop losing everything they have now that I’m an adult, so tell me how the worries of the world are without my extra part to play in them. I want to be alive, but I want to be buried.

[truamagatchi]

Something I don’t think I will ever fully be able to comprehend the concept of is family. I truly do not understand based off of my “family” how blood is thicker than water. I do not understand how they are supposed to be your one big main support in life. I do not understand how they are supposed to hear you out on everything. Yes yes I understand families have arguments and not everything will always be okay but, when you’ve had an experience of laying in a hospital bed after being told you have cancer and are now doing chemo and the ONLY person you have; including friends and family; is your father. Quite frankly he’s the only one I’ve ever really had out of family, yet I’ve caused the most harm on him emotionally due to the way others say he is. I will forever be defensive and protective of my dad, I know it should be the other way but, I’ve seen him almost lose his life, I’ve seen his struggles that I struggle with and see him think he’s dealing with it amazingly.

My mother on the other hand has always been a different story. First 7-8 years of my life she was the best thing I could have asked for,Both of them were technically, then shit went down hill. Relapses, constant fights with my dad, constant victim mindset, everything had to be about her and her feelings. Always. 11 years later and now she’s trying to get clean again? I thought she said over and over and over how I would never have to experience what my sister did. Here I am. You’re so selfish sometimes it hurts. You’re caring with actual items,You could care damn less but, emotionally…. God no. If I panic it’s fuck me because you’re stressed. If I do anything to slightly show I’m mad it’s WW3. I truly don’t understand how as an adult I will never ever be able to talk to her about anything because she’s more childish than I am. I’m only 19, you’re about to be 50. Why can I handle myself better after you’ve wrecked my life for 11 of those 19 years.

[truamagatchi]

My own head is so loud I feel like the cars passing by outside of my house are so much more quiet today than most. Nightmare after nightmare or dream after dream? Lately it seems to be nightmares after nightmares or nothing at all. I can’t stop remembering the faces of the people from the past looking at me all over again. “Some people just deserve to be beat” those seven words I will never be able to get out of my head. I’m trying to heal from you and all the damages you did to me but, you really fucked me up. Those 6 years I went thinking you were just an asshole but you were so much more than “just an asshole”. Those 6 years I sat and I sat and I sat being the perfect little thing until I snapped and you couldn’t handle imperfection. Those 6 fucking years I sat back and let you ruin every single fucking thing in my life just so you could finally be happy in yours. Those 6 years I sat there thinking someone would always have my back when I needed them but instead I just had yours and I never had my back held up. Those 6 years you were in my life was hell. That’s the definition of hell if you were wondering,Sitting there giving your life up to someone who you just want to see happy, maybe platonically,maybe romantically,maybe it’s not even defined….just for them to be secretly against you, your happiness, your success, your future, your life.

If you only got with me to have a place to live then there was no need to take a 13 year olds virginity when you’re 16 over a place to sleep for a few. You got me drunk, knew I liked you, knew I would do anything for you,I was so star struck over you and you loved that. Of course I said yes when you asked… I’m 13, depressed, manipulated hardcore into loving you, and under the influence. YOU MADE SURE TO ASK ME SO MANY TIMES IF IT WAS OKAY KNOWING I WAS SO FUCKED UP MENTALLY I DIDNT CARE,YOU JUST WANTED TO SAVE YOUR OWN ASS! You fucked up so many years of my life just to sit there on your high almighty throne and do nothing. You still have the fucking nerve to send your fucking mail to my house just because you can’t send it to your own partners? I can’t stand seeing your name,seeing your name on mail in with my address makes my skin crawl,makes me instantly stick to my stomach.

I have a partner of almost 2 years now and I genuinely feel as though im a bad partner to be with because of my trauma from you. Anytime she gets angry I freeze,not because of her anger,not because of her,but because anger scares me more than any emotion ever will because of you. She tries to talk to me about how she’s doing mentally and ALL I can do it listen and throw out a few sentences because all you used to do was yell at me to shut up and I just make it worse by talking. This girl is my life and i feel like I just can’t be good enough for her because of all the things you’ve caused. I feel like if I ever lost her I would be nothing but I fear losing her constantly because I never know how to act in a relationship since you. I know what to do out of the moments, sometimes, full blown confession, I’ll even try and practice just because I want to be good for her, but when the moment comes…so do the responses. I want to go to therapy for the shit that’s happened to me now but I’ve been doing therapy since I was 8.. I’m now 19. It feels pointless, I can barely remember things anyway, my brain keeps them from me like they’re poison flowers. I’m a good person, a good partner, a good daughter, a good soul, and I know those things…. But I also know my trauma has changed me so much that I debate it most days. I just want to feel like I can actually process myself, my head,my emotions,my trauma.

I’ve lost train of thought at this point and just need the day to hurry and end. I’ll go smoke a bowl and deal with this stuff I guess.

To another blabber later- J