tru3col0urs

[tru3col0urs]

There’s a turtle in my yard laying eggs

This bitch really gonna dump her kids on me and vamoose

I’m not ready to be a single mom

I know shit about reptiles

[tru3col0urs]

Ok but I wanna play 😭☹️

[tru3col0urs]

I love fat cats that get picked up and look kind of alarmed about it as if their magnificent girth could have prevented this sort of injustice

[tru3col0urs]

I made a thing

[tru3col0urs]

a….boy??? that likes girls who are natural???? no makuep??? wow no freindzone for you very special gentleman snowflake

[tru3col0urs]

me: [at work, ringing up two parents and their toddler who’s sitting in the cart trying to get their attention]

toddler, quietly, waving hands around: [incomprehensible]

mom: what?

toddler, even quieter: [incomprehensible]

dad: you gotta speak up, bud

toddler, at full volume: FUCK.

[tru3col0urs]

sometimes I’m like “my therapist doesn’t really tell me anything I don’t already know” but then I remember that I used to eat scrambled eggs every single morning because I hated them but I hated them less than I hate all other breakfast food on weekdays (don’t @ me waffles are a weekend food and they Do Not start me on a productive path) and my therapist said, “why not eat a lunch food?”

and I said, “explain”

and she said, “you know you’re allowed to eat whatever food you want in the morning. you are not bound by law to the traditional american breakfast.”

my father’s insurance pays a hundred dollars an hour for a woman to give me permission to eat a pb&j at six in the morning 

[tru3col0urs]

public school lunch aesthetic

-random applause that eventually encompasses the entire cafeteria -skipping classes to go to your friend’s lunch periods -”come with me i dont wanna go alone” -not knowing who you’re singing happy birthday for -“hey if i pay you will you go through the line and get me something” -knowing your id number so you can actually eat -only wearing your id during lunch period -that ONE security guard -”what’s even for lunch today” -HOLY FUCK IT’S CHICKEN NUGGET DAY -those girls who chill in the bathroom doing their makeup -fights = dinner AND a show -”hey what lunch do you have this year” “b” “damn i’m in c”

[tru3col0urs]

gimme a girl who can spend all day being my best friend and laughing with me and spend all night fuckin me that’s all I ask for lOrd

[tru3col0urs]

Girls will say they busy and be in their bed relaxin or sleep

[tru3col0urs]

A remarkable Jacobean re-emergence after 200 years of yellowing varnish Courtesy Philip Mould

[tru3col0urs]

just bought this tapeworm from etsy!

[tru3col0urs]

how the hell do people cheat i’m so shocked that people actually cheat on their significant others what’s wrong w you

[tru3col0urs]

[tru3col0urs]

…. I don’t fear God, but I do fear the automatic stapler in the staff room

[tru3col0urs]

I hate when a woman says she hates something about her body and a man says “I’d still fuck” like that’s suppose to magically clear up my skin and elevate my self esteem.

Plus men will fuck anything. There are men in a mountain somewhere fucking goats cause they gussy is tight. Bye